[:np :ra245 :ph on]
Marooned
[_<800>]
Cargo bay. Starbug stands in the cargo bay.  Red alert lights flash, and a siren is wailing.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Abandon ship!  Black Hole approaching.  Abandon ship
[_<300>]
[:np :ra245]
The siren stops.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Oh, god, now the siren's broken.  Awooga, awooga.  Abandon ship
[_<300>]
[_<700>]
[:np :ra245]
Starbug cockpit. Day. Throughout the scene, a red light is flashing.  HOLLY is on a monitor.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But a Black Hole's a huge, compacted star!  It's millions of miles wide!  Why didn't you see it on the radar screen?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Well, the thing about a Black Hole is that it's main distinguishing feature is it's black.  And the thing about space, your basic space colour is black.  So how are you s'posed to see them?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But five of them!  How can you be ambushed by five Black Holes?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Always the way, isn't it?  You hang around in Deep Space for three million years and you don't see one.  Then, all of a sudden, five all turn up at once.
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
Starbug rear. Day. KRYTEN and LISTER enter carrying an ornate trunk.  LISTER has his guitar slung over one shoulder.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Come on, we've got less than twenty minutes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Careful
[_<300>]
careful
[_<300>]
Mind the hatchway!  Don't knock it!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What'd you want this piece of junk for?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That "piece of junk" happens to be a Javanese camphor-wood chest. It belonged to my father.  It's got all my valuables in it.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN goes out.  LISTER opens the trunk and peers inside.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I never realised you had so much crap.  What's this?
[:np :ra245]
Brings up a handful of fairly hefty wooden soldiers.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Toy soldiers?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Toy soldiers?
[hxaxhxaxhxaxhxaxhxaxmmmmmhxaxhxaxhxaxhxaxhxaxmmmmmhxaxhxaxhxaxhxaxhxaxmmmmm.]
They've been in our family for years. They're priceless nineteenth century replicas of Napoalian's Armee du Nord.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER turns the soldiers over in his hand.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So you can't change the clothes and that, like you can with Syndy?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER places the soldiers back in the box.  Spots something else.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And what the smeg's this?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER pulls out a wad of bank notes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Just what little I've managed to scrimp and scrape, by tossing the odd copper aside for a rainy day.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There must be twenty grand here.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
24.  Look!  I thought we were supposed to be getting off the ship.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and RIMMER step up into
[_<800>]
Starbug cockpit. Day.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
24 thousand! And you had the front to borrow money off me to buy me a birthday present?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It was only 15 quid.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Right. 15 quid.  And what did I get?  A five-quid book token.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Those card's aren't free, you know.  I had to fork out for that as well.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And you never paid me back.  You're tighter than an Italian waiter's keks.
[:np :ra245]
The CAT and KRYTEN come in.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Blue midget is loaded.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Are you sure you've got everything?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Just the bare essentials, food and medical supplies.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Yeh, and I'm just taking the bare essentials, too, 36 changes of clothing and ten full-length dress mirrors.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cat, we're going to be away twelve hours.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You think I need more mirrors?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Come on, let's move it.
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
Starbug and Blue Midget leave Red Dwarf and split off.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Okay, this is the plan. I'll try and navigate Red Dwarf through the mine-field of Black Holes.  If all goes well, we'll all rondayvoo on the desert moon, Sigma four D.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What happens if all doesn't go well?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Well, Red Dwarf and everything on it will be compacted to the size of a small garden pea.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Bye bye, Birds eye.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Starbug rear. Day. The control consoles all reed auto-pilot. LISTER is at the table, eating a curry, turning one of RIMMER's toy soldiers over in his other hand.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, please, honestly.  they're priceless.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm just having a goosie.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, if you get curry all over them, how's that going to look? What's Lieutenant-General Baron Jaquinaux of the First Cavalry Division supposed to be doing with meat vindaloo all over his tunic?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It'll make him look more authentic.  People'll think he's got dysentry.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER puts them back in the trunk.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You're obsessed with war, aren't you?  You collect toy soldiers, play war games, read all those stupid combat mags
[_<300>]
And half your books are on Patton and Ceasar and various other ghits.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's about leadership.  That's what I admire, the ability to command, to out-think a worthy opponent on the field of battle.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's so ironic, when deep down you're such a basic, natural coward.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Coward?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Planet leave, Miranda?  That space bar, the Hacienda? When that fight started up?  You were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bumful of dynamite!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That was a bar-room brawl!  A common pub fight.  A shambolic set to
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Which you started.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I just made an innocuous comment, I merely voiced a rumour that MacWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead.  I didn't start the rumour.  I simply voiced it
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
To his face.  Right to his face.  When he was there with his four biggest mates.  Then you did your Roadrunner act, and left me to face the music.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I could have got hurt.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Generals don't smash chairs over people's heads.  They don't smash Newcastle Brown bottles into your face and say "Stitch that, Jimmy." They're in the nice white tent, on the top of the hill, sipping Sancerre and directing the battle.  They're Men of Honour.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I don't believe it!  You make war sound romantic.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'll tell you something.  Something I've never told anyone.  When I was 15, I went to Macidonia on a school trip, to the site of Alexander The Great's palace.  And for the first time in my whole life, I felt
[_<300>]
I felt I was home.  This place was where I belonged.  Years later, I got friendly with a hypnotherapist, Donald, and told him about the Alexander the Great thing, and he said that he'd regress me back through my past lives.  I was dubious, but I let him put me under. It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct. I had lived a past life in Macidonia.  That palace was my home.  Because, believe it or not, Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief neunec.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Do you know something?  I believe you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
He didn't say that I was Alexander himself, which is obviously what I wanted to hear,  But it explained everything.  I'd lived a previous life alongside one of the greatest generals in history.  No wonder the military's in my blood.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No wonder you're such a good singer.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, maybe it's rot, I don't know.  But it's funny, to this day, I can't look at a pair of nut crackers without wincing.  And why is it, whenever I'm with a large group of women, I have this overwhelming urge to bathe them in warm olive oil?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I have that urge, Rimmer.  It's got nothing to do with past lives.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, why is it, then?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER steps up into the cotpit.  Stars glint through the front-view window behind him.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's because you're unhappy with your own weasly, humdrum existance.  You're looking for something with a bit more
[_<300>]
I don't know
[_<300>]
glamour.
[:np :ra245]
Behind him we see a flaming meteor hurtling towards them.  RIMMER's eyes widen slightly as panic robs him of the power of speech.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Now is what counts. you've got to live life today.  Who knows what's going to happen tomorrow?  Who knows what's going to happen in the next five minutes? That's what makes life so exciting.
[:np :ra245]
The Meteor collides with Starbug, sending it spinning into the atmosphere of the moon below. Starbug immediately gets overheated. Very quickly, it plummets down and crash lands in a blizzard.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You see what I mean?
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Arctic wasteland. There is a Blizzard.  Starbug is still crashed.  It's door opens, the rest of what we can see of the vehicle is covered in snow) and LISTER, wearing a huge, furry anorak, a shovel strapped to his back, opens the door and fights against the wind and the blizzard to get out.  He manages to open it far enough to get his head out, then the door snaps back, and LISTER's face is shut in the door, contorted out of shape.  He finally manages to push it open and falls out of shot.  We see him holding on to the craft, fighting against the incredibly strong wind, edging his way gingerly to the front.  As he lets go of the ship to unhook his shovel, he gets blown away.  He's yanked completely out of shot.  We then see him being dragged along the ground on his back, finally smashing to rest against an ice dune.  He picks himself up and crawls on his knees against the wind, using his shovel like a canoe paddle.  He gets a way and then ties a rope around his waist, then ties it to the craft.  He tugs on the rope and tests it.  When he feels safe enough, he reaches back for the shovel.  With a snap, the rope breaks and he gets yanked out of frame again.
[_<800>]
Starbug rear. Night. RIMMER is leaning over the controls.  A monitor screen is buzzing with interference.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Mayday!  Mayday!  Can you read me?  Come in, please.  Can you read me?
[:np :ra245]
The outer door opens and LISTER stumbles in, followed by a blizzard.  He stands shivering.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Still snowing, is it?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER sits at the table.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's useless.  You can hardly stand up, never mind dig it out. No luck?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Nothing's getting through.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Three Days!  They must be looking for us by now.  Where the smeg are they?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's impossible to find us in this weather.  They could be ten feet away and walk straight past us.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We're going to die, aren't we?  How much food is there?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There's half a bag of soggy Smoky Bacon Crisps, a tin of mustard powder, a brown lemon, three water biscuits, two bottles of vinegar and a tube of Bonjella gum ointment.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Gum ointment?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Yes, it was in the first-aid box.  It's that minty flavour.  It's quite nice.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's quite nice if you smear it on your mouth ulcer, but you can't sit down and eat it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You may have to.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's it?  There's nothing else?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Just a Pot Noodle.  Oh, and I found a tin of dog food in the tool cupboard.
[:np :ra245]
Lister Sies.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well!  Pretty obvious what gets eaten last.  I can't stand pot Noodles.
[_<500>]
We're going to die, aren't we?
[_<300>]
Correction.
[_<300>]
I'm going to die. You're a hologram.  you're already dead.  You don't need food.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Did you find any wood?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's no wood.  There's no vegetation out there.  Smeg all. Just a wasteland.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We can't let that fire go out! it's your only form of heat.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm going to die, aren't I?  God, I'm hungry.  I'm going to have the crisps
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
No!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Just one
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You ate less than 16 hours ago.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's all right for you.  You don't even feel the cold.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Take your mind off it.  Find something to put on the fire.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER gets up and starts to look for something to burn.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Mayday!  Mayday!
[_<300>]
I wonder why it's "Mayday?"
[:np :ra245]
LISTER gathers some books from the trunk.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[ax?]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
The distress call.  Why [dyxax] say "Mayday?" It's only a Bank Holiday.  Why not "Shrove Tuesday" or "Ascension Sunday?"
[_<300>]
Ascension Sunday!  Ascension Sunday!  The fifteenth Wednesday after Pentecost!  The fifteenth Wednesday after Pentecost!
[:np :ra245]
Lister Sies, again.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Everywhere I look reminds me of food.  Look at these books. Charles Lamb, Herman Wok, the complete works of Sir Francis Bacon, Eric Van Lustbader
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Eric Van Lustbader?  What's he got to do with food?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Van.  Bread van, meat van, food!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, you're getting obsessed.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's these books!  It's like someone's put them there to taunt me.  Look at this
[_<300>]
The Caretaker by Harold Pinta.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's "Pinter." Stop thinking about food.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Take my mind off it.  Talk about something.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
like what?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Anything.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[uhuhuhuhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Come on!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Anything apart from food?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Don't talk about food!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I just can't think of another topic.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Don't mention topics!  They're food!  Tell me a story.  Any story.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I don't know any stories.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Anything.  Tell me how you lost your virginity.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
My what?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Come on.  Talk to me.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
How I lost it?  Well it was so long ago
[_<300>]
I was so young and sexually precocious, I'm not sure I can remember.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Everyone can remember how they lost their virginity.  It's one of those things
[_<300>]
like everyone can remember where they were when Cliff Richard was shot.  Or when the first woman landed on Pluto.  Or when they installed the gigantic toupee over the earth to cover the gap in the ozone layer.  It's just one of those things you always remember.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, I don't.  Good grief, you can hardly expect me to recall every sexual leaison I've ever partaken of.  What [dyxax] think I am, Marvo the Memory Man?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Come on, Rimmer.  The truth.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
The truth?  Not much to tell, really.  I've always been a bit of a fish out of water when it comes to women.  Never know what to say.  I wasn't very highly sexed, to be honest with you.  I think it was all that school cabbage I was forced to eat as a boy.  Still, the first time
[_<300>]
the first time was this girl I met at Cadet College.  Sandra, she was called.  We did it in the back of my brother's car.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What was it like?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Oh, brilliant.  Incredible.  (Goes glassy-eyed.) Bentley convertible. turbo.  Walnut veneer panelling.  Marvellous machine. So what about you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Michelle Fisher.  The ninth hole of the Bootle Municipal golf course.  Par four, dogleg to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You lost your virginity on a golf course?  How did you have the nerve?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything.  It was midnight.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Oh, I [siy<500>.]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Michelle.  Michelle Fisher.  God, she was gorgeous.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
How old were you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Just gorgeous.  If she'd have wanted, she could probably have got a job behind the perfume counter at Lewis', that's how good-looking she was.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
How old were you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
She took off all her clothes and just stood there in front of me, completely naked.  I was so excited, I nearly dropped my skateboard.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Your skateboard?  How old were you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Twelve.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Twelve! Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Twelve?
[_<500>]
Well, you can't have been a full member of the Golf Club, then.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Course I wasn't.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You did it on a golf course, and you weren't a member?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Course I wasn't.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You didn't pay any green fees or anything?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It was just a place to go.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I used to play golf.  I hate people who abuse the facilities.  I hope you raked the sand back nicely before you left.  That would be a hell of a lie to get into, wouldn't it?  Competition the next day, and your ball lands in Lister's buttock crevice.  You'd need more than a niblick to get that one out.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Are you trying to say I've got a big bum?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Big?  It's like two badly-parked Volkswagens.  The only things I ever lost when I was twelve were my shoes with the compass in the heel and the animal tracks on the soles.  Porky Roebuck threw them in the septic tank behind the sports ground.  I cried for weeks. I was wearing them.  I never even thought about sex when I was twelve.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Maybe that's because you used to be Alexander the Great's chief
 eunuc.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER starts tearing pages from the book and throwing them on to the fire.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What are you doing?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's nothing left to burn.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But not my books!  Don't burn the books.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's nothing else left.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But it's obscene.  A book is a thing of beauty.  The voice of freedom.  It's the essence of civilisation.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Biggles' Big Adventure.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, perhaps not that one, but you know what I'm saying.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER throws it in the stove and picks up another one.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Complete Works of Shakespeare.  That should be good for a couple of hours.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Three days without food, and the walls of civilisation come tumbling down!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What [dyxax] mean?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
They say that every society is only three meals away from revolution.  Deprive a culture of food for three meals, and you'll have an anarchy.  And it's true, isn't it?  You haven't eaten for a couple of days, and you've turned into a barbarian.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm just burning a book!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's not just a book.  It's the only copy of probably the greatest work in English literature.  Probably the only copy left in the entire universe, and you're quite happy to toss it on the fire to keep your little mitts warm for fifteen minutes?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's nothing else to burn.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That's it, then, is it?  Goodbye Hamlet?  Farewell Mcbeth? Toodle-pip King Lear?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Have you ever red any of it?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I've seen West Side Story.  That's based on one of them.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yeh, but have you actually red any?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Not all the way through, no.  I can quote some, though.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Go on, then.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Now
[_<5000>]
That's all I can remember.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Where's that from, then?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Richard the Third, you moron.  The speech that he does at the beginning. Now
[_<300>]
something something something.  It's brilliant writing.  It really is.  Unforgettable.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK, I'll save it till last.  How about
[_<300>]
Lolita.  Is it OK if I burn Lolita?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Save page 61.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER opens it and finds page 61.  RIMMER leans over his shoulder.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That bit.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's disgusting.
[:np :ra245]
He rips out page 61, folds it into his pocket and throws the rest of the book on the fire.
[_<800>]
Starbug rear. Day. The Works of Shakespeare are burning merrily on the fire.  LISTER is at the table.  He picks up the dog food can, spoons out a generous lump of dog food jelly, so it wobbles on his fork.  RIMMER is watching him, apalled.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And you can take that look off your face:  like I'm doing something disgusting.  I'm just trying to stay alive.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're going to eat the dog food.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I haven't eaten for six days.  Yes, I'm going to eat the dog food.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm sure the dog food will be lovely.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
This isn't dog food.  It's a piece of prime fillet steak in blue cheese sauce.  It's been charcoal broiled in garlic butter.  [mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.] Just smell that.  It's delicious.  Delicious.
[:np :ra245]
He pops it into his mouth and swallows it.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, now I know why dogs lick their testicles. it's to take away the taste of their food.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
The stove's getting low.  Better throw another book on.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's the last one.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You've burnt all of them?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
When we get through to Act Five of Henry the Eighth, I'm a dead man.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There must be something else to burn.
[:np :ra245]
They both look around.  At the same time, their eyes stop on the trunk.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
No.  It's Javanese camphor wood.  It's priceless.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's nothing else left to burn except the trunk and what's in the trunk.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Now wait a minute.  Not Napoalian's Armee du Nord!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, get real, man.  If it burns, we burn it.  What's the least valuable?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Not the trunk.  My father gave me that trunk.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
The soldiers, then.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
They're nineteenth-century.  They're not replacable.  They were hand-carved by the legendary doobwa brothers.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, then?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER brings out two huge wads of notes.
[_<800>]
Money is burning.  Another wad lands on top of it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
How much has gone so far?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Five thousand eight hundred.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Five thousand eight hundred!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER throws on another wad.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Six grand.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
The whole 24 grand isn't going to last an hour, is it?
[:np :ra245]
Rimmer nearly starts to cry.  He doesn't want to make himself look like a coward, so he tries to hide it.  He does not do a good job.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It took me ten years to save it.  Ten years!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'd better start unpacking the soldiers.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
No.  There must be something else to burn.  There must be.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There isn't.  I looked.  Listen, I know it's a bummer.  I know it must be heartbreaking.  But it's only stuff.  It's just possessions. In the end, they're not important.  They might go a bundle for some swanky Islington antique shop, but right here, and right now, all they are is nicely painted firewood.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER throws on some more money.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
This isn't happening.  It's a nightmare.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You've got to get your priorities right.  It's like those people you read about who run back into a burning house to rescue some treasured piece of furniture and end up burning to death.  Nothing is more important than a human life
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What about your guitar?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Except my guitar.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Why didn't we think of it before?  We can burn your guitar
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Not my guitar, Rimmer.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's made of wood
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yeh, but it's my guitar.  I've had it since I was sixteen.  It's an authentic Les Paul copy
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But it's not worth anything.  It's just a thing.  It's just a possession
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yeh, but it's mine
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
How is it any different from my soldiers?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's my life-line.  I
[_<300>]
I need that guitar.  When it gets to me
[_<300>]
I mean the loneliness
[_<300>]
when it gets on top of me
[_<300>]
it's the only way I can escape.  I mean, I know I'm not exactly a wizard on it, and it's only got five strings, and three of them are G, but the whole of my life I've never had anything to hang on to, no roots, no parents, no education
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
No education?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I went to art college.  All I've ever had is that guitar.  It's the only thing in the whole of my miserable smegging life that hasn't walked out on me.  Don't make me burn it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We've got to.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER hangs his head.
[_<500>]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look.  this is going to sound pretty stupid
[_<300>]
but I'd just like to play one more song on it.  One for the road.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Sure, sure.  I mean I'm not enjoying this.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I know.  I, uh
[_<300>]
thanks, man.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER picks up the guitar, and walks off to a fairly dim corner.  He strums a chord.  RIMMER is looking at the floor, slightly embarrased.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
My step-dad taught me this one.  First song I ever learned to play.
[sh<100,11>iy<300>s<100>aw<250,16>tx<100>ao<250,18>f<50>mmm<50,20>ay<500>l<40>ay<1000>f<50>_<1200>]
[sh<100,11>iy<300>s<100>aw<250,16>tx<100>ao<250,18>f<50>mmm<50,20>ay<500>l<40>ay<1000>f<50>_<1200>]
[ax<250>nd<100>ay<500>d<100,21>ao<700>n<100>t<100>n<100>ao<500>w<100>eh<500>th<100>uh<500>tuw<500,20>l<100>aa<500>f<100>n<100>or<250,18>rr<100>k<100>rr<100>ay<700>]
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER gets up, embarrased.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I, uh, just, uh
[_<300>]
[:np :ra245]
He points to, then walks up to the door.
[_<800>]
RIMMER walks into the howling blizzard. LISTER puts down the guitar and nips over to the door to check RIMMER's gone.  Carrying the guitar, LISTER nips over to the trunk, puts the guitar against the trunk, takes a pencil out of his top pocket and starts tracing the guitar shape on the back of the trunk.  He picks up a hacksaw. RIMMER looks at his watch, then back at the ship. By now, LISTER has removed a complete guitar shape out of the back of RIMMER's trunk.  He pushes the trunk back against the wall, slips his guitar inside the green locker on the far wall, then crosses to the stove, and breaks the guitar-shaped piece of wood over his knee.  The door opens and RIMMER comes in.  LISTER is sitting at the stove, guitar-shaped pieces of wood burning merrily away.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I don't know what to say.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Nothing _to_ say.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You've made a supreme sacrifice.  You know that?  A supreme sacrifice.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Had to be done.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I've been judging a book by it's cover, haven't I?  All these years, that's what I've been doing.  But when it comes down to it, you're one heck of a regular guy.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[:ra900][k,t,k,t,f,t,k,t,f,f,k,k,t,k,f,k,g,f,f,k,g,g,g,f,f,k,f,k,t,k,f,t,f,t,f,t,f,t]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There's no point in being modest.  I know what that guitar meant to you.  The same as that trunk meant to me.  If that trunk got so much as scratched, I'd be devastated.  It's not the outward value. for me, that trunk is a link to the past.  A link to the father I never managed to square things with
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Is it?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's the only thing he ever gave me, apart from
[_<300>]
apart from his disappointment.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER covers his face.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But you've shown me, by burning your guitar, what true value is.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[:dv ap 25 :dv br 100][mmm<1500>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Decency.  Self-sacrifice.  Those are the things that make up real wealth.  And from where I'm standing
[_<300>]
I'm a pretty rich man.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh, god.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Burn the soldiers.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No.  Not the soldiers too.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You burnt your guitar.  I wish to make a sacrifice, too.  Burn the Armee du Nord.  Cast them into the flames:  let them lay down their lives for the sake of friendship.
[_<500>]
What's that smell?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What smell?  I can't smell any smell.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Camphor.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh, god.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Your guitar was made of camphor wood!  It was probably worth a fortune.  Burn the soldiers
[_<300>]
burn them right now!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Outside. We see two torches in the distance, coming towards us.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I can't go on.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You've got to go on, buddy.  We're nearly there.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I've no strength.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Come on, you can make it.
[:np :ra245]
They come into view.  KRYTEN is pulling the heavily laden sleigh, with the CAT sitting on it.  CAT whips the air.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Look!  there they are.  Mush!  Mush!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Inside.  The soldiers are burning away.  RIMMER is peering into the stove.  After a while he starts quietly imitatating a trumpet, playing the "last post." Finally, he finishes.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look
[_<300>]
there's something I've got to tell you
[_<300>]
something awful.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
If it's about how you finished off the dog food, I understand.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, it's not about that.
[:np :ra245]
The door opens, and KRYTEN and CAT enter.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, hey, hey!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cat!  Kryten!  You made it!
[_<300>]
you found us!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So where have you been the last six days?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
We rondayvooed with Holly.  Then, after two days, when you still hadn't turned up, I said we should go and look for you.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
We have been everywhere.  Fourteen moons, two planets.  I've been so worried I haven't buffed my shoes in two days.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So Holly managed to navigate her way through the five Black Holes?
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY appears on KRYTEN's chest moniter.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
As it transpired, there weren't any Black Holes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But you saw them! you saw them on the monitor.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
They weren't Black Holes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What were they?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Grit.  Five specks of grit on the scanner-scope.  See, the thing about grit is, it's black, and the thing about scanner-scopes
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, shut up.
[:np :ra245]
Lister Sies.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Come on.  Let's go.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and CAT go out.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Something happened here, Kryten.  Something that made us closer. I saw a side of Dave Lister that I didn't even know existed.  He's not just an irresponsible, selfish drifter, out for number one
[_<300>]
He's a Man of Honour.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER comes back in.  Looking at the floor, he crosses to the locker.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Excuse me.
[:np :ra245]
He opens the locker, takes out his guitar and exits.  RIMMER looks at the door, then at the fire, then, slowly, he turns to his trunk.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Open the trunk.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN goes to open the trunk.  We shoot through the guitar-shaped hole at the back of the trunk as the trunk opens, and RIMMER peers in.  No expression.  Without looking up
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Where are we going?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
The End