[:ph on]
[:np] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 10 ap 90]

This weeks Red Dwarf has been confused and we do not know if this is episode 4 or 5.  It will be released as episode 4, but if we hear differently after release changes will be made accordingly.  Thank you for your co operation.
[_<1000>]
[:np :ra245]
Body Swap
[_<800>]
Red Dwarf.  A Scutter with wires in its "mouth" behaves erratically.  In the lab, KRYTEN and RIMMER are hunched over a computer terminal displaying a horrendously complex circuit diagram.  RIMMER is giving instructions to KRYTEN.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Turn.  There's another.  Circuit board epsilon 14598, red corridor 357.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Re routed.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Turn.  And another.  Circuit board theta 29555, rlue corridor 212.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER enters shuffling a deck of cards.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's happening guys?  It's half 10.  I thought we were playing poker?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Where have you been?  Didn't you get the message?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What message?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
One of the skutters has gone bananas.  He's completely rewired the maintenance decks back to front and upside down.  We've got over two thousand wiring faults.  Don't breathe.  Don't touch anything.
[:np :ra245]
Rimmer looks hard at Lister.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
The whole ship is a gigantic booby trap!
[:np :ra245]
Lister is crestfallen.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No poker then?
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER looks at LISTER as if to say
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You don't understand the gravity of this situation.
[:np :ra245]
He then talks to lister.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We can't find the auto destruct system.  It's wired up to something but we don't know what.  Tell the CAT.
[:np :ra245]
Lister stumps off, looking devastated.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's taken me ages to mark these cards.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
LISTER is leading CAT along a red-lit corridor.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So we can't touch anything?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Nothing electrical.  Not until we get the all clear.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
How longs that going to take?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
God knows.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER approaches the vending machine, looks at it hard and places an order.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Milk shake and a crispy bar.
[:np :ra245]
He turns back to Cat, satisfied that his order has been placed.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We were just playing poker tonight.  That's gone for a burn.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Auto destruct sequence initiated.  Initiated destruction in 15 minutes.  14 minutes, 55 seconds and counting.
[:np :ra245]
CAT and LISTER look at each other, stunned, as warning noises sound.  Cat keeps his cool.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
That's a very dumb thing you just did then.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I Know.  I wasn't thinking.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Red Dwarf will self destruct in 14 minutes and 50 seconds.
[:np :ra245]
Cat is terrified!  He turns round in circles several times before realizing what he is doing and running towards the door.  LISTER, petrified of what Rimmer would say, turns back to the vending machine.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cancel!  Clear!
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Abandon ship.  You have 13 minutes and 45 seconds to detonation.
[:np :ra245]
Lister is whimpering.  He uses violence against the vending machine, begging it to stop.  First, he punches it and hits several buttons.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cancel!
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
You have 12 minutes and 45 seconds to
[:np :ra245]
Lister kicks the machine.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cancel!
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
You have 10 minutes and 45 seconds
[:np :ra245]
Lister attempts to throw the machine.  Failing that, he shakes it violently.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cancel!
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
You have 9 minutes and 45 seconds
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Control Room.  CAT is walking around.  RIMMER strides in, looking _very cross.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I said Touch nothing.  Didn't I say Touch nothing?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, I just ordered a shake and a crispy bar.
[:np :ra245]
Lister now has a Very pleading quality as one would when one has just initiated the end of an entire space ship.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You're lucky you didn't order a double cheese burger!
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Eight minutes, 20 seconds and counting.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How do we switch it off?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
The only person who can override the auto destruct is the captain
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Dead
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Or one of the senior officers
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Dead
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
In many ways I should have updated the system really.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Is there any way that we can trick the machine into thinking one of us is the captain?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
No.  It checks his voice and brain scan against its databanks.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Auto destruct in 8 minutes, 10 seconds and counting.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Think of something, please.  You are supposed to have an I Q of 6000.  Think of something.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I'm thinking.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Self destruct in 8 minutes and counting.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well??
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I bin through the whole of my database, collated every single option, and there are three realistic alternatives.  1.  sit ere and get blown up.  2.  Stand ere and get blown up.  3.  Jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There mmust be something?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Perhaps we could try a mind swap?
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Lab.  LISTER is tied down to a chair looking anything but happy to be there.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's something we tried once on the Nova 5.  It uses exactly the same science as generating a hologram.  We wipe all your brain patterns and put them on a storage disk.  Then we transfer the captains mind from his hologram personality disk into your empty brain.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And you tried this on the Nova 5?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh Yes.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Did it work?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
No.  But I'm pretty sure I know what went wrong.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
4 minutes to self destruct and counting.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So the captain's mind will be in my body?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Yes.  Then, hopefully, the self destruct will think you are the captain, and you can activate the override.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
But where will my mind be?
[:np :ra245]
Kryten holds up a small cassette.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
On this.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
3 minutes, 50 seconds and counting.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER and CAT enter the room.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We couldn't find the captains disk, but what about Brown?  Brown was executive officer.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Yeh.  Brown's got clearance.
[:np :ra245]
Kryten holds a large neadle with whiles coming from it.  Lister is worried.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, what's that for?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's a mental emetic.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
A what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
A mind enema.  so we can flush out your brain.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Nobody's flush'n out my brain.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
We'll transfer it back afterwards.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You are not sticking that thing in my head.
[:np :ra245]
The CAT is drinking a cup of coffee in the background.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
one minute and 40 seconds and counting.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We've got to.  It's our only chance.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Smeg Off!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Look man, I'm not asking you to do this just for me.  I'm asking, well pleading with you, I'm begging you do it for the sake of my suits.  Are you just gonna stand by and let my scarlet PVC morning suit with the imitation king penguin fur collars get blown to smithereens?
[:np :ra245]
Lister nods.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Could you live with yourself?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER nods again.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
1 minute, 30 seconds and counting.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, Lister.  I agree, it's a stupid idea.  It almost certainly wont work.  But the very worst that can happen, the absolute bottom line, is that you'll have to spend the rest of your life as a mindless gibbering vegetable.  But if the rest of your life is going to be thirty seconds, what the hell!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Do it.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN swaps his right temple with a cotton ball and then inserts the needle.  As it sucks out LISTER's mind his face takes on a more vacant expression until he is completely cross eyed and his tongue sits rather stupidly almost out of his mouth.  KRYTEN presses some keys on a keyboard, storing LISTER's mind onto a storage medium.  he then turns to the cat, handing him the cassette.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Keep that safe, it's Lister's mind.
[:np :ra245]
As they are all looking at it, CAT drops it into a mug of coffee.  RIMMER recoils very quickly.  CAT, looking most apologetic, but not quite managing to hide an evil smirk, removes the cassette from his coffee and slinks off.  KRYTEN begins to place BROWN's mind into LISTER.  Once complete "LISTER" looks very surprised.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
55 seconds to detonation
[:nr :ra230 :dv ap 90 br 0 la 10 sx 0 pr 100 hr 50 sr 30 bf 50]
What's happening?  What the hell is going on?
[:np :ra245]
Rimmer stands to attention.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Ah, sir.  There is no time to explain, but, by a bizarre series of accidents, the ship auto destruct system has got switched on and we need you to deactivate it.
[:nr :ra230 :dv ap 90 br 0 la 10 sx 0 pr 100 hr 50 sr 30 bf 50]
Something's wrong.  Something feels different.  Wait a minute, I never use to be a man!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, you stupid woman, we'll explain later.
[:nr :ra230 :dv ap 90 br 0 la 10 sx 0 pr 100 hr 50 sr 30 bf 50]
Why have I got male sexual organs?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
If we don't override the auto destruct system within the next 20 seconds, those male sexual organs will be in orbit around the nearest planet, Along with everyone else's organs, sexual or otherwise.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
15 seconds to detonation.
[:nr :ra230 :dv ap 90 br 0 la 10 sx 0 pr 100 hr 50 sr 30 bf 50]
Abort sequence X1X.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Identify.
[:nr :ra230 :dv ap 90 br 0 la 10 sx 0 pr 100 hr 50 sr 30 bf 50]
Carol Brown, executive officer, security clearance 010101.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Pause for verification.
[_<500>]
Verification rejected.  Abort denied.  Auto destruct sequence continued.  Detonation in 5 seconds.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN looks pretty upset.   RIMMER and CAT are speaking to KRYTEN.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Sen smegging sational
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
4
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Well done, sphinx face
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
3
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What a brilliant, brilliant plan
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
2
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Just great.
[:np :ra245]
BROWN is struggling in the seat.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
1.
[:dv la 100]
Initiate self destruct!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
the Vending Machine shoots out a milk shake and a crispy bar.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1]  [:ra 220
Thank you for using the auto serve dispensing machines.  Number 1 in quality, Number 1 in taste!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What happened?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It must have been wired up to the warning system but not the bomb.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So where's the bomb?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
We haven't got a bomb.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I got rid of it ages ago.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Why didn't you say?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
You never asked.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Fine, terrific.
[:np :ra245]
Cat then turns to Kryten, a look of malace on his face.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
But remember this:  you're getting my underwear bill, buddy.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Sleeping Quarters.  Rimmer and Lister are lying on beds.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You awake?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yeh.  can't sleep.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Probably those kippers you had for supper.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Nothin' wrong with kippers for supper.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But kippers vindaloo?  Can't be good for you.  I mean, a curry every night?  That cannot be good for you.  Certainly no good for me.
[_<400>]
I'm thinking of getting a canary in a cage.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
To check out the room, see if it is safe to use.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
C'mon, it's not that bad!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Not that bad?  You don't sweat sweat, you sweat madras sauce.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why all the sudden interest in my diet?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's not just your diet, Lister.  It's your health in general.  Face facts.  you eat crap, you don't exercise, you smoke, you drink, and frankly, it's beginning to show.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm OK.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're getting porky.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Porky?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Last week when there was that lights failure in the engine room, your silhouette was caste onto the wall.  I got the fright of my life.  I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Are you sayin' I've got a gut?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You have got more gut than a Turkish butchers shop window.
[:np :ra245]
Lister is worried.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hang on, no, really.  Do you think I've put on weight?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You've reached that age, Listy.  When you're younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like and still climb into your 26 inch waist trousers and zip them closed.  Then you reach that age, 24, 25, your muscles give up.  they wave a little white flag and then, without any warning at all, you're suddenly a fat bastard.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm not fat, I'm porky!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Have you ever, in dissection class, held up a frog by its head?
[:np :ra245]
Hand Gestures support Rimmer's speech.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs?  Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.
[:np :ra245]
He lies back down.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, maybe you're right.
[:np :ra245]
He examines his belly from his reclined position.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, I'm gonna start working out in the gym.
[:np :ra245]
Thinking the conversation is over, he returns to his comic.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Of course, you could always
[_<300>]
no you'd never a agree to it.
[:np :ra245]
Lister leans down to Rimmers bunk.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We could do a swap:  my mind in your body, yours in mine.
[:np :ra245]
(LISTER lies back down shaking his head and smiling, thinking
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
what a ludicrous idea this is.) You saw how easy it was with Brown.  Lend me your body for a few weeks and I'll get it fit for you.  Plenty of exercise, sensible diet, no more booze, no more ciggies.  It'll be like a 12 thousand mile service for your body.
[:np :ra245]
His thoughts break off.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What, and in the meantime I'm a hologram?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It won't be too bad if it's only for a couple of weeks.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You're talking as if it were a pare of hedge trimmers or a lawn mower or somethin.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'd give it you back, I'd return it intact.  More than intact, it'd be fitter.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, Rimmer.  you! are! not! having! possession! of! my! body!
[_<500>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What are you worried about?  How can I treat it any worse than you do?  You admit you don't look after it, don't exercise it, don't feed it properly.  I would.  What do you say?
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
In Red Dwarf, we hear sounds of mind-swapping type activity.  Minutes later, Rimmer and Lister emerge from the lap, boddies swapped.  Lister's voice comes from Rimmer's larynx as he says:
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No welchin.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Of course not.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
A fortnight.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
14 days.
[:np :ra245]
Lister makes the movement of holding up two fingers, actually Rimmers.  He does it as if they were his own.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Two weeks.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Absolutely doodley.
[:np :ra245]
(He opens a jacket, LISTER's, and indicates with hand gestures that it doesn't smell very nice.
[_<800>]
RIMMER, in LISTER's body, is standing in the shower room at what turns out to be a urinal, and is putting some very thick red plastic gloves on.  He removes his hat with distain, and dons a pare of eye covers.  He is humming The Grand Old Duke of York to himself.  Removing a pare of tongs from his back pocket, he then unzips his fly, and using the tongs, proceeds in alleviating himself.  Suddenly he stops, removes his eye covers and looks down.  He looks up with a face that looks very shocked at what it has just seen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What's this under his nails?  Oh my god!
[:np :ra245]
He places a bottle of AJAX scouring detergent on a recess in the wall and grabs a bottle of what appears to be Domestos.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm going to have this dirt carbondated!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Lister is in the corridor, where he passes a mirror and catches a glimse of himself.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
This hat is smeggin' stupid.  I look like Captain Emerald.  Holly?  Do somethin about it, mate.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
OK, Dave.
[:np :ra245]
Now RIMMER's body is decked in the black leather gear we normally associate with LISTER.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Brutal!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Sleeping Quarters.  KRYTEN is pouring some red wine into a glass that is sitting in what appears to be a very large and sumptuous feast.  Dressed in a bath robe, RIMMER enters the room humming to himself.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Luncheon, sir.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER grabbs Lister's hairlocks, removing most of them with an electric carving knife.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Ah!  Food.  Real food.  To eat, perchance to taste.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's exactly as you ordered, sir:  the lightly poached mimmion bladder fish, the 4 dozen oysters, the ducks feet in abalone sauce
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I can touch! I can taste! I can smell!
[:np :ra245]
he gets very excited and grabbs some food.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Roast suckling pig stuffed with chestnuts and truffles.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[mmmmmmm<750>]!
[:np :ra245]
Kryten places an extremely large plate of mashed potato in front of Rimmer.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Mashed potato.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
With cream and butter?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
A pint of cream and a full pound of butter, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Let the orgy commence!
[:np :ra245]
He starts stuffing food and drink into his mouth and then slumps his head forward into the potato.  He then pours gravy over his head.  LISTER enters and looks stunned with this turn of events.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hows the diet go-in?
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER does a thumbs up sign with his head still buried in the potato.
[_<800>]
It is night in the sleeping quarters.  RIMMER is still in a bath robe and is smoking a cigar.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Do you know something?
[_<300>]
I think I went temporarily insane.  It was just too much.  I haven't tasted food in 3 million and 2 years.  All that food.  I was like an animal.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I want my body back!  Now!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER is lying on his right side supporting his head with his bent arm and in contrast to RIMMER, does not look relaxed.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Oh Look.  It won't happen again.  It was just something I had to get out of my system.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[m<100>ay<500>], system.  Why you smokin?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
One cigar!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You are supposed to be getting me fit.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'll start tomorrow.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You better bleedin had do.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
It is day.  We see LISTER in a corridor dressed in RIMMER's green suit and hat carrying a brief case.  CAT walks past him and then does a double take.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey!  what are you doin' dressed like that?  Why do you want to look like Goalpost Head?  Have you flipped?  You want to model yourself on a man who has ears so large that they can pick up satellite TV?  Why do you want to look like the smeg-head Rimmer for?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Because
[:np :ra245]
poking CAT in the eye
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I am that smeg head Rimmer.
[:np :ra245]
With a smug look on his face RIMMER departs.
[_<800>]
Large spa bath.  RIMMER sits reading a MUSCLE magazine.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Please.  These are meant to be women?
[:np :ra245]
He Turns over the magazine and we get to see the picture that has just engrossed RIMMER.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Ah.  This is what I call training.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Sleeping quarters.  CAT has his back to us and his hair is untied.  They are playing scrabble.  Lister points to letters in his rack.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That letter, that letter, and that letter There.
[:np :ra245]
We see that he is having the first go and we see his rack which has the letters D, A, T, E left on it.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey!  I've got you now!
[:np :ra245]
Cat is Holding out his letters up for LISTER to see.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
J, o, z, x, y, q, k.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's not a word.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
It's a cat word.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER attempts to pronounce the cat word.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
That's not how you pronounce it!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's it mean?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
It's the sound you get when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
[:np :ra245]
CAT demonstrates with his hands a book shutting and pronounces the word again.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Is it in the dictionary?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Well, it could be.  If you were reading in the nude and you closed the book too quickly.
[:np :ra245]
CAT mines this action and says the word again.  the conversation is interupted by Rimmer, striding into the room looking like he has been working out and feels great.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Ah!  What a session!  What a work out!  No pain, no gain, Listy.
[:np :ra245]
Lister jumps up and down with excitement.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
On the scales!  I want to weigh you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There's no need.  Look at that stomach.
[:np :ra245]
he demonstrates by Rubbing LISTER's stomach.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Flat as a pancake.  Hasn't been like that in years!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Scales, please.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There's really no need.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
On! the! scales!
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER steps on the scales.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You've put on two stone!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Of course I've put on two stone.  I've been taking yeast extract, building up your body.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Take the robe off.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What for?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Take it off.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I don't want you looking at my naked body.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's not _your_ naked body, it's mine!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What's he hydin?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Off with the robe.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Let me just say this
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Off!
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER Removes the bathrobe to reveal a pretty pink girdle.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[ow<1000>]!  This?  This is a hernia prevention belt.  I must have forgotten to take it off.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's a girdle.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Course it isn't.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Then why has it got little dangly things for holding up stockings?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There for attaching extra weights to you so you can get fit just as you walk around.
[:np :ra245]
He fumbles, demonstrating the attachment of weights and walking with them attached.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
 [ow<1000>!]  [uh<1000>!]  [ao<1000>!]  [aw<1000>!] [_<1000,500>iy<1000,100>!]
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I want me body back.  now!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, OK.  I went a bit bananas the first few days, but I promise you that's all over now.  Don't you see?  It's in my interest to get you into shape.  This could become a regular thing:  fourteen days a year I could have your body.  In fact next year, if it's convenient, I would like to book the last two weeks of July.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I want it back.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
One last chance?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No more troffin'.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I promise.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And take that girdle off.  It doesn't suit me.
[:np :ra245]
He saunters off happily.
[_<800>]
Night in the sleeping quarters.  We hear pigging-out noises.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Holly?  lights!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER jumps out of bed and finds RIMMER sitting up in bed with a blanket over his head.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Right, that's it!  I'm completely sick of it.  That! is! it!
[:np :ra245]
Rimmer is Removing the blanket and wiping his hands.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What is it?
[:np :ra245]
He has food all over his chin and mouth.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You've been porkin again, haven't you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I have not!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I want my body back. now!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But I've only had it a week!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
This was not the deal.  You've welched on it.
[:np :ra245]
He walks away and glances into the rubbish bin.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And what's this in the bin?  Me locks!  My locks are in the bin.  I thought you said you pinned them up?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I did but they
[_<300>]
fell off.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Fell off?  Science lab, now!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But it's the middle of the night.  Kryten is on down time.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Now!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Later on in the sleeping quarters.  The guys enter their room as themselves again.  Lister rubbs his chest.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How many cigars did you get through, Rimmer?  Me lungs feel as if they have been through a cheese grater.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You've got your body back.  Leave me alone.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[k<100>hx<1000>laa<100>mmm<100>ah<500>!]
I only have a couple of rolly's a day.  It feels as if you've smoked an entire Cuban tobacco harvest.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I had the odd one.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You've no respect, that's what.  You've shown my body no respect whatsoever.  You've treated it like smeg.  Look you've given me breasts.  There's a distinct cleavage there.  I give you my body and you've given me a bosom.
[:np :ra245]
he walks over to the scales and RIMMER looks to be the unhappy one now.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
These scales are wrong.  These scales have to be wrong.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's average for your height.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, it would be average for my height if I happened to be a pregnant hippo.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well you weren't exactly Charles Atlas to start with, were you?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And you haven't been treating my athletes foot, have you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, quite frankly I was afraid of touching it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I told you, you have to wash and powder my feet three times a day.  Plus a good buffing with a pumice stone.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I wasn't prepared to touch those things three times a day.  To tell you the truth I was only brave enough to take your socks off once.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look at my stomach.  Look at it!  Pink gudgeon' stripes down me sides and you could float me over the super bowl.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look. I refuse to take the rap for that body.  All right, I added a few pounds to its already ample frame but it was, lets face it, a wreck before I got any where near it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
A wreck?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
If it was a car you would be an insurance write off.  Nothing works.  Your taste buds are totally clapped out.  you've killed them stone dead with 25 years of non stop curries.  and what about all the aches and pains.  you never mention twinges in your back, cramps in your neck.  Oh, and I'll give you a little tip:  urine should only be green if you're mister spock.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's the last time you borrow it that's for goddam sure.
[:np :ra245]
Getting up and leaving the table.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What about next year?  We had an agreement.  the last two weeks in July and the weekend before Christmas.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What for, Rimmer?  It's a wreck.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Unfortunately, it's the best that's available.  You can't get two weeks in the carribean then grimsby is better than nothing.  You can't back out now, you said I could have it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I only said that to get it back.  Do you think I am raving mad?  You are never, ever, _ever_ borrowing my body again.  Never.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Get some sleep.  You'll feel different in the morning.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Corridor.  KRYTEN is pushing a trolley with an unconcious LISTER on it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I am really not sure about this.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, you're programmed to obey.  get on with it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
But surely we should ask him first?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I told you, he's agreed.  He's perfectly happy about the situation.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well then, why did you make me chloroform him and why did he struggle so?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, I'm in charge Kryten.  I'll take full responsibility.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh!  But sir
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Science lab, pronto!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
If he comes around give him another whack.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Sleeping quarters, Morning.  It looks like RIMMER is waking up in bed, but we soon see that he is again dressed in LISTER's clothes.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Are you awake man?  Rimmer?
[:np :ra245]
He Jumps off the bed and notices his arms.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, please.  No!
[:np :ra245]
Noticing the message that has been left.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Play message.
[:np :ra245]
It is RIMMER, dressed in LISTER's body once again.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Hi!  It's me.  I told you you'd feel different in the morning.  Thing is, this week has been absolute heaven for me and I couldn't just stand by and let you take your body back.  That's why I've taken Starbug and done a runner.  Don't worry, in a month or so I'll come back and return it.  Just a month, maybe six weeks, but don't try and follow me, otherwise
[:np :ra245]
Placing a gun against his right temple
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
the body gets it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cat?  Cat!
[:np :ra245]
He runs out of the room.
[_<800>]
Some other part of the ship.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You want my what?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It'll only take a couple of hours.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You want to take _my_ body?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I need your body to get _my_ body back.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You've already lost one body.  Come on, in all seriousness, you really expect me to lend you mine?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm a hologram.  How else am I suppose to chase him?  I need your body.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Let me ask you one question.  Would you let a garbage truck driver use your Rolls Royce?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How else can I pilot White Midget?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I'll do it!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Model Shot.  White Midget leaves Red dwarf.  Then we see Starbug as it "wheels" through space to the sound of a symphony.  RIMMER is trumpeting along with hand movements, the gun is in the right hand.  He opens a trunk load filled with doughnutts.  As the music ends he places one in his mouth.  LISTER appears on the monitor behind him.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer.  Rimmer!  It's no use runnin', man, we've got you in visual range.  Turn around and head back to the ship.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I told you not to follow me.
[:np :ra245]
Pointing the gun at LISTER's image.  He goes over to his console and allows them to see him.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Leave me alone or you know what happens.
[:np :ra245]
Placing gun at his right temple again.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
He's bluffin.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm not bluffing.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I think he means it man.  He's flipped.  it must be cream cake poisonin.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
He's bluffin.  I'm goin' in after him.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
He must be bluffing.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Say he isn't, man?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
It's gastronomic terrorism!  We can't stand by and let it happen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Go ahead punks.  Make my day.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You're right.  He's bluffin.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Smeg!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Lets get him.
[:np :ra245]
Puts his feet to the floor and the ship really starts to move.  RIMMER goes back to the controls.  He drives badly and hits some rocks.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
This is getting stupid.  Back off.  let him go.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
We're almost on him.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's too dangerous.  Let him go.
[:np :ra245]
The white midget backs off and RIMMER turns around to gloat, oblivious to the nasty-looking outcrop of rocks looming up ahead.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Chickens.  Ha
[:np :ra245]
He turns back to look where he is going.  We see Starbug hit the rocky outcrop and the slam into the ground on the other side.  We return to White Midget and view LISTER's totally shocked face.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh smeg!  What the smeggin smeg's he smeggin done?  He's smeggin' killed me!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Starbug rear section.  Hanging live wires are everywhere in the crashed interior.  LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN enter.  The sliding door between the cockpit and galley area opens.  Rimmer peers around the corner.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Whoops!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Are you all right?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're going to go spare.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What?  What is it?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're going to go absolutely spare.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER steps out into the doorway.  his top is torn below the shoulder.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You've lost me arm.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I've lost your watch too.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You Bastard!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
No, you're right.  It's my fault.  My hands are up.  well, my hand is up.
[:np :ra245]
He starts to laugh.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You think this is funny?
[:np :ra245]
He is Looking as upset as anybody who has just lost an arm would.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
No.  But _this_ is.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER brings the missing arm from behind his back and sticking two fingers up on both hands, makes gestures to LISTER.  He starts laughing and slips over.  As LISTER looks down at him CAT and KRYTEN look at each other and start laughing.  We then see White Midget and a Brief view of the return flight.
[_<800>]
Sleeping quarters.  LISTER is sitting on his bunk with a white blood splattered bandage around his head.  He has just attached his locks to some elastic and he places these around his head over the bandage.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh, Hello.  It's captain chloroform.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh please, mister David, sir.  My guilt chip is already in overdrive.  I feel terrible!
[:np :ra245]
He paws at Lister's leg.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You feel terrible?  How about my smeggin' head?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I _had_ to obey him.  It's in my programming to obey all humans, No matter how insane.
[:np :ra245]
He removes the white cover from the trolley he was pushing to show a small portion of food on a plate.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Dinner is served, sir.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Lettuce and a grated carrot.  I'm on this for six months.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER's body enters the room looking very stiff.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's wrong with you?  You look like you've seen a ghost.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I was asleep, OK?  Next thing I know plastic Percy here puts a sponge on my face and out go the lights.
[:np :ra245]
CAT, or RIMMER, moves stiffly to the table and sits down rather grumpily.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It was an order.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER, or CAT, enters the room carrying a plate of what appears to be mashed potatoes with other food stuffs stuck in it and sits at the table.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Just one night, I promise.  I'll give it back first thing tomorrow.  Maybe Thursday.
[:np :ra245]
He slumps his head forward into the potato and starts to thrash it about like a pig again.
[_<800>]
The End.