[:ph on] balance of power. [_<1600>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]This is an S O S distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. In the 3 million years we've been away, it is my fond hope that mankind has abolished war, cured all disease, and got rid of those little Western saloon doors you get in trendy clothes shops. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The bridge. Rimmer is standing, Lister sitting with his feet up on a console. He's checking things off on a clipboard as Rimmer lists them. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 140,000 rehydratable chickens. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30][:dv pr 0] Check. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 72 tons of reconstituted sausage pat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Check. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 4,691 irradiated haggis. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, Rimmer, it's Saturday night. I've had enough. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 4,691 irradiated haggis. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, it's Saturday night! I want to boogie on down! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 4,691 irradiated haggis. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We've been doing this for four hours! Let's have a break! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 4,691 irradiated haggis. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, will you stop saying 4,981 irradiated haggis and speak to me! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 4,691 irradiated haggis. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Rimmer, I want to go for a *drink! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 4,691 irradiated haggis. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I want to have some fun! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] This *is* fun! Are you mad? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You read something out. I say check. Where's the fun? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All right. We'll put you in command for a few seconds, Capitaine. [:np] [:ra 245] he Salutes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's the plan, sir? Come on, lickety split. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Go back to Earth. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And in the meantime? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't know, generally slob around, have a few laughs. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Excellent plan, Lister! Excellent plan! Brilliant plan! There was me thinking you hadn't thought about it, when clearly you have. Right, I'll just stand over here and laugh slobbily, shall I? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, I'm going for a drink. [gihmiy]me cigarettes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I only owe you four and three quarters. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You owe me five. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's one cigarette for each day you obey me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, there you go. Five days, five cigarettes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, but I'm penalising you a quarter of a cigarette for saying check in a variety of silly voices while doing the homogenised puddings. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, I'm taking five. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You take five, Lister, I'll eject the rest of the ship's stock into space. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ha ha ha ha! So they're somewhere near an airlock? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ha ha ha ha. You'll never find them, Lister. I was always a master at hide and seek as a child. It's not a gift you lose. [:np] [:ra 245] lister tairs off a quarter of a cigarette. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, quark brain. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Even it out. Take out the flaky bits. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, I really really hate you, Rimmer. [:np] [:ra 245] he Walks out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Have a lovely, lovely time, Lister. Give my regards to the air. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is riding his 3 wheeler down a corridor. He stops outside their cabin and enters. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lights. [:np] [:ra 245] The lights come on. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why did you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And who should I have brought back, then? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Anyone. Chen. Petersen. I mean, Hermann Gring would have been more of a laugh than Rimmer. I mean, OK, he was a drug crazed transvestite, but at least we could have gone dancing! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I brought Rimmer back because he's the best person to keep you sane. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, crap. [:np] [:ra 245] A panel on the wall swings around to reveal a toilet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not you! [:nk] I do apologise, I wasn't paying attention. See you later. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What about Christine Kochanski? You could have brought Christine back. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] In your entire life, your shared conversations with her totaled 173 words. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] In terms of wordage, you actually had a better relationship with your rubber plant. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I know, but *Rimmer? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] He's the person you knew best. Over 14 million words in all. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, 7 million of those were me telling him to smeg off, and the other 7 million were him putting me on report for telling him to smeg off. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Jean Paul Sartre said hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, all his mates were French. [:np] [:ra 245] Leaves the room. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] External shot of the ship, then cut to the mess. Lister is sitting alone, sipping a drink. The scene fades to the past, a party. Lister and three of his friends are sitting at the table drinking, while others dance around them. A sign on the wall says NOSTALGIA NIGHT 1990's. [:nh] I've been to Titan, I've been to Juno, I can name eight things that go in jars that you know! Pickles! [:nd] Jam! [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] Spaghetti! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Brains! [:nd] What? In jars? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] My uncle's brain's in a jar. It's really sad. [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] Why is it sad? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's not dead yet. [:nh] Right, everybody's punished. Finish your drinks. [:np] [:ra 245] They all scull their drinks, and are still horsing around when Rimmer approaches through the crowd. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Excuse me, please. Could you move, please? Excuse me. Some of us have more important things to do than wiggle our posteriors. Could you move please? Thank you. Could you move? Excuse me, please. Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Excuse me. [:np] [:ra 245] He runs into Kochanski, who drops her purse. Rimmer picks it up and throws it away. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] If you want to dance, do it over there. [:np] [:ra 245] Calls in the direction he threw it [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sorry. [:np] [:ra 245] Continues towards Lister's table. [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] That woman's out of your league. She's just too classy for you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Who is? [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] Kochanski. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I've got no big thing about Kochanski. [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] Stick to your usual type. Women with little wispy beards who wear three overcoats and carry little bags full of string. [:nd] Christine Kochanski? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Shut up! [:nd] What, Officer Christine Kochanski? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Selby, have you ever eaten a coconut whole? [:nd] Ah, you've got no chance with her. You're just too ugly. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen, hadron head, I've got no big thing about Christine Kochanski! [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] I have. [:nd] So have I. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer walks up to them and salutes. So do they, more or less. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ha ha ha. Lister, where's my revision timetable? [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] Shit, it's Saturday night! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, no one works Saturday night! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You don't work any night. You don't work any *day! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Skive hard, play hard! That's our motto! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday. I don't know anything. Where's my revision timetable? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait, is this the thing in all different colours, with all the subjects divided into study periods and rest periods and self testing time? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It took me seven weeks to make it. I've got to cram my whole revision into one night. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hang on, is this the thing with the note on it in red which said, `Vital. Valuable. Urgent. Do Not Touch On Pain Of Death? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I threw it away. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and his friends crack up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ha ha ha ha ha, tee hee. Where is it? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, I didn't. I pinned it up on the wall. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? Why? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] To dry it out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What do you mean, dry it out? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, I spilled a cold vindaloo on it. Don't worry, it's a little bit red, but you can read most of it, especially if you scrape the lumps off. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You spoiled my [_<300>] no, I haven't got time. I'm taking learning drugs and all I'm memorising is this conversation. [:nh] They're illegal! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer goes into a sort of trance, braught on by learning drugs [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where's my revision timetable, Lister, it's Saturday night, no one works Saturday night, you don't work any night, you don't work any day, skive hard, play hard, that's our motto, Lister, where did you put my revision timetable, it's Saturday night, no one works Saturday night, you don't work [:np] [:ra 245] Wanders off into the crowd in a daze, muttering to himself. [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] I've been to Titan, I've been to Bolanski, I can name 90 men [hxuwv] slept with Kochanski! Me! [:nh] Me! [:nd] Me! [:nd] [:dv pr 90 br 1 ap 70] The London Jets Juniors! [:nh] The service droids! [:nd] My mother! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, leave it alone, leave it [:np] [:ra 245] His daydream fades, and he's left back in the present, alone in the mess. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Alone. [:np] [:ra 245] he Tries to light up, but burns his fingers. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer is walking down a corridor, and runs into the Cat, who is pushing a cart loaded with silver boxes. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Aaaoooww! Ooh, babe! [hxawm]I looking? [:np] [:ra 245] Pulls out a little mirror. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm looking nice. My hair is nice, my face is nice, my suit is nice. I'm looking really nice! Aaaooowww! Jump back, hey[:np] [:ra 245] And so on. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I wonder how I'm looking now? [:np] [:ra 245] Pulls out the mirror and checks again [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Still looking nice. My hair's still nice, my face is still nice, my suit's [_<400>] I'm just nice, period. Aaaoooww, jump back, get down [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Good evening, you stupid stinking festering gimboid of a cat. [:np] [:ra 245] Begins to leave, then realises what the Cat has on the trolley. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Er, you're going to put these cigarettes back, aren't you? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Are you crazy? This is my all time best lucky find I ever found in the whole of today. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No no no no no, you are going to put these cigarettes back, quickly, before he comes. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] These are mine. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] They're not yours, put them back. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] See this hand? It is mine. See these things? They are mine. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll give you a fish. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] One fish? Ha! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Two fish. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] For all these shiny things? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll show you how to get all the fish you'll ever need. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Five fish? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [mm<200,13>mm<200,17>_<200>.] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Five fish? I'll be rich! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You certainly will! Yes, come on [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] All right! [:np] [:ra 245] Begins to wheel the trolley back the way he came, then suddenly stops, struck with suspicion. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Five fish? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Six fish! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oooowwww! [:np] [:ra 245] His mind made up, he goes the way Rimmer wants. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Rimmer's cabin. Lister is strumming on his guitar and singing something best left undescribed. Rimmer enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, what on Titan is this din? *Lister! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister stops singing and playing; the background tune, if that's the right word for it, continues from the CD deck. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What on Titan is this din? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's Rastabilly-Ska. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is this it? It's got a health warning on it, you know. It's bad for you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a classic. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] `Danger. Government Health Warning. This music can make you irritable and irrational and has been linked to disorders of the nervous system and bowels. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, no one takes any notice of that stuff. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, if you want to dice with death, fine, but don't poison my sound waves. Off! [:np] [:ra 245] The music stops. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why don't you listen to something really classical, like Mozart, Mendelssohn, or Motorhead? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister climbs into his bunk. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I think I've gone videoblind. Is that painting yours? It's rubbish! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a mirror. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I need some sleep. [:np] [:ra 245] Lies down in his bunk. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, do you, ah, do you remember Christine Kochanski? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Navigation officer? Yes, I remember her. Snooty cow. She used to look down on me. She used to call me Rimmer. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Everybody called you Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, it's the way she said it, though. Rimmer. Rimmer, to rhyme with `scum. God, she had a chip on her shoulder, Lister. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh yeah? Well, I want to go on a date with her. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tough. She's dead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] For just one night [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nope. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I want to turn you off [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nope. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] For just four hours [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nope. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And spend an evening with her hologram. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nope. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, I know you're worried I won't turn you back on [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nope. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But I promise, I swear, if you tell me where you've hidden the hologram disks [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nope. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, you're not even prepared to discuss it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We are discussing it, Lister. What's this, if it's not a discussion? A diesel locomotive? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, I promise, I *swear* I'll turn you back on! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is that it, Lister? Is that the entire proposal? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, Lister [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, think about it seriously, don't just dismiss it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All right, all right, I'll think about it. [_<1400>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're just going to say no. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Don't interrupt! I'm thinking about it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But you're just going to say no. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Not necessarily. I'm mulling it over. [_<1000>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [yx<400>eh<40>_<150>] no. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, what is it, man? Don't you trust me? [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer Mimes holding up an imaginary card. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Black card, Lister. I'm holding up a black card. Conversation over. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I've always been crazy about her. I never did anything about it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, Lister, you've forgotten the colour code. White. The white card is to continue the discussion, but this is a black card situation. Discussion over. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Da da da, black card, black card, black card, da da da, black card [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I was talking about something else! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] White card. Go on. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Right, for a start, I want to stop all this black card and white card smeg, it's driving me crazy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Black card. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, for four hours! I want to spend an evening with her hologram! What's so wrong with that? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You don't know when to stop, do you, Lister? I'm your superior. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Technician was the lowest rank on this ship. The man who changed the bog rolls was higher than us! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer Loses his temper and stands up to look Lister in the face. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, well he's not here now, Lister, and we are, and there's still a pecking order, and I'm pecking you, baby! [:np] [:ra 245] Also climbing out of his bunk; [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, Rimmer. OK. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] OK? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is that a threat, Lister? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Actually, `OK, Lister, is not a threat, technically speaking. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It is when you mean it to mean what I mean it to mean, and I mean it to mean, OK, Rimmer, [ow<200>_<200>] k! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, Lister, `OK is never a threat, no matter how many A's you put on the end. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to pass the exams and become an officer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, come on, wise up, Lister! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You'll have to salute me, Rimmer! You'll have to call me `sir! You'll have to give me Kochanski! And me cigarettes! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And on that day, Lister, Satan will be skating to work. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Their cabin, presumably the next day. Rimmer wakes up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister! Rise and shine, el slobbo! [:np] [:ra 245] Leaps out of his bunk and starts doing exercises. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Come on, I've been awake for hours, Lister! Up, up, up! Come on! Exercise, Lister! Exercise, sonny boy! [:np] [:ra 245] Finally notices that Lister's bunk is empty. Looks at the clock. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Quarter to two? I didn't set my motivator! I was supposed to be up at seven! Why didn't he wake me? He knows I'm a heavy sleeper. Have I got to remind him to do everything for me? He's so irresponsible. Holly, give me a cold shower, will you, please? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Certainly, Arnold. [:np] [:ra 245] There is the sound of a shower running, and Rimmer begins to shiver. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Not that cold! Hotter! Hotter! Aaahhh!* [:np] [:ra 245] Leaps to one side, out of the virtual shower. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Not that hot! Just forget it. Can you give me a clean uniform? Perhaps you can manage that? [:np] [:ra 245] His underwear is replaced by a uniform. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Thank you, Holly. Where's Lister? [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer Suddenly notices that something is wrong. His right arm is a lot hairier than it was a moment ago. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Er, Holly, where's my arm? This isn't my arm. Whose arm is this? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm sorry, Arnold. [:np] [:ra 245] but He doesn't sound very sorry. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Your physical data disk has become corrupted. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Don't give me excuses, give me my arm back. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'll have to refresh the graphics from a backup. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's got tattoos. `Candy. `Denmark forever. Is this Petersen's arm, Holly? I've got the arm of a Danish moron. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] If you'll just bear with me for a few minutes, Arn. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's not good enough, Holly. It's traumatic enough being dead. [:np] [:ra 245] Looks in the mirror. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And whose ears are these, Holly? They're like two giant radar dishes stuck higgledy-piggledy to the side of my head. I mean, just look at them! Look at them! Whose were these ears, Holly? AN African elephant's? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] They're your ears, Arnold. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Er, it must have been the way I slept. I haven't got time for this. Where's Lister? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] That information is security protected. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's he doing? [:np] [:ra 245] Walks out. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The bridge. The Cat is sitting at one of the consoles, eating. He finishes the meal and goes over to the food dispenser for another. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [m<100,13>m<100,15>m<300,17>_<200>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Hello. How can I help you? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Fish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Today's fish is trout a la creme. [:np] [:ra 245] Produces a dish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Enjoy your meal. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Fish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Today's fish is trout a la creme. [:np] [:ra 245] Produces a dish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Enjoy your meal. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Fish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Today's fish is trout a la creme. [:np] [:ra 245] Produces a dish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Enjoy your meal. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Fish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Today's fish is trout a la creme. [:np] [:ra 245] Produces a dish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Enjoy your meal. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Fish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Today's fish is trout a la creme. [:np] [:ra 245] Produces a dish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Enjoy your meal. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Fish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Today's fish is trout a la creme. [:np] [:ra 245] Produces a dish. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Enjoy your meal. [:np] [:ra 245] He heads back to his seat with the six bowls. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I will. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister? Where's Lister? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] They're mine! The fish is mine! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't want your fish, you stupid cat. Where's Lister? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [gr<200>rr<200>rr<800>!] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Idiot. Holly? As senior rank aboard this ship, I order you to tell me where he is. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I've told you. I can't. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, that's an order, you stupid ugly goit! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Ugly? I'll have you know I chose this face out of the billions available because it happened to be the face of the greatest and most prolific lover who ever lived. [:np] [:ra 245] Sticks out his tongue at Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Really? Well he must have operated in the dark a lot. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You what? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And when are you going to give me my own arm back? I refuse to walk around all day with Petersen's arm. You know what he was like. God only knows where this arm's been. [:np] [:ra 245] The arm suddenly slaps him in the face. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ahh! What's he doing? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Beats me, Arnie. Seems to have a mind of its own. [:np] [:ra 245] The arm sticks out two fingers and goes for Rimmer's eyes. He grabs it with his other hand and tries to stop it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tell him to stop it! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is this? A cabaret? Entertainment while you eat? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, no, no, no! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, can you place bets? My bet is on *this* arm! [:np] [:ra 245] The arm finally succeeds in jabbing Rimmer in the eyes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Aagh! [:np] [:ra 245] A bit late, he finally thinks of putting his hand over his eyes. The other arm continues trying to jab at them. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, you're absolutely gorgeous and handsome and delicious, *please* tell him to stop it. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] All right. Just give me a couple of seconds. [:np] [:ra 245] Petersen's arm gives up jabbing at Rimmer's other hand, trying to reach his eyes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, look at that. I've outwitted him. He's given up. Look, he's given up. [:np] [:ra 245] The hand suddenly jabs Rimmer in the goolies. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [uw<1600>!] [:np] [:ra 245] He doubles up in pain, and the arm takes the opportunity to punch him in the head. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] There. Done it. Just in time. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey! That was good! You should have finished on a song, it would have been perfect. [:np] [:ra 245] Still doubled up on the floor. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I hate everything. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Quick outside shot, then a corridor. Rimmer walks along, rubbing his head, and one or two other portions of his anatomy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oohh. Where is Lister, the little worm? [_<650>] [:np] [:ra 245] The ship's cinema. The Skutters are watching a Western. Rimmer enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister. Listy, Listy, Wisty, Lister [_<300>] I know you're here, Lister, you're always here Sunday afternoons. [:np] [:ra 245] Notices the Skutters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you two doing here? Skutters don't have time off! [:np] [:ra 245] They hold up a brush and shovel. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You really must think I'm stupid. I'll deal with you two later. [:np] [:ra 245] He leaves. One of the Skutters gives him the two fingered salute. He runs back in, but they both manage to look innocent. [_<650>] [:np] [:ra 245] The teaching room. Lister is watching a training video, making notes, and drinking beer. Rimmer enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're serious about this, Lister, aren't you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Go away. I'm busy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Off! [:np] [:ra 245] The video stops. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You seriously believe that a piece of fungus like you has got the stuff to become an officer? You've got the brains of diarrhoea and the breeding of a maggot. I mean, what are you writing on, Lister? The inside of a chocolate wrapper! I mean, come on, where's your loose leaf files? Where's your pencil? Where's your protractor and your hole reinforcers? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, I'm going to pass this exam by *knowing* things. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] OK, what's a porous circuit? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't know. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How do you calculate acceleration? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't know. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, this is sad! What's Boyle's Fourth Law? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't eat greasy food? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] These are basic engineering precepts, Lister! How do you expect to pass the engineering exam? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't. I expect to pass the chef's exam. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Chef? You want to become a chef? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not really. I just want to become your superior. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But a chef? A white hatted ponce? That's not a real officer! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It outranks you, smeg for brains! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And Lister, what's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, maitey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why am I worried? You'll never stick at it. You'll never pass. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Say, `You'll never pass, mister Lister, sir! Practice, Rimmer. Makes perfect. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer looks daggers at him, then walks out. [_<650>] Their cabin. Rimmer is pacing up and down while one of the Skutters holds a textbook and the other writes things down in an exercise book at Rimmer's command. The Cat is lying on one of the bunks. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Question four. Underline that. `What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oooooohhhhhh, I'm going to die, I've been fished to death! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My answer. In answering the question, `What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars? [_<400>] write bigger [_<400>] there are various words that need to be defined. What is a spectrum, what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with quasars? [_<600>] What the hell is a quasar? Just put a neat cross through it and we'll do the next one, OK? [:np] [:ra 245] We hear Lister singing (if that's the right word for it) as he approaches. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And I think that confidently and concisely answers the question, `What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister enters, bearing an impressively iced cake. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Da-daaaaaa! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister! Did you make that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. It's not that good, it was supposed to be roast beef. Do you want some, Cat? It's got some real cream and fudge in it. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Gaaahhh. I think I'm going to have to go and do something secret. [:np] [:ra 245] Jumps down from the bunk, and immediately regrets it. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Aaahhh! Look out! Food escape! [:np] [:ra 245] Staggers out the door and down the corridor. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, Lister. You're doing all right, yeah? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not bad. Not bad at all. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Listen, Lister. All this tension between us is stupid. There's just no need for it. I mean, you're tense, and I'm tense, and there's just absolutely no need for it. [:np] [:ra 245] lister is Chowing down with his cake and a can of beer. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm not tense. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Of course you're tense, you rectum-faced pygmy! [:np] [:ra 245] Recovers his composure. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I mean, there's no need for you to be slogging your guts out. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm enjoying it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Shut up. Doing an exam, and doing so well. There's absolutely no need for it, Lister. You can have the cigarettes, they're in pipeline 22. [:np] [:ra 245] lister holds up a packet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I know. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Good. The cat betrayed me. I don't mind. I'm delighted. What I'm saying, Lister, is there's no need for us to be at loggerheads. We're mates. We're pals. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Since when? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh, chuckle, guffaw, giggle! That's Rimsy and Listy! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] When? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Millions of times! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] *When? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah [_<400>] ah, how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? We laughed then, didn't we? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I broke me spine in three places. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like drains! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You laughed. I spent six weeks in traction. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, that's right, that's right! And you spent the rest of the summer walking around like a croquet hoop! Oh, I laughed so hard I nearly puked, I really did. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you saying to me, Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm just saying, Lister, that with times as good as those, there's no point in letting something small and silly like this come between a friendship that we've nurtured like a small flower, petal by petal, and watched blossom and bloom into something rare and special. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, give me Kochanski. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Smeg off, dishwasher-breath! You won't turn me back on! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, Rimsy-Wimsy-Mimsy, me bestest ever pal? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All right, Lister, I *order* you not to take those exams! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Black card, Rimmer. [:np] [:ra 245] Holds up a real black card. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] *You* are black-carding *me? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's only the beginning, Rimmer. When I pass the exams and become an officer, you'll be on latrines. You'll have the three o'clock watch every morning. I know you'll obey me, because you, I mean you, respect all that officer smeg. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] If you mean I respect my superiors no matter who they are, and I obey orders blindly and unquestioningly, yes, yes I do! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's exactly what I mean. Anyway, got to get some sleep, hard days revision on the morrow. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You always become the thing you hate the most. Look at you, Lister. Obnoxious, ruthless, single-minded, insensitive. You're more like me than I am. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, you've forgotten the colour code. This is a black card situation, end of conversation. [:np] [:ra 245] Sticks his finger in the cake icing and paints an H on his own forehead, like rimmers [_<400>] note: rimmer has an H on his forhead to show he's a hologram. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You never learn, do you? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Outside shot of the ship, then cut to the bridge. Rimmer is pacing up and down, while Lister relaxes in a chair, reading a zero G football magazine and eating a bun. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Chef Part 1 examination. Please proceed to the teaching room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're not ready for it, you know. Look at you. You should be doing last second revision. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I am. I'm revising buns. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I mean, it's obscene! Missing the entire first minute of the exam! [:np] [:ra 245] he Eventually finishes the bun, puts down the magazine, and goes to leave. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, here we go. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer Stands in the doorway. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No. You can't do this to me, Lister. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Give me Kochanski. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister walks straight through him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That was a lousy thing to do to a hologram. Have you no respect for the dead? [_<650>] [:np] [:ra 245] The teaching room; the chef's exam is in progress. Lister is preparing something. The microwave pings, and he turns around to lift a dish out. Behind him, Kochanski, or rather a hologram of Kochanski, walks into the room. Lister turns around, sees her, and freezes with a look of idiotic amazement on his face. [:nb] Hello, David. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister just stands there staring at her. Eventually, he realises he's still holding a very hot dish. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] *Aaahhh! [:np] [:ra 245] Drops the dish and clutches at his hands. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [iyiyiy!ahahah!uwuwuw!] I'm just doing this errmm, I'm taking this errmm, this is a surprise. [:nb] Dave, why didn't you just tell me how you felt about me when I was still alive? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [kahz] I'm a dope. And I'm a bum, and I'm stupid, and I'm an idiot, and I'm hopeless, and I'm useless. [:nb] I'm sorry, but I just don't like you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, hey. I'm really embarrassed now. I don't know what to say. [:nb] I suppose it's sort of pointless you doing the exam now. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, yeah. It's sort of pointless me breathing in and out, if you want to know the truth. [:nb] I could never love anyone like you, so you might as well pack up your pots and pans and off you go. I need a man who's going places. Up, up, up the ziggurat, lickety-split. [:np] [:ra 245] lister is Suddenly suspicious. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So, it didn't mean anything to you, then? [:nb] What didn't? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You know, when we made love on the snooker table behind the bins. [:nb] You never told me that. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I thought you might have noticed. [:nb] Oh yes! Yes, I remember now! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We've never made love. Go away, Rimmer. [:nb] Look, look, I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment. I'm having a woman's period. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A woman's period? Women don't speak like that! Give me a break! I don't know how you've done it, Rimmer, but that is not Kochanski. [:nb] It's Kochanski's body. It's Kochanski's voice. I mean, what's the difference? Come on! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The difference is that *you're* in there! Ugh! [:np] [:ra 245] Shudders in horror. [:nb] Well, you can't blame me for trying. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Leave! [:np] [:ra 245] Looking down the front of her / his shirt. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I've seen something you haven't, squire. OK, Holly, swap disks. [:np] [:ra 245] Kochanski transforms into Rimmer [_<200>] mostly. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Er, Holly, this is not my breast. I want my own nipple back, thank you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] *Leave, Rimmer! [:np] [:ra 245] Fondling his new breast. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There's no rush, Holly. [:np] [:ra 245] he Walks out. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The corridor outside the teaching room. Rimmer walks past, with a peculiar wiggle in his posterior. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, are you *sure* these are my hips? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister comes out of the teaching room and walks up to a service terminal. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lister 169-12-14-6. [:np] [:ra 245] The terminal produces an envelope, which Lister picks up. Rimmer is watching eagerly. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How did you do? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister opens the envelope and reads the message inside. There's no indication from his expression of whether it contains good news or bad. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How did you do? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister walks off. Rimmer calls after him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How did you do, Lister? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How did I do, mister Lister, *sir! [:np] [:ra 245] Jumps in the air. [_<800>] the end