[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 245] waiting for god [_<1200>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] This is an S O S distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. The most interesting event that happened recently was that Lister pretended he passed the chef's exam, although really he failed. That gives you some idea of how truly exciting some days can be around here. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The bridge. Rimmer walks in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly. Give me access to the crew's confidential reports. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Those are for the Captain's eyes only, Arnold. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Fine. Well, we'll give him ten seconds to come back from the dead, and if he hasn't managed it, we'll presume I'm in charge [_<600>] no, he hasn't managed it. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Whose do you want? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Give me, [_<300>] give me Lister's. Just the remarks. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] David Lister, Technician, third class. Captain's remarks: `Has requested sick leave due to diarrhoea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I always liked Captain Hollister. Such a great reader of men, was Captain Hollister. A marvellous, marvellous man and a tragic loss to us all. All right, Holly, give me [_<300>] give me mine. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Arnold Rimmer, Technician, second Class. Captain's remarks: `There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility but constantly fails the engineering exam. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holly, Holly. I want *my* report. Rimmer. Two emms, E, R. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] `Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No no no no no, Holly. I want *Rimmer. That's two [ahrz,] one at the front, one at the back. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Arnold, this is your report. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I always hated that pus-head Hollister. He always resented my popularity. That's why he never put forward my proposal to reduce the minimum haircut length by an eighth of an inch. Small-minded, petty-thinking modo. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Arnold, I'm picking up an unidentified object. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Constantly fails the exam? I'd hardly call eleven times `constantly I mean, if you eat roast beef eleven times in your life, one would hardly say that person constantly eats roast beef. No, it would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence. Possibly mad? What is he dribbling about? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's on the screen, Arnie. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What is? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The U O. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What is it? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I don't know. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, you'd better find out, hadn't you? It's obviously beyond me. I've got more teeth than brain cells, remember? [:np] [:ra 245] he Leaves in a huff. After he's gone, [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes, you have. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Rimmer's cabin. Lister is lying on his bunk, eating crisps (and making a mess) and sniffing noisily at a book marked CAT DICTIONARY. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] Would you like some toast? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [M<400>] [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] Some nice hot crisp brown buttered toast? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [_m<400>] [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] You don't want any toast then? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] What about a muffin? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nothing. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] You know the last time you had toast? 18 days ago. 11:36, Tuesday the third. Two rounds. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [sh<400>!] [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] I mean, what's the point of buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you don't like toast? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I do like toast! [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] I mean, this is my job! This is cruel, just cruel. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, I'm busy. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] Oh, you're not busy eating toast, are you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't want any! [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] I mean, the whole purpose of my existence is to serve you with hot, buttered, scrummy toast. If you don't want any, then my existence is meaningless. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Good. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] I toast, therefore I am. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Will you shut up? [:np] [:ra 245] He goes back to sniffing his way through the book. Rimmer enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What *are* you doing? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm reading. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What, with your nose? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. It's a cat book. They don't use marks, they use smells. You run your nose along the line and all the different smells are released. It's really good. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What a pathetic idea. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, unlike you, Rimmer, my mind is open to new cultures, and new ways of looking at and doing things. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And what does it say? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It says [:np] [:ra 245] reads as he smells along the pages [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] `See [HX<200>] Dick [HX<200>] run. [HX<200>] Run, [HX<200>] Dick, [HX<200>] run. [HX<200>] Run [hx<600>] home [HX<200>] Dick. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's the cat equivalent of Shakespeare, is it? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Shakespeare? Who's Shakespeare? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You moron. A playwright in the olden days. Wilfred Shakespeare. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm only just starting out. This is for three year olds, so you should try it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm not the slightest bit interested in smelling anything cats have to say, thank you, Lister. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You don't know what you're missing. Rimmer, there's this brilliant one where Dick buys this ball, this big ball, this big red ball. It's amazing stuff. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You ought to try reading your shirt sometime, Lister. It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo. Anyway, if you're interested, Holly's spotted [_<400>] is that my shirt? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. I borrowed it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's that down the front. [:np] [:ra 245] lister checks the various stains. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's definitely biscuit, um, that's custard, that's definitely ink, and just general sort of dirty marks. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You can't just go through my possessions! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, you don't need them any more. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Because I'm dead? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. You're a hologram, and holograms don't need clothes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] They're my things, Lister! Would you steal verruca cream from a man with no feet? I mean, how would you like it if I stole your T-shirt? Your favourite one, with the custard stains down the front? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I wouldn't care. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You've got no right to go through my wardrobe. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, OK [_<400>] You keep your underpants on coat hangers, don't you? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's private! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, Rimmer, OK, take the shirt back. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't want it. It's ruined, you've sweated in it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, if you don't want the shirt, what do you want, Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just keep out of my things, all right? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, OK. What's Holly spotted? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] An unidentified object. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You mean a rock. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It might not be. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They're always rocks. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Mostly they're rocks, I agree, but maybe this one's different. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, there's nothing out there, you know. There's nobody out there. No alien monsters, no Zargon warships, no beautiful blondes with beehive hairdos who say `Show me some more of this Earth thing called kissing. There's just you, me, the cat, and a lot of floating smegging rocks. That's it. Finito. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, if there's no one out there, what's the point in existence? Why are we here? [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] Beats me. Do you want some toast? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Arnold, the unidentified object is now in visual range. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer does a Complicated Rimmer salute. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All right, Holly. I'm on my way. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer marches out. Lister tries to imitate the salute, and clouts himself a painful one on the forehead. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] A corridor. The Cat climbs out of a ventilation shaft and does a somersault. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Aaaoooww! Nice jump. Heeyyy! Smooth with a capital smoo. OK, time to get out the food detector. [:np] [:ra 245] Reaches inside his jacket and pulls out an imaginary food detector. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Food [_<300>] this way. Aaaooowww, ooohhh, yeah yeah [:np] [:ra 245] And so on. Eventually he runs into Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah. You. Where have you been? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Investigating. Investigating this, investigating that. General investigation. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] General investigation, eh? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ahhhh, splendid! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Thank you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Keep it up. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] OK. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Fine. Well, ah, if you'll just excuse me [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey! You can't have my shiny thing! I found it, it's my shiny thing. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you dribbling about? [:np] [:ra 245] the cat Pulls out a silver yo-yo. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This is my shiny thing, and if you try and take it off me, I may have to eat you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's a yo-yo, you modo. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It does two amazing things. One, you have the shiny thing at the top, and the string down below, or, and this is the clever part, you have the string at the top, and the shiny thing down here where the string used to be. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yeah [_<300>] woweeee! You haven't the slightest clue what it's for, do you? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Why sure I do, grease stain. You hold the shiny thing in one hand, and you go [_<400>] aaaooowww! The string's moving! Hey! Stop that thing! Catch that string! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer wanders off, leaving the cat playing with his shiny thing. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The bridge. Rimmer enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where is it? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's in scoop range, Arnold. [:np] [:ra 245] Several monitors show wireframe views of a cylindrical object tumbling through space. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's a pod! Holly, bring it in! [:np] [:ra 245] He dashes madly off. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Rimmer's cabin. Lister is sitting on his bunk; the Cat enters, carrying a book and waving his yo-yo around. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm back! Feeling good! Feed me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat, hi. I haven't seen you for ages. Where have you been? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Investigating. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Got you some crispies. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah, yeah, yeah! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I read the book you gave me, you know. It's got a brilliant ending. I could hardly believe me nose. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, forget that. Got you this. The one you asked about. The Holy Book. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, great! [:np] [:ra 245] he Opens the book and begins to run his nose across it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey! Pictures! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah! That's a cat thing. You see, sometimes, in a book, we have a drawing of something that is happening in the story, and we call them `pictures. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, yeah, we have pictures too. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, you monkeys are smarter than I thought. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This is me! [:np] [:ra 245] The picture depicts a noble looking individual, vaguely resembling Lister, wearing biblical-style robes and carrying a black cat (an ordinary cat, not a humanoid cat) on his shoulder. Above his head is a doughnut-shaped halo. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No, that's not you, that's Cloister. He was the father of the cat people. He lived years ago, at the Beginning. [:np] [:ra 245] lister Turns the page. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Who's that? [:np] [:ra 245] The next picture shows the same guy (without the cat) sitting lotus-style inside what seems to be a giant ice cube. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's him frozen in time. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, that's *me! I was sent into stasis. That's what `frozen in time is. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He did that to save Frankenstein. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, Frankenstein was my pet cat! [:np] [:ra 245] Points back and forth between himself and the picture. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, Lister, Cloister, Cloister, Lister! See? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Listen, you stupid monkey, Cloister's another name for God! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's what I'm saying! I am your God! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat looks Lister up and down. He's not impressed. (Well, who would be?) [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] OK. [:np] [:ra 245] Points to his bowl of crispies. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Turn this into a woman. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm serious. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So am I! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, Frankenstein was my pet cat, right? And she was pregnant. Now, I got put into suspended animation. I was supposed to be there for 18 months, but I didn't get out for three million years. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You oversleep? So do I. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No! What I'm saying is that over those three million years, your entire race of people evolved from my pet cat. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ah, I gotta go now man. But let's do lunch sometime. I'll put it in my diary. 12:30, lunch with God. And, ah, formal dress, you know what I'm saying? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It is true, you know. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah? Then I gotta ask you the ultimate question. If you're God, why that face? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's wrong with me face? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's wrong with your face? It's upside down and inside out, that's what's wrong with it. Aaaooowww! [:np] [:ra 245] Leaves the room. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes, Dave? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] If I give you my cat dictionary, can you translate this for me? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh, I'll give it a go, Dave. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] Why are you always asking him? I'll do it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're a toaster. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] Ah, I was thinking of packing it in. It's turning me into something I don't like. I'm not a moaner by nature, you know. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, by nature you're a toaster. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] It just strikes me that there might be something more, something greater, something unimaginably more splendid than heating bread. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer dashes in, very excited. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, it's arrived! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What has? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The U O! It's a pod! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The observation room. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yes! [:np] [:ra 245] Dashes off. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer calls after him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, no point in running, Lister. It's mine. I found it, I've got bagsies. [:np] [:ra 245] To himself. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's such a child, that boy. [:np] [:ra 245] Suddenly he sprints off after Lister. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The observation room. Lister is peering through a window at the pod, which is in an isolation chamber. It's black, with some illegible red markings, and covered in dust. A monitor show's Holly's face. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is it safe, Holly? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes, Dave. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer dashes in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, no point in running. I found it, and it's mine. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Calm down. Dead people can have heart attacks too, you know. What is it? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't know. It's obviously some sort of alien capsule, and clearly they're intelligent, Lister. Ah, the chance to meet an intelligent life form, after 18 weeks alone with you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, mister Intelligence, what are those markings? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well I don't know, I don't speak alien, you gimboid. [:np] [:ra 245] Behind his back, Lister goes to the door of the isolation chamber and enters it. Eventually Rimmer notices. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you doing, Lister? We don't know if it's safe! It's quarantined! You might get some squiggly, slimy thing stuck to your face! [:np] [:ra 245] From inside the chamber, looking out through the window at Rimmer. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] of course it's safe. Come in, come on, come in. Ahh [:np] [:ra 245] Contorted in agony, he presses his face to the window. Gasping for air, he slides down the window, leaving a trail of saliva. Ugh. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ha ha ha, tee hee. All right, Lister, we'll play it your way. But don't think you're coming out of there! You're in there for a month. You're in quarantine. [:np] [:ra 245] Opening the door and stepping out. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What did you say, Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why do you never do what I tell you? Don't you think there's a shining good reason why I'm your superior? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. You've been with the company for 15 years [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No it's not. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And I've been with them for eight months. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No it's not. It's because I'm better than you. Better trained, better equipped, better [_<400>] better! Just better. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That must mean the rest of the crew are better than you then. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No it doesn't! It means [_<600>] I'm not going to let you bait me, Lister. This is far too important. Just you wait here, keep that door closed till I get back with the skutters. Tyke. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer leaves. Lister, ignoring his orders, goes back into the chamber to have another look at the pod. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, Rimmer, he's such a smeghead, man. [:np] [:ra 245] Looks at the markings. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey, hang on a minute. [:np] [:ra 245] Brushes some of the dust off them, and begins to complete broken letters with his finger. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Give me an R, give me an E, give me a D [_<600>] give me a Red Dwarf Garbage Pod! Holly? Did Rimmer never work in waste disposal? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] No, Dave. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's one of our Red Dwarf garbage pods with, like, the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, it's a laugh, innit? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister gleefully picks up a handful of dust and scatters it over the pod to obscure the writing again. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The ship in space. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] After intensive investigation comma, of the markings on the alien pod comma, it has become clear comma, to me comma, that we are dealing comma, with a species of awesome intellect colon. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Shut up. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Rimmer's cabin. Lister is snoring on the top bunk, Rimmer sitting on the bottom one. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Are you awake? Lister? Lister? [:np] [:ra 245] Stands up and shouts in Lister's ear. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] LISTER! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister sits bolt upright. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Are you awake? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, yeah. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yeah, I couldn't sleep either. It's the excitement. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What excitement? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The alien excitement! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, it's garbage. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You can scoff, Lister. That's nothing new. They laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Edison, they laughed at Columbo. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Who's Columbo? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The man with the dirty mac who discovered America. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What makes you think these aliens exist? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] They must do, Lister! There's so many things that are strange and odd. So many things we don't have any explanation for. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Like, um, why do intelligent people buy cinema hot dogs? Do you mean that sort of weird and mysterious thing? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, Lister, I mean like the pyramids. How did they move such massive pieces of stone without the aid of modern technology? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They had massive whips, Rimmer. Massive, massive whips. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All right, then, the Bermuda Triangle. Go on, explain that one. You know all the answers. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, I agree there. That is a genuine mystery. How did a song like that ever become a hit? It defies all reason. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I just don't know why I bother. I'd get more sense out of a squashed hedgehog. Lister, don't you ever stop and wonder why we're here? What's the grand purpose? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why can't it be like, like, human beings are a planetary disease? Like the Earth's got German measles or facial herpes, right, and that's why all of the other planets give us such a wide berth. It's like, don't go near Earth, it's got human beings on it, they're contagious! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So you're saying, Lister, you're an intergalactic pus-filled cold sore? At last, Lister, we agree on something. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What do you believe in, then? Do you believe in God? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] God? Certainly not! What a preposterous thought! I believe in aliens, Lister. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, right, fine, something sensible at last. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Aliens, Lister, with technology so far in advance of our own we can't even begin to imagine. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, that's not difficult. Mankind hasn't even got the technology to create a toupee that doesn't get big laughs. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Aliens, Lister, who can give me a real body. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ooohhh, I can't wait to see your face in the morning, I really can't. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And nor I yours, Lister, when that pod opens and from it emerges a beautiful alien woman with long green hair and six breasts. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Six breasts! Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Imagine making love to a [_<600>] woman [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The bridge. Lister enters, yawning, and goes over to the food machine. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Good morning. How can I help you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bonjour. Um, give me breakfast. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] What would you like? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Uh [_<300>] chicken vindaloo [_<300>] and a milkshake. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] What flavour milkshake? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Um [_<400>] beer. [:np] [:ra 245] The dispenser produces a food container and a glass of some brownish liquid. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Morning, Dave. I've finished your translation. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Who's Cloister? Is it me? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes, Dave. The cats have made you their God. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey! Working class kid makes good! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Your plan to buy a farm on Fiji and open up a hot dog and doughnut diner has become their image of heaven. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:np] [:ra 245] Holly displays a picture from the Holy Book, showing the noble, biblical, sort of Lister standing on a mountaintop, reading a scroll to the black cat. Holly reads from the book in voice-over. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] `And Cloister spake, `Lo, I shall lead you to Fyushal, and there we shall open a temple of food, wherein shall be sausages and doughnuts and all manner of bountiful things. [:np] [:ra 245] The picture changes to one showing the pseudo-Lister standing in front of a sausage and doughnut cart on a beach, with palm trees. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yea, even individual sachets of mustard. And those who serve shall have hats of great majesty, yea, though they be made of coloured cardboard and have humorous arrows through the top. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Does it say what happened to the rest of the cats? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Holy wars. There were thousands of years of fighting, Dave, between the two factions. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What two factions? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, the ones who believed the hats should be red, and the ones who believed the hats should be blue. [:np] [:ra 245] Another picture, showing the holy wars. It looks like a scene from the Bayeaux Tapestry. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Do you mean they had a war over whether the doughnut diner hats were red or blue? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah. Most of them were killed fighting about that. It's daft really, innit? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're not kidding. They were supposed to be green. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] A corridor. Lister is walking along. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Go on, Hol. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, finally they called a truce, and built two arks and left Red Dwarf in search of Fyushal. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But there's no such place as Fyushal. It's Fiji. I mean, how are they supposed to find it? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] `And Cloister gave to Frankenstein the sacred writing, saying, `Those who have wisdom will know its meaning. And it was written thus: `Seven socks, one shirt [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's my laundry list! I lined the cat's basket with me laundry list! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The Blue Hats thought it was a star chart leading to the promised land. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well it wasn't, it was my dirty washing. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Rimmer's cabin. Lister enters. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What happened next, Hol? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] `And the ark that left first followed the sacred signs, and lo, they flew straight into an asteroid. [:np] [:ra 245] Another picture. This one shows red Dwarf in space, with two arks (they look like boats with rocket engines stuck on the back) leaving it in different directions. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] `And the righteous in the second ark flew ever onward, knowing they were indeed righteous. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This is terrible. Holy wars. Killing. They're just using religion as an excuse to be extremely crappy to each other. [:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0] [:ra 210] So what else is new? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The observation room. Rimmer is directing the two skutters, who are drawing complicated diagrams and writing long reports about the pod. Lister enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm not interested. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And they killed each other over which coloured cardboard hat to wear. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm not interested. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But don't you think it's amazing? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nope. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You know what happened to people who didn't eat hot dogs on Fyushal Day? They were stoned to death by stale doughnuts. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, what do you want me to say? `Congratulations, you're God? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm talking about the suffering. People died, I mean cats died, cat people died. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You've just come here to rub my nose in it. I could have been God, you know, given a different start in life, given the lucky show-biz break you had. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't want to be a god. That's the point. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, vomitisation! I don't believe it! `I'm God, but it's a bit of a drag, actually? Come on! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm not a god! I've just been [_<300>] misquoted. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, for my money, anyone who goes around reading meaning into any old gobbledygook deserves everything they get. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I mean, if I'd had eight socks on my laundry list instead of seven, or if I owned more than one pair of underpants, they might have been safe. I just wish I could meet them and explain and apologise. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, that would look spectacular, wouldn't it, Lister? God returns in all his splendour, and says, `Sorry, it's all been a total cock-up! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to become their God. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, I didn't ask to be killed, Lister. Life's a bitch. Now smeg off, I'm busy. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I mean, they just made stuff up, you know. I'm supposed to have given them five sacred laws. Five sacred laws! I've broken four of them meself. I'd have broken the fifth, but there's no sheep on board. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Bye-bye. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I mean, Rimmer, what sort of Holy Write is this, it is a sin to be cool. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, I'm sick of hearing about these stupid cats! My concerns are slightly more meaningful than what coloured stupid smegging cardboard hat I'm wearing! I'm trying to decipher this! This is science, laddie! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Quagars? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Quagaaaars! It's a name I made up! Double A, actually! I believe the Quagaars have the technology to give me a new body! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Never mind this tot, where's the cat? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tot? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tot! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tot? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tot! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tot? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tot! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tot? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tot! [:np] [:ra 245] he Leaves. [:np] [:ra 245] Shouting after him, [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We'll soon see how totty it is, laddie, the quarantine period's nearly up! Bastard! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] A corridor. Lister is riding his 3 wheeler. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat? *Cat! [:np] [:ra 245] Toots his horn. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, where's the cat? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] He's no longer in my supervision field, Dave. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's gone down to the cargo decks. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I lost him as he entered supply pipe 28. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister gets off his bike and shouts down a ventilation shaft. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat? [kae<650>~t!] [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Another corridor. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat! Come on, kitty, kitty [_<300>] meow meow come on, kitty, come on, Cat, the crispies are getting warm come on, Cat! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Somewhere in the cargo hold. Everything is covered in dust and cobwebs. There's an improvised altar (a filing cabinet with some cat figurines and candles on top), a big statue of Cloister (wearing a doughnut on his head), and a bed, on which an old, blind Cat priest wearing red robes and hat (complete with arrow) lies. The other Cat (the one we know) is there too. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Aaaooowww, yeah yeah yeah yeah, hey fellas [:np] [:ra 245] the figurines on the altar [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] yes sir, I'm back! Feeling good! [:np] [:ra 245] To the priest.] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Feed me [:nw] You're always leaving me! Where do you go? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Investigating! See, I have these feet [:nw] I'm dying. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm telling you about my feet. My investigating feet. [:nw] Don't you hear me? I'm dying! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah. But I'm telling you about my feet. [:nw] Oh, why should you listen to me, a blind old priest that's lost his faith. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm not listening to you. I'm trying to tell you about my feet. [:nw] What do you care? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I don't care! You're the one who's doing the dying, not me. Why should I let it spoil my evening? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] A corridor, dusty and cobwebby. Lister is still looking for the Cat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat? Cat? [:np] [:ra 245] He pushes on a grill marked `Supply Pipe 28, and falls through it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oohh, Cat, when I get you? I'm going to turn you into a kebab! Holly? Can you still hear me? [_<600>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The cat church again. [:nw] Here. [:np] [:ra 245] Takes his hat off. [:nw] Burn the sacred hat. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's a fearsome hat. [:nw] Burn it, burn it! It's a symbol of the lies. [:np] [:ra 245] The Cat takes the hat and puts it on. Meanwhile, Lister's face appears at a window. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's burnt. [:nw] All my life I've served a lie. Because you're not there, Cloister, are you? You've never been there! YOU DON'T EXIST! [:np] [:ra 245] In the antechamber, Lister has grabbed one of the golden doughnuts off the head of a statue of Cloister and put it on his own head. As the priest shouts his disbelief, Lister pushes open the doors. [:nw] Who's that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It is I, Cloister! [:np] [:ra 245] To the Cat.] [:nw] Who is it, boy? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I told you, it's me, Cloister. I've returnethethethed. [:nw] Is it him? Is it truly him? Does he look like a king? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister quickly grabs one of the giant golden sausages that line the entrance and holds it threateningly over the Cat. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] A king? Yeah, yeah! [:nw] Is he wearing the doughnut and the golden sausage? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah, yeah! [:nw] Then it truly is him! Oh, I've failed you, Cloister. All these years I kept my faith. I wore the Holy Custard Stain and the Scared Gravy Marks. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister suddenly realises that the priest's robe bears the same stains as his own T-shirt. [:nw] I renounced coolness, and chose the righteous path of slobbiness. But in the end, I failed you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why didn't you go on the arks with the rest of the cats? [:nw] They left us behind. The sick and the lame. Left us to die. But then the boy was born to the cripple and the idiot. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What idiot? [:nw] Your father, boy. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] My father was a jellybrain? [:nw] Yes, that's why he ate his own feet. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I did wonder. [:nw] But, as one by one we died, my faith died also. You tested me, Cloister, and I failed you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, no, you didn't fail, old man. You passed. I'm giving you [_<400>] I'm giving you an Ay plus distinction. [:nw] You [_<400>] you mean there's a place for me on Fyushal? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A place? Got your own bathroom en suite, cork floors, your own barbecue on the patio, double glazing, a phone, everything! [:nw] My hat! [:np] [:ra 245] he's Horrified. [:nw] I've burned my sacred hat! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No you haven't! [:np] [:ra 245] Grabs it off the Cat's head and replaces it on the priest's. [:nw] A miracle! [:np] [:ra 245] Tries to stand up [:nw] This is the happiest day of my [_<200>] uh [_<250>] aaahhh [:np] [:ra 245] The priest suddenly collapses back on the bed, as dead as some doodoo. Lister sits down, appalled. The Cat puts his arm around Lister's shoulders. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Did I ever tell you about my feet? My investigating feet? Once upon a time, there was an old man [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] External shot of the ship, then cut to the observation room. Rimmer watches eagerly as Lister prepares to open the pod. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well? Are you ready for this, Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Open it! Open it! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister opens a hatch in the pod. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well? What's there? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Are you *sure* you're ready for this, Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, come on, you gimboid! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister reaches into the pod, and pulls out a plucked chicken, somewhat the worse for having spent Cloister knows how long in a garbage pod. Lister holds the chicken well away from his face, and holds his nose. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Incredible! A stupendous moment in my own personal history! The perfectly preserved remains of a Quagaar warrior! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, right, Rimmer, absolutely. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] They must have looked something like [_<600>] a roast chicken. [:np] [:ra 245] Eventually a slightly puzzled expression appears on his face. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] the [_<400>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's a garbage pod! [:np] [:ra 245] end. [_<800>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] IT'S A [:dv ap 500 pr 500 sr 5000] SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!!