[:np] [:ra 245] [:phone on] CONFIDENCE AND paranoia [_<950>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] This is an S O S distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. We have been travelling through the galaxy now for three million years and there are many things we've discovered. The highest form of life in the universe is Man and the lowest is a man who works for the post office. [:np] [:ra 245] The Drive Room. LISTER is watching a soppy movie on one of the screens while drinking a beer milkshake and eating a bowl full of french fries. Romantic piano music plays in the background of the film. carol and jim are in the film. [:nb] Oh, Jim, weren't you the one who said we have to seize our moments because they may never come again? [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER gurgles sadly into his milkshake. [:nd] [:dv br 20 ri 100 sm 30]This is our moment, right here and now. Let's seize it together. [:nb] Oh, you must know, I'm dying! [:nd] [:dv br 20 ri 100 sm 30] I know, Carol. Doctor Graham told me everything. [:np] [:ra 245] The music swells as, [_<300>] HOLLY appears on the screen, interrupting the movie. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Busy are you, Dave? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hol! I'm watching the film. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Just wondered if you're a bit bored. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, no. I'm watching the film. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You're not bored, then? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, go away! [:np] [:ra 245] The film reappears on the screen. [:nb] Oh, you must know, I'm dying! [:nd] [:dv br 20 ri 100 sm 30] I know, Carol. Doctor Graham told me everything. [:np] [:ra 245] The music swells once again. LISTER opens his mouth to sob and a mouthful of milkshake gushes onto his shirt. He doesn't seem to notice. HOLLY appears on the screen, interrupting the movie again. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I've just finished reading everything. I've now read everything that's been written by anyone ever. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Would you go away? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You know what the worst book ever written by anyone ever was? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't care! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Football, It's a Funny Old Game. [_<200>] by Kevin Keegan. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, would you let me watch the film? [:np] [:ra 245] The film reappears on the screen. Nothing much has a chance to happen before HOLLY reappears on the screen, interrupting the movie for a third time. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm at a loose end now. I don't know what to do with meself. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, why don't you just read everything all over again. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I was thinking it might help pass the time if I created a perfectly functioning replica of a woman, capable of independant decision making and abstract thought and absolutely undetectable from the real thing. [:np] [:ra 245] lister sits up eagerly at this news. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well why don't you, then? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Because I don't know how. I wouldn't even know how to make the nose. Heh. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, is there something that you want? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well actually, I've been thinking, would you mind erasing some of my memory banks? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What for? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, if you erase all the Agatha Christie novels from my memory, I can read [ahm] again tonight. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How do I do it? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Just type, "HolMem. Password override. The novels Christie, Agatha." Then press erase. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER jabs two-fingered on a keyboard. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I've done it. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Done what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Erased Agatha Christie. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Who's she, then? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, you just asked me to erase all Agatha Christie novels from your memory. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Why should I do that? I've never heard of her. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've never heard of her because I've just erased her from your smegging memory. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What'd you do that for? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You asked me to! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] When? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just now! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I don't remember this. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, I'm going to bed. This is gonna go on all night. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER grabs his milkshake and fries and walks out of the room. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] the Sleeping Quarters. LISTER lies in his top bunk, watching the soppy film in the screen over the sink. [:nb] that i'm dying! [:nd] [:dv br 20 ri 100 sm 30] I know, Carol. Doctor Graham told me everything. [:np] [:ra 245] The music swells. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer marches into the room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Off! [:np] [:ra 245] The screen turns into a mirror. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, having a good day, Lister? Scrummed enough choccies, watched enough drivel, have you? Look at you; you're turning into a sad, middle-aged woman. Next thing you know you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh yeah, and what've you done that's so great? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I've achieved seventeen things today off my daily goal list, whereas you've never achieved anything ever in your entire life. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't know, you know. I went to the Officer's Block. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] When? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This morning. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But it hasn't been decontaminated! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You said it had last week! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, I said it was on last Thursday's daily goal list! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And you haven't done it yet? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tomorrow. It's on tomorrow's daily goal list. Item 34, right after learn portuguese. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Thanks a lot. Don't tell me. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why were you mooching around up there, anyway? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I was looking through Kochanski's dream recorder. She dreamed about me three times, you know. It was in the log. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So? Clean my teeth, please, Holly? [:np] [:ra 245] he bares his teeth as if they're being brushed [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I mean, it must mean something. You don't dream about someone that you don't feel something for. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, I once had a dream about a babboon but that doesn't mean I want to go to bed with it. Shave, please, Holly. [:np] [:ra 245] he scrunches his mouth up and sticks out his jaw [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, you ought to take a good long look at yourself and then you'd see just how ridiculous you appear to other people. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] If you'd let me have Kochanski's personality disk for like one second, maybe I could find out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, if you were a Love Celibate like me you wouldn't have these problems. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, Rimmer, the only reason you knocked around with those prats from the Love Celibacy Society was you could never get a date. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, it wasn't. I happen to agree with their philosophy that love is a sickness that holds back your career and makes you want to spend all your money. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You could never get a date because you let your mum buy all your casual clothes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There is nothing wrong with my casual clothes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, come on, Rimmer, your trousers were so short when you crossed your legs, you could see your knees. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What about Yvonne MacGruder? That was a date. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] She'd been hit on the head by a winch, she had a concussion. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's got nothing to do with it. She was crazy about me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, yeah? She kept calling you "Norman. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] She still went to bed with me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, because she had wonky vision and she thought you were somebody else. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Serves her right for being concussed, doesn't it? [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER lies down on his bunk. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah, you don't know what love is. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, I do. Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer [_<500>] love is what makes us different from animals. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, Lister, what makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] the Sleeping Quarters. Later that same night. LISTER is moaning, sweating, and cringing in the top bunk. RIMMER sleeps peacefully in the bottom bunk. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lights! [:np] [:ra 245] the room lights go on [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, are you awake? Rimmer! Are you awake? [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer jerks awake [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? Yes, Mum, I'm just packing my satchel. Where am I? What time is it? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't feel very well. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer looks at a clock [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Half past three? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I feel really ill. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well you are really ill. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, I mean, [r<400>iy<400>l<400>iy<400>!] ill. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 2200 hr 3000 sr 3000] I'm going down to the medical unit. I don't feel very well. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER drops out of bed and stumbles out of the room, clutching his blanket (which says, "Hilton" on it) around himself. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lights! [:np] [:ra 245] the lights go back off. RIMMER settles back to sleep [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, Miss MacGruder, where were we? [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Level 159, outside the Sleeping Quarters. LISTER stumbles in the corridor, sobbing, sweating, shivering. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I feel really hot. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER stumbles and falls to the floor, unconscious. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Level 147. The CAT is dancing along the corridor, spraying various items with a small misting bottle. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something. [:np] [:ra 245] dancing away [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oooooooooow, yeaaaaaaah iyuw! [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Level 159. LISTER is still unconscious on the floor as the CAT dances up the corridor toward him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] s e x, you know I want it! s e x, I'm gonna get it! [:np] [:ra 245] seeing LISTER [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] s e x, I think I found it! [:np] [:ra 245] he finally recognizes LISTER and crouches down beside him [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, it's you! Hey, monkey, you're sick. Sick, helpless, and unconscious. If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes. [:np] [:ra 245] he sprays LISTER with the misting bottle and stands up [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Time for a snack. This way! [:np] [:ra 245] dances away [_<500>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159. This is an emergency announcement. [:np] [:ra 245] The Dining Area. The CAT stands at a food dispenser. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Food! [:nf] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1] [:ra 220] Today's Speciality is Chicken Meringue. [:np] [:ra 245] A chicken meringue with dinner rolls drops into the dispensing shelf. The CAT takes it and dances to a table. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm gonna eat you little chickie. I'm gonna eat you little chickie. I'm gonna eat you little chickie. [:np] [:ra 245] he flicks the chicken off the table to one side, catching it before it hits the ground [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Uh uh, too slow, chicken merango. Too slow for this cat. [:np] [:ra 245] he places the chicken back on his plate, looks away, and flicks the chicken off the other side, onto the floor [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey! This chicken is faster than I thought! [:np] [:ra 245] retrieves the chicken [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer runs into the room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Quick! Lister's fainted! He needs help! Quick! [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER runs back out. The CAT jumps up, then sits back down again. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer runs back in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Didn't you hear me? Didn't anyone hear me? Lister's in trouble. The monkey, [uw<400>_<200>uw<200>_<200>uw<650>_<200>] has fainted. I cannot pick him up. Quick! Come on! Now! [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER runs back out. The CAT jumps up, then sits back down again. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer walks into the room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is there something wrong with you? Didn't you hear me? Lister's collapsed! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What do you mean "yeah? He needs help! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] And? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And if you don't help him he might die. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Aw, no. That's too bad. I really liked him, too. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So, come and help him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What? And interrupt my lunch? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What is more important: a man's life or your smegging lunch? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That doesn't even deserve an answer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right. Okay. Fine. [:np] [:ra 245] he points to the scutters [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You come with me. You get a stretcher. [:np] [:ra 245] The CAT juggles his dinner rolls, sticks one in his mouth and holds the other two over his eyes. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The Medical Unit. LISTER is sitting in a wheelchair, wrapped in his blanket. RIMMER stands beside the medicomp, a medical computer. One of the scutters is on a counter, holding a thermometer. rimmer is directing it: [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Down, Down. Okay, stop. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let the medicomp take my temperature. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, they've got to learn. Down, down, slowly now. Ah ah, now very, very, very slowly forward. [:np] [:ra 245] The scutter jabs the thermometer into LISTER's eye. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] AIGH! Me eye! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, they've got to learn. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I've just nearly lost an eye! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How about an anal reading? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm all right! I feel fine now. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, you're not fine. And it's your own smegging fault for going up to the Officer's Deck before it was decontaminated. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I just wanted to have a look around. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You just wanted to go into Kochanski's quarters and wallow in self-pity and look what's it got you! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm all right. I've got a touch of pneumonia. That's all. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's not pneumonia. Three million years ago it was pneumonia but since then it's bred and mutated and now we don't know what it is. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why didn't I ask her out? What's the worst she could've said? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] She could've said, "No, you're a filthy, greasy, disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] She could've said, "yes. Stranger things have happened. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Only two spring to mind, the spontaneous combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546 and that incident in twelth century Burgandy when it rained herring. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's this theory that Chen used to have. It's like everyone's got two people inside you. You've got your confidence and paranoia. And your confidence's the guy who goes, "Hey you're great. You're dead sexy! Everybody loves you! And your paranoia says, "You're stupid. You're useless. You're ugly. And everybody hates you. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer looks at the medicomp. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's odd, Lister. According to this reading, you're clinically dead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And what that was was my confidence was just about to persuade me to ask Kochanski out and as I was walking up to her he'd go on a business trip to Hawaii or something and I'd be left with my paranoia saying, "You must be joking. She's gonna laugh in our face. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You know, sometimes, Lister, you can be quite perceptive and thought-provoking. And other times, like this, you can rant and drivel on like a complete loonie. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just take me to me bed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All right, Lister. [:np] [:ra 245] to the scutter on the floor [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Okay, you know how it works. Now release the mechanism very, very, very gently. [:np] [:ra 245] The scutter flicks a switch and LISTER and his wheelchair zip across the room and crash into a table. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Possibly a gnat's more gently than that. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Sleeping Quarters. LISTER is lying in bed, having a nightmare. RIMMER is standing in front of the mirror, practising the Full-Rimmer, Triple-Rimmer, and a Two-Handed-Rimmer salute. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Quick! Get an umbrella. Get an umbrella. Quick, get an umbrella. Get an umbrella. Cor! Ungh [:np] [:ra 245] while lister rants on in his sleep, rimmer reads from a poster over the sink. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] "Necrobics, Hologrammatic Exercises for the Dead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's raining. It's raining down. Get an umbrella! It's raining. It's raining. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER clenches up his face and starts rolling his head around. Something falls from the ceiling. Another one falls. RIMMER opens his eyes to see herring falling from the ceiling. He stares in amazement as more and more herring start to rain down from the ceiling. RIMMER backs out of the room. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Corridor 159. RIMMER continues to back out of the room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, what's going on? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's happening? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Um, Herkel Barrow's just stepped off the steaming train. And if you want my opinion, I think they all did it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why did we have to have you as the ship's computer? We'd be better off with a bucket of sheep's slop running things. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] If you've got a complaint, just come straight out with it. Don't hide behind innuendo and hyperbole. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why is it raining fish in our sleeping quarters? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'd be lying if I said I knew. The only comparable incident is in twelth century Burgandy when it rained herring. [:np] [:ra 245] The Mayor of Warsaw walks up to RIMMER, ringing a bell. He stops, then spontaneously combusts in a flash, leaving only a pile of clothes behind. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, yes. It's gonna be one of those days. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Sleeping Quarters. LISTER lying in bed. The CAT struts in with a silvery shopping bag. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, you're awake! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, I've just woke up. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah, well, I've brought you some presents! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Aw, you shouldn't have bothered. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ha ha! Well, I'm that kind of guy! Hey, let's see what we've got in the magic bag here! I got you some [_<400>] grapes! [:np] [:ra 245] he holds up the bare stems of an ex-bunch of grapes [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] And I got you [_<300>] got you an [_<300>] orange! [:np] [:ra 245] he holds up an orange peel [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Thanks a lot. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's all right. Hey, well, all this enormous generosity has made me tired. I'm going to bed. [:np] [:ra 245] takes LISTER's pillow and blanket and lies down on the bottom bunk [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ah, yes, indeedy. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER walks in. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer speaks to lister [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're awake. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah, but I'll be asleep in a minute. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer speaks to lister again [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How do you feel? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Fine. Just don't ask me anymore questions. I'm trying to sleep! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer turns to the cat. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Shut up, you stupid moggey! And out of that bed! [:np] [:ra 245] the cat gets out of rimmers bunk [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, if you're going to speak to me like that, I'm gonna take my presents back! [:np] [:ra 245] grabs the bag and heads for the door [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer speaks to lister once more [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How do you feel? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [:dv pr 100] Hurt! [:np] [:ra 245] the cat leaves. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I feel great. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Listen, Lister, you had a fever, okay? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And, you started to hallucinate, all right? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Only your hallucinations [_<400>] were solid. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What do you mean, "solid? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I mean they were real, alive, solid. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Solid? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Solid. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What do you mean, "they were solid? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Okay, I'll put it another way. You had hallucinations, all right? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And they were solid. I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia. I told you it was mutated. I knew something like this would happen. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, well, what did I hallucinate? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, first of all, it was fish rain. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fish rain? Yeah, I dreamt that! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, it actually happened! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where's all the fish? [:np] [:ra 245] the cat sticks his head in the door. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Somebody ate them! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Then, the Mayor of Warsaw spontaneously combusted. And then you hallucinated two men in the Drive Room. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What two men? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Apparently, one of them's your confidence and the other one's your paranoia. [:np] [:ra 245] Drive Room. CONFIDENCE is a bulky man in loud yellow plaids, gold chains, and slicked back hair. He is eating a steak on the central station. paranoia is a scrawny, stooped, sunken-eyed man in a black suit, sitting at a work station, eating a yogurt and sneering at CONFIDENCE. LISTER and RIMMER walk in. [:np] [:ra 245] lister's confidence speaks: [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Hey! It's the king! [:np] [:ra 245] kisses LISTER [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] mister Beautiful! [:np] [:ra 245] to RIMMER [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Hey, you, what does the "H" stand for? Horace? A chair for the king, Horace. And breakfast. mister Wonderful wishes to dine. [:np] [:ra 245] guiding LISTER to a chair [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Have you lost weight? You look terrific. [:np] [:ra 245] to the others [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Is he totally perfect or what? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is grinning broadly as he asks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're my confidence? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] I just love that accent. It makes me go all quibbley! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't get it. You look like the manager of the London Jets but you sound like Bing Baxter, the American quiz show host. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] I'm all the things you associate with confidence, King. [:np] [:ra 245] lister speaks to the other guy. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And you're my paranoia? [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] Isn't that a urine stain on the front of your trousers? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:np] [:ra 245] looks at his groin [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, it isn't. It's tea. [:np] [:ra 245] he approaches LISTER [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] So how are you anyway? Isn't that a huge spot appearing on your so-called face? My god, you've got fat, haven't you? Must be all that lager. Bet you've got a terminal disease. Always happens to the people who least expect it. Don't you find that? Say "hello, then, won't you? [:np] [:ra 245] walking back to his seat [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] I'm only trying to be friendly. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER is looking decidedly worried. [:np] [:ra 245] confidence speaks first to lister [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Baby, baby, what can I say? [:np] [:ra 245] to the others [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Is he the greatest, most fantastic, most handsome guy ever, or am I insane? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're insane. [:np] [:ra 245] to LISTER [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, what are you going to do about them? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Do? What can I do? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I think we should arrest them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What for? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] For being hallucinations. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, smeghead. It's a bit of company, isn't it? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, you're still sick. These two are symptoms of your disease. They're like the spots in measles, the swelling in mumps, the funny walk in cystitis. Until they're gone, you won't be better. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Hey, now I know what the "H" stands for. "Hidiot! Am I right? Heh heh heh! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You are treading on a very thin line, miladdo. The "H" stands for "Hologram. I happen to be dead. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy. [:np] [:ra 245] to LISTER [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Come on, King. Forget those losers. Let's go party. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, I forbid it! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why? [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] Why do you never listen to mister Rimmer? He's so much more experienced, more level-headed, so much [_<300>] better than you. [:np] [:ra 245] confidence puts an arm around lister [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Listen, no one is better than mister Magnificent and no one tells the Prince of Charisma what to do. Right, Prince? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, right! [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] That's my Davey-boy! Oohoo! [:np] [:ra 245] CONFIDENCE leads LISTER out of the room. Lister is obviously happy about it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't believe it, he's socializing with a figment of his imagination. [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] Yes. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER makes a pained expression at paranoia's back. [_<800>] View of Space. Lots of dust swirls around. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Please note the dust storm approaching. The surface of the ship is now out of bounds. All air locks are being automatically sealed. Estimated duration: eighteen hours. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Sleeping Quarters. CONFIDENCE listens as LISTER strums dischordantly at his guitar. [:np] [:ra 245] lister sings: wel [_<200>] it's a word, to his guitar music. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] our love I tried to kindle, like firelight it [_<400>] dwindles, now I wonder when this [_<400>] windd'll ever [_<400>] [stao<800>p] [:np] [:ra 245] confidence is amazed. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] You wrote that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but that was ages ago, you know. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] That is the greatest love song ever. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on! [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Ever! It's so deep. All the images! The kindling, the dwindling, all the indling! I love all that stuff! When I think there's fast buck merchants like Beethoven and Mozart out there grabbing all the publicity and here's you, writing pieces of that calibre, it makes me feel weak. [:np] [:ra 245] lister notices confidence pocket a cigarette but. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you doing with that cigarette butt? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Oh, you've embarrassed me now. It's just that, your lips have touched it. Your lips! The King's kissing lips! And I just wanted some proof that I'd actually met the Duke of Deliciousness! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're serious, aren't you? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Serious about what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm a nobody! Out of a hundred and sixty nine people aboard this ship, I ranked one six nine. Bottom of the pile. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] That's because you didn't want all that career stuff. You wanted your farm on Fiji with you-know-who. [:np] [:ra 245] he holds up a polaroid of Kochanski [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] If she'd've come. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] If? IF! And turn down the opportunity of becoming the envy of all womankind? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, we'll never know now. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Why not? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] She's dead. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] So? So's Rimmer. Bring her back. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't. Holly can only sustain one hologram and Rimmer's hidden all the other personality disks. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] So? Find them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Can't? You can do anything! Anything! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Drive Room. paranoia and RIMMER are standing together. [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] anything. He can't do anything. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, I know, I know. I'll bet five. [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] Do you know he used to practice kissing on his own? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How? [:np] [:ra 245] paranoia illistrates with his hands [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] He made lips out of one hand and waggled his thumb through the gap, like a tongue. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That is priceless! It really is. [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] Seventeen years old and he used to snog his own hand. Once, in front of the whole school, he called his gym teacher "Daddy. [:np] [:ra 245] A scutter rolls in a door behind paranoia, holding a syringe. [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] I could've died with embarrassment. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer leans closer to paranoia, trying to distract him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, what a silly thing to call a gym master. [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] I'm racked with guilt. I hate him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why do you hate him? Why do you talk about him so much? [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] Because he makes my life one big, humiliating, cringe-making, guilt-ridden hell! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer shouts to the scutter [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] NOW! QUICK! STAB HIM! STAB HIM. STAB [hxih<800>m<400>!] [:np] [:ra 245] paranoia turns to look at the scutter which has hardly moved. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Uh, you haven't met "Stabhim, have you? He's one of the scutters. Stabhim, meet Lister's paranoia. Lister's paranoia, this is Stabhim. [:np] [:ra 245] The scutter drops the syringe and tries to shake hands with paranoia. LISTER and CONFIDENCE walk in through the opposite door. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yo, Rimmer, listen, we've been thinking. We think we can get Kochanski back without turning you off. [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] Oh, he's drunk. Yes. I can smell it from here. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] All we have to do is turn off all non-essential power systems and Holly says it'll work. [:np] [:ra 245] confidence holds a lightbulb over lister's head. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Ding dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beer Milkshakes! [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] How can you be so obsessed with a girl you hardly know? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Hardly know, sir? You haven't heard the "indling" song! Our love I tried to kindle. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not now! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, you're not having the disks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why? Because she'll rank above you? [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] But she's a bright, intelligent, good-looking, witty, upwardly mobile officer. Why should she be interested in you? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, why should she be interested in you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, why should she be interested in me? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] [hxmm<600>?] Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about that song. I can't get it out of my head. Why? Because you're great! You're an incredibly seductive, charming, charismatic, young stud! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, yeah! I forgot. That's why she'd be interested in me. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, you're not having her disk or any disks. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Come on, King, you know Rimmer. Where would he hide [ahm]? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't know. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Yes, you do. [:nf] [:dv sm 0 qu 0 as 0 pr 40 hr 40 sr 40 la 40] No, he doesn't. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Come on, think "Winner! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Outside. Outside the ship. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Uh [_<400>] wrong, actually! [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Where outside? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, he'd have to send the scutters [_<400>] and the disks would have to be safe. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Wrong, wrong, absolutely brimming over with wrongability. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And they'd have to be right under me nose so he could laugh at me. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Wrong and getting wronger all the time. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Outside our sleeping quarters. The solar panel outside our sleeping quarters! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You followed me, you goit! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is that where they are? That's incredible! I did it! [:np] [:ra 245] Medical Unit. The medicomp is smashed apart. The bits are smoking, flashing, and making odd "broken" sounds. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer walks in and sees the broken medicomp [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister? [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Drive Room. Later. LISTER is wearing a space suit, holding the helmet under his arm. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How long now, Hol? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Can't be long now, Dave. Herkel has got all the suspects in one room and I'm only too pages away from "also by the same author. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, Holly. The dust storm. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh, that. Any time now, it's almost subsided. [:np] [:ra 245] confidence struts in, wearing a space suit [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Yeah, how's my baby boy? Oh, look! You've got a body like a coat hanger! How can you make a space suit look like evening wear? [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer enters [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Let me ask you one question? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's no use arguing, Rimmer. I'm going. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who smashed up the medicomp? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] He's stalling, King. Let's go. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, give him a punch up. [:np] [:ra 245] The image of the smoldering medicomp appears on one of the monitors. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, what's in it for them, smashing up the medical unit? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, come here. Come here. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER walks up to him. CONFIDENCE listens over LISTER's shoulder. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You are still sick. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I feel great. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You will not [:np] [:ra 245] glances at CONFIDENCE [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You will not [:np] [:ra 245] glares at CONFIDENCE [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You will not be better until they've gone. They know that and now they've stopped you getting any treatment. Where's paranoia? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] I don't know. Is it someplace near Uruguay? Heh heh heh! Who is this joker? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, they're germs and they're dangerous. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The storm has passed, Dave. Airlocks are now released. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] What are we waiting for, King? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nothing. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER and CONFIDENCE head out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, put a trace on paranoia. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What's a trace? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's space jargon. It means find him. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] No, it doesn't. You just made it up to be cool. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where is he? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] paranoia is no longer aboard this ship. [:np] [:ra 245] Red Dwarf Exterior. LISTER and CONFIDENCE are walking along a catwalk on the side of Red Dwarf. Presumably near the sleeping quarters. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Hey, look at that view, Kingo! Me and you, on top of the world! Makes you wanna dance! Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha cha-cha-cha. [:np] [:ra 245] lister finds the disks [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey, here it is! [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Did you hear something? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Nope. In space, no one can hear you cha-cha-cha! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You don't think paranoia could've got here first, do you? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Forget him, he's no danger. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He smashed up the medical unit. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] No, he didn't. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What do you mean? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] I did! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You did? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] So we can be together, Davey! You don't want to get cured. I did it for you! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So where did he go, then? [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] I killed him. Cha-cha-cha. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What do you mean, you "killed him cha-cha-cha! [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Hey, don't look at me like that. He didn't suffer. I just fed him into the waste grinder and flushed his bits into space. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, I'm gonna go inside now. Gets a little bit hot, you could get claustrophobic in these suits. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Take your helmet off. [:np] [:ra 245] lister begins to back away: he is holding a disk box. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:np] [:ra 245] confidence pursues [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] You're hot. Take your helmet off. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'll die! [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Why? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's no oxygen out here! [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Hey! Oxygen's for losers! Come on. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I need oxygen! [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] You don't need anything, King. You're the King! [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER has reached the end of the catwalk. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're crazy! [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER grabs the handrail and vaults around behind CONFIDENCE. [:nh] [:dv ri 100 sm 0 b4 100] [:ra 240] Who told you you needed oxygen, huh? Some loser who was trying to make you feel small. Look, I'll prove it to you. I'll take mine off first. We'll soon see who the crazy one is around here! [:np] [:ra 245] starts taking off his helmet [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [now<800>!] [:np] [:ra 245] CONFIDENCE removes his helmet and his body decompresses which is to say it explodes all over the place. [_<800>] Sleeping Quarters. The CAT has his clothes hung up on laundry lines around the room. RIMMER whistles to himself. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Must you do this now? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm doing my laundry! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's totally disgusting. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's disgusting? [:np] [:ra 245] he proceeds to lick the collar of one of the shirts enthusiastically [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I just want to say I was right all along. I said they were germs and they were germs. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, okay, so what? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And I'm just saying now, that disk will only bring you misery. I just want you to remember that I said that. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, if she comes back and she's not interested, I can handle it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Whatever, Lister. I just want it on record: that disk is a one-way ticket to Miseryville. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, well, I spent enough time listening to me paranoia. Now I'm gonna listen to me Confidence. [:np] [:ra 245] heads out with the disk [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER executes a Full-Rimmer salute and heads out the door, humming a marching tune. The CAT tries out the salute, waves it off, and then dances out of the room. [_<800>] Drive Room. LISTER is standing in front of the central station, looking at the disk. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hi, Krissie. It's not gonna work. Hello, Krissie. That's not gonna work either. Hey, yo, Krissie! Hi[_<500>] [:np] [:ra 245] he loads the disk into the simulator. RIMMER and the CAT walk in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, good luck. I mean it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Smeg off. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, honestly, I mean it. Good luck. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, Hol. Switch it on. [:np] [:ra 245] On the other side of the room, another hologram of RIMMER appears. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75]Well, he did warn you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I certainly did. [:np] [:ra 245] to LISTER [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Do you honestly think I'd put Kochanski's disk in Kochanski's box where any Munchkin could find it? You think you had it bad before, Lister? Well now you've got it in stereo, baby. [:np] [:ra 245] to RIMMER the second. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Welcome aboard, Rimmsie. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Nice to be here, mister Rimmer, you son of a gun. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<1200>] the end