[:ph on]
me 2
[_<800>]
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] This is an s o s distress call from the mining ship
Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only
survivors were Dave Lister who was in suspended animation at the
time of the disaster and his pregnant cat who was safely sealed in
the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions
are a lifeform who evolved from his cat and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
simulation of one of the dead crew. We've got enough food to last
three thousand years but we've only got one After Eight mint left
and everyone's too polite to take it.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
Sleeping Quarters. LISTER is looking over a bookshelf.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "Astronavigation and Invisible Numbers Made Simple."
That's Rimmer's.
[:np] [:ra 245]
tosses the book into a trunk and looks back at
the shelf
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah, ha! "The Pop-Up Kama Sutra Zero Gravity Edition! That's
mine! [:np] [:ra 245]
sticks the book under his pillow, turns back to the shelf,
and finds a video tape
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "Arnold J. Rimmer [_<350>] A Tribute." What's this?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer walks in. Editors note: we are using one tone, that is a [:tone<1000,75>] [_<400>] to represent the first rimmer. Two tones, [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] will be the second.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] It's a video of my death.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You video'd your death?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Holly did it for me.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're very strange, Rimmer.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] What's so strange? You have videos of weddings
and births.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So, what, do you have other people around, give
[ahm] sherry, and invite them to watch you snuff it?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Lister, my death is one of the most important
things that ever happened to me. Just stick it in the trunk and
shut up.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He tosses the tape into the trunk
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Weeeird!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer is now pointing to music and sports posters tacked up
over LISTER's bunk
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Uh, what about these posters?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They're mine!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I know, but the Blu-Tac is mine.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You want to take the Blu-Tac?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Well, it is mine. I did pay for it with my money.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, there's one of your old toenail clippings
under the bed. I'll put that in too, shall I?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Ah, Lister, this is one of the best decisions I ever
made. No more you and your stupid, annoying face. No more you and
your stupid, annoying habits.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me? What did I do?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You hummed. Maliciously and persistently for
two years. Every time I sat down to do some revision: [m<800>?hxm<800>!hxm<800>!]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hang on, are you saying you never became an officer
because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Obviously not just that, Lister, everything! Everything
you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Like what?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Like using my mother's photograph as an ash-tray.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from
Titan Zoo.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable
so instead of taking my Engineering Finals, I went swimming.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back
in the right place.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive
jelly.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, that was a joke.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Yes, Lister, the same kind of joke as putting
my name down on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly
Mister Nice Guy. Mister Easy-To-Live-With.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] What are you talking about?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes
all through the night. "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep. "Learn
Quantum Theory While You Sleep.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] We both got the same benefit.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, neither of us got any sleep. And what about
the time you tied me hair to the bedpost and then sounded the fire
alarm?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying
me. I don't have to explain it.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I nearly needed brain surgery!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] What brains? The point is you've always stopped
me being successful. That's a scientific fact.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Oh, yes, I can.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] See! It's always the same. You never had the
right pens for your G E drawing. Your dividers don't stretch far
enough.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Well, they don't!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] See! In the end you can't turn around and say,
"I'm sorry I buggered up my life, it's all Lister's fault!"
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Well, I'm not, am I? I'm moving out. Out of
Slob City and into Successville.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, you mean next door?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] It's not the place, Lister. It's the company. I'm
about to share my life with someone who'll give me encouragement
and understanding, the thrust and parry of meaningful conversation.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Another Rimmer, RIMMER 2, sticks his head in the door.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Everything tickety-boo?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Absolutely, Mister Rimmer. I'll be along lickety-split.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Carry on!
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER and rimmer two both give each other a Full-Rimmer salute. RIMMER
#2 leaves.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] What a guy! I just don't know why I didn't think
of this before. A duplicate me.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, yeah.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he picks up a painting
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Carry this for
ya?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Be very careful with that. It's an antique. It's
absolutely priceless.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER turns the painting round to get a look at it and we see that
it's one of those really cheezy cute dog paintings.
[:np] [:ra 245]
lister carries the painting out of the door.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, man.
[:np] [:ra 245]
mockingly
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tickety-boo. Lickety-split. Gawd,
meaningful conversation.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER walks along corridor 159 from his door to the door next to
it
and reads the name plaque on the door.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Second Technician
Arnold J Rimmer and Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer. [:np] [:ra 245]
he shakes
his head and activates the door opening panel.
LISTER carries the painting into the Rimmers' Sleeping Quarters. The
room is symmetrical with a tidy little bunk on each side of the room,
a desk in the middle, and posters with geometric patterns on the wall.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Ah, Lister. Be very careful with that. It's
an antique. It's absolutely priceless.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Gosh, I just said that!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Did you, really? That's incredible! What
a lovely story!
[:np] [:ra 245]
The two Rimmers laugh as Lister points to a sign on the wall.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why have you got
"No Smoking" signs up when neither of you smoke?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Because they're our "No Smoking" signs and we
happen to think they look rather striking.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister spots newspaper cuttings on the door and asks,
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Whoa ho ho! What's all this?
[:np] [:ra 245]
he begins to read the headlines.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Arnold's Tops With
Us, [_<400>] "I Owe It All To Rimmer, [_<400>] "Arnie Does It Best. [_<400>] This is very
funny stuff.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Uh, just go.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Because your name's Arnold Rimmer and even though
these headlines are about other people, you've cut them out and put
them on the wall so people will think they're about you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Shoo, shoo, shoo!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Look, go on, out!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This job's going to keep me laughing all through
the winter!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Lister, we don't have to take this anymore. We
don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your total slobbiness,
your socks that set off the sprinkler system.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Vacate our quarters!
[:np] [:ra 245]
to rimmer,
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bye bye, Rimmer. No, wait.
[:np] [:ra 245]
to RIMMER
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bye bye,
[:np] [:ra 245]
to rimmer two [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] bye bye,
[:np] [:ra 245]
to RIMMER
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer,
[:np] [:ra 245]
to rimmer two
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he heads out of the room as rimmer and his counterpart both say:
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] goit!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Corridor 147. The CAT dances along.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oooooowwww! I'm looking good today! If I looked
any better, I'd be illegal!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he pulls out a megaphone and speaks into it.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hello, hello,
testing, testing, me, me, me! Attention, all lady cats, I am feeling
very, very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available! Please
form a queue! No squabbling! This is your lucky day!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister's Sleeping Quarters.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister engages on a spert of what would've normally anoyed rimmer a lot, starting off by going
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [hxm<400,13>hxm<400,15>hxm<400,17>hx<400,8>m<1600>]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] lallallanannalalnalaaaa[_<300>]
Ecstasy! NANANANAANNAAANNAAAA! We're talking mega-ecstasy bliss! I
can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like. I'm a free man.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he looks
at the hamper
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And you see those socks? See [ahm]?
[:np] [:ra 245]
he dumps the contents of the hamper
out on to the floor
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They're going right where they belong, all over
the floor, where any self-respecting bachelor would keep [ahm]. I
can have the bottom bunk, the big bunk!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he hops into the bottom bunk
and kicks his feet around joyously. He hops back out and grabs the
shampoo bottle from the sink
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm gonna leave the top of the shampoo
off!
[:np] [:ra 245]
takes off the top of the shampoo bottle
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to squeeze
the toothpaste right from the middle!
[:np] [:ra 245]
opens the toothpaste and squeezes
a lot of it into the air
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] In fact, I'm gonna do all the things that
drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he cracks his knuckles
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm gonna grind me teeth!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he grinds his teeth
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm gonna live for a change!
Yeeheeheeheeeeee!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister leaps into a handstand, landing with his face
right near the dirty socks on the floor
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ugh, smeggin hell! [:np] [:ra 245]
he picks
up the socks and puts them back in the hamper, coughing
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's this?
Video of Rimmer's death? Holly,
get us some pop-corn, put the video on for us, would ya?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, I can just about manage that, I suppose.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER pulls a stool up to the monitor over the sink as a scutter
rolls up with a box of popcorn.
On the monitor the words: "A Tribute to Arnold J. Rimmer, BSc, SSc
appear, accompanied by dramatic music.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] "BSc, SSc? What's that?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming
certificate. He was a total lunatic.
[:np] [:ra 245]
on the vidio, rimmer speaks as Lister listens.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Hello. This video pays homage
to a man who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing. Before we
see a digitalized recording of his final moments, there's going to
be a lengthy tribute, interspersed with poetry readings, red by
me.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Whoa-ho, Hol. Spin on!
[:np] [:ra 245]
The video fast forwards
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, Hol. Put it in motion. [:np] [:ra 245]
The video continues
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [_<100>] and if it hadn't been for those
people who kept dragging him down, pulling him down, pulling him
back [_<200>]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Spin on! [:np] [:ra 245]
The video fast forwards and continues
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] if you put [nah`powliyaxn] in quarters
with Lister, he'd still be in Corsica, peeling spuds.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister is getting a little anoyed as he demands
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Spin on!
[:np] [:ra 245]
The video fast forwards
and continues
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] we see the final moments of
Arnold J. Rimmer.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yes!
[:np] [:ra 245]
On the video, Captain HOLLISTER is in the Drive Room yelling at RIMMER
who is standing at attention. A few officers stand in the
background. the following conversationtakes place on screen Starting off with captain Hollister saying
[:nh] [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
Look, it was your
job to fix it, Rimmer! You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I know, sir, and I accept full
responsibility for any consequences. [:np] [:ra 245]
he executes a Full-Rimmer salute.
[_<600>] A blinding white light glares and everyone is blown across the room
by a tremendous wind.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Still on screen, Holly decides to pitch in realising that something is going on.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Emergency. There's an emergency
going on. Will Arnold J. Rimmer please hurry to white corridor 159. This
is an emergency announcement.
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER is thrown against a wall, screaming
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Aaaaaiiiiiiiuuuuurrrrghhhhh[_<300>]
[gae<400>`zpae<600>chow<400>_<300>suw<800>p!]
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<400>]
RIMMER is blown out of shot until only his arm is visible which falls
into the shattered remains of a snow flurry paperweight.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Off.
[:np] [:ra 245]
the video stops
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[gae`zpaechow] soup? Why were
his last words "[gae`zpaechow] soup?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Before Holly, the toaster, or the lavetory (heaven forbid) have a chance to answer, the cat enters on the prowl.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Attention lady cats!
Sensual emergency! Good luvvin needed bad! [:np] [:ra 245]
he spins around
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ooooooowwww!
[:np] [:ra 245]
to LISTER
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, no girls here? What a waste of a good move! It's
a shame. I'm looking so dangerous, too! Wow! Yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat, what are you doing?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm courting.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Courting who?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Whoever shows up.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I told you before. There's no other cats on board.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] If I believed that for one minute, I'd go crazy!
[:np] [:ra 245]
as he's dancing out
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oooooowwww! Yeah yeah! Yeah yeah!
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
Rimmers' Quarters. The two Rimmers are exercising by squatting
then leaping high into the air, throwing their arms above them. Looks
like overexuberant jumping jacks.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Up, up, up! Stretch, stretch, stretch! Stretch further!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer the first stops jumping
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [_<400>] and rest.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: No! Keep jumping!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer jumps up and begins immitating his double once again.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Absolutely. Keep on going.
Through the pain barrier. Jump, jump, jump! [:np] [:ra 245]
stopping;
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] And rest.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: What are you doing, man?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I'm resting! It's going all gray!
[:np] [:ra 245]
The second Rimmer is jumping as though the ground under his feat will explode if he stays there for long.]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]:That's the pain barrier! Beat it!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer one begins jumping again, somewhat awkwardly
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You're right. You're absolutely
right. Keep it going.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Finally, the bomb seems to have been dealt with as the second rimmer stops.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: And rest.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer collapses.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Brilliant! That extra little bit.
That's what it's all about.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: What time do we get up?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Oh, early! Half past eight.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: No, earlier than that. Seven.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] How bout six?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: No, half past four.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] That's the middle of the night!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: You wanted driving. I'm driving you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You're absolutely right. Holly, alarm call four thirty
in the morning. Make it the sonic boom, extra loud, emergency one.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes, Arnold. And Arnold.
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER starts to crawl into bed
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Uh, what are you doing, Arnold?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I'm going to bed, Arnold.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: But it's two in the morning! We can get in
a couple hours of revision easily.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] But I'm getting up in a minute.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: You take Porous Circuits and Esperanto. I'll
take Thermal Energy and the History of Philosophy.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer leaps out of bed enthusiasticly.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Fantastic! This is what I've always
dreamed of! I'm in heaven! Better than sex.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
View of Red Dwarf from space
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Good morning. It is four thirty. Here is your
early morning alarm call.
[:np] [:ra 245]
A huge blast made of warbles, barks, whistles, and sirens shakes
the ship.
[:np]
[buw<1600,888>uw<1600,999>uw<1600,9999>uw<800,999>m<800>!]
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<1200>]
Corridor 149, outside LISTER's quarters. RIMMER is directing
the scutters in painting the walls.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] That's it. Smooth and even. Up
and down.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER walks out of his quarters.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Ah, Lister. Bonnen Maitenon. Didn't wake you,
I trust?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, I haven't been to bed yet.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] But it's five past five in the morning. It's
practically lunchtime.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you doing?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] It's called "work, Lister. I didn't think you'd
recognize it. w o, r k. It is in the dictionary. [:np] [:ra 245]
to the scutters
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Come on, paint! Paint, paint, paint!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But why are they painting the color the same color
it was before?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] They're changing it from Ocean Gray to Military
Gray. Something that should've been done a long time ago.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Looks exactly the same to me.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] No, no, no, no.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer points to a section of a wall
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] That's the new Military Gray bit there
[:np] [:ra 245]
he points to an identical
section of wall
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] and that's the dowdy, old, nasty Ocean Gray bit
there. Or is it the other way around?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It doesn't matter, Rimmer. It looks very nice. So
how's Misses Rimmer?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Tee hee, hoddle, ha. Why don't you
just get back into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for
a full day's slob.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I just wondered what you talked about and that,
you know.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Millions of things, Lister. Apart from being
a complete genius, that man happens to be a total delight. Has me
in stitches all the time.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? I mean, he knows everything you know and
you know everything he knows. So what do you talk about?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] We reminisce, chew over old times, past glories,
old girlfriends.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, you mean Yvonne MacGruder?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Don't say Yvonne MacGruder as if she's the only
one.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, go on, then. Name one other girlfriend, then.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Lister, I'm far, far, far, far, far too much of
a gentleman to stoop to that kind of showerroom mentality. All you
need to know about Yvonne MacGruder is: I gave her one! [:np] [:ra 245]
he makes a
fist and punches his arm into the air, grabbing his bicep with his
other hand, in the age-old boinking gesture
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fine, Rimmer, that's nice. Very nice. Very,
very nice. So, um, what's "[gae`zpaechow] soup?
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer is dumbstruck, more or less lost for words.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] What?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's just that they were your last words and I
wondered why.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You've been watching my death video, haven't you!
That's private! It's for my enjoyment only!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It just seemed like such a strange thing to say.
"[gae`zpaechow] soup.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Well, I'm sorry I didn't have time to bash out
a speech in iambic pentameter. I was hit in the face by an atomic
explosion.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But why "[gae`zpaechow] soup?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] That, Lister, is something that you will never
ever know.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Arnold, you asked me to remind you when it was
time for your Esperanto revision.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Thank you, Holly. [:np] [:ra 245]
to the scutters
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You two, carry
on.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer's Quarters. LISTER sneaks in. No sign of the Rimmers.
LISTER goes over to the bookshelf on the desk.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister pulls a large book from the shelf.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "A to Z
of Red Dwarf! Ha, ha, ha-ha! [:np] [:ra 245]
he opens the book and finds a smaller
book hidden in a hole cut into the original large book]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I thought so!
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER puts the dictionary back and reads the small book.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "My Diary, by Arnold J. Rimmer. January the first:
I have decided to keep a journal of my thoughts and deeds over the
coming year, a daily chart of my progress through the eschelons of
command, so that perhaps one day, other aspiring officers may seek enlightenment
through these pages. It is my fond hope that, one day, this journal
will take its place alongside [nax`powliyaxnz]War Diaries and The Memories
of Julius Caesar.
[_<400>] Next entry [_<400>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
lister flips the pages of the diary.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "July the seventeenth:
Auntie Maggie's Birthday. [_<400>] "November the twenty-fifth:
[gae`zpaechow] Soup day! [_<400>] That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out.
[:np] [:ra 245]
The closet door opens and the CAT climbs out.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Heh. You won't find that one. Not until he changes
his boots. [:np] [:ra 245]
he sees LISTER
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] OH! [:np] [:ra 245]
the cat holds a hand up to hide his face and
he heads for the door
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Did you see him clearly? Could you spot
him in a parade? I don't think so. That could've been anybody.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He leaves.
[_<800>]
Lister's Quarters. LISTER is blowing a large bubble with
bubble gum. Once he's satisfied, he holds up a spanner and ruler
to measure it, then pulls the gum out his mouth with the bubble intact
and still attached.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ten and three-quarter centimeters! Plus five
for not breaking and that is a big, big score! The Brown's going
to have to do something quite sensational with their last bubble. Quite
clearly. [:np] [:ra 245]
he puts new gum in his mouth
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Busy, Dave?
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER spits his gum across the room in surprise.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, yeah, I am, actually!
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh. Then you won't want to know about the two
super-lightspeed fighters that are tracking us.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, Holly. Hol. Come on.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] They're from Earth.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's three million years away.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] They're from the NorWEB Federation.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's that?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] NorthWestern Electricity Board. They want you,
Dave.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me? Why? What for?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] For your crimes against humanity.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You what?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Seems when you left Earth, three million years
ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Did I?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You know what happens to sausages left unattended
for three million years?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, they go all mouldy.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of
the Earth's surface. Also, you left seven pounds, fifteen pence
in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own 98%
of all the world's wealth. And because you hoarded it for three
million years, nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why NorWEB?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got
a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A hundred and eighty billion pounds! You're
kidding!
[_<400>]
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]
April Fool.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But it's not April.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah, I know. But I can't be waiting six months
with a red-hot jape like that underneath me hat.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So you just made it all up, then?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah. Bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it? You
can't beat a good wheeze. Huhuhu!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't need a good wheeze. You can do your own
excitement for yourself.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister overhears the two rimmer's speaking through the wall.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] No, you can't. You haven't got a clue. You're
useless.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister hears this remark and tells holly to
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [sh<400>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: [_<400>] shut up!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>]I make you vomit?
[:np] [:ra 245]
to holly
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's that?
[:np] [:ra 245]
through the wall,
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Keep your voice down!
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
Rimmers' Quarters. rimmer two is in bed. RIMMER stands facing
him.
rimmer is obviously hurt.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I'm not gonna stand here and take this
abuse.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Oh, yes, when the going gets tough,
the tough go and have a little cry in the corner. You got a sponge
for a backbone! No wonder father hated you!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] That's a lie! A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Then why didn't he send you to the academy?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] He couldn't afford it!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Oh! He sent all our brothers!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Face facts, man, nobody likes you! Not even
Mummy!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:dv pr 80] Mummy ddidd like me! Mummy was
just busy. She had a lot of meetings to go to.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Twattle!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You better watch what you say about my mummy! I'm
a grown man and I'm not going to accept it.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmmer two loses it completely and bellows
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: [:dv pr 100] Oh, grow up, mister [gae`zpaechow]!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer is stunned, more so than when Lister said it. quietly, he asks
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Mister what?
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer two is still yelling.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: I [_<400>] SAID [_<400>] MISTER [_<400>] GAZ [_<300>] [p`ae<600>`chow<800>!]
[_<200>] DEFIE!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer is in tears
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] That is the most obscenely, hurtful thing
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: GOOD!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister's Quarters. LISTER is standing at the door, trying
to listen to the Rimmers.
[:np] [:ra 245]
the rimmers are heard from they're quarters.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] That is the straw that broke
the dromedary, that is. You're finished, Rimmer.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer two snarls as he retorts.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: No, YOU'RE finished,
Rimmer!
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER sees RIMMER leave his own quarters. LISTER runs back to the
top bunk and pretends he was reading a book. RIMMER walks in sadly.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Ah, Lister[_<200>] um, [_<300>] how are you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, tickety-boo. What [daxyxah] want?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I don't suppose you've managed to get that Blu-Tac
together for me, have you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, it's three [ey] m!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] It doesn't matter. It can wait til the morning.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he heads for the bottom bunk
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I'm just gonna sleep here, okay? So,
when you're ready.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Everything alright, is it?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Sure! Absolutely. Yeah, sure.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No problems, then?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] No! No, no. Things couldn't be hunky-dorier.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's just, I thought I heard, you know, um, raised
voices?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Heh. It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it? Having
a [_<300>] a blazing [raw]
with yourself.
[:np] [:ra 245]
The second rimmer is yelling from his quarters.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: HIT THE WALL! YEAH,
HIT THE WALL! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER 2 is directing the scutters to hit the adjoining wall
for him.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer in Lister's quarters shouts through the wall at his wall-attacking hologram double.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] CAN YOU SHUT UP,
rimmer? SOME OF us ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer turns to lister
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I
mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer two yells back through the wall.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: SHUT UP, [yxax]DEAD
GIT!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Excuse me a second, Lister, will
you?
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer walks calmly to the door
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, [yxax]FILTHY
PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he turns back
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Lister, there's no point
in concealing it anymore. Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff. Nothing
major. But it goes without saying, IT WAS HIS FAULT!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
The cinema. The CAT and LISTER are sitting together.
LISTER has a cigarette, popcorn, a soda, and other mystery foods that if we new about we'd probably regret.
[:np] [:ra 245]
on the screen, an anouncer says.
[:nh] Fired from Earth? Deep into the
heart of the Solar System? And you fancy a curry? Then why not
drop in at the Titan Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant! Enjoy the finest
Tandori Cuisine at one-fifth gravity! Just a short space-walk from
this cinema!
[:np] [:ra 245]
the cat turns to lister.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Shut up!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, will you stop doing that?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm trying to watch the film!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm only eatin!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No. Eatin's when the food goes in your mouth!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer enters
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Morning.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer takes a seat beside lister.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] What's on?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Orson Welles. "Citizen Kane.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Uh, there's no smoking on this side. You should
be sitting over there.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nobody's complaining.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Yes, they are! I am. So would you kindly move
to the proper designated smoking area for the convenience of other patrons?
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER blows smoke in RIMMER's face.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I thought you hate films, don't you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] No, it's for the film course at night school. "Citizen
Kane, [hxm?] That's Orson Welles, is it?
[:np] [:ra 245]
the film is a cartoon with a large cat firing a machine
gun.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Ah, that's "Citizen Kane, alright! Unmistakable.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why are you here? Where's your wife?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Don't ask me. He's nothing to do with me, anymore. Last
time I saw him, he was redoing my paint work. Changing it from Military
Gray back to Ocean Gray. He's quite, quite mad!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer two enters.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Lister. Cat. [:np] [:ra 245]
he sits directly in
front of RIMMER
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer talks to rimmer two.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Excuse me, I can't see.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: [sh<400>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Excuse me, I can't see through
the back of your stupid, curly-haired, sticky out eared head.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm trying to watch the film!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] move!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Look, I just happened to choose a seat at random. If
you're unhappy with your seat, I suggest you move.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Right.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he stands up
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Now, where shall I sit? Over
here or over there? Ummmm [_<400>] no, that's a nice seat!
[:np] [:ra 245]
sits directly
in front of RIMMER 2.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Look at this, Mister Maturity. [:np] [:ra 245]
he stands up and
sits in front of RIMMER in the front row
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Will you two guys just grow up?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Two? I think there's just one immature person
around here and we all know who it is.
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER and rimmer two point at each other.
A shadow of a RIMMER two's hand as a shadow puppet comes up on the
screen.]
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer two ventriliquates as the shaddow puppet speaks.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Hello. What do you
think of Arnold Rimmer?
[:np] [:ra 245] he goes [fbfbfbfbffbfbfbfbb!fbfbfbfbfbfbfbbffbf!fbfbfbfbfbfbfbfbfb!ftftfftfttftftftftftft!]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This can't go on. One of you's
gotta go.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer and rimmer two point at each other and say
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: [:tone<1000,75>] Yes, him.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Look, it's crystal smegging clear which one
of us has gotta go.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Yes, you! Look, I was here first. I nursed Listie
through those early, delicate days!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Look, we are identical. We're exactly the
same person. Only you're mentally unstable.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister begins pointing at the rimmers as in the one potato, two potato sort of choosing method.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ippy-dippy, my space-shippy, on a course
so true, past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he ends on RIMMER
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Excellent! Excellent decision, Listie! Turn
him off.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] And the one you end on is the one who stays, yes?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister speaks fermly to rimmer.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's you, Rimmer.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Wait a minute. Just wait a minute. Hold your
horses. Hang on.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's your own fault, Rimmer. If you'd've given
me Kochanski's hologram, none of this would've happened. You made
the bed, you lie in it. Drive Room. Ten minutes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: Drive Room. Five minutes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I don't believe it. I've been ippy-dippied to
death.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<1200>]
The Drive Room. LISTER, the CAT, and
rimmer two are in the
Drive Room.
[:np] [:ra 245]
lister talks to the second rimmer.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I want you out.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: What have I said?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just out!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: There's precious little entertainment on this
ship. I mean, if you can't attend the odd execution, what have you
got left?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Out! Go on!
[:np] [:ra 245]
As rimmer two leaves, he passes RIMMER who is in full dress uniform. stopping, he says
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>]: [ffbbfbffbbbbfbtbbtbtbt!!!!]
Don't forget to write,
[yxax]great nancy! [:np] [:ra 245]
he leaves
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Lister.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fancy a drink? [:np] [:ra 245]
notices the four medals on RIMMER's
jacket
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ooooh! I didn't know you had any medals! What are they?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Three Years Long Service,
Six Years Long Service, Nine Years Long Service, [_<600>]
Twelve Years Long Service.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, just one drink.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I'll have a whiskey.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, give [ahm] a whiskey.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] How would you like it?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Straight. With ice and lemonade, a cherry and
a slice of lemon. [:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER flinches as he experiences the invisible
drink
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Another? [:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER nods. He flinches.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] And another. [:np] [:ra 245]
flinches
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] And another. Make it
a double.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he flintches once again as Lister takes a Seat
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So, um, what's all this [gae`zpaechow] soup
business? What's it all about?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you. [gae`zpaechow]
soup. It was the greatest night of my life. I'd been invited to
the Captain's Table. I'd only been
with the company fourteen years. Six officers and me! They
called me "Arnold. We had [gae`zpaechow] soup for starters. I didn't
know [gae`zpaechow] soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the
chef and I told him to take it away and bring it back hot. He did! The
looks on their faces still haunt me today!
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer is crying now
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I thought they
were laughing at the chef, when all the time, they were laughing
at me as I ate my piping hot [gae`zpaechow] soup! I never ate at the Captain's
Table again. That was the end of my career.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, come on. Anyone could've made that mistake.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] If only they'd've mentioned it in Basic Training! Instead
of climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels.
If only, just once, they'd said, "[gae`zpaechow] soup is served
cold" I could've been an admiral by now! [:dv pr 30] Instead of a
nothing which is what I am, let's face it.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Aw, come on. You're not a nothing.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He is.
[:np] [:ra 245]
to the cat. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You're right!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I know I'm right.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] I never got off the bottom rung. And do you know
why? Because I didn't have the right nobby parents. I bet Todhunter
was fed [gae`zpaechow] soup the moment he was on solids. No, I bet he
was breast-fed with it.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he gestures to where breasts would be (and
were in "Balance of Power [_<200>] so his position is quite accurate
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] One side [gae`zpaechow] soup and the other
side freely dispensing chilled champagne! [ftftftftft!bfbfbfbfbfbf!bftbftbft!ftftftftftftvtbbfbfttbftbftbttftbftbftbftbf!!]
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Is this gonna go on all day? I thought he was gonna
get wiped!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Yes, go on. Turn me off. Go on. Turn me off. Get
rid of me.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I've already done it. I wiped the other one.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he grins enfuriatingly
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] What? You wiped [_<400>] When!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] When you came in.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] And you let me stand here and bare my soul?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. You see, I wanted to find out about [gae`zpaechow]
soup and I knew you wouldn't tell me.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Well, of course, I wouldn't tell you. You'd make
my life a hell with [gae`zpaechow] soup jokes for the rest of my life!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer. I promise, I swear I will
never, ever mention this conversation again. And when I swear, I
mean it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] You promise?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I promise. [:np] [:ra 245]
crosses himself and makes a Boy Scout
salute
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Do you swear absolutely?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I swear absolutely that I promise that I will
never mention [gae`zpaechow] soup again! [:np] [:ra 245]
again crosses himself and makes
a Boy Scout salute
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:tone<1000,75>] Alright. You're a bit of a slob, Lister, you
know, but, when it comes down to it, you keep your word. This time
I'm gonna believe you. Let's go for another drink.
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER, LISTER, and the CAT head out the door.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Souper!
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER glares at him
[_<1000>]
The End
[_<800>]
well I hope the tones weren't too confusing, that the episode was a good one and that you enjoyed it. it's taken me over 3 hours, that's about 3 hours and ten minutes to convert this one for one reason and another.
Justin who does our m p 3 files, your cool: and he's doing music now! brilliant or what, [ah?]
well, that's it for now and that's it for red dwarf, season one.
Season two, episode one called kryten will be released on friday, the twenty first of march.
Until then?
[_<400>]
live with yourselves.