[:ph on] [:np] [:ra 245] Better than life. [_<800>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Three million miles from Earth the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive. Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate and a creature who evolved from the ships cat. Message ends [_<400>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Additional: Loneliness weighs heavily on us all. Personally the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Berni Inn. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] A rocket powered metal cylinder approaches Red Dwarf from the depths of space. inside, Lister has a medical problem. He is holding a bottle of liquid to help a bad stomach. ] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] For a mild stomach upset take one tea-spoon-full. For acute indigestion take two. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister considers this for a moment, takes the spoon out of his mouth and throws it away. Then he empties most of the bottle into a glass and starts gulping it. Rimmer enters, dressed as a chef. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round. Obviously you can't expect perfection first time but I was quite delighted with the way my dumplings went down. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] True, but compared to what I thought they were going to be like they were quite superb. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So how's the Cat? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's just sleeping off the stomach pump. He'll be alright. The lamb was a bit of a flop though. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The lamb? Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese and that lemon meringue pie man, what was in that? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I thought you liked that, you brought some back. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's not easy Lister, cooking. When you're dead, when you don't exist, when you're made entirely of light. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's your excuse for everything isn't it? being dead. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the everyday, normal, things that most living people take for granted. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've got the skutters to help you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? Pinky and smeggy Perky? What use are they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They only do what you tell them to. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah but they don't do they? You say "Keep an eye on that lamb" and they do. They sit there for three hours and watch it burn. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So. They've got no emotion have they? It's not built into their software. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Have you seen their broom cupboard? it's full of pin-ups of John Wayne. That cannot be right can it? Piled this high [:np] [:ra 245] Shoulder height. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] with Film Fun magazines. It's not the way spanners behave in my book. [:np] [:ra 245] Holly appears on the screen and breaks in. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] [oy.] What's happening dudes? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hi Hol. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Guess what? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Go on, have a guess. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What is it vaguely about? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] No clues, just have a guess. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer and Lister look exasperated. Lister covers his face. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I knew you wouldn't get it. Post pod's arrived. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What, the mail? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round it's caught up. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Do you mean it's taken 3 million years. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah, that's about average for Second Class Post. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] we see the skutters, racing around the corridors. One is wearing an Indian headdress and is being chased by another in a cowboy hat firing a gun. Lister and Rimmer walk past. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] See what I mean? [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer makes an indian war-cry. [_<800>] The pod has been opened. Piles and piles of mail are lying around. The arm of a skutter takes one from the John Wayne fan club addressed to [_<300>] the skutters, Red Dwarf, Deep Space, R E 1, 3 D W. [_<300>] and disappears. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There's everything here, all the mail, entertainment cassettes, a new batch of movies. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, the new Friday the thirteenth movie. Friday the thirteenth part one thousand six hundred and forty nine. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, Cassablanca! They've re-made Cassablanca. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Philistines. I mean how can you re-make Cassablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I saw that one, knockout! Of all the space bars on all the worlds you had to re-materialise in mine. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, a cassette of a whole year's of Earth news here. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And two seasons of zero gee football. I'll see you in the spring. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister gets up to leave. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah Ah Ah Ah. What are total immersion video games? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where? Oh these are brilliant. You can't get hold of these for love nor money; these are like Venus's arms. These are like Brooke Shield's buttocks. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister picked up a canister as he spoke. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are they? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well they're computer games aren't they? But electrodes are inserted into your frontal lobes and hypothalamus right? So you actually feel as though you're really, really there. Yessssss. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer seems to dismiss the idea. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Fine. Holly there's something here for you. It's a video letter. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Bung it on. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister inserts the cassette and a face, somewhat similar to Holly's, appears on the monitor. Except that this one wears glasses. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Strike a light, it's Gordon. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who's Gordon? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] He's the eleventh generation AI computer aboard the Scott Fitzgerald. He's got an i q of eight thousand. [:nh] [:dv la 100 ap 70] Alright Hol? It, It's Gordon. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Awesome his intellect I'll tell you. [:nh] [:dv la 100 ap 75] I'm just sending on the latest move in our chess game. My move is Pawn, right. That's the little knobbly ones down the front. Pawn to King four. Your move. Well, I'd better sign off now. See you Hol. Bye. [_<400>] uh? [_<400>] How do you turn this off then? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister turns gorden off and speaks to Holly [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You were playing postal chess with him were you? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well. A chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre I'd be a fool not to. Pawn to King four eh? He's a sly one. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So who's winning Hol? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, he is really. That was the first move. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] In the sleeping quarters, lister is sorting out the post into piles. His is a lot larger than rimmers. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me, Me, Me, You, Me. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's all junk mail yours you know. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me, Me, Me. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You send off for every bit of rubbish going you do. Just so you'll have some mail to open. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me, Me. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer sounds like an idiot as he says [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes I am over eighteen though my i q isn't. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me, Me. Smeg! Outland Revenue. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer suddenly develops a cheerful expression. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh oh oh oh, Outland Revenue. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Eight thousand five hundred? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Eight thousand five hundred? That's a lot of tax isn't it Lister? How on Titan are you going to pay for that eh? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm not. [_<600>] It's yours. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer jumps up [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No. This is wrong, it's wrong. This is well wrong Lister. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're not going to catch you now are they? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What do you mean? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct. That means nothing to these people. They'll find us. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister seems to shrug it off and returns to mail-sorting. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] God. I'll be worrying about this all the time now. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me. No another one for you. Rear Admiral, Lieutenant General Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's from my mother. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rear Admiral? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Every time I take an exam I tell her I passed. It's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Do you want me to open it? [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer nods, Lister does so and starts to read. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Dear Rimmer. [_<300>] Is this from your mum? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's mumsie. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This handwriting's terrible. [_<400>] I hope this epistle finds you adequately healthy to discharge your duties. [_<400>] You know maybe I shouldn't be reading this deeply personal stuff. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just get on with it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I write to [_<400>] I can't read that! Oh I write to inform. [_<400>] I write to inform you that your father is dad. [_<400>] Well of course he is. Maybe it's your father stroke dad. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's dead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't make it out [:np] [:ra 245] he holds the letter up and examines it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My father is dead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My father is dead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh yeah it's an E. [:np] [:ra 245] he's happy to have solved it [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's what it is. Your father's dead Rimmer. [:np] [:ra 245] he realises what he's said. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh eh. I'm sorry. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is that all she says? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just that he passed away peacefully in his Jeep. [_<300>] sleep! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The scene is now the observation dome. Rimmer is staring into space. Lister arrives. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Can't sleep? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [hxm<400>.] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, me neither. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [hxm<400>.] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Leggo set. My grandma tried to explain you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So I wanted to know where like, you know. She said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I knew he was dead. I mean they're all dead aren't they? Just getting that letter makes it seem like it happened yesterday. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You never said much about him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You must have been pretty close. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Close. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Was it very close? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Close? [_<400>] I hated him. I detested his fat stupid guts the pop-eyed, balding, [giht.] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He always wanted to join the Space Corps, be an officer. But they wouldn't take him because he was an inch below regulation height. One inch. I had three brothers. When we were young he bought a traction machine so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother Frank was eleven he was six foot five. Every morning he'd measure us and if we hadn't grown, back on the rack. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Sounds like he had a screw loose. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't think he had one screw fully tightened to be perfectly honest with you. He had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got them wrong? no food. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] God Rimmer, how did you cope with that? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I had no idea. I thought you adored your parents. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] When I was fourteen I divorced them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I took them to court. I got paid maintenance until employment age and access every fourth weekend to the family dog. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So why are you so completely blown away about him dying then? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, it doesn't mean to say I don't respect him, didn't look up to him. It was only natural, he was my father. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's nothing natural about your family Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for him to say to me well done. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] For what? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] For something, for anything. I wanted him to be proud of me, just once. And now [_<400>] [:np] [:ra 245] The cat enters with a flourish, completely wrecking the serious moment. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wow! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry. Hey there you are. Hey man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [sh<600>!] Not now man. Rimmer's dad's died. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'd prefer chicken. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Back in the sleeping quarters Rimmer is watching the news tape. A hologrammatic newsreader is reading the news. Behind her is a backdrop saying. Groovy Channel 27. [:nu] Good evening. Here is the news on Friday the twenty-seventh of Geldof. Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read. To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. The page has been universally condemned by church leaders. Europe. A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working Front, a fanatical left wing group dedicated to eliminating the [:np] [:ra 245] The cat enters and sits on the end of Rimmers bunk. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Pause [:np] [:ra 245] The news stops. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] About your father. If it's any help he's in the ground now. Sure it's bad news for him. But on the other hand it's party time for all the little worms [:np] [:ra 245] he wiggles his fingers as Rimmer and Lister stare at him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] There's just no consoling him! [:np] [:ra 245] He leaves. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer listen, me and the Cat were going to play a t-i-v. We wondered if you wanted to come [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer shakes his head. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh come on Holly says he can key you in [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer shakes his head again. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No? [:np] [:ra 245] after pausing, lister leaves. [_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Play. [:nu] middle class was arrested today. The man, Henri le Clerque, was attempting to poison the mineral spring in france which is the source of all the world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded experts believe the middle class would have been wiped out within three weeks. Techno news. The new sensation sweeping the solar system is the total immersion video game Better Than Life. Using the new senso lock feedback technology Better Than Life is able to detect all your desires and fantasies and then make them come true. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer sits up and listens more carefully. [:nu] So great is the appeal of Better than life when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd. Sport. England's underwater hockey team's tour of Titan [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer and the Cat are eagerly watching Lister who is searching through the mail. Rimmer has completely changed his mind about the idea and is as keen as the rest of them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Better than life, here it is. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Brilliant! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Let's play. Hee hee hee. [:np] [:ra 245] They all put on rather strange looking helmets and press large electrodes into their heads. A stupefied expression appears on their faces. Their heads roll alarmingly. Suddenly they are seen through a cloud of steam in a corridor. They pass through two sets of imposing double doors and appear on a beach. They have entered Better Than Life. [_<800>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What sort of game is this? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's incredible. It's just like being here. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeesss. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister has seen Marilyn Monroe walking towards them. [:nb] Boop boop bi doo. [:np] [:ra 245] She waves and walks past. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's what's-her-name, the actress from the twentyeth century. Err, Mary Magdelene. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's Marilyn Monroe you gimp. [:np] [:ra 245] he nudges Cat [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I think she fancies you. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What does that prove? She's not blind. Hey baby I'm a little busy right now. I'll catch you later ok? [:np] [:ra 245] he waves to her and she waves back. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's absolutely incredible. Look, Look ! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer has seen a Napoleonic figure standing in the water and runs over to him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could I just say you are my all time favourite fascist dictator and I've read all your war diaries and I thought your Italian campaign was simply brilliant. Err could you just sign this for me. Err make it out to my good pal Arnie from your dear chum Napolean Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my sister Alison. Errm we call her Arnie. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer points behind Napoleans head as he signs the autograph and then goes to rejoin the others. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Napolean Bonapartes autograph! [:np] [:ra 245] Suddenly a man appears with them. He is the Better Than Life guide. The crew look rather shocked by his sudden appearance. [:nd] [:dv br 0] Gentlemen. Welcome to Better Than Life. Well you must be hungry and there's a restaurant just a couple of miles down the beach. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A couple of miles? How are we supposed to get there. [:nd] [:dv br 0] Anyway you want. After all this is Better Than Life. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Any way we want? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister concentrates briefly and a powerful motorbike appears on the beach before them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hee hee. Yeah. Yo! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and the cat get on the bike and sunglasses appear in their hands. They put on the sunglasses, give Rimmer the finger and drive away, covering him in sand in the process. Rimmer concentrates and a clapped out Reliant Robin appears before him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm thinking too small. Think big! [:np] [:ra 245] The Robin becomes a flashy Jaguar. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's more like it. Heh Heh. [:np] [:ra 245] He gets into the car and turns on the radio. Martial type music comes forth. Rimmer salutes. He concentrates again and a woman appears in the seat next to him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] McGruder! [:nb] [:dv nf 100 ap 300 hs 110]] hi tiger! [gr<20>_<10>r<20>_<10>!r<20>_<10>r<20>_<10>!r<20>_<10>r<20>_<10>!r<20>_<10>r<20>_<10>!r<20>_<10>r<20>_<10>!r<20>_<10>r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!r<40>_<10>!] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I bet you're wearing a peep-hole bra under that eh? [:nb] [:dv nf 100 ap 300 hs 110]] yes! I [`]am! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer growls and sticks his hand in his mouth. He seems rather pleased with the way things are going. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We're only one thing away from perfection. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer concentrates again and fluffy dies appear in the car. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Bliss. [:np] [:ra 245] McGruder gives Rimmer a sexy look and he drives off along the beach. We cut to the interior of a classy restaurant full of colorful, you might say strange if they were poor, people. The Cat is blowing down straws and Lister is throwing food about and trying to catch it in his mouth as usual. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Where's Rimmer? I thought he was right behind us. [:np] [:ra 245] The Better Than Life guide appears and serves Listers' food. [:nd] [:dv br 0] Your caviar vindaloo sir. Half rice, half chips and lots more bread and butter to follow. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat something as classy as this you know. [:nd] [:dv br 0] This is Better Than Life sir. [:np] [:ra 245] turns to Cat [:nd] [:dv br 0] And yours was the fish sir? [:np] [:ra 245] The cat nods eagerly and starts to lick the mans jacket. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you doing? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I always do this when someone gives me food. [:np] [:ra 245] The cat continues and Lister puts down his plate. The guide puts a tank full of fish in front of the cat. [:nd] [:dv br 0] As ordered sir. Small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't like your fish cooked. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No sir. I like my food to move. [:np] [:ra 245] he produces a fishing rod, dangles the hook in the tank and starts singing. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm going to eat you little fishy [_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer walks in dressed rather nattily like someone from some years ago who has just been out for a drive in an expensive car, goggles included. [:nd] [:dv br 0] Mister Rimmer sir. They're on table K on the second terrace. [:np] [:ra 245] The guyde salutes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Excellent. [:np] [:ra 245] he moves off to join them [_<400>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm going to eat you little fishy. I'm going to eat you little fishy cos I like little fish [:np] [:ra 245] he laughs and shakes salt into the tank. Lister still looks on with a strange expression [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I was driving along and suddenly there was McGruder. Well one thing led to another and [_<400>] Good God this is a great game. Twice in one lifetime, I'm turning into Hugh Heffner. [:np] [:ra 245] he starts to eat some bread. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, you can touch things! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I know. Why do you think I was so late? [:np] [:ra 245] makes gesture with fist and elbow, see your internal brain-stores for description. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Have you checked into your room yet? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What room? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I mean mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this vibrating, leopard skin, waterbed in the shape of a guitar. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so big it crosses an international time zone. When it's three o'clock where my shirts are it's seven in the morning for my socks. [:np] [:ra 245] The cat nods smuggly and returns to his fishing. A voice off stage is then heard calling. Rimmer looks round, thinking someone is showing off. The voice says Admiral: lister and the cat continue they're disgussion. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But what about my electronic lavvy? I mean this thing comes when you call it, take your trousers down, does everything for you. It's just so stylish. [:np] [:ra 245] The voice repeats the word admiral. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who is that? Just because some hoity-toity, gonad brain, gimp knows an Admiral does he have to broadcast it? [:np] [:ra 245] The voice adds to his admiral statement adding 2 words and saying Admiral Rimmer sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Awwwww, yawn-o-rama city. We know an Admiral. Come on. [:np] [:ra 245] The owner of the voice now appears and does a Rimmer-style salute. He is in a Captains uniform and remains at salute through the following speech. [:nf] [:dv br 20 pr 100 bf 1000 sr 0 hr 0 gf 56] Admiral Rimmer sir. Field Marshall Clifton sends his compliments and wonders if you would care to join him for port and cigars. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Errr, I think there must be some mistake. I'm not an Admiral. [:np] [:ra 245] Suddenly Rimmer is an Admiral. He is now wearing a uniform with more decorations than the cistine chapel. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I love this game! Gentlemen, do excuse me. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer gets up and goes to join the Field Marshall and friends. The guide reappears with a champagne bucket which he sets down on the table. [:nd] [:dv br 0] Dom Perignon 54 sir. [:np] [:ra 245] he brings out a beer glass and puts it down [:nd] [:dv br 0] In a pint mug as requested. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Thank you my man. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister drinks the bubbly in one go, spilling a good deal of it and puts the empty glass on his head. The cat looks on. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's a good year. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] We switch scenes to the Field Marshals party. Rimmer is sat at the head of the table, smoking a cigar. Everyone is laughing good naturedly. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So I said to Hollister [_<400>] Well I can't actually remember exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the most enormously cruel and frighteningly witty put downs ever. [:np] [:ra 245] The military men look at each other for a while. But this is Better Than Life so they all burst into laughter. A young cadet comes up to Rimmer. [:nk] [:dv sx 0 bf 0 sr 70 hr 70 br 0 ap 200 hs 30 as 100] Sir, I know it's a most awful bore but, err, would you mind just signing this. [:np] [:ra 245] He produces a book and pen. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's that you little pipsqueak? [:np] We now see that the book has a colour photo of Arnie on the front in full uniform. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My Incredible Career by Admiral A. J. Rimmer. [:nk] [:dv sx 0 bf 0 sr 70 hr 70 br 0 ap 200 hs 30 as 100] I've read it eighteen times sir. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer signs the book and hands it back to the cadet. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There you go laddo. [:nk] [:dv sx 0 bf 0 sr 70 hr 70 br 0 ap 200 hs 30 as 100]Oh thank you sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer stops as behind the Field Marshall and another officer he sees his father. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Father. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 100 pr 95] [:ra 220] Son. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you doing here? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 100 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm sorry to barge in on you and your, err, officer chummies but [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 100 pr 95] [:ra 220] I just wanted to tell you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 100 pr 95] [:ra 220] I just wanted to say. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 100 pr 95] [:ra 220] I just wanted to say [_<600>] You're a total smeghead! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? This isn't my fantasy! [:np] [:ra 245] the Cat comes into view [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No, it's mine. [:np] [:ra 245] The cat steals rimmers cigar and exits. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] outside, Lister and the Cat are playing golf. Lister is dressed normally but the Cat has full golfing costume on. Lister is not playing with much style and gives the ball a whack. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yess, Hooooo. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey move over man. I want to plant my egg [:np] [:ra 245] he puts the ball down. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's called a ball. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Are you trying to tell me how to play this game? You think cats never played golf? Ok. [:np] [:ra 245] The cat takes a big swing, spins round three times and throws the golf club far into the distance. Lister dives for cover. The cat hops on one leg watching the flight of the club. We next see the pair pushing their golf bags up a hill and making car noises. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm really thirsty you know. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. [:np] [:ra 245] The guide comes into shot carrying a large drink with a firework in it. [:nd] [:dv br 0] Perhaps a banana bomb sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Thank you my man. [:np] [:ra 245] The guide lights the rocket and it shoots up out of the glass. They laugh and carry on walking. They pass a large bed on which Marilyn Monroe is lying. [:nb] Hi sugar! How about a bit of ooby dooby doo? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How's about a bit of ooby dooby don't. [:np] [:ra 245] They carry on and Marilyn throws a pillow at him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What a pest! [:np] [:ra 245] They have reached the green, a golf ball comes rolling onto it and rolls near to the hole. A golf club then comes flying onto the green as well, landing nearby. Lister and the Cat walk into view and so does Hollys monitor from the other side. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Alright? What's happening dudes? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half fish. [:np] [:ra 245] he starts licking and kissing a photograph then turns round. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's Miranda, my girlfriend. [:np] [:ra 245] As she comes out of the water we see the top half of her is a fish, the bottom half a woman. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the bottom. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No. That's a stupid way round. [:np] [:ra 245] he sticks out his tongue briefly and grins and waves. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] A heavily loaded small car drives into view down a country lane. We hear kids screaming and see Rimmer at the wheel. The car stops, it seems to be in trouble. Rimmer and a woman get out. They start arguing. We see there are several kids running around and the woman is pregnant again. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer. Rimmer! What happened to you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister. Ah this is a great game lister. I couldn't be happier. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Who are all those guys? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's McGruder. She got pregnant so this morning she made me marry her and this afternoon we had seven kids. Bliss. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where's your E type? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It was too impractical. With all the kids and everything. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer you fantasised that you had seven kids and a mortgage? [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer grabs lister and hisses at him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Help! [:np] [:ra 245] His wife, mcGrooder interjects and yells. [:nb] [:dv ap 300 hs 130] Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer is now wearing very old clothes and drinking from a bottle wrapped in a paper bag. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening to me. It just keeps fantasising horribleness. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer slides down the wall. Suddenly an official looking man appears. [:nh] [:dv ap 140] Meester reemer? [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer sounds week. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes. [:nh] [:dv ap 140] Arnold Judas reemer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes. [:np] the official smiles. [:nh] [:dv ap 140] Outland Revenue sir! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh my God! [:nh] [:dv ap 140]This is a demand for immediate payment. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Eighteen thousand? [:nh] [:dv ap 140]If you are unable to pay sir I am instructed by the Revenue to break both your legs and pull off your thumbs sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What am I going to do? I'm broke. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'll pay. I'll pay. I'll pay [:nh] [:dv ap 140][:np] [:ra 245] he looks through pockets but can't find any cash. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where's all my money gone? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh no! I just fantasised it all away. This is getting worse. Help me. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ah! don't move! A huge, black, furry, spider with big teeth just crawled up your trouser leg. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I know. I just put it there. It's the thing I'm afraid of most in the whole world, a tarantula crawling up my trousers. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, this is getting out of hand. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Do you think I don't know that. Ah! he's past my knee. He's into my boxers. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Close your eyes and wish it away. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I can't! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Concentrate man. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I can't! [:np] [:ra 245] there is A sudden change of scene via some form of reality shift. We pull back from a close up of Rimmer to find the crew buried in sand up to their necks. Even Holly is involved. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's he done now? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's going on? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten alive by killer ants. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Why? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why not? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh dear. You can't take him anywhere can you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've ruined this Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We're going to die. We're going to die and it's all my fault. [ah<400>r<400>rr<400>g<200>!] [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Suddenly we are back on Red Dwarf. Everyone removes the BTL helmets. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're a total dinglebat aren't you? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm sorry. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah we were having a great time until you came along with your diseased brain. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're a bozo. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister picks up another piece of mail and they all walk out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I can't help it, nice things just don't happen to me. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, what's that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a letter and it's for Rimmer. [:np] [:ra 245] lister opens it and reads. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Dear Sir due to a computer error you were wrongly informed that you had failed the astronavigation exam. In fact you passed with honours and you are hereby promoted to navigation officer first class. We enclose your pips and insignia. [_<400>]Smegging hell! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and the Cat look disgusted and walk off. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Who said you was a loser eh? Who said nice things never happen to you? [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer does a big salute. The door to the cupboard then opens and the taxman comes out carrying a big hammer. [:nh] [:dv ap 230] I did! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh no, we're still in the game! [:nh] [:dv ap 230] You certainly are. Now what about my eighteen grand? Come on, it's bone crunching time me old china. Now where's those little thumbies? [:np] [:ra 245] He puts Rimmers hand down on the table and gives it a big thump with the hammer. The film freezes. Final caption in big letters: g! A! M! E! Over! [_<800>] the end. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] My apologies for the late episode, I had a pc reformat and no screen reader so I had to rely on sited assistance to get this one posted. The text version may not be around for a couple days as emailing is one thing getting a sited person to use an ftp client when they can just about read is another. Thanks for your understanding.