[:ph on] [:np] [:ra 245] thanks for the memory. [_<800>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Three million miles from Earth the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive. Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate and a creature who evolved from the ships cat. Message ends [_<400>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Additional: supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years, although we have run out of Shake [ahn] Vac. [_<400>] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Additional Additional: Last week we found a planet with a breathable atmosphere. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] We see the surface of a bleak planet with a sun and stars in the background and pan across it to where there appears to be a rock concert in progress. Lister and the Cat are playing and dancing exuberantly. Lister has a guitar and the skutters are playing on keyboards. Rimmer is in a structure labelled Hologrammatic Projection Cage and seems to be enjoying it. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] We're grooving tonight, ahead groove factor five. Yeah! [:np] [:ra 245] a disco type light starts flashing under his monitor. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hang on everybody, hang on! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister stops playing and the music carries on. He goes to take a pan off the fire and turns off the music [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The sausages are done. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's the business innit? It's nice to get out once in a while, stretch your cables. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I can't [:dv pr 0] understand it. [:dv pr 95 ap 160] I've [:dv ap 130] had [:dv ap 150] so much to [:dv ap 300] drink and it [:dv ap 150]hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least bit tiddly. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh yeah? Why are you dancing then? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ha! You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better than that ? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] We'd better be going. The moons'll be setting in a bit. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Whoa Whoa! Ok then, a toast. [:np] [:ra 245] raises cup [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Gentlemen, and skutters, we are gathered here today to celebrate the anniversery of Mister Arnold Rimmer's death. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer belches an looks ill. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right on baby. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And for this very special occasion I have baked, a cake. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister uncovers the cake. It is covered in icing, with a candle in the middle. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What's that then? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's in the shape of a spanner holly [kahz] he was a technician. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well that's very apt that is. If he'd been a postman you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope I suppose? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Gordon Bennett! It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] To Rimmer! [:np] [:ra 245] he raises cup at arms length [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] To me! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer mimes drinking a glass of something and appears to get a kick from it. They all start singing. Rimmer is a bit unsure of the words, probably due to his state of inebriation. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Happy deathday to you. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Happy deathday to you. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Happy deathday dear Rimmer. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Happy [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] deathday [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] to [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] you! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Back in one of the space buggies, Lister is trying to get it moving. They're all still singing jumbled words, the jist of which seem to sound like Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I want to go to bed! [_<600>] We see them from the outside flying off into space towards Red Dwarf. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Are you sure you're alright to drive this? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. [:np] [:ra 245] he suddenly slips the bug into reverse [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oops. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I had a little drink about an hour ago to celebrate Rimmer's death. [:np] [:ra 245] they all crack up laughing. [_<800>] The crew is now back on Red Dwarf. Rimmer is sprawled out on his bunk and Lister is doing a jigsaw. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What time is it? [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer crawls unsteadily to the clock and peers at it blearily. He is clearly suffering the awful after effects of drinking. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Saturday. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is that the best you can do? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Do you know what I fancy right now? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] A big, fat, woman with thighs the size of a hippo's. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chili sauce and chutney. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer manages to sit down in a chair at last. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Me too. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well no problem then. Nothing's too good for the deathday boy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Correct! [:np] [:ra 245] he punches the air [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Hol, Hol! [:np] [:ra 245] Holly appears on screen with a nightcap on. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hol, give us something to eat. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You what? I'm jiggered man. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh come on. You don't sleep. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Course I do. I've got to off-line. I can't keep up my full tilt, full power, red hot, maximum pace all the time. I've got to take the odd breather haven't I? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I want a triple fried egg sandwich with, [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] With chili sauce and chutney. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a state of the art sarny. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. Alright, ok. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer holds up his hand and the much discussed food item appears in it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wow, trust me! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer takes a bite and a succession of expressions are seen on his face. He ends up at something like a mixture of pain, horror and shock. He may be drunk but he's still got pain receptors. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I feel like I'm having a baby! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's good innit? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe from? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't remember. I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister nods sagely. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's well naughty. The trouble is you've got to eat it before the bread dissolves. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I could never invent a sandwich like this Lister. You see all the ingredients are wrong. The fried eggs, wrong. The chutney, wrong. The chili sauce, all wrong. But put them together and somehow it works. It becomes right, it's you. This sandwich, Lister, is you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you saying to me Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're wrong right, all your ingredients are wrong. You're slobby. You've got no sense of discipline. You're the only man ever to get his money back from the Odour Eater people. But people like you, don't you see? That's why you're a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich. Now me, now me. All the ingredients are right. I'm disciplined. I'm organised. I'm dedicated to my career. I've always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one. Why? Why is that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I suppose it's because you are a total smeghead. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But I'm not. I'm a nice guy, I'm a goodie. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No Rimmer see the trouble is you've never got time for people. You're too busy trying to be successful. It's all midnight revision and up, up, up the ziggurat lickety spit [:np] [:ra 245] he salutes in a silly way. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I have got time for people. What about all the time I spent licking up to Todhunter even though he was a total gimp? And Captain Hollister? mister fat bastard 20 44. I went out of my way to simp around him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer that's not having time for people. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Do you know how many times in my entire life I made love? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, and I don't want to know. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I want to tell you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [:ra 260] I don't want to know. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:ra 240] No, but I want to tell you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [:ra 265] No, I don't want to know. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:ra 250] I want to tell you, I'm going, I am going to tell you, I want to tell you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen, listen Rimmer. If you tell me, right, you'll wake up in the morning. You'll have your hang-over and you'll feel like death and you'll walk up to the mirror and you'll look in the mirror and you'll remember and you'll go Ahahahahah! [:np] [:ra 245] he sticks his fist in his mouth. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] See it's not worth it, I don't want to know and believe me you don't want to tell me. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer holds up one finger. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Once. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Smeg! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] One time only. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister covers his ears. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't tell me this Rimmer. You'll want to kill yourself in the morning. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yvonne McGruder. A single, brief, liason with the ship's female boxing champion. March the sixteenth. Seven thirty one PM to seven forty three PM. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Please. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Twelve minutes [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Please! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Please Rimmer! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] In my entire life I have spent more time being sick. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So, I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:dv pr 1000 hr 1000 sr 1000 bf 1000] No, I haven't Lister, I haven't met the right girl and some just might say given the fact that the human race no longer exists, coupled with the fact that I have passed on, some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit on the late side. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer was wagging his finger anoyingly in listers face as he spoke: he stops. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well you made a decision didn't you? I mean you chose your career over your personal life. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes I did, I did didn't I? Pearls of wisdom there from mister fried egg, chili, chutney, sandwich face. Well I'll tell you something Lister, I'll tell you something. I'd trade it all in, all of it. My pips, my long service medals, my swimming certificates, my telescope, my shoe trees. I'd trade everything in to be loved and to have been loved. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is still fiddling with the jigsaw but it's obvious that Rimmer's speech has touched a chord. Rimmer begins to sing. [_<400>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [ay<200,29>max<200>lih<200>~t~ll<200>lae<400>m] [_<400>] [lao<200,17>stih<200,19>ndhah<200,20>wuh<800,21>d] [_<400>] [mey<200,27>biy<200>ay<200>kuh<400>d] [_<400>] [riy<200,20>liy<200>biy<200,19>guh<800,17>d] [_<400>] [wih<200,22>dhsax<200,25>mwax<200>n<400>] [_<400>] [tuw<200,31>wao<200>chow<200,29>vrr<200,27>miy<1200,25>] [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer goes and lies down on his bunk. Lister watches him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That was going to be our song. But I never found anyone to share it with. So now it's just my song. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister fiddles with the puzzel. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Another bit of sky, that's a star. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer starts making high pitched crying type noises, Lister gets up and leaves. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is asleep in the top bunk. We descend to see Arnie, in his home sweet home pyjamas, wake up. Rimmer gets up and starts doing his exercises to music provided by himself. Suddenly memories of the previous night come flooding back. He sees a picture of him drinking and carries on. He sees himself eating the sandwich and shrugs. He then remembers telling Lister, he stops, raises one finger and sticks his fist in his mouth. He sits back down on the bunk with an anguished look. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah, me foot! I must have gone to sleep on it. Oooh! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer leaps to his feat! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Gah! you were really putting it away last night Lister. You really fell for my joke didn't you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh God, it's agony. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah that McGruder gag, fancy falling for that eh? [_<700>] I'll give you my telescope, anything. Please God don't tell anyone. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister groans and pulls away the blanket. He discovers that his foot is in plaster. They both look shocked. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Have you done that? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] When did you do that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I didn't! I just went to bed and I've woken up with this. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] When did you finish the jigsaw? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I didn't. [:np] [:ra 245] Holly comes on screen looking a bit cross. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] [oy!] Whose been messing with my star charts! Here I am trying to do the comprehensive, nay definitive, [ey] to z of the entire universe with street names, post offices and little steeples and everything and some [gihts] been fiddling with it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's not us! [:np] [:ra 245] The Cat storms in. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ok, which one of you chimpanzees did this? [:np] [:ra 245] Cat puts a foot on the table and points at it. It is also in plaster. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Look there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything. With the possible exception of little Jimmy Osmond. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hang on, today's Sunday right? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, this clock, this clock says Thursday and that clock says Thursday. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] And my foot says get the person who did this to my foot. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister flips through a book. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Four pages have been torn out of my diary. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer snaps his fingers and points around the room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Somehow we've lost the last four days. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly always there. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Aliens! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What are you talking about grease stain? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory and put you back. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ok, aliens came aboard. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Without question. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They broke my leg. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] For some reason. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] They broke MY leg. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And then they did a jigsaw. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well that's cleared that up then. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are, alien. They do alien things, things that are [:np] [:ra 245] shrugs [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] By breaking legs? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And doing jigsaws? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ok professor, what does it mean? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Maybe, maybe, ok. Breaking your leg hurts like hell ok? Hell. They do it below the knee, low. Hell-low, get it?. They do it twice, twice, two. Hell-Low-Two. And jigsaw must mean you. Hello to you. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech! [:np] [:ra 245] the cat limps painfully out the door. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hang on, the black box. Holly the black box will have recorded everything won't it? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah, hang on I'll fish it out. [:np] [:ra 245] his image disappears briefly and reappears [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's gone! It's been half inched. Wait a minute let me think about this. It gives off a signal. We can trace it. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] A space buggy is making a very un-space buggy type noise. inside are Rimmer, Lister and the Cat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's the gearbox man. I'm telling you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nothing yet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This is impossible, it could be anywhere. It's like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look! Down there on that moon. [:np] [:ra 245] They stare at the screen and we draw in closer to a bleak landscape. We see Lister and the Cat walking on it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Are you getting a picture now? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yeah but the quality's terrible. It's like watching Spanish television. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh my God! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What the hell is that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Smegorama! Err Holly, errm start the engines, warm her up. Keep her ticking over yeah? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Err what is it? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a footprint the size of a surfboard. [:np] [:ra 245] the cat measures out the footprint. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I don't believe the size of these feet. Can you imagine the problems this guy must have trying to get fashionable shoes? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I wonder if it's true what they say about the size of your feet? I mean, if it is this guy could probably go to a fancy dress party as a petrol pump. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I think you should come back. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's more of them. They lead round this corner. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So a surfboard foot size monster came aboard, did a jigsaw, drained our memories and broke a couple of legs. So what, forgive and forget is what I say. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This I don't believe! It's a gravestone. To the memory, [:np] [:ra 245] he's trying to make it out: he struggles but can read it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] To the memory of Lise Yates. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who's Lise Yates? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're not going to believe this but I used to go out with a girl called Lise Yates. It's only shallow, the black box is buried in the grave. [:np] [:ra 245] he picks it up. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Back in the buggy they open the box and remove the recording. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Right, it's loaded. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well play it sam. [:np] [:ra 245] The words Black Box Recording, Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red Dwarf come on screen followed by Holly. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Nice looking bloke. [:np] [:ra 245] On the tape now, holly speaks. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I don't know whether anyone will ever find this. But if they do and it's you Dave, or you Arnold, don't ever play it. Some things are best left buried. [:np] [:ra 245] The holly watching with lister, rimmer and the cat freezes the holly on the screen. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why have you frozen him Hol? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You heard what he said. Knows what he's talking about that dude. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on Hol, from Saturday night. [:np] [:ra 245] Holly plays the recording and Rimmer appears telling Lister how many times in his life he's made love. The Cat looks interested. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, well we all remember this bit. Spin on, spin on, spin on! [:np] [:ra 245] The recording goes into fast forward. The Cat is disappointed. He signals to Lister behind Rimmer's back. Silently, he asks: [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How many? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister points toward rimmer unnoticed and responds without making a sound. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Him? [:np] [:ra 245] Silently: [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yes! [:np] [:ra 245] silently: [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] no, no. [:np] [:ra 245] The Cat makes a Tell me! kind of gesture. Lister laughs and holds up one finger. So does the Cat and points at Rimmer who is oblivious of the whole thing, he's staring at the screen. [:np] [:ra 245] The cat asks silently: [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Him. [:np] [:ra 245] Very very loudly: [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That Many? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and the Cat look busy with the controls as Rimmer turns to glare at them. The recording has reached the point where Rimmer is making sad noises, just after his singing and on screen we see Lister leave. We are now in flashback mode. The flashing word REPLAY appears at the top right of the screen. We see Lister walking down a corridor towards camera with the Cat who has a hair-net on. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This better be good. I was sleeping and sleeping's my third favourite thing and you come and wake me up this time of night. [:np] [:ra 245] They walk into a square room with wall to wall monitors, on which various pictures of Arnie can be seen. A sign on the door reads No unauthorised entry. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is this place? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's the hologram simulation suite. This is the room that creates Rimmer. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Have we come to blow this room up? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look those are his dreams and everything there [:np] [:ra 245] he fiddles with controls [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look that's what he's dreaming right at the moment. [:np] [:ra 245] We see Rimmer in a top hat and dinner jacket carrying a cane and singing the song he sang earlier. We pull back to see he has no trousers on. The watchers laugh. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to give Rimmer the best present he will ever get. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister takes off his hat and puts on a helmet connected to the console by a wire. He starts typing at the console and sees the word LOADING come up on the screen. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What are you doing with that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm recording my memory. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Your entire memory? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, everything. Everywhere I've been, everything I've learnt, my entire knowledge. [:np] [:ra 245] the words LOADING COMPLETE come up almost instantly [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Right, that's it [:np] [:ra 245] he takes off the helmet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to give Rimmer a love affair. I'm going to take eight months out of my memory and I'm going to paste it into his. So everything that's happened to me he's going to think happened to him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You're going to give him one of your old girlfriends? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to give him Lise Yates. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister presses more keys and they stare at the screen. Lister covers the Cat's eyes but he takes the hand away. A rather pretty woman is on screen running and laughing. She dives to the ground. [:nu] God I love you Dave, I love you so much. [:np] [:ra 245] on the memory recording; [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And I love you Lise. [:np] [:ra 245] in the simulation sweet: [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A few minor adjustments [:np] [:ra 245] presses some keys and the scene replays. [:nu] God I love you Rimmer, I love you so much. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] (And I love you Lise. [:np] [:ra 245] in the sweet again: [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Change the voice [:np] [:ra 245] presses more keys and we see it again. [:nb] God I love you Rimmer, I love you so much. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] (And I love you Lise. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And that's it. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] And when he wakes up he'll think all this happened to him? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, the whole eight months. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Man that's a fine present [:np] [:ra 245] Lister nods. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He was probably only expecting a tie. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister keeps keying, we see Rimmer asleep and enter his dreams via a heart shaped zoom. He is walking with Lise, drinking from a beer can and smoking. He looks a real slob. Rimmer wakes, looking happy. He goes to sleep again. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Some time later Lister hears music, jumps in the air and clicks his heels. He walks into the room to see Rimmer dancing to the music. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're in a good mood. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why not Listy? When life's so good [:np] [:ra 245] He makes A-OK sign and snaps his fingers. Rimmer seems to have changed somehow. He seems more normal and less like the Rimmer we all know. For one thing his shirt is crumpled and unbuttoned. He seems relaxed and confident. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why is life so good? [:np] [:ra 245] he opens a beer. rimmer lies on his bunk. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You wouldn't understand Lister, you've never been in love. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I have! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, not real love Lister, not like I have. Not fireworks in the sky, from here to eternity, rolling naked on the beach kind of love. Not like me and Lise. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So who's Lise? [:np] [:ra 245] he smiles to himself [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Never you mind Lister. Someone who was absolutely nuts about me, that's all you need to know. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fine, if you want to keep it to yourself. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All I'm saying is, from now on call me Tiger. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] An old girlfriend was she? Tiger. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer gets up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What a crazy, crazy, year that was. The first three months I was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance course. Then for absolutely no reason I suddenly moved to Liverpool. I drank too much, I smoked too much, I became a total slob. I met Lise, of course. I even started to eat my own toenail clippings. [:np] [:ra 245] Behind him Lister is doing this as he speaks. He doesn't notice. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My tastes in music radically changed. I stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rastabilly Skank. Crazy! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, you know, you were in love. You go a bit crazy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her but yet I started to treat her really badly. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No you didn't! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I did! I started to give her some wishy washy twaddle about not wanting to get tied down. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But you were young! You didn't want to settle down. You wanted to bum around and have a laugh. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But I hate bumming around and having a laugh. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But that's what you're like when you're young. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But I wasn't like that when I was young so why did I say those things? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But, I mean, she wanted you to have a career. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister obviously detests that last word. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's what I'd always dreamt of so why did I finish it with her? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Because, you wanted to play the field. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's right I told her I wanted to play the field. I told her that. I must have been mad. She was great and she thought I was great. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister has a strange look on his face. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah man you're right. You were mad. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] She was a lover and a friend. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And beautiful. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Gorgeous. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Great sense of humour. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Terrific. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The sex was fantastic. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Amazing sex. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Brilliant sex. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh primo dynamite sex! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fantastic sex, stupendous sex! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The way she used to Oh [_<250>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh sex, brilliant sex. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, Lister, how do you know? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm just having a guess? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Back in the buggy, we come out of flashback. The crew are watching the recording. it continues the only difference being that the real crew are there two watching rather than not being there as they just weren't. reality indicates off-tape. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kindly don't. No one will ever know how beautiful the relationship between me and Lise Yates was. [:np] [:ra 245] reality: [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How could you do this to me? It's the most heart breakingly tragic thing it's ever been my misfortune to witness. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Pop-corn? [:np] [:ra 245] offers it to Rimmer who declines, Lister takes some [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, I'm sorry man. I mean obviously I thought I was doing you a favour. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What's all this got to do with jigsaws, broken legs and Godzilla size footprints eh? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister shakes his head. We go into flashback again. The word REPLAY appears on screen as it did last time. On the recording we see Rimmer striding angrily down a corridor punching the air. He walks into the room where Lister is again working on the jigsaw. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right, smeg brain, prepare to die! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Eh? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I found the letters. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What letters? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Don't give me What letters? [_<400>] the letters. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What letters? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You went out with Lise Yates too, I found the letters she sent you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh smeg! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All the time she was going out with me she must have been seeing you as well, behind my back. And what is more, to pour salt into the [wuwnd,] you used to take her to the exact same places I used to take her and do the exact same things. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, it's not what it looks like. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That woman is unbelievable. We spent a night in a hotel in Southport and made love six times. According to her letter you were in the exact same hotel and you made love six times too. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Twelve times a night? What is wrong with the woman? She's sex mad! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's a good job you were there. If I'd been on my own I'd have been dead within a week. But it doesn't make sense, I mean, she loved me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen, listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the same time. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Come on, I've checked the dates. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] She wasn't going out with you at all. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] She [_<600>] She didn't go out with me at all? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, you've never even met her. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is that the best you can do Lister? That's below feeble. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I went down to the hologram simulation suite and I gave you eight months of my memory. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It was a present. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You gave me eight months of your memory, as a present? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive. That's why I had my appendix out, twice. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I thought it was what you needed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You've destroyed me Lister. The woman I loved most in the whole world didn't love me, she loved you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, listen. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer leaves silently [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, listen, Rimmer! Oh Smeg! [:np] [:ra 245] he goes to sit down at the jigsaw looking upset [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You should have bought him a tie. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer is standing alone in the observation dome, staring into space. Lister climbs the stairs to join him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on Rimmer, you've experienced love. It made you more confident, more secure. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It didn't happen. I never even met her. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It did happen. I mean you fell in love with her in a way I never did. She's yours now and nothing can take her away from you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That time she stuck her tongue down my ear. It wasn't my ear at all it was your ear. The woman I loved most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear. The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a Johnson's baby bud. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, as far as you're concerned you had a love affair, right, which was wonderful, yeah? And for some reason that you can't understand it all went hideously wrong. Well so what, join the club bucko. It's just you me and everybody else in the world. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't want to feel like this any more. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So, so you're in pain yeah? I know but Rimmer, if you go through life without feeling, if you go through life never experiencing, you're no better than a jellyfish. No better than a bank manager. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't want this feeling any more. I want my own memory back. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ok, Ok, Ok. I'll erase the last four days. The incident will never have happened. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But you'll know about it! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well I'll erase my memory from Sunday too. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And the Cat's and Holly's. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fine, if they agree. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And what about the black box. [:np] [:ra 245] lister sighs. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'll destroy it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's indestructible. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ok I'll shoot it off into space. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Someone might find it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ok, ok. We'll bury it. We'll bury it on some planet yeah? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The same bleak landscape as before appears before us. We see the black box buried in its shallow grave. Rimmer is watching as Lister and the Cat carry a large slab. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to drop it, I'm going to drop it! Put it down man, put it down! [:np] [:ra 245] they drop the stone heavily [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Why does he want a grave stone? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He said he just wanted something somewhere. So it didn't, like, disappear. [:np] [:ra 245] They pick up the stone again and carry it on a bit. The crater it left behind looks rather like a footprint. After a short time they drop it again and this time it lands on their feet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Aaaagggghh! My foot! I've broken my foot! It's broken! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Help me find my toes. [:np] [:ra 245] The buggy is on screen again, jetting back to Red Dwarf. We are still in flashback. Rimmer is lying on the bunk. Lister and the Cat enter. Lister looks tired. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ok, that's it. [:np] [:ra 245] he picks up his diary and tears out some pages [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let's go and erase our memories. [:np] [:ra 245] They all troop out, or limp out in some cases. Lister stops and puts the final piece into the jigsaw. The picture is of Red Dwarf in space. We zoom into it. [_<800>] The end.