[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 270] Red Dwarf three [_<1200>] The Saga Continues! [_<1200>] The Story So Far: [_<400>] Three million years in the future, Dave Lister, the last human being alive, discovers he is pregnant after a liaison with his female self in a parallel universe. His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Bexley. However, because they were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffer from highly accelerated growth rates and are eighteen years old within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister returns them to their universe of origin, where they are reunited with their father (a woman), and able to lead comparatively normal lives. Well, as normal as you can get if you've been born in a parallel universe and your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen years three days after your birth. Shortly afterwards, Kryten, the service mechanoid who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed vessel, the Nova 5, is found in pieces after his space bike crashed into an asteroid. Lister rebuilds the noid, but is unable to recapture his former personality. Meanwhile, Holly, the increasingly erratic Red Dwarf computer, performs a head sex change operation on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, a female computer with whom he had once fallen madly in love. And the saga continuums! [_<400>] Red Dwarf three [_<400>] The Same Generation [_<400>] nearly! [_<600>] Backwards. [_<1200>] Lister's Quarters. Cat And Lister are lying on bunks in a darkened room, watching television. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Cat? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [m<600>?]? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30][yxax] ever see the Flintstones? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Sure! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30][daxyxax] think Wilma's sexy? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wilma Flintstone? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I see that sharmi body, it drives me crazy. Is it me? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman that ever lived. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]That's good. I thought I was [`g`owihn] strange. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] She's incredible! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]What [daxyxax] think of Betty? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Betty Rubble? [_<400] Well, I would go with Betty [_<350>] but I'd be thinking of Wilma. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]She'll never leave Fred, and we know it. [:np] [:ra 245] Cat shakes his head in resignation. [_<1200>] the Cargo Bay. Kryten is in front of the Starbug 1, making odd gestures in the air, he is pretending to drive. Rimmer walks up, wearing a dark green uniform and a flat-topped cap with an antenna sticking up over one ear. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, clipboard and pen, please. [:np] [:ra 245] they appear in his hands. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, Krietie, today's the day! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But sir, I'm just not ready! Six weeks, it's just not long enough! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer looks at his watch. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ten thirty. Name? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You know my name! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, if this comes off it'll be a whole new lease of life for both of us. We'll be independent! But we've got to do it by the book. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's just that when you go into official mode, my anxiety chip goes into overdrive! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Name? [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten is obviously nervous and stutters. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [krkr`krkr`krkkrkrkrkrkrkray<50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll just put "Kryten". [:np] [:ra 245] he points to starbug. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Can you see that space vehicle? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Where? Oh, that one. Yes, sir! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And can you read the registration for me please? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Starbug 1? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right, if you'd like to show me to your vehicle, please? [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer and Kryten enter starbug, kryten in the pilots seat. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right, in your own time, if you'd like to start the space vehicle, proceed through the cargo bay doors and off into outer space. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten flips several switches. The windshield wipers come on for a second, unseen by Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet. Once there I want you to bring the vehicle to a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit, remembering of course at all times to pay due care and attention to any other space users. Right, in your own time... [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten taps a few buttons and pulls a lever. Rimmer is ejected through the roof and outside the ship. [_<400>] Kryten waits nervously inside Starbug. Rimmer returns, and calmly sits back down. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] In your own time. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I've failed, haven't I? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just proceed. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You're going to hold it against me, aren't you? That one mistake. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Please. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Antigrav, check. Retro, check. Boosters, check. And very gently ease forward... [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten pulls a lever and they shoot out of the cargo bay doors, hitting one on the way. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I think there's something wrong with the gearbox. The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2. I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] They're exactly the same. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes. That's the problem. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug fires rockets and turns a corner. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Next, I'd like you to transfer to auto-pilot while we conduct the recognition... [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten pulls a lever which makes a horrible [:np] [:ra 245] [grr<800,111>] [:np] [:ra 245] noise. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [_<300>] tests. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Engage auto-pilot. [:np] [:ra 245] Holly, sex change fermly in place, appears on the monitor. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] auto-pilot engaged. Well, I say "auto-pilot", but it's not really auto-pilot, is it? It's me. It's Muggins [iyr] who has to do it. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer shows Kryten a booklet with a picture of a blue rectangle with two white arrows pointing up and one pointing down. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right, what's that one? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Heavy traffic, keep to your assigned space lanes. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer flips the page to a black drawing on a white background of a naked, faceless woman dancing. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And that one? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Danger! Space mirages ahead! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Stopping distances. You're traveling half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Four years, three months. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And the thinking time? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A fortnight. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Space Phenomena. What's that? [:np] [:ra 245] pointing to the book [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A pulsar! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And that one? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A binary star! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's that one? [:np] [:ra 245] Holly's looking out the window. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] A Time Hole! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Don't help him! [:np] [:ra 245] kryten joins in the window gazing. Rimmer is totally oblivious. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a Time Hole! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, it isn't! It's nothing like a Time Hole! [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] IT'S a TIME HOLE! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] IT IS! IT'S A TIME HOLE! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] A Time Hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports us into another part of space and time. Whereas [`dhaet`] [:np] [:ra 245] pointing to the book [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova! [`dhaet`] [:np] [:ra 245] pointing out the window and seemingly noticing it for the first time [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] is a Time Hole! Right, what's this? [:np] [:ra 245] not before time rimmer realises what's going on just as starbug is sucked into the time hole. [_<1200>] Earth. Starbug crashes into a pond. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I suppose you're going to fail me for this. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer and Kryten get in a boat and go to the shore of the pond. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What is this place? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly? Is it possible? Could this be Earth? [:np] [:ra 245] Holly, deprived of a wall screen, appears in the smaller one in Kryten's chest. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Certainly seems that way. Constellations match, gravity exactly 1 g. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's the time period? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all the available data, I would estimate it's round about [_<400>] lunchtime, maybe half-one. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What period in HISTORY, dingleberry-breath? I mean can we expect to see Ghengis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill? Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure? What is the year? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Like? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, this year's calendar'd be andy! [_<400>] [:np] [:ra 245] they set off through a field. Kryten is gazing around at things like trees and seemingly enjoying himself. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I've never been to Earth before, I've only seen it on photographs. It's exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer shakes his head, and continues walking. the group come across a stone mile marker by the side of a road. There is a cardboard box lying in the middle of the road. Rimmer reads the marker. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] "Nodnol? 871 selim?" Nodnol? Where's Nodnol? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's London, 178 miles. It's backwards. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [sh<400>!_<200>], a truck. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's probably going to hit that box. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer stands beside the road with his thumb out, his back to the truck, which is approaching backwards. The box lying on the road spins around and lifts itself into the open back of the truck. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. [:np] [:ra 245] the truck-driver speaks to them. [:nf] [:dv br 0 ap 100] [tihfl ax tnaow uwyx fih nawt, uwtnih nxih owg may?] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Then again, possibly not. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] London. all the cars are driving backwards. WE don't see rimmer and the gang but we hear them. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, what the smeg is going on? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We're going backwards. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] It's perfectly consistent with current theory. Everything starts with a Big Bang, right? And the universe starts expanding. Eventually, when it's expanded as far as it can, there's a big crunch, right? And everything starts contracting. Perfectly possible that time starts running in the opposite direction, as well. [:np] [:ra 245] During all this, rimmer and Kryten are walking forwards in a crowd walking backwards. because of the way time runs we see change leaping into people's hands from a busker's guitar case, a man sucking smoke from the air and putting it back into a cigarette, and a waist-down shot of a couple walking backwards. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So is this Earth? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Oh, it's Earth allright, only Earth where time's going backwards. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer is sitting alone at a table in a cafe, attempting to cover the "H" on his forhead with his forelock. He glances over his shoulder at a woman at the next table. A waitress comes up to the woman's table and gives her some dirty dishes. The waitress and the woman say a few lines in backwards speech to each other, and the woman says something to Rimmer. Rimmer waves at the woman, who is now chewing a very large mouthful of food. Tea starts to stream up the woman's chin towards her mouth. She lifts the cup to her mouth and fills the entire cup at one go. The half eaten end of an eclair jumps from the plate into her hand, and she replaces the rest of it out of her mouth in two huge bites. She puts the eclair back on the plate and stirs her tea. A spoonful of sugar comes out of the tea and the woman replaces it in the sugar bowl. She speaks to rimmer. [:nb] [`saxshihihlihd `rr `ziydh!] [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer replies to this stream of backwards speech with a hearty [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Flobba-dob blib blob bleeb. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten enters carrying a newspaper and wearing a long, hooded black cape and a Ronald Reagan rubber mask. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you doing? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, you said look inconspicuous. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Don't be idiotic!!! [:np] [:ra 245] kryten removes his mask [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But if people see my face, what are they going to think? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tell them you had an accident. Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out! [:np] [:ra 245] A waitress comes and empties a box of rubbish onto the table and says [:nu] [aw'n t`ih t`ihz] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I got a newspaper. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten holds up the newspaper. The headline reads "DAIR KNAB NI EFIL Ot THGUORB EERHT." The paper's name is "Yadretsey." [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's the year, thirty nine ninety one? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No, it's 1993! it's backwards. I'll switch to reverse mode. [:np] [:ra 245] he begins reading from the paper [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] "Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawed-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a South London bank tomorrow. The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept 10000 pounds, which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults. The man, Michael Ellis, completed a fifteen year prison sentence for the crime two years ago." [:np] [:ra 245] The waitress returns and places a plate of half eaten food in front of Kryten. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What does that say? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, it's an advert. "Roll-off deodorant. Keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours." What are we going to do? This place is totally crazy! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There's nothing we CAN do until the others find us. We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an [aendroyd] with a head shaped like a novelty condom? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Here's the jobs page. This looks interesting. "Wanted: Managing director, I C I. Excellent demotion prospects, right candidate could go straight to the bottom!" [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Something a bit more low-key. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Uh[_<400>] "Busy London restaurant requires dish dirtier." ? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Anything else? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, this looks interesting. "Theatrical agent requires novelty acts." [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What do we do that's a novelty? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] In this world, everything! [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245]: meanwhile, back in the real world, Lister and Cat are in Starbug two's cockpit. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Three weeks we been [d`uwihn<50>] this. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Well, we'll do it til we find them. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We ain't gonna find [axm]. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side! [_<300>] They're GONE, buddy! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Don't you care about anyone but yourself? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hell no! I don't even care about you. The way I see it, if Goalpost-head and Freak-face want to get themselves lost, that's their bag! I don't see why it should cut into my preening time. You realize with all this rescue stuff I haven't permed my leg hairs in a week? I'm a wreck! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]You PERM your leg hairs? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Only as an aid to the natural curl. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister sees something out the window. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Fasten your belt. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, I do NOT need fashion tips from YOU. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]SAFETY belt! Look! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Is that what I think it is? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]What [daxyxuw] think it is? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] An orange whirly thing in space! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]It's a time hole. That's where they are. We're going in. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Are you crazy? You can't go in there! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Why not? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Orange? With this suit? [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug coasts through the time-hole, much to cats dismay. [_<1200>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Where are we? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't believe this. According to the NaviComp--this is Earth! Engage cloak. I'm taykin her down. [:np] [:ra 245] The now-invisible Starbug lands in a field. Lister steps through the door and appears to be standing in midair about ten feet up. Cat also exits and stands behind Lister in the invisible staircase. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] wod you do that for? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Well, we don't want to spook the natives. [:np] [:ra 245] cat bangs on the invisible starbug like a kid with a new toy at christmas. He notices lister wince in pain and check his ribs with a hand. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] what's the matter? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]I dunno, I think me ribs are cracked. And me back! Is my eye bruised? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah, it is! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister pulls a high-tech gizmo (although probably with instructions for dumbies) from his pocket. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]It's a [hxowmihn] device. it'll find their flight recorder. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister taps it to get it to work. It goes [:tone<500,100>] [:tone<1000,100>] [:tone<1500,100>] [:tone<5000,50>] He points in the direction it indicates. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Yonder. [:np] [:ra 245] Cat heads off in that direction. Lister speaks to himself. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]I'm home! [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] cat is standing by a pond, the same pond Kryten and Rimmer crashed in. Lister's head comes up from the water in the middle of the pond, still wearing his cap. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You find anything? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Well, the Bug's there, but they're not. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister wades up to shore, still clad in his leather jacket. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You're dry! [:np] [:ra 245] A befuddled Lister examines his clothes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]That's weird! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Let's take a look around. Maybe they left us a clue or something. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] there are many posters of the "Srehtorb Esrever Lanoitasnes Eht", featuring Rimmer's and Kryten's faces, wearing goofy grins and silly bowlers. Lister and Cat appear, walking side by side, examining a poster they have taken down. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's this? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]I dunno, but they must have left this to tell us where they'll be. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's it say? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I dunno, it's in some weird foreign language or somethin. "Srehtorb"? that must be Polish or Bulgarian or somethin. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You speak Bulgarian? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Bulgarian? Please, I hardly speak English. [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] eventually, Cat and Lister come upon the same mile marker Rimmer and Kryten got picked up at. Cat points to the marker. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's this? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Nodnol? Hang on, wait a minute! Nodnol! Nod. Nol. It's in Bulgaria, isn't it! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Are you sure? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Geography was my number one subject at school. Nodnol, Bulgaria: rich in animal produce and mineral wealth, just south of Bosnia. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's the selim? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Well, that's obviously Bulgarian for kilometers, isn't it? [:np] [:ra 245] with no sign of sarcasm and seemingly perfect senserity, the cat says [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You're so smart, I'm glad I came with you! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Well, we are the smart party! [:np] [:ra 245] pleased with themselves, They head off down the road, doing a weird little rap & dance, with Cat as the beatbox. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [ay<200,13>dih<200,8>daxnt kax<200>mhxiyr, luh<200,13>kihn for trax<300,17>bl<400,19>>] [_<200>] [ay<200,20> jhax<200,17>stkey<200,13>mtax<200>duw dhah reh<200,20>d dwor<200,17>f shah<200,15> fl<400,13>] [_<200>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [hxiy<200,8>z smar<200,10>r<200,12>r<200,13>t<800,13>] [_<400>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Let's find some transport. [:np] [:ra 245] lister and cat find a young couple, on a picnic, taking a nap. so they steal their tandem bike. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Let's go! Go! Cmon! [:np] [:ra 245] The man wakes up and notices them. He says something in backwards speech that is captioned: [:nf] [:dv br 30 pr 100 ap 110 hs 10 hr 100] [:ra 250] You scoundrels! Return my bike immediately! [:np] [:ra 245] the text actually translates as. [:nf] [:dv br 30 pr 100 ap 110 hs 10 hr 100] [:ra 250] [oy!] hey! [oy<600>!] you robbing bastards! that's our tandem! [_<300>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Bye suckers! You lost your bike! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Start pedaling, man, start pedaling! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Cat get on the bike and start pedaling, but the bike goes backwards. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's happening here? Get this thing in forward gear! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]It IS in forward gear! [:np] [:ra 245] They pass right by the couple they stole the bike from. They pedal down the road a way, looking over their shoulders. Eventually they come upon a white van parked by the side of the road. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Stop! Stop! [:np] [:ra 245] They stop and get off. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No more! I'm not moving another yard on this thing! I'm gettin a part in the back of my head! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]It's these cheap Bulgarian bikes! You probably have to queue up for a year to get this piece of crap! You probably have to be a government official to get one that goes forwards! [:np] [:ra 245] The driver of the van returns from the bushes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Yo, mayty! Excuse me! Excuse me? [:np] [:ra 245] the driver looks blank. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]No, I don't speak any Bulgarian! you speak English? [:np] [:ra 245] the driver speaks and this time an accurate caption reads, Sorry, I'm English. are you Bulgarians? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]We're [luhkihn] for our friend. erm. frendski? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Our budski? Pallski? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]This addresski here-ski? Can you, erm. drop us offski? [:np] [:ra 245] another caption reads: Yes, I know this pub. Hop in. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Rock [axn] Roll!! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Thankski ver-ski muchski budski! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat and Lister get in the back of the van, forwards. The driver gets in the front, backwards. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, hey, hey, we're moovin in the right direction now! [:np] [:ra 245] The van drives off. [_<400>] backwards. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] We hear a dog barking backwards and see the exterior shot of a street at night. Cat and Lister are walking down a dingy staircase to a pub. They see a poster of Rimmer and Kryten. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]This is the place. Ay, me back, it's like it's been cut to ribbons! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan. [:np] [:ra 245] inside the pub there's an unattractive man in a shiny lime green suit on a small stage. He gives a little backwards speech (which is accurately captioned.) : Take your hands apart and give a big, warm goodbye to the Sensational Reverse Brothers! There is a lot of backwards clapping. Lister and Cat come in and stand in the back at the bar. Kryten and Rimmer shuffle on stage, doffing their hats (like vaudeville acts used to do). They are both wearing the same ridiculous get-up: shiny pink and black pinstriped pants, pink sequined jackets with shiny black lapels, frilly pink shirts, pink bow ties, and hot pink bowler hats. Rimmer puts on an odd voice, unusually nasal and with more haiches than are strictly called for.) [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] hladies and hgentlemen, alii-yoh, alli-yoh, alli-yoh! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Welcome to the show! [:np] [:ra 245] The crowd, seated at tables in the pub, laughs uproariously. Lister talks to the cat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]"Welcome to the show?" What's the joke? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] For our first trick tonight, ladies and gentlemen, my partner Kryten will attempt to eat, [_<400>] hay boiled egg...forwards! [:np] [:ra 245] The crowd gasps in amazement. Kryten eats a bite of a boiled egg. The crowd gets a big kick out of it. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This is entertainment to these people? It's pathetic! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]They're Bulgarian. they have very simple tastes. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten throws something to a man in the crowd, who catches it. The man is utterly amazed. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I have it: it's a moron convention! Check the coatroom! if there are twenty jackets, all white, with arms that tie behind the neck, you know I'm right! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Hand what better way to round off a meal, ladies and gentlemen, than by drinking a glass of water! Kryten! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Woah, stick around! They're building up to a big climax! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten drinks a glass of water and holds it upside down. The crowd claps. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We are the Sensational Reverse Brothers, ladies and gentlemen, we shall see you last night! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer and Kryten do the same little shuffle dance off-stage. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Let's get a drink and go backstage. Hello? Excuse me? Can I have two pints of bitter, please? [:np] [:ra 245] The barmaid doesn't understand. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Bitter, two pints! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister holds up two fingers. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] She can't understand you, bud, you're wasting your time. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister asks a man sitting at the bar: [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Yo, mayty, what's that you're drinkin there? [:np] [:ra 245] He mimes drinking with a beer mug [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yo, drinkski? Beerski? [:np] [:ra 245] the man says "erskib" which is captioned "bitter". [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Ah, Erskib! Two pints of erskib, please. [:nu] Erskib? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Two. [:np] [:ra 245] He holds up two fingers. The barmaid turns away to prepare their order. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Was that difficult? No, we're the smart party! [:np] [:ra 245] He and Cat do a self-congratulatory hand thing. The barmaid hands them two empty mugs and presses some change into Lister's hand. The confused Lister and Cat look around to try and figure out what is going on. They see the man they just spoke to fill his mug with beer from his mouth. He tells the barmaid "Same again" (according to the caption). She takes the full mug away and uses the tap to suck the beer out of the mug. She then gives the man back the empty mug. realization finally dawns on Lister. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]This isn't Bulgaria! Look at that menu! Unem! It's English, but backwards. everything's backwards! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Everything's backwards? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Yeah! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Right! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Well, you know what they say, when in Rome, do as the Snamor do! Up the hatch! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Booties down! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat and Lister fill up their mugs at one go, with rather a lot of it streaming up Lister's chin rather than coming from his mouth. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] Cat and Lister are sitting with Rimmer and Kryten in their dressing room backstage. Rimmer and Kryten have changed out of their ridiculous pink stage costumes. Rimmer is wearing a pretentious-looking smoking jacket and ascot, while Kryten is wearing a white terry-cloth bathrobe. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]What do you mean you don't want to leave? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We're happy here! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We've found a niche! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We're the "Sensational Reverse Brothers"! We've only been here three weeks and we're a big hit! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Rimmer, everything is backwards! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We got used to it! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's true! Once you get over the initial shock, things actually make a lot more sense this way round. There's no death here. You start off dead, you have a funeral, then you come to life! As each year passes you get younger and younger until you become a newborn baby. Then you go back inside your mother, who goes back inside her mother, and so on, until eventually we all become one glorious whole! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Rimmer, you already are one glorious hole! You've totally flipped, man. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We want to stay! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]But we CAN'T stay! Look, I'm 25 now--in 10 years time I'll be 15. I'll have to go through puberty again! Backwards! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Imagine that! Your gajimbas will suddenly rise back into your body, and the next thing you know you're singing soprano in the school choir! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]And worse than that--in 25 years I'll be a little sperm, swimming around in somebody's testicles! I mean, pardon me, but that's just not how I saw my future! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm telling you, things are better this way. It's our universe that's the wrong way round. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Take war. War is a wonderful thing here! In fifty years time, the second world war will start: backwards! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] And that's a good thing? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Millions of people will come to life. Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third rike, and bog off back to Austria! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We're smash hits here! We'd be crazy to leave. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Rimmer, we don't belong here! This place is crazy! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Crazy? Death, disease, famine? there's none of that here. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's no crime! The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us and forced 50 pounds into my wallet at knife-point! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Okay, okay! But look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say, Saint Francis of Assissi. In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus? what a bastard! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Eh? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]He's the big fat ghit who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid's favorite toys! [:np] [:ra 245] The manager of the pub (the same man who Lister spoke to earlier at the bar, incidentally) comes in and starts yelling at Rimmer and Kryten. [:nd] [:dv br 0 ap 121] Uoy ot Skcollob! You fo tol eht etah I. Ti enod evah dluoc ydobyna, yawyna. Parc s'tca rouy, ylknarf. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What fight? We didn't start any fight? [:nd] [:dv br 0 ap 121] Tog seh efil das, roop a tahw! Gniyas M'i taht hsibbur eht tuo krow yllautca dna, dnuor ti nurt, gnidrocer siht fo dloh teg ot derehtob s'ohw yrtnuoc eht ni tarp eno eht gnisserdda M'i. Uoy gnisserdda yllautca ton M'i tub. Uoy ta gnitniop M'i. Uoy ta gnitniop t'nia I. Uoy t'nera, tig dlab, dedaeh-erauqs, diputs a era you? [:np] [:ra 245] The manager exits, backwards. There is a knock on the door. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We're fired! Something about a fight! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]But you've been with us all night! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He says we'll never work the pub circuit again! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, for smeg's sake, be reasonable! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer and kryten are now arguing with the manager in the front room of the bar. All of the patrons have gone and the place is in a shambles. Kryten and the manager say some backwards gibberish.) [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tell him about the contract thing! He can't just sack us like that! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's all that about? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer in a fight? That's a laugh for a start. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So what's the plan? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]I dunno. See what happens. If they don't change their minds, head back without them I suppose. Ow, my back! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat and Lister then proceed to uneat some very odd pie, Cat provides the cucumber slices, and Lister spewing whole cherry tomatoes high into the air. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We just gotta get out of here! this universe is just too disgusting! [:np] [:ra 245] A man approaches the table and says something uncaptioned containing the word "bastard". [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's the matter with him? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]I think he's a bit Teed off [kaxz] we've just uneaten his pie. [:np] [:ra 245] this is confirmed when the man says "You've just unscoffed my sodding pie!" [_<400>] lister gingerly fingers his bruised eye. Rimmer and kryten walk up.) [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Unbelievable! We didn't start a fight! [:np] [:ra 245] lister tries to apologise to the guy who's tomatos he un-digested [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, I'm sorry man, we were just, [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is interrupted by the man punching him in the eye. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Are you alright? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Me black eye! It's gone! He just sucked it off me face with his fist! [:np] [:ra 245] The man punches Lister in the side [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]And now he's just uncracked me ribs! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We don't want any trouble. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No, you don't understand! All this mess, all this debris! It's from the fight we got fired for! The fight we're about to have! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] ABOUT to have? I don't want to be involved in a barroom brawl! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]It's not a barroom brawl, it's a barroom tidy! Unrumble! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister holds up a beer mug, and beer is sucked back into it from all over the man's face. People come running in, backwards. Lister is unthrown across the bar, with glasses and bowls replacing themselves in his wake. Cat unsocks somebody with a chair, which reassembles into his hands. A man is unthrown into the shelves behind the bar, which reassemble themselves. Lister crawls backwards into a huddle of men sucking punches off of him. One by one they back off, and Lister jumps backwards over a table while yelling. Rimmer is observing all this from underneath a table. Lister backs up, and rimmer calls (still from his position under the table). [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where are you going, you coward? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]I've just worked out what happens to me back. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister goes outside the pub. He is then unthrown through a large window by two men. They then unbreak a table using Lister's face. They set Lister back on his feet. One of the men has a front tooth missing. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Excuse me, have your tooth back. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister unpunches the man in the mouth, and the tooth reappears. The bar patrons sit down, and their tables and beers right themselves in front of them. The bar is now full of people, and perfectly neat. Rimmer crawls out from underneath the table, and dusts off his green uniform. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Good one, gentlemen! Thanks for your support! Let's go. [:np] [:ra 245] They all start to leave. Suddenly Cat stops Lister. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I've forgotten something. [:np] [:ra 245] Cat walks over to a charity collection box on the bar and takes all the money. The barmaide seems rather pleased and shouts "Thank you!" To the cat. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, what the hell! It's for a good cause! [:np] [:ra 245] He and Lister exit the pub. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] a little later, The four get out of a cab near the spot where Starbug 2 has landed. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]How much is that, mayty? [:np] [:ra 245] The driver hands him some pound notes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Oh aye, yeah. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister turns to go, but the driver calls him back and gives him a coin: the tip. Lister walks away again. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Tight ghit! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten, Lister and Rimmer go up the stairs to the invisible Starbug. Kryten enters, Rimmer and Lister hang about on the stairs. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You know, it could have worked. It really could. Where's the Cat? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]He won't be long. He's, you know. in the bushes. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Rimmer wait for a bit. Suddenly, they both realize something awful and look at each other. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]We've got to stop him!! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat's head pops up from behind some tall grass. He has a horrified look on his face, and his hair is sticking straight up. He walks out from the bushes and up the stairs with a very odd, stiff-legged gait. He stops in front of Rimmer and Lister. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] DON'T ASK! [_<400>][:np :ra245] The end.