[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 260] [:dv br 0 pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 10 ap 90] This week's Red Dwarf, contains scenes which are unsuitable, for younger viewers and people of a nervous disposition. [_<400>] You have been warned. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Red dwarf, Season 3, episode 3. [_<400>] [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>]. [_<800>] A pod is floating through space. Signs on the side read GENETIC WASTE and DO NOT OPEN. It broadcasts a message. [:nh] [:ra 260] [:dv br 0 pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110 ap 90] Danger. Do not attempt to open this pod. [:np] [:ra 245] As the pod rotates, it is seen that a hole has been eaten out of the side. [:nh] [:ra 260] [:dv br 0 pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110 ap 90] The creature inside is extremely hostile. It feeds off the human psyche, seeks out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled. [:np] [:ra 245] Meanwhile, the outer-hull of red dwarf has a hole chewed into it. A dark creature slinks inside. [_<600>] on a cluttered floor of one of the decks aboard the Red Dwarf, The creature makes some weak noises. Obviously, it's very small. It slinks up to a broken mirror and looks at itself, then mutters in disgust and covers its eyes. It then suddenly turns into [_<300>] [_<300>] a teddy bear [_<300>] a bucket and spade [_<300>] a pot of red flowers [_<300>] a Tonka dump truck [_<300>] a doll wearing a long hoop dress [_<300>] a white rotary-dial telephone [_<300>] a toy elephant [_<300>] a two-tone hat [_<300>] a baseball mitt with ball [_<300>] a toy boxer [_<300>] a toy drum [_<300>] a yellow lamp [_<300>] a red toy Volkswagen beetle [_<300>] a roalerskate [_<300>] a traffic cone [_<300>] a lamp-shade [_<300>] a toy penguin [_<300>] a piggy bank [_<300>] a Ken doll [_<300>] a blue potty [_<300>] an alarm clock [_<300>] a tennis ball [_<300>] a tennis shoe [_<300>] a large pot [_<300>] a yellow Koosh Ball [_<300>] a floor-scrub brush [_<300>] a bucket on its side [_<300>] a tiny blue toy whale [_<300>] a statue of Indian origin [_<300>] an incandescent light-bulb [_<300>] a red old-style horn, bell end down [_<300>] a yellow ball [_<300>] a red sock [_<300>] a fluffy white rabbit. [_<400>] Satisfied, the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] hops away from the mirror, and comes to rest down the corridor, where it changes its mind and turns into a red-white-and-blue basketball (coloured like the defunct American Basketball Association's balls), and bounces away. [_<800>] Rimmer and Lister have decided to crank up their living style and have moved into officers quarters. Lister is preparing a meal, scooping out of a tin labelled Red Dwarf; chillyPowder; Sample Issue. He is wearing a black robe with green edges. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not too little, and not too much[_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] He taps the spoon on the edge of the can to get just the right amount, then dumps the can's contents into a bowl, and puts the spoon's contents back in the can. He picks up a fork and begins to stir the ingredients. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Here we go! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten enters, carrying a vacuum-cleaner tube. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I just thought I'd give your quarters a quick tickle around, sir. I won't take a jiff. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not now, Kryten! I'm cooking. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten attaches the tube to his groin and begins vacuuming. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I didn't know you could do that! [:np] [:ra 245] kryten turns off the vacuum [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh yes, I can plug a number of add-ons into my groynal socket, allowing me to perform virtually any household task imaginable. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Like what? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, you name it: buzz saw, power drill, hedge trimmer [_<300>] even an egg whisk. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, so you just, like, stick the egg whisk attachment on the end and you can, like, whip up a Spanish omelette? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I certainly can, sir, but it's amazing how few people are prepared to eat them. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten begins to vacuum again, but quickly begins to spasm. Eventually he shuts the vacuum down. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Goodness me, I must have sucked up a penny. [:np] [:ra 245] he spits out the coin [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'd better change the old bag there. Yes, I'll just go and get a fresh one. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten leaves as Cat enters. They each raise their left hand, and high-five in passing. Cat is wearing a leopard-skin jacket. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [m<300,1500>nxm<600,150>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Something smells good! What is it? [:np] [:ra 245] he sniffs [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's me! I love this aftershave! [:np] [:ra 245] he spins around, palms outturned, then goes to the table [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You are five minutes away from the greatest meal of your life, man, so set your taste-buds on Defcaum 3! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat now stands behind the table, which has candles on it, as well as various medical supplies. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, you've really made an effort here! Where'd you get all this stuff? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I just got sick and tired of using plastic knives and forks, man, so I went to the medical unit and nicked some gear. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This is a scalpel! I'm supposed to cut ['may] food with a scalpel? something that has been inside someone's guts? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's all been cleaned; it's all been washed; it's clean. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [_<300>]something that, long ago in history, may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation? ['aymq<100>] supposed to eat with [q<100>'dhihs]? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Get the onion salads out of the fridge! [:np] [:ra 245] the cat stops as he sees the sign on the refrigerator [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Embryo Refrigeration Unit? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How many times[_<300>]? It's clean; it's been cleaned! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat opens the refrigerator door, muttering "onion salad" as he scans the contents of the fridge. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They're in the kidney bowls, next to the colostomy bag with the chillysauce in it[_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] Cat removes the two kidney bowls, rather disgustedly. Lister has finished his mixing. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Here we go, here we go! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister opens the microwave then uses his hands to throw the contents of his bowl into it. He then tosses in a roll, and squirts a tube of catsup in. He closes the door, and, after a buzz, opens it, removing two plates with the properly prepared meals on them. He goes to the table. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yahoo! Come on, man, come on! It's ready! Sit down, sit down! [:np] [:ra 245] he puts a plate down at his seat [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] One kebab for you [_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] he puts the other plate at Cat's seat [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [_<300>] and one kebab for me. [:np] [:ra 245] They sit down. Cat folds a serviette into his collar. Lister holds up an enormous metal cylindrical object. Lister offers it to cat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lemon-juice? [:np] [:ra 245] cat points at the long metal thing. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What the hell is that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a syringe. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What kind of syringe? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's for cows, artificial insemination. It's been washed; it's clean; it's all been sterilised. Do you want lemon-juice or what? [:np] [:ra 245] cat removes the serviette and stands up. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ahem. Excuse me. [:np] [:ra 245] lister's baffled. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? What about the meal? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This isn't a meal! this is an autopsy! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's only the starter, man! What about the main course? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, you think I got nothing better to do than hang around watching you serve chicken? [_<300>] in a stool bucket? [:np] [:ra 245] he leaves [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, charming. [:np] [:ra 245] he picks up a urine-sample bottle of wine and begins to pour it [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I dunno[_<300>] You pull out all the stops [_<300>] you make an effort [_<300>] try and do something with a little bit of extra class, and where does it get you? [:np] [:ra 245] he drinks the wine [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] very cheeky! [:np] [:ra 245] Outside, in the corridor, the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>], still as the basketball, bounces along, and then into the room. Lister, confused, picks it up and rests it on the table. While he goes to the door to look into the corridor, the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] rolls onto his plate and turns into a second kebab. [_<800>] In another area of the ship, Rimmer is watching a video, smiling. The video image is unstable, clearly a home video, of a family having a picnic. kryten enters and bumps into something as he passes. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. [:np] [:ra 245] he holds up a new vacuum bag [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I just need to get a, heh-heh[_<300>] er, sorry. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, no, Kryten, it's all right. just running a few of the old home movies[_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten moves to see the screen and Rimmer points. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's me, there. Those are my brothers: John, Frank and Howard. God, we were close. The Four Musketeers we used to call ourselves. Well, The Three Musketeers actually. they always let me be the Queen of Spain. Marvellous. I mean, yes, I was the butt of the occasional practical joke, but I mean, er, nothing sinister. [:np] [:ra 245] On the screen, two boys in scout uniforms are seen hammering wooden stakes into the ground. The stakes are tied to the arms and legs of a third boy in scout uniform. One boy smears jam onto the bound boy's face as the other holds up a tin labelled Ants to the camera, and then begins pouring it onto the bound boy's face. guess who he is? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just the usual boyhood pranks, you know: apple-pied beds, and blackeyed telescope [_<300>] and, one time, they even hid a small land mine in my sand pit. They took it from my father's gun cabinet. I mean, how were they supposed to know it was going to go off? Marvellous guys. [:np] [:ra 245] The video image now shows a woman reading Good Schools Guide [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, and, er, who's that, there? an old girlfriend, Mister Arnold, sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Hardly. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, no. Not really your type, I suppose, silly old trout like that. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] She's my mother. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh! I am ['sow] sorry, sir! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just forget it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, how can I forget it, sir? I compared your mother to a foolish, aged blubbery fish! I said she was a simple-minded, scaly old piscine! I estimated she was an ugly, lungless marine animal with galloping senility, a putrid amphibious gill breather with [:dv sr 100 bf 10 hr 100] with less brains than a mollusc! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Forget it! [:np] [:ra 245] to the screen [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, freeze! [:np] [:ra 245] The image freezes on her still reading the book. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, there she is. magnificent woman. Very prim. Very proper. Some say austere. Some people took her for cold, thought she was aloof. Not a bit of it! she just despised idiots, no time for fools. Tragic, really; otherwise we would have got on famously. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'll go now! this is clearly a very private family moment. I've no fish to embarrass you further; I'll let myself trout. [:np] [:ra 245] he begins to leave, but then returns, crying once again in apology [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, sir, I'm [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just go! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten leaves. As Rimmer shakes his head, Holly appears on the screen. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I don't want you to panic, Arn, but it does appear there's a very tiny possibility that there may very well in all likelihood possibly be a non-human life form on board. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You mean like last time, when you got us all worked up and we went scooting off down to the cargo bay complete with bazookoids and backpacks, and it turned out to be one of Lister's socks? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I didn't recognise the genetic structure. Biologically speaking, they were a completely new life form. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Absolutely ridiculous! I felt the total goit. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, I think you should take a look. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where is it? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I lost it. It's somewhere along the habitation deck. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer stands up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I can't get a moment's peace in this place[_<300>] [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Back in the quarters, Lister is sitting back at the table as Kryten enters, with the vacuum cleaner tube attached. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Enjoying your meal, sir? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's delicious, Kryten! dee smegging licious. It's my own recipe, you know: ['shaomiy'] Kebab Diablo! It's beautiful, man. It's like eating molten lava. I cooked up one for Petersen once, you know [_<300>] he was in sickbay for a week, for a week! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister shakes some pepper on the remaining kebab as he watches Kryten clean. The kebab wriggles and sneezes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What'd you say? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I didn't say anything, sir. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister picks up a scalpel and sets to cut the kebab, but he notices it wriggling. It notices him trying to cut it, and leaps around his neck. Lister falls to the floor, trying to pry off the kebab. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Do you seriously like them that hot, sir? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [:dv sr 100] It's trying to kill me! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, it's a good one, huh? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister manages finally to pry it off, and the kebab runs behind some cases. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It went under here! I can see it! [:np] [:ra 245] he beats at the cases with a baseball bat [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Are you all right, sir? [:np] [:ra 245] A noise is heard as the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] changes shape. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Smeg! It's gone! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How can that be? Where could it go? [:np] [:ra 245] he picks up a pair of red shorts from the floor and begins to put them on [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We better get out of here, Kryten. Something very weird is going on. Something very, very. ooh, there's some kind of pain in my groin[_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] Movement is seen underneath Lister's robe as his shorts begin making noise. He screams. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What's wrong? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] My underpants! they're shrinking! Oh god! The boxers are alive, man! They're getting smaller!!! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister falls to the floor on his back, writhing in pain. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Help me, please! Please!!! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten goes to his knees, and begins to try removing Lister's shorts. Rimmer enters, and sees the goings-on from behind Kryten. Lister doesn't notice yet as he continues to bounce around in pain. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Please, I'm begging you! Get it off, man! Pull it down! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten finally retrieves the shorts, and stands, holding them. They are indeed very short, too. He puts them on Lister's bunk. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked[_<300>] You'll bonk anything, won't you, Lister?[_<300>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, the boxers: where are they? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I threw them over here. [:np] [:ra 245] they aren't on the bed anymore. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You sure? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's nothing here[_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] The [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] can be heard changing form once more. Kryten is still hunting around on the bed. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Just the blanket, and the pillows, and the[_<300>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Snake!!! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [_<300>]snake. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Snake? [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten has a large boa constrictor wrapped around him. It suddenly leaps at and attacks Lister. Lister struggles with it, but manages to stuff it into his laundry basket. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What the smeg is going on? [:np] [:ra 245] lister is utterly terrified. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I hate snakes! They freak me out totally, snakes. [:np] [:ra 245] he picks up some large forceps and approaches the basket [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They are my all-time second-worst fear, guy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's your first? [:np] [:ra 245] The [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] changes shape as Lister opens the basket, and a huge, fleshy, slimy-appendaged creature shoots out, reaching the ceiling. It has a set of sharp teeth on extendable jaws. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This. [:np] [:ra 245] From between the jaws, a thin, slimy sucker comes out and attaches to Lister's forehead, with a quiet, squishy splat. Lister collapses. [_<800>] Later, Lister is asleep in the medical unit. Cat leans against his bed. Rimmer and Kryten are standing nearby. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Is he OK? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] As far as we can tell, yes. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So where'd the creature go? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, it turned into a kind of splodgy, squelchy thing and squidged off down the corridor. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is it? some kind of alien? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] No, it's from Earth. man made. I checked out its DNA profile [_<300>] some kind of genetic experiment that went wrong. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Apparently, it was an attempt to create the ultimate warrior, a mutant that could change shape to suit its terrain and deceive its enemies. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So what did go wrong? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [:dv br 50] It's insane! [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] It feeds off the negative emotions: fear, guilt, anger, paranoia. drains them out of its prey. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a sort of emotional vampire. It changes shape to provoke a negative emotion. in Lister's case, it took him to the very limit of his terror, then sucked out his fear. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So now Lister's got no sense of fear[_<300>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Precisely. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are we going to do? [:np] [:ra 245] lister sits up. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Well, I say let's get out there and [twae'q~t] it! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, you're ill. Just relax and leave this to us. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] I could have had it in the sleeping quarters, but you saw it! you saw it! it took me by surprise. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, it turned into an eight-foot-tall, armour-plated alien killing machine. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] If it wants a barny, we'll give it one! One swift knee in the happy sacks; it'll drop like anyone else! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Fine, well, we'll bear that in mind when we're planning our strategy. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, yes, very good[_<300>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] I'm gonna stick my fist so far down its gob, I'll be able to pull the label off its underpants. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, yes[_<300>] Kryten[_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten injects a sedative through Lister's arm. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] What's that, pal? You starting trouble?? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's just a little something to calm you down, sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Come on, then! All of you, slags! All together or one at a time! I don't care! it's all the same to me! I'm[_<400>] [:np] [:ra 245] he collapses [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, thank god for that. Right. as far as I can see it, we have two options: One, we take it on and kill it; or Two, run away. Who's for Two? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Two sounds pretty good to me, sir. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's always been ['may] lucky number. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right, well, let's load up Starbug and get out of here. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] What about Lister? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, just seal the hatch from the inside. He'll be safe here until we're ready to go. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Remember: it's out there, and it could be anything. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Let's move it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What about the Space Corps Directive which states, "It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home"? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What about the Rimmer Directive which states, "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family"? [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer leaves, and is followed by Kryten and Cat. [_<1200>] Later, in the bowels of the ship, the three are going down a cargo lift. In the dim blue light, Kryten is monitoring a device he holds in his hand. Beeps from it become more rapid until it makes a solid tone. Cat is wearing a silver jacket, and has on a headband and studded fingerless gloves. Cat and Kryten each carry a bazookoid (gun, big, you get the idea) and wear a backpack. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's here. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Where? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Somewhere. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Set the bazookoids to heat-seeker. [:np] [:ra 245] Cat and Kryten do so. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] When you see it, aim roughly in its direction, and the heat seekers will do the rest. [:np] [:ra 245] They step off the lift, and creep around. Rimmer looks down a corridor between crates of cargo. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is that a shadow? It's in the shadows! There! There! There! [:np] [:ra 245] he points and Cat and Kryten emerge from behind crates beside Rimmer, and fire down the corridor. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sorry. My fault. False alarm. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Idiot. [:np] [:ra 245] The heat-seeking balls of energy round the corner as they continue their search for a valid target. They then change direction and head back toward the trio. The balls' targetting screen reads "LASER THERMO ENABLED; STATUS KILL; LOCKED." The group manages to duck just in time, and the bullet balls fly over their heads. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't understand it! holograms don't produce heat, and neither do ['aendroydz]. What are they homing in on? [:np] [:ra 245] Cat freezes for a moment, then looks over at Rimmer and Kryten as they look at him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So long, guys. [:np] [:ra 245] he runs away. The energy balls return to where Rimmer and Kryten are and round the corner, chasing Cat. Cat runs around a few corners, then grabs a cardboard box and holds it up. The energy balls burn through it and go down the aisle. Cat throws down the box and begins running again as the energy balls change direction to follow him again. Cat is now trotting across a perpendicular aisle, followed by the balls, then almost immediately across the next aisle, in the other direction. This continues for the next aisle, and then he runs down the last aisle one way, then the other. He leaps over the energy balls and dives down a side aisle. The balls still chase after him, but have lost him. Cat walks quietly down an aisle, with his back against the cargo boxes. He peeks down another aisle, then walks into an intersection. At the next intersection, the two balls hover, waiting for him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, come on! give me a break! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat runs down an aisle again, followed by the balls. He runs to a dead end except for a door. He activates the door, which slides open, and ducks. The balls fly past him, into the area beyond the door. Cat reaches up and hits the door control again, trapping the energy balls inside. He stands up. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You either got it or you ain't. Boys, you ain't even close. [:np] [:ra 245] cat struts away, and then hears rimmer calling. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Cat, where are you? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Over here! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Stay put; we'll come and find you. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Keep talking! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat doesn't believe this, and sneaks around warily. He hops into a T intersection, turns 360 degrees, then walks down the vertical part of the T. A woman comes up behind him. [:nb] What are you looking for? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] A mutant. It's dangerous! it can turn into anything! [:nb] Oh, sounds pretty scary! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It is, baby. Believe me. [:nb] It must take a really brave sort of guy to do this kind of work. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, I guess you're right! [:nb] And smart? I bet you have to be smart! [:np] [:ra 245] the cat stops walking. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Smart? Yeah, you definitely have to be smart. Like I say, it can turn into anything. You gotta have your wits about you all the time, don't let up for one second, or it'll just creep up on you and[_<300>] blip! you're dog meat. Come on, baby. [:np] [:ra 245] they resume walking down the corridor. [:nb] You know, you're really quite a guy? brave, smart, handsome, [_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] flattered, the cat stops walking again and smiles at her. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, you think handsome? [:nb] Oh, come on. You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it. [:nb] Do you know what I'd really like? [_<200>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [_<0,50>m<300,150>] [_<200>] [:nb] I'd really like to make love to a guy like you. [:np] [:ra 245] the cat is grinning like a cheshire, [_<400>] cat. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere. Let's see [_<300>] er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time? [:nb] Nothing I couldn't cancel. [_<400>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hi. I'm the Cat. [:nb] Hi. I'm the Genetic Mutant. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Glad to know you [_<300>] Genny who? [:np] [:ra 245] The [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] turns back into its large slimy form, its jaws extend, and the thin, slimy sucker comes out and plops onto Cat's forehead. Elsewhere, Kryten and Rimmer have heard this and begin running down the aisles, Rimmer trailing a considerable distance behind. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's got him! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten rushes around the corner near Cat. Rimmer walks in slowly behind. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, my goodness! Are you all right? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is he dead? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Unconscious, but, according to the psi scan, he appears to have lost an emotion. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Which emotion? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's lost his vanity! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] This is your fault, Kryten. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [mqmqmqmqmqmqmmmay] fault? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You were supposed to stick together. You let the Cat run off alone. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But it wasn't[_<300>] I mean[_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He trusted you. Now look at him. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, please[_<300>] I feel so, [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] GUILTY? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] GOOD!!! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmers face stretches! [_<400>] Kryten looks shocked, then the slimy sucker plops onto his forehead. The [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] is sucking the guilt from Kryten. The real Rimmer runs around some corners, and comes behind the creature still feeding. He sneaks closer to it, then jumps into a pseudo karate stance, with a [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Hah! [:np] [:ra 245] shouted. The [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] has no reaction. Rimmer steps back a bit, then the creature turns to face him. Rimmer holds up the back of his hands, limp-wristed, then moves his hands, saying [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Shoo! Shoo. [:np] [:ra 245] The [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] changes into its small initial form and slinks away, between some boxes. Rimmer approaches Kryten. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Let's just get Lister and get out of here! [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] It's got my guilt! I have lost the single emotion which prevents my transgressing the ['m'aorey<90>z<100>] and matters of civilised society. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Stop your ['bl'ihdhrrihnx], Kryten. come on! Grab the Cat, and let's go! [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] Oh, screw you, hadronhead! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer leaves. [_<1200>] In the medical unit, a spigot is bulging. Lister is beginning to wake up. The [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] makes its way out of the spigot and falls to the floor. [_<600>] Rimmer runs down a corridor, but then stops, turning around. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where have you been? Let's go! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat staggers around the corner. His hair is a mess and he carries a paper sack with a bottle inside. He wears dirty clothes, including an anorak. His speech is blurred. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] I've been getting my[sh<40>]elf comfortable, ['mae<400>n]. [:np] [:ra 245] he staggers beyond Rimmer [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Come on, Kryten! You're holding us all up! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten rounds the corner, lugging a bazookoid. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, who cares? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're going to get us all killed! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] So? [:np] [:ra 245] [_<600>] In the medical unit, a woman's hand, wearing a ring, is toying on Lister's abdomen. Lister finally wakes up, looks at her face, then lets his head fall back down. Kryten, Rimmer and Cat enter. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, look! It's Bonehead's mum. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [hx<100,200>axah<400,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Mother[_<300>] [:nr] Hello, dear! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you doing? [:np] [:ra 245] she responds as she kisses lister. [:nr] Well, what does it look like, darling? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You've just made love to my mother? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Yeah. Do you want to make something of it? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] It's not your mother! it's the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>]! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You've just ['hx'ae'~d] my mum? [:nr] Five times! He was like a wild stallion! [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] Very prim [_<300>] very proper [_<300>] almost austere! [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] [hx<100,600>ae<100,100>hx<100,300>ae<200,70>hx<100,90>ae<400,50>] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Don't fall for it, Arn! it's trying to make you angry! [:nr] Darling, I wish you could have seen him in action. He was like a set of pistons in an ocean liner engine room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I think I'm going to be sick. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Don't get angry! that's what it wants! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister and Mother[_<300>] [:dv gf 100] It's a dream come true. [:nr] He's so energetic! I honestly thought my false teeth were going to fall out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How lovely. [:nr] [_<300>]the positions he bent me into[_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Terrific. That sounds enchanting. Well done. [:nr] [_<300>]and the things this boy can do with Alphabetti Spaghetti[_<300>] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Cool it, Arnie! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI? [:np] [:ra 245] The by now familiar sucker attaches to Rimmer's hologrammatic forehead, just above the H. [_<800>] Later, all are gathered in the sleeping quarters. Cat sits on the floor, drinking out of the bottle. Most of the drink spills down his shirt, but it blends in with previous stains. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Where [ihzh] it now? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] It's gone back down to the cargo bays, sleeping off a four-course meal of fear, vanity, guilt and anger. You'd better get it before it comes back for seconds. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer is wearing a T-shirt which reads, "GIVE ['kiysh] A CHANCE." He also wears shorts and a wristwatch, and is smoking a pipe. His face sports a goatee and black spectacles. He speaks with a lot of hand movements, fingers together, outstretched. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table, and put together a solution package, perhaps over tea and biscuits. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten is in lister's bunk. [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] Look at him! You can't trust his opinion, he's got no anger. He's a total dork! [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Good point, Kryten. Let's take that on board, shall we? Erm, David? David, do you have anything you want to bring to this forum? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is still holding the baseball bat and also has a bazookoid on his shoulder. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Well, yes, I have, actually, Arnold. Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I'll nuke the smegger to oblivion! [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right, well, that's very nice, David. Let's put that on the back burner, shall we? Erm, Cat, let's have your contribution [_<300>] come on. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Hey, don't ashk me my opinion, I'm nobody. Jusht pretend I'm not here. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's lovely. Thank you very much. Erm, moving on a step, and I hope no-one thinks that I'm setting myself up as a self-elected chairperson [_<300>] just see me as a facilitator, erm, Kryten, what's your view? Don't be shy. [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] Well, I think we should send Lister in as a decoy, and, while it's busy eating him alive, we could creep up on it unawares and blast it into the stratosphere. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Good plan! That's the best plan yet! Let it get knackered eating me to death, then you guys could just, like, catch it unawares! [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, that's certainly an option, David, yes. Erm, but here's my proposal: Let's get tough. The time for talking is over. Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major! and I mean ['] major! leaflet campaign, and while it's reeling from that, we'd follow up with a whist drive, a car boot sale, some street theatre and possibly even some benefit concerts. OK? Now, if that's not enough, I'm sorry, it's time for the T-shirts: "Mutants Out" [_<300>] "Chameleonic Life Forms, No Thanks" [_<300>] and if that's not enough, well, I don't know what will be. [_<200>] [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] Has anyone ever told you that you are a disgusting, pus-filled bubo who has all the wit, charm and self-possession of an [aels`eyshaxn] dog after a head-swap operation? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Listen, you bunch of tarts, it's clobbering time! There's a body bag out there with that scudball's name on it, and I'm doing up the zip. Anyone who gets in my way gets a napalm enema! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] I think everybody[zh<200>] right, exshept me, so jusht forget I shpoke, all [r<100,50>ay<400,100>~t]? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is "What are we going to call ourselves?" erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society". Erm, one drawback with that, the abbreviation is "CLITORIS". [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Look, it needs killing! If that means I have to sacrifice my life in some stupid pointless way, then all the better! [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] Yes! Why not? I mean, even if it doesn't work, it'll still be a laugh! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Right, so let's just cut all of this business and get on with it! Last one alive's a wet ponce. Who's with me? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, the car stickers aren't ready until Thursday, but sometimes one just has to act spontaneously. People, let's go. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister leaves, rimmer following. Cat and kryten stand up. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Hey, I'm coming, too. Maybe I can bum some money off him. [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] Maybe if I hand you guys over, it'll let me go. MOVE IT, SUCKERS! [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] moves through the cargo bay. At a T intersection, Lister jumps in, then whips the baseball bat around each side of him a few times, then misses, sending the bat impacting between his legs. He staggers for a bit then begins to walk as the others fall in behind him. Rimmer is holding a sign which reads CHAMELEONIC LIFE FORMS NO THANKS! He's singing a "Love Everybody; Peace; Love" song. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30] Come on, you chicken. Show us your slobbery chops, and we'll blow them off. [:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220] Here they are! nice juicy humans! Come and get them! ['hxiyiyiyrr,] muty mutant! [:np] [:ra 245] The [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] continues wandering around the aisles. The foursome stand looking down an aisle as the creature stands to its full height behind them, unnoticed. Lister uses his baseball bat to open the door, and the energy balls fired earlier zoom out. The foursome duck, and the balls fly to and detonate on the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>]. Bits of the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] fall on the foursome, as they suddenly have regained their lost emotions. They stand up. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Phewee! What am I wearing? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, how can you ever forgive me, sirs? Naturally, I will commit suicide immediately. [:np] [:ra 245] he sticks the barrel of the bazookoid in his mouth and lister pulls it away from him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey[_<300>] We were all a bit whacked out there. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You can say that again. [:np] [:ra 245] he's refering to his pipe. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Come on, let's go and clean up. If I don't get into some coordinated evening wear, I'm going to have to resign my post as Most Handsome Guy on the Ship. [:np] [:ra 245] Cat leaves, followed by Kryten, Rimmer and Lister. The pod from which the [pao<75>liy<75>m`or<125>f<50>] came still spins in space. Down the cargo bay, the group walks in line: Cat, Kryten Rimmer, Lister and Lister. The second Lister stops, looks into the camera, smiles, giggles, roars, and turns into the eight-foot slimy creature. Its sucker reaches toward the viewer. [_<1200>] the end