[:phone on]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Red dwarf, season 3.
Episode 5?
[_<200>]
timeslides
[_<1000>]
A minniture golf table.
Cat's head rises into view over the edge of the table, He
is wearing a rather ridiculous multi-coloured tammy, a red
golfing jumper with a large Red Dwarf' badge and garish
plus fours. He is carefully lining up a shot.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Okay, okay, okay. On the hill, slice the ball
to the Left!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He pulls back the club on his miniature golfer, causing it
to putt the ball into the hole.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Yes, yes, yes, YES! Yow!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He switches on a tape recorder sitting beside the
scaled-down green. Cheering and applause emerge from the speakers.
Cat bows and blows kisses happily.
Lister is sitting with arms folded,
looking rather unhappy.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yay! Four up, with six to play! This
guy is hot! Hot! HOT! okay, Hole 13.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What am I doing? What am I doing here?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You're not following through is what you're doing! keep
you're head down and follow through!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why am I playing this?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Because It's Sunday! Time to relax, time to chill!
Lighten up!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I CAN'T lighten up! I hate my life! We seem to spend
every day devising more and more ingenious ways of wasting
time. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of table golf, I'm sick of
tiddlywinks show jumping! I'm sick of stretching a pair of
tights across the room and playing durex volleyball!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
If you like, We'll kick the golf on the head, okay?
[:np] [:ra 240]
Lister nods, looking glum and depressed.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
How about a game of junior angler? All the thrills and
spills of fresh water fly fishing from the comfort of your
own living room!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Got it! Unicycle Polo! We could have a quick chucker on
floor fourteen!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
it's smegging stupid! two grown men on unicycles,
belting a beach ball up and down the corridor, with french
loaves!
It's pathetic, it's idiotic, it's [_<300>] it's, it's puerile!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Well, you invented it!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Life? This, it's worse than prison! I mean, at least in
prison you can look forward to getting out. I want to live
I want a job. I want to meet people, I want to meet GIRLS, I
want to make love!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Well, junior angling is the best you're gonna get out
of me, baby!
[:np] [:ra 245]
lister turns toward the door.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] we always seem so crowded for space.
get out of my face!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Okay, okay, but don't come running to me next time you
want someone to play soapsud slalom down the cargo ramp.
You can carry your own damn flags!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
meanwhile, Kryten is developing some photos in the lab. He
is listening to rock music, heavy on the guitars.
Suddenly he hears a strange noise over the music. He
listens, then taps a few buttons on his waistline. The music
cassette pops out of his in-built personal stereo. He starts
looking for the source of the noise. It appears to be coming
from a black and white photograph hanging on the drying
line. As Kryten watches in surprise, the scene in the
photograph moves, an old-fashioned car speeds by. In the
photograph next to it, Kryten is attending a party. Voices
in the photo are singing "Happy Birthday, Kryten".
At this point Kryten hits him self on the back of the head and
pops his eyes out, gives them a ['paolish'] on his chest and puts them
back in his head.
streamer festooned Kryten in the picture ducks his head in
embarrassment and mumbles
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh, what a surprise!
[:np] [:ra 245]
His future
self probably agrees.
[_<800>]
Lister is sitting at the table in the living quarters,
popping cellophane bubbles. He looks thoroughly depressed. We
hear singing, just a few seconds before Rimmer enters,
looking very happy.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Lovely service, Lister! You should have come! most
uplifting!
[_<300>]
What's wrong with you?
[_<300>] Ah, it's November! Nearly time for your bath!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Please just spare me the good mood? I just can't handle
it right now. Ok?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What happened to you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm sick of it, that's what. I'm just totally,
totally sick of it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sick of what?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm sick of you and your silly green suits, I'm sick
of your stupid flared nostrils. I'm sick of the way that
you always smile when you're being insulted.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer smiles: nostrils flared.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm sick of the Cat, I'm sick of Holly, I'm sick of
you, I'm sick of me and as for Kryten? I'm sick of him.
I'm sick of this ship, sick of this life, I'm just sick of it.
[_<350>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're unhappy, aren't you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Joining the Space Corps, that's when it all
went wrong. If i didn't join up things could really have
worked out for me.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer points at the plastic sheet that Lister is
attacking vigorously.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's a tension sheet, isn't it? I
went to school with the guy who invented tension sheets.
things certainly worked out for him all right. A
millionaire at twenty-six! Fred Holden. he was in our
dorm. God, he was thick. Thicky Holden, we used to call
him.
"Hello, Thicky! How's your acne, Thicky? he
always used to come bottom in geography. He thought a
glacier was a bloke who fixed windows.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He can't have been that dense can he? i mean he invented
the tension sheet?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's just the stuff they used to use in packing
paper. All he did was to paint it red and cut it into
small squares. And you know who he married? Sabrina
Mulholland-j-jones.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The model?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How can that be? The most desirable woman in the
western hemisphere and thicky Holden, a spotty little gimp
who used to blow off the bed-covers every time we had
cauliflower cheese!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He had a break. He got lucky.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I suppose so. Did you go to school with anyone famous?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Charles Keenan. He was pretty famous.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What did he do?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ate his wife.
[:np] [:ra 245]
The screen comes on and Kryten's face appears.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but I think you should
come down to the photo-lab. Something quite strange is
happening.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister, Cat, Rimmer and Kryten are in the photo-lab,
examining the strangely animated photos. In two side-by-side
frames, Kryten is opening presents. In another party photo,
several people are doing a conga.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] These are just ordinary photographs. What did you do
to them?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I just developed them as normal, and for some reason
they came to life.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] It's the developing fluid. It must have mutated.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] At first I thought it was just my roll of film, but
it seems to work on any negative. There's some others here
I've developed as slides.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Go for it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Lights!
[:np] [:ra 245]
The lights dim and the slide projector starts. The projected
scene is a wedding photo. Church bells are ringing in the
background.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's Frank! That's my brother's wedding!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister walks forward towards the screen. Suddenly he finds
himself amongst the wedding guests.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yo, I'm in the photograph!
[:dv br 0 ri 10 sm 50 la 10 pr 60 ap 90] [:ra 280]
Excuse me, could you stand aside, please? We're
trying to take a photograph.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm actually IN the photograph!
[:dv br 0 ri 10 sm 50 la 10 pr 60 ap 90] [:ra 280]
Excuse me, you're blocking the shot.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm actually here, I'm at a smeggin wedding
[:dv br 0 ri 10 sm 50 la 10 pr 60 ap 90] [:ra 280]
Listen sunshine are you trying to make trouble?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wow, man, I'm back on Earth! I'm in a photograph!
[:np] [:ra 245]
frank grabs lister.
[:dv br 0 ri 10 sm 50 la 10 pr 60 ap 90] [:ra 280]
Look, will you just clear off!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look He can touch me, he can touch me!
[:dv br 0 ri 10 sm 50 la 10 pr 60 ap 90] [:ra 280]
Squire, hop it!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he punches lister in the stomach.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] oof! He can actually punch me! This is brilliant!
Punch me again! fantastic! Oof! Alright, alright,
I'm going!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He turns, takes one step and hits his head
against the frame of the photo.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I can't walk outside of the
photograph!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He taps the frame a few times, sighs and
jumps out of the screen.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Inn smeggin' credible!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Kryten puts on another slide. It shows two people in ski
wear posing for a photo on top of a mountain.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's this?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's one of Lister's.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't recognise this.
RIMMER : Who are they?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't know. Oh yeah, I remember. I sent away some
snaps of me eighteenth birthday and got someone's skiing
holiday back instead.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister & Rimmer enter the slide.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's amazing. We're really here!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I know. Check this!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister rolls a snowball and throws it at Cat, who is sitting
in the photo-lab. Cat catches it one-handed and throws it
back, hitting Lister squarely on the face. Lister and Rimmer
leave the photo.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It even works in black and white. I tried it with a
really old one, too.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He puts on another slide. it is a very Old photo, somebody speaking from
a balcony to a large crowd.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] that's Nuremberg! That's Adolf Hitler. He was leader
of the runners-up in World War two.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I cut the photograph out of one of your magazines.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Which magazine was that?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Fascist Dictator Monthly. He was Mister October.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Suddenly they notice that Lister is standing beside the
little fascist as he makes his speech.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ignore him! he's a complete and total nutter! AND he's
only got one testicle!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He gives Hitler the finger, just as the short dictator ['zayk] Hiels.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's he doing now? He's SCUFFLING with Adolf
Hitler! You can't just stick one on the leader of the
Third ['rayk!]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister jumps back through the screen, carrying a brown bag.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I nicked his briefcase!
[:np] [:ra 245]
They put it on the table and open it. Lister pulls out a
pair of manacles attached to a pink bow, followed by a
sandwich: Hitler's lunch. he peers inside.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Banana and crisps?
[:np] [:ra 245]
He then pulls out a book.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] His diary!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Allow me. I'll switch to 'translation mode.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He
takes the book.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
"Things to remember: Stop milk, pay
papers, invade Czechoslovakia.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Meanwhile, Lister has pulled out a box wrapped in brown
paper and tied with string. He reads the label:
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A present here "To Adolf, Love & hugs, Staff Colonel Von
Stauffenberg."
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That rings a bell. Von Stauffenberg, he's
famous for something[_<300>] Wait a minute, he's the
officer who tried to assassinate Hitler by putting a bomb
in his briefcase! How could I forget that?
[:np] [:ra 245]
They all look at each other, then at the package in Listers
hands. Kryten, Cat and Rimmer dive for cover. Lister
shuffles backwards, holding the bomb dead level, then
drop-kicks it back into the photo. The bomb explodes well
inside the frame, showering them with bits of wood and glass
[_<1000>]
a newspaper headline: "HITLER ESCAPES BOMBING AT
NUREMBERG". The photo is the one used for the slide, with
the addition of Lister.
Lister is reading the paper.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't believe this. We've got ourselves a smeggin'
time machine!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So we can go anywhere we want, absolutely anywhere?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Providing we have a photograph of it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So if one of us had, say, a photograph of a female
only naturist beach in Acapulco full of bronzed, naked,
uninhibited teenage temptresses, we could go there for a
holiday?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I suppose.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten, get my photo album.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hang on. Thing is, we can't move outside the confines of the
photograph. What we see is all we get.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Meaning?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Meaning we can't get a picture of Earth and go back
there, we wouldn't be able to move outside the frame of
the photograph.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Believe me, this beach shot in Acapulco, you
wouldn't want to move outside the photograph!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So it's useless, then?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, not entirely useless. Think of the famous people
we could meet, the famous places we could go.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We could go back to Dallas, in November 1963, stand
on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck![_<300>] Oh, I'm sorry, I
Must have bypassed my "Good Taste" chip!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The possibilities are enormous! They're mind
numbing! we could go back in time and avert major
disasters!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, you mean like persuade Dustin Hoffman not to
make ISHTAR
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] What about determinism, then? What about causality?
You can't just mess about with history!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We'll just do something small.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] There's no such thing as "small" when you're talking
about changing time!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm only talking about changing things so that I
don't get marooned in space.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Such as?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] If I can go back and fix things so that I don't join
the Space Corps, don't sign up on Red Dwarf, I can create
an alternate existence, a NORMAL existence, back on Earth.
I won't be stuck with your ugly mush for the next 3
million years.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How can you do that?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] With this,
[:np] [:ra 245]
a Tension Sheet
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
and this.
[:np] [:ra 245]
a slide.
[_<800>]
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's ready, sir.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He puts on the slide. It shows a two-bit Indie Rock band
playing on the stage of an English pub. The drummer has hair
combed down over his face and held in place by his glasses,
the guitarist has tattoos and the lead singer is wearing a
Gary Glitter-style jacket with huge shoulder pads. He is
(after a fashion) singing.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
[aom<800,13>aom<800,13>aom<800,13>]
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is this? Who is that jerk?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's me.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Aged 17. That's me first band, Smeg And The Heads.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What are you wearing?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It was all the rage. It's what everyone was wearing.
It was called "Sham Glam".
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Look at that collar! You could go hand-gliding!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We used to think we were so cool. Come on!
[:np] [:ra 245]
They step into the past.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] One of the first songs I ever wrote. It was called
"Om".
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nothing like a good old-fashioned love song, eh?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And to think I genuinely thought we were gonna be
massive. God, I was stupid.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who are the other two?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The whacked-out crazy hippy drummer's called Dobbin.
He joined the police force in the end. Became a grand
wizard in the Freemasons. The Bass is called Gazza. He was
a neo-marxist nihilistic anarchist. Eventually joined a
large insurance company and got his own parking space.
[:np] [:ra 245]
The Om Song finishes.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
Yeah! Rock and Roll! Thank you, thank you very
much, and for those of you who are interested, there are
official "Smeg And The Heads" T-shirts & some signed
polaroids of the band currently on sale in the back of
Dobbin's car. It's the orange Ford in the car park, the
one with bald tires and no windscreen. Well, we'll be
back In 20 minutes to play you our second set. so from me, Smeg, and from
Dobbin and Gazza, the Heads, I'll see you later.
[_<300>]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'll catch you guys later.
[:np] [:ra 245]
lister walks off to meet with his younger self. Kryten speaks to rimmer.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What is this place?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's a pub.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A "pub"? Ah yes, a meeting place where people
attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence
by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister returns, with his younger self.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Guys, guys, I'd like you to meet me, aged 17.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
Shay-dee! This is totally shady! It's Beyond shady,
It's surreal! These your mates, then?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. This is Cat, Kryten and [_<300>] Rimmer.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
Brilliant tattoo, man! What's it
stand for, Heavy Metal?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, indeed.
[:np] [:ra 245]
the younger lister turns his attention to kryten.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
Hey, what happened to him,
his face? It's grotesque, isn't it? Has he had an accident
He looks like he spent three weeks with his head jammed in
a lift! It's totally shady!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, sit down and shut up!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
So how did you get here, what
['daxyxuw] want?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I've come to try and change your future.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
CHANGE it? Aren't you happy being a rock star?
Is the constant demand of them groupies getting you down?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You don't make it as a rock star.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
That's impossible! It cannot be!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How can I say this without giving offense? You don't
make it coz, [_<300>] you're crap!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
Oh, and how would you know, grandad? You're
too old to receive what we're trying to transmit!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm YOU, you dork!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
Too old and too crypto-fascist.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, will you shut up and listen? I'm trying to
make you rich. All you've got to do is to go down to the
patent office and register this as your invention.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He
holds up a tension sheet.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's called a "tension sheet".
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Uh-uh, that's amoral. That's Thicky Holden's
invention.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Uh-uh, was!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
This is just that stuff they
use as packing paper, painted red with "tension sheet"
Painted on it.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I know.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
It's a piece of crypto-fascist bourgous crap!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It'll make you a multi-multi-multi-millionaire.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
But I'm not into dosh, I hate money, I loathe
possessions, It's just so, [_<300>] crypto-fascist.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Will you stop saying everything's crypto-fascist?
You make me sound like I was a complete ['giht!]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
I'm not breaking up the band. Music is me
life.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's right. You can't make him give up his music!
You heard the Om Song, It's a masterpiece!
[:np] [:ra 245]
to rimmer,
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Back Off!
[:np] [:ra 245]
to his younger self,
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm trying
to give you a break.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, give up! The guy's an idiot!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's me!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Exactly!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
I don't want a break. It's my future, I'll
take me own chances, thanks.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] If you take your own chances, you'll wind up stuck
on a spaceship with im, im and im. for the rest of eternity
You won't HAVE a future. You think about it.
Cmon.
[:np] [:ra 245]
As the others leave, Rimmer pauses to talk to the young
Lister;
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You haven't got a copy of the Om Song I can take
back with me, have you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
Yeah, they're all in the car.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, what a pity. I just can't get it out of my head,
it's just so catchy! "Om!" Keep Writing those hits, kid.
(
[:np] [:ra 245]
He sings "Om!" a few more times as he leaves.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 150 as 100 pr 220 hr 10 sr 40]
What a nice guy!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Back in the photolab;
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What now?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, it'll take a few seconds for the timelines to
sort themselves out, and then we'll see if it's worked.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister starts to go transparent.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's happening! I'm disappearing!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister vanishes, followed by Cat and Kryten.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What happened?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, lister altered the timelines and lived an
entirely different life. Consequently he didn't join Red
Dwarf. Consequently the Cat Race never existed and we
never rescued Kryten, so they disappeared too.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So it's just you and me?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] For the rest of eternity.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No thanks. Find him, and bring him back.
[_<1200>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Anything?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Got im.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] tension sheet, Inventor of: Dave Lister, aged 17.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Damn!
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ninety-eight!
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] His own fault, apparently. He was making love to his
fourteenth wife and he lost control of the plane.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Have you got any photographs?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Not of that, no!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, I mean so that I can go in and bring him back.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, there is one picture reference, but you're not
going to like it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Put it on.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cheery, tacky music starts. A title appears on the monitor:
LIFESTYLES OF THE DISGUSTINGLY rich AND FAMOUS
[:nh]
On the show that shows the stairway to the stars,
heeeeeeres Blaize!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Blaize Falconberger appears on screen. She bears a startling
resemblance to Ruby Wax. In the background is a picture of
an English Mansion.
[:nb]
Hello, and welcome to Lifestyles Of The Disgustingly
Rich and Famous. Tonight we'll be looking at the world's
youngest billionaire, Mister Dave "Tension Sheet" Lister.
Behind me is Mister Lister's English mansion. He had the whole
building transported brick by brick from half a mile down
the road, just to get away from the neighbors. Now that's
the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs! The gravel in
his drive came from Buckingham Palace. Dave bought Buck
Palace and had it ground down just to line his drive. This
man has a wad so thick you could use it to beat whales to
death. He calls his home "Xanadu", not in reference to the
movie "Citizen Kane", but in tribute to the hit single by
Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich. But Dave has musical
aspirations of his own. Only last year his first single,
"Om", shot to number one when he personally purchased
three million copies. You'll never be short of an ashtray
in his house. Like many people who appear to have
everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy. Well
actually it hasn't, but we can only hope.
Now onto Doctor Bob Orkmann, father of the condom that calls
you back!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Freeze. I've seen enough.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] What you gonna do?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Rescue him.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter
bastard!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister's Mansion. His limo pulls up in the driveway. The
staff come through the passageway to the courtyard, ready
to meet their master. First out of the limo are a pair of
bodyguards, eyes shifting, talking into walkie-talkies.
then a flunky opens a car door and out steps Lister. The
head butler glides forward to meet him.
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
Mister Lister, sir. What an utter, a delight, it is to
welcome you home.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Gilbert, my man, you're looking bad, baby!
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
Indeed, sir.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're my main, main, main, main man!
[:np] [:ra 245]
As Lister strolls through to the courtyard, Gilbert rolls
his eyes in disgust.
In the courtyard is a 50 foot high statue of Lister, in
"toilet position", holding it's penis, positioned so that it
can pee into the courtyard fountain.
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
I am most awfully sorry about the statue, sir. The
contractors still haven't devised a way of making it
urinate champagne into the4 courtyard, although I am
assured that it will be fully functional for the royal
visit this week.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, get outta town! This is gonna SLAY [axm]!
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering
from the hilarity of the gag myself. It is most, [_<300>]
swiftian, [_<300>] in it's rapier-like subtlety.
[:np] [:ra 245]
later, in the dining Room, Lister is sitting at one end of
the 20 foot long dining table. his fiance, Lady Sabrina
Mulholand-JJones, is at the other.
[:nu]
Well, I told daddy today. About us, I mean.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And how did the old codger take it?
[:Nu] Not terribly well, actually. He perched himself on
top of his clay pigeon launching machine and shouted
"PULL!"
[:np] [:ra 245]
The staff enter, carrying platters of food.
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
For madam, Lobster a la Breche. For sir, a sausage
and onion gravy sandwich on white bread, with a glass of
sterilised milk.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Excellent. I used to live on these when I was in the
band.
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
As requested, sir, we helicoptered it in this
morning from Luigi's Fish [axn'ax]n Chip Emporium. An Artist
beyond comparison, sir.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Just then Rimmer appears in the corner of the room.
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
Excuse me, sir, but a
gentleman appears to have appeared in the corner of the
room.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] listy, it's me, it's me Rimmer! Rimmzy, Arnie Rimmer! Arnie,
old Iron Balls! Rimmer, Rimmer!
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
Apparently, the gentleman's name is Rimmer, sir.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Have we met?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Have we met? We're like brothers. We were shipmates
[_<350>] Red Dwarf.
You don't remember, do you?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Remember what?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Of course you don't remember, it hasn't happened,
has it?
[:nu] What hasn't happened?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sabrina Mulholand
J Jones?
[:nu] Yes?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] THE Sabrina Mulholand-JJones? Model, best-selling
novelist and international jet-setter?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. She's me bird.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] "She's Me bird?" You talk about the Duke of Lincon's
eldest daughter as "Me bird"?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Gilbert, will you escort Mister Rommer to the door?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But I came here to save you!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Throw him out, Gilbert. He's a nutter.
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
if you would care to step this way, sir?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But we were friends! We were buddies!
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
Let's not have a scene. sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You call this happiness? Surrounded by toadying
lackeys and paid sycophants? Living with a love-goddess
sex-bomb model megastar? You call this contentment? You
know, I stand here and I look at the two of us, and I ask
one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your
fifty-eight houses, your private island in the bahamas,
your multi-billion pound business empire, or me, with [_<300>]
with [_<200>] with What, I've got. It's you isn't it? Yes it's all very
clear to me now, You're Richer and happier
[:nd] [:dv br 30 ap 80 hr 20 sr 20 f5 42 b4 30]
This way, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I should have thought a bit harder about that speech,
really. I cocked it up a bit didn't I?
[:np] [:ra 245]
He steps back a pace and vanishes,
Back in the photo-lab:
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Any luck?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Useless. Didn't listen, didn't even recognise me,
just thought I was some neurotic deranged crazy madman.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] You sure he didn't recognise you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Wait a tension-popping minute! If Lister can do it,
why can't I? these photographs! there's one here
somewhere of me at boarding school, aged eight. I can
invent the tension sheet before him. I can get there
first!
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] But then you'll disappear and become incredibly
wealthy, and Lister will be sent hurtling back through
time.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, and the Cat and Kryten will be brought back
into existence. true, as a byproduct I will become mega-
Rich and be forced to have constant sex with that
JJones woman, but that's a sacrifice I'm prepared to make.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
The slide is on. It shows a darkened public school dormitory
Rimmer pauses in front of the screen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, torch.
[:np] [:ra 245]
The torch appears in his hand and he steps into the photo.
As he walks along the row of beds, he shines his torch on
name-plates. He pauses by the foot of Freddy Holden's bed.
The name has been crossed out and replaced in a schoolboy
scrawl with "Thicky". In the bed beside that one is a boy
wearing boxing gloves and cuddling a teddy. The nickname
on his name-plate is "BoneHead". the crossed-out name is
"Arnold Rimmer". Rimmer squats down beside his younger self.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [Pssst.] Wake up!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] What is it? Who are you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, don't be afraid. I'm going to make you rich.
[:np] [:ra 245]
In the bed behind him, Thicky Holden stirs. At the word
"rich", he sits up and pays attention.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All you've got to do is listen very, very carefully.
[:np] [:ra 245]
the young rimmer nods.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right, this is the plan. you're going to invent a
thing called "the Tension Sheet".
[:np] [:ra 245]
thicky intrudes.
[:nk]
Thension Sheet?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] T, T! T; Tension, TEN shun sheet! Will you shut up? I'm trying
to talk to the Kid!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he Turns back to his younger self.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Are you listening?
They're little sheets of paper with lots of air bubbles in them.
[:nk] Like you get in packing paper?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, do you mind, holden? this is a private
conversation. Go back to sleep!
[:np] [:ra 245]
turning again
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
they're exactly the same as the ones you
get in [_<200>] packing paper, but you paint
them red.
[:nk] Why red?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Because it helps people relax! Will you shut up, I'm
trying to make the kid rich!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He notices that young Arnold
is having great difficulty writing.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You'd write better if
you took off Your boxing gloves. Now, have you got all that?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] I fink so.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] First thing tomorrow, take the idea down to the
patent office.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] I can't. Not first fing in the morning. I've
got extra rugby practice because I'm so wet.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Damn! Allright, then, lunchtime.
Take it at lunchtime, okay? I've got to go now! Don't mess this up!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] No, sir.
[:np] [:ra 245]
rimmer gives the kid a full-rimmer salute, then leaves.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer emerges from the picture, singing.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[ow<200,13>yxeh<400,17>s'ow<200,13>yxeh<400,20>s'ow<200,13>yxeh<800,25>s _<100> ih<200,20>f ay<100,17> wrr<100,20> ax<200,17> rih<400,20>ch mae<800,25>n _<200> dax<200,25>bax dax<200,23>bax dax<200,20> dax<200,17>bax dax<200,15>bax dax<200,14>bax dax<800,13>m]
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Worked then did it?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, though it pains me dearly, I'll be having to
say "ta-ta". Ta-Ta to your stupid gormless face, ta-ta to
poverty, Ta-Ta, failure, hello Sabrina, hello, sexual ecstasy.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister, Kryten and Cat start to form.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Aha. here they come, bang on time. Well, gentlemen,
just enough time for me to say "toodly pipsky". I'll be
disappearing any moment now.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What happened?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Here it comes, [_<400>] any moment.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's he talking about?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Any moment, [_<300>] now?
[:np] [:ra 245]
The others leave, shaking their heads.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] It hasn't worked. According to our data bank, you
didn't invent the tension sheet. It was invented by a
gentleman named "Thicky Holden".
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] All you've gone and done is put things back exactly
as they were.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why does nothing ever go
right for me?
Every time i get so
much as a snifter of a break, a glimpse of a shadow of
happiness, something inexplicably cruel and horrible
happens and it all blows up in my face.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Hang on a mo, something is different. Don't ask me
why, but somehow you're no longer a hologram. You're alive!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What?
[:np] [:ra 245]
He feels his forehead. No aich. He feels the walls, the table,
the monitor screen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm alive! I'm alive!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He runs over to the bench and takes a huge bite out of
Hitler's sandwich.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the
puncture repair kit! I'm alive!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He runs out into the corridor, touching the walls and the
stacks of crates for the sheer joy of being able to touch
again.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm alive! I can touch, I can feel, i can fondle,
I'm alive! don't you think it's incredible? I'm alive!!!
[:np] [:ra 245]
As he says this last, he brings his fists down hard on two
innocuous looking crates labelled "Explosives". The
others, halfway down the corridor, hear an explosion. They
look back down the corridor at the smoke and scattered bits
of Arnold J. Rimmer.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What was he saying?
[_<1200>]
[:np]
the end