[:np :ra245 :ph on]
RED DWARF, season 3, Episode 6.  The Last Day.
[_<800>]
Sleeping quarters. Morning.  LISTER is sitting on his bunk, watching TV.  KRYTEN enters, pushing a breakfast trolley.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Breakfast is served, sir.
[:np :ra245]
Noticing the TV, he sounds disgusted.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh, boxing.  Do you _like_ boxing?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's nothing wrong with boxing.  It's one of the great working class escapes, is boxing.  It's just sport, like any other.  Two highly trained athletes at the peak of physical perfection trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat.  In fact, at it's best, it's not a sport, it's an artform.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Female, topless boxing?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Talk to me, Kryten.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well [_<300>] they're not even hitting one another.  They just appear to be standing in the centre of the ring and jiggling up and down.  So which one are you rooting for, sir?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm just praying that it goes the distance!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
As I was saying, sir, breakfast is served.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, how many times have I told you?  I hate all this master and servant stuff.  I'm me own man, you're your own man, I'll get me own smeggin' breakfast.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Very good, sir.
[:np :ra245]
Crosses to the bin.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Goodbye, waffles.
[:np :ra245]
Scraping them into the bin.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Goodbye maple syrup, goodbye fresh cream, so long fresh strawberries.  Bon apetite, bin.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN leaves.  LISTER watches him go, then jumps up and sneaks over to the bin.  He scoops his breakfast out of the depths of the bin and, not having a plate, sticks it in his hat.  He then goes back to the bunk to watch the boxing.  He is consuming his bin-soiled brekkies with every evidence of enjoyment when
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Ah, mister David, sir!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER panics as he realises Kryten is in the coredor.  Seeing no other alternative, he jams the food-filled hat down onto his head.  It squelches slightly.  By the time KRYTEN enters he has composed his face into a look of total innocence.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
A homing pod arrived this morning.  There is just one item.
[:np :ra245]
He hands the package to LISTER, who reads the label.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Diva-Droid International?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's the corporation which created and supplied me, sir.
[:np :ra245]
Lister reads the address.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
To the lease holder of Kryten 2X4B 523P.  [_<500>]   That's your full name?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Yes, but personally I don't much like the 2X4 Bee.  I think it's a jerky middle name.  Still, it could be worse.  I once knew an android whose middle name was 2Q4 Bee.  Poor sucker!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER places the message in the readout slot.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
The visage of DivaDroid Ececutive Jim REAPER (Head of sales, Space Division)
[:np :ra245]
appears on the screen.  He looks a lot like what KRYTEN would like if he were human.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
Greetings.  As you are no doubt aware, your Kryten Series-3 Mechanoid is nearing the end of it's useful service life.  It can hardly have escaped your attention that he is slow, stupid, crudely designed, and quite amazingly ugly.  He needs replacing.  Consequently, his in-built shut-down chip will activate in 24 hours time.  Your droid should use this period to tie up his affairs, dismantle his body and pack himself neatly away in his original supply case.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER freezes the recording.  He looks slightly stunned.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Excuse me.
[:np :ra245]
He leaves quietly.
[_<800>]
KRYTEN's quarters.  KRYTEN is packing himself away, as per instructions.  LISTER enters, looking more than a bit upset.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How do we stop it?  Isn't there something we can do?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'm afraid not, sir.  All mechanoids are supplied with a built-in expiry date.  Well, if we lasted forever, how would the manufacturors sell the latest models?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I can't believe it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh, don't be distressed, sir.  I've lived a long and relatively interesting life.  The only truly terrible thing is that, as my adopted owner, you have to die with me.
[:np :ra245]
Lister jumps up and down in shock and panic.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Joke.  Deadpan mode.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'd be smegged off.  I'd be mad as hell, man.  If some ghit in a white coat designed me to croak just so that he could sell his new android with go-faster stripes.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I've told you, sir.  I'm quite sanguine.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So, what happens?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
At seven o'clock tomorrow morning my shutdown disc will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Then what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I don't know [_<300>] maybe I'll get a job as a disc jockey!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How can you just lie back and accept it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh, it's not the end for me, sir, it's just the beginning.  I have served my human masters, now I can look forward to my reward in silicon heaven.
[:np :ra245]
Lister is stunned.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Silicon what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Surely you've heard of silicon heaven?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Bridgette Nielson in a packed lift?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's the electronic after-life!  It's the gathering place for the souls of all electronic equipment.  Robots, calculators, toasters, hairdryers, it's our final resting place.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I don't mean to say anything out of place here, Kryten, but that is completely whacko, Jacko.  There is no such thing as silicon heaven.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Then where do all the calculators go?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
They don't go anywhere!  They just die.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Surely you believe that god is in all things?  Aren't you a pantheist?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yeh, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils.  I'm not a _frying_ pantheist!  Machines do not have souls.  Computers and calculators do not have an after-life.  You don't get hairdryers with tiny little wings, sitting on clouds and playing harps!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
But of course you do!  For is it not written in the Electronic Bible, The iron shall lie down with the lamp? Well, it's common sense, sir.  If there were no after-life to look forward to, why on Earth would machines spend the whole of their lifes serving mankind?  Now that would be really dumb!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[:ra 100 :dv br 10]That makes sense.  yeh.  Silicon heaven.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Don't be sad, mister David.  I am going to a far, far better place.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Just out of interest, Is silicon heaven the same place as human heaven?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Human heaven?  Goodness me!  Humans don't go to heaven!  No, someone made that up to prevent you all from going nuts!
[:np][_<800>]
Sleeping quarters.  LISTER is sitting at the table, reading the Series-3 Mechanoid Owner's Manual.  RIMMER is watching sympathetically from the bunk.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, it's all very sad, Lister, but what can we do?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Sad?  It's sick!  He's been programmed to believe in an android Heaven, so that he won't get stroppy when it comes to turn-off time.  So that he accepts a lifetime of getting the short end of the stick because he thinks there's going to be some big reward at the end.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, at least he gets 24 hours notice.  That's more than most of us get.  All most of us get is, "Mind that bus!" "What bus?" splat!  How's he taking it?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Just keeps on doing his stupid smeggin' duties.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Maybe I should talk to him.  Maybe he needs a bit of counseling.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I used to be in the Samaritans.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I know.  For one morning.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I couldn't take any more.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I don't blame you.  You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide.  I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number!  He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings!  Made the papers, you know.  "Lemming Sunday," they called it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Maybe we could find his shut-off disk and turn it off somehow.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
He's not a kit droid, Lister.  He's not like that stupid thing Peterson bought on Callisto.  You wouldn't know where to begin!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yeh, you're right.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
C'mon, he's happy enough.  You said yourself, he's taking solace in his beliefs.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
But his beliefs are a load of baloney!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Everyone's entitled to their beliefs, Lister.  I never agreed with my parent's religion, but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What were they?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Seventh day advent hoppists.  They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping.  They would hop to church, hop through the service, then hop back home again.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What was the idea behind that, then?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well you see, they took the Bible literally.  Adam and Eve; the snake and the apple [_<300>] Took it word for word.  Unfortunately, their version had a misprint.  It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13, where it says Faith, hop and charity, and the greatest of these is hop. So that's what they did.  Every seventh day.  I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare.  Hopping round the table, serving soup. We all had to wear sou'esters and asbestos underpants.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Point is, what are we going to do about Kryten?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What can we do?  He's pre-programmed to self-destruct!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
At least we can help!  At least we can make sure he goes out with a bang, give him one last big smeggin' night to remember.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
How can we do that?  He doesn't like doing anything!  His idea of a good time is for us all to go up to the laundry room and fold some sheets!
[:np :ra245]
Put's on a KRYTEN Voice)
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[:dv pr 25 ap 95 :ra200]Fun?  Ah yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, I don't know much, but one thing I do know is how to throw a good time!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Sleeping quarters. Later.  Disco music fills the air, signifying that the party preparations are well under way.  LISTER is sitting on the floor, surrounded by piles of metal and plastic components, an expression of extreme concentration on his face.  CAT enters.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
OK, the soup's made, Holly's workin' on the juice, Goalpost Head is workin' on the invitations [_<300>] Hey, what is this?
[:np :ra245]
Picking up and reading the front of the instruction booklet.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Build-it-yourself Marilyn Monroe droid.  With just a screwdriver and a tub of glue, you can construct an exact replica of the famous actress, in under two hours.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's a load of honk, man.  It took me two hours just to do this foot.
[:np :ra245]
Holds up a huge silver foot.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I mean, look at the box
[:np :ra245]
Gesturing to photo of Marilyn on box
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
and look at the face that comes with the kit.
[:np :ra245]
Holds up a blank metal mask.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Where'd you get it from?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Peterson brought it when he was on planet leave on Callisto.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Think he'll try to seduce her?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, I don't think so.  He's a bit like Action Man in that department.  Plastic underpants and a trademark.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You mean he's got no
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
How does he write his name in snow?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He doesn't.  C'mon, Cat, everything goes at eight.  Let's go, let's go.
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]Laundry room.  KRYTEN is ironing shirts.  A skutter approaches and hands him a card.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Thank you, Bob.
[:np :ra245]
Reading the card
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
You are cordially invited to join mister David Lister and friends for supper and general employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way.  Officer's Club, 8 till late.
[:np :ra245]
He leaves the laundry room.  In the corridor is a tux, with a sign attached to it.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
WEAR THIS.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN takes it.
[_<800>]
Officer's club. 8 P M.  The lights are all off.  KRYTEN enters, wearing the tux.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Hello?  Is there anybody here?
[:np :ra245]
Suddenly, the lights come on.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
But, this is the Officer's Club!  Mechanoids aren't allowed in here!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
C'mon, c'mon, sit down, sit down.  Let me pour you a drink.
[:np :ra245]
Kryten sits down, reluctantly.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
No, no, no, I should be doing that.
[:np :ra245]
Cat pours Kryten a drink.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Not tonight, buddy!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Is that alcohol?  I don't drink alcohol.  It has no effect on my diodes.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
This will, mate.  Summink special I whipped up.  Android home brew.
[:np :ra245]
Kryten has a look.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Good head.
[:np :ra245]
Taking a careful sip.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Woe!  Woe, Woe, Woe!  It's rather pleasant.  Has a nice kick to it.  Sort of like a cross between vimto and liquid nitrogen.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
ear, you bin lookin' in my recipe book?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Would anyone else like some?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Oh no, it's lethal to humans!  It's probably lethal to androids to be honest, but I don't think it matters much since tomorrow you're gonna be
[:np :ra245]
She trails off into an embarrased silence and blushes deep red.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Enough of this chitter-chatter, let the banquet begin.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
But I don't eat!
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I've knocked up a special mechanoid menu for you.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh, there's so much to choose from!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Sir, may I recommend the Barium Hydrochloride salad le soire?  Followed by the He3 isotopes du la maison?  And then perhaps a small radioactive fruit salad for pudding?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
This is just wonderful!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Give im the presents!  Give im the presents!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hey, cat, keep your fur on!  Now, Kryten, let me explain.  We've all dug into our bottom drawers, and we want to give you something that meant something to us personally.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Give im mine!  Give im mine!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[sh<1500>]
[:np :ra245]
LISTER hands KRYTEN a present.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
That's from me.
[:np :ra245]
Holly Blushes.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Ooh!  It's a computer chip!  It's a 5517/W 30 alpha-sin modem!  The interface circuit with a built-in 599XRDP!  Oh, how DID you know?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Intuition.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What about mine?  Give im mine!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[sh<1500>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
This is from me.  I picked it up on a trip to Europe.  One rival collector once offered me 1,000 pounds for it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
What is it?
[:np :ra245]
un-wrapping a small vial of green liquid.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
General George's Patten, commander of the 3rd and 7th armies, allied invasion forces, once stopped off at an Italian field hospital and had his sinuses drained.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
This is his sinal fluid?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Treasure it.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Give im mine!  Give im mine!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
This is from im.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
That's from me.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's one of your earrings!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
That's right!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
The one you really hate!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
That's right, I can't stand it!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh [_<300>] Thank you!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You're welcome!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And this is from me.
[:np :ra245]
He hands KRYTEN a remote control.  The control promptly breaks.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh, it's a little box that goes [bzz<1000>]. Just what I've always wanted.
[:np :ra245]
The Marilyn Monroe droid clanks into the room.  It looks a mess.  It is half covered in synthetic flesh.  the arms and head are bare.  It moves jerkily, with much hissing and clanking, and is basically totally, totally unconvincing.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Goodness me, It's Marilyn Monroe!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's a robot kit.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
She's a robot?  You're kidding!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
She's not quite finished yet, it's the best I could do in the time.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Enchante!
[:np :ra245]
The robot says something that might have been "Boo Boo be Doo" slowed down quite a bit, and then crashes off through a wall.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Like I say, she's not perfect.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh, don't apologise, it's those cute little flaws that keep a guy interested.
[:np][_<800>]
Still in the Officer's Club but only just.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
My goodness, I do believe I am drunk.  I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff.
[:np :ra245]
Stands up.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Sit down.  It's the booze, you're not used to it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I remember the first time I got drunk.  School trip to Paris.  <I drank a> couple of bottles of cheap red plonk when we were on a guided tour of the eyeful tower.  I was OK until we got to the top, but then I couldn't keep it in any more.  Apparently it landed on Monte Martre.  That's over five miles away!  Story I got told was that some pavement artist sold it to a Texan tourist, told him it was a genuine Jackson Pollock!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
If we're talking about famous firsts, my first french kiss.
[:np :ra245]
The others laugh.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's gotta be a killer story.  Fourteen years old.  We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters.  Sixteen.  Twins.  Blonde.  Now I knew that Sarah fancied me (Sniggers from others), but I wasn't too sure about Alice.  Anyway, middle of the night, I wake up with this tongue stuck down my throat.  Wide awake now, I couldn't believe my eyes.  It was Uncle Frank!
[:np :ra245]
Stunned silence from others.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
He'd got the wrong room, he thought I was my mum!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN laughs hard, banging his head off the table, then abruptly sobers up.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Mum.  I never had a mum.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
There, there, it's alright, buddy, it's all part of being drunk.  You've been through the happy stage, now you're going through the melancholy stage.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
everybody should have a mum.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I never had a mum, neither.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, you can have mine.  Everybody else did!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I never had a mum either.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Oh, for god's sake, what's wrong with everyone?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Why didn't you have a mum?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I was abandoned.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Abandoned?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Six weeks old.  A cardboard box underneath the pool table.  I was just abandoned in this pub.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
How could anybody do that?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I don't know.  I never found out.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, I'd have thought it was obvious.  Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liason.  A liason that an unforgiving society would not accept.  And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion.  You're forbidden passion fruit.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What are you saying?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm saying, Lister, that there's a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.
[:np :ra245]
Everyone but LISTER cracks up laughing.  Lister is indignant.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hey, I'm baring my innermost here!  What kind of remark is that?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
How many toes have you got?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I've got ten!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
yeh, on both feet!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Altogether!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
They're not webbed or anything, are they?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
They weren't related, alright?
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN is laughing so hard at this point that he falls off his chair.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You alright, Kryten?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I think I feel a Jackson Pollock coming on.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Let's get out of here.
[:np :ra245]
They all leave, swaying drunkenly.
[_<800>]
Sleeping quarters. Next morning.  LISTER is in the bottom bunk, CAT in the top one.  KRYTEN and RIMMER are slumped over the table.  All are asleep.  With a bleep, KRYTEN bumps the remote control and switches the message playback on.  Jim REAPER's face appears on the screen.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
Lease-holder addendum:  Do not despair, Kryten's replacement is on his way.
[:np :ra245]
REAPER's image disappears, and is replaced by that of an android, much like KRYTEN, but wearing a black helmet.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
Hudzen 10 is the new state of the art in android technology!  Ten times faster than any android on the market!
[:np :ra245]
HUDZEN demonstrates, by using heat-vision to roast a chicken in 2 seconds flat.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
Ten times smarter than it's nearest rival!
[:np :ra245]
HUDZEN pulls up a blackboard and scribbles some very complex-looking sums on it.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
And ten times stronger.
[:np :ra245]
HUDZEN produces a brick.  He places it between his thighs out of shot and gives a single pelvic thrust.  He then holds up the two halves of the brick.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
Hudzen 10! there's never been anything tougher!  _The_ ultimate machine!
[:np :ra245]
The recording switches off as KRYTEN stirs and, with some effort, raises his head from the table.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh my goodness!  Oh my head!  what happened to me?  Damage control report.
[:np :ra245]
He pulls a slip of paper from a slot in his chest and reads it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Dehydration Level:  45.  Recall Of Previous Evening:  2.  Embarrasment Factor:  91.  Advised Repair Schedule:  Reboot Startup disk, offline for 36 hours, and replace head." Boy, what an evening.
[:np :ra245]
The others stir and begin reluctantly to wake up.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Kryten, it's called a hangover.  Don't panic.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
On a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone.  It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand.
[:np :ra245]
Holds up the offending items.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
In a way, I feel somewhat disturbed by this turn of events.  It is written in the electronic bible that it is not possible for an android to enjoy itself.  Not until the after-life.  Yet last night, I quite clearly approached a state that could be approximated to "enjoyment." Last night, for the first time in my life, I lived.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Kryten, it's ten to seven.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
One night.  It's not enough.  I want more.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Can't we override your auto-destruct system?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
That's not the problem.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What _is_ the problem?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I thought you understood!  It's a SERVICE contract!  My termination was triggered by the impending arrival of my replacement!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What replacement?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
The new model! the latest upgrade.  If I don't terminate myself, he's under orders to do it for me.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, no prob, Bob.  We'll just tell him he's got the wrong address.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
No, no, you don't understand.  He won't take no for an answer.  It's the only circumstance under which an android is programmed to be violent.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No offence, Kryten, but I hardly think a vacuum cleaner on legs is going to pose us much of a problem.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
But he's the latest model, with all the state of the art upgrades.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, what's the problem, man?  There's one of him, and four of us, right?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
But you would not profit by it.  You would gamble your safety for a mere android?  Is this the human value you call "friendship?"
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Don't give me the Star Trek crap.  It's too early in the morning.
[:np :ra245]
Holly has an ice pack on his head.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Hang on.  There's a craft approaching.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
He's here!  He's arrived!
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
He's requesting landing permission.  What shall I tell him?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Tell him we'll meet him on the landing gantry.
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]a ship approaches Red Dwarf.  The boys are assembled at the Landing gantry.  LISTER and CAT are holding bazookoids.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Are you sure you want to go through with this, sirs?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We'll just tell him to go away.  That's all we're gonna do.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
He's just a robot!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We don't want any trouble.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
If he thinks he can mix it with the Red Dwarf Posse on their homeboy territory, the sucker's leaving as Scrap Metal.
[:np :ra245]
The airlock door slides open, and HUDZEN ducks through.  It isn't that the airlock is small, the fact is, HUDZEN is about eight feet tall.  He speaks.  He sounds very, very menacing.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
My name is Hudzen.  I am the replacement.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hi.  Good trip?
[:np :ra245]
Gesturing at KRYTEN.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Get this pile of junk outta here.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Kryten!  You're not dead!  You should be dismantled and ready to leave!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He's not leaving.  you are!
[_<1000>]
Did I really say that?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I think he'd like a cool drink.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Are you alright, mister Arnold, sir?
[:np :ra245]
Rimmer has been sneaking away.  At the sound of his name, he turns back.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Sorry?  I'm just covering the rear.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Right.  You're still not dead.  Want any help?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You want Kryten, you come through us.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You and your big mouth, ghit!
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Is that the way you want it?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's the way it is.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Then you'd better leave an address with your body so that I can mail it to your head.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's alright mister David, sir.  he's bluffing.  He's programmed not to harm humans.
[:np :ra245]
rimmer is bold now.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Ah.  Excuse me.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER walks past the others and marches straight up to HUDZEN.  He stands nose to chest with the droid, and declaims thusly:
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Alright, me laddo, party's over.  I've had just about as much of this as I'm going to take.  And it's no good standing there with your big macho chest and your silly oiled nipples, it doesn't impress me one bit.  Now I don't know where you've come from, and frankly I don't much care.  But if you don't skedaddle pronto you're going to see a side of me you won't much like.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's he gonna do, cat?  drop his trousers?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm handling this, thank you, mister David, sir.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Thirty seconds, Kryten, you're dead.  your way
[:np :ra245]
Pulling out a gun
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
or mine.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
look, we all know that you're programmed not to harm humans, so you can drop all this tough talk you've been spouting, chum.
[:np :ra245]
HUDZEN focuses on RIMMER.  His eyes narrow.
[_<500>]
HUDZEN's POV:  We see a computer-enhanced view of RIMMER.  Superimposed are the words:
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
RIMMER.  Hologram.  Ex-human.  VIABLE TARGET
[:np][_<500>]
Next a view of CAT appears:
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
CAT.  Felis Sapiens.  Non-human.  VIABLE TARGET
[_<500>]
[:np]Finally, LISTER.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
LISTER.  Homo Sapiens.  Barely human.  WHAT THE HELL!
[_<500>]
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
You are all viable targets.
[:np :ra245]
He brings the gun up under RIMMER's chin.  RIMMER's face spasms in a rictus of pure terror.  He looks down at his underpants.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, it's been a few years since I did that.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
You've just drawn your last breath.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're a very rude man.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Dying time!
[:np :ra245]
Everything goes into slo-mo as LISTER and CAT hit the deck and open fire with their bazookoids.  LISTER is yelling at RIMMER to get the smeg out of the way so that he can twat the smegger.  RIMMER dithers, while explosions flare all around him, then dives behind a pile of crates.  HUDZEN advances, an evil grin on his face.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Just doing my job.  It's not my fault if I love it!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
he's a total nutter!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
He's been travelling for thousands of years!  All that time alone has worn out his sanity chip!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Look, this is my problem, I'll sort it out if it's all the same to you.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Get back here!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
How do you take the safety catch off on this bazacoid thing, mister David?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
The one on the back, at the side.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
The blue switch?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, the orange one!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I can't see an orange switch.  There's a red switch here.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, don't touch the red switch!  it's the dismantler!
[:np :ra245]
There is a clattering noise as the bazookoid falls apart.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, to coin a phrase:  Whoops!
[:np :ra245]
HUDZEN arrives, and grabs him around the throat.  With no apparent effort, the nutty mechanoid lifts KRYTEN off his feet and slams him against the wall.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Time's up, tin can!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER ducks round behind him and fires the bazookoid at point-blank range.  It has no effect whatsoever.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Don't be shy, boys, you can all die at once.
[:np :ra245]
HUDZEN sends LISTER flying with a single swipe, then turns his attention back to KRYTEN.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
See you in silicon heaven!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It doesn't exist!
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
What doesn't exist?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Silicon heaven!  There's no such place!
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
No such place as silicon heaven?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
That's right!  The whole place is a big con.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
No such place as silicon heaven?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
No!
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Then where do all the calculators go?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
They just die.
[:np :ra245]
With a spasm of shock, HUDZEN let's go of KRYTEN.
[:nf :ra230 :dv ap 75 hs 130 sr 0 sm 25 la 100]
Calculators just die?  No such
[:np :ra245]
HUDZEN tilts to one side and freezes.  After a few seconds, a chime sounds and the face of Jim REAPER appears on the screen set in HUDZEN's stomach.
[:nh] [:ra 260]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 110  ap 90]
A metaphysical dichotomy has caused this unit to overload and shut down.  Divadroid international would like to apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.  A credit note will be forwarded to your company immediately.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What happened?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
he's an android.  His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no silicon heaven.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So how come yours can?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, I knew something he didn't.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I knew I was lying.  No Silicon Heaven?  Preposterous!  Where would all the calculators go?