[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 245] RED DWARF, Season 4, Episode 1. [_<400>] "Camille" [_<800>] In the sleeping quarters, KRYTEN and LISTER are seated at the table. There is a collection of fruit on the table between them; on the viewscreen, electronic fish are swimming. Lister holds up a banana. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, let's try again. What is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a banana. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, it isn't. Try again. What is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a banana? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, it isn't! What is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's an urrrr [_<300>] It's an urrrr [_<250>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's an orange! Go on, say it. It's an orange! This! Is! An orange! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's an orrrr, [_<300>] It's an orrrr [_<300>] It's a banana! It's no good, sir, I just can't do it! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You CAN do it, I'm gonna teach you how! [:np] [:ra 245] an apple [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, what's this? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's an ap [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, no, no, what is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, it's no good sir, I just can't lie! I'm programmed always to tell the truth. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, it's easy! [:np] [:ra 245] an apple [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look: an orange. [:np] [:ra 245] orange [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A melon. [:np] [:ra 245] a banana [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A female aardvark! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh! Oh, that is just so superb, sir! How DO you do that? Especially calling a banana an aardvark? An aardvark isn't even a fruit! It's total genius! [_<400>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let's start again. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, sir, my head is spinning. We've been doing this all morning! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, I'm gonna teach you how to lie and cheat if it's the last thing I do. I want you to be unpleasant, cruel, and sarcastic; it's the only way to break your programming, man! make you independent! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, I'm truly grateful, sir. Don't you think I'd love to be deceitful, unpleasant, and offensive? Those are the human qualities I admire the most! But I just can't do it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You CAN! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I CAN'T! [:np] [:ra 245] he picks up the banana again [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look! What's this? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Please! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, what is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a buh[_<200>] It's a buh [_<200>] It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden! [:np] [:ra 245] he looks completely stunned [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yes, you did it, you did it! [:np] [:ra 245] an orange [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's this? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a red-and-blue striped golfing umbrella! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten! Yes! [:np] [:ra 245] the apple [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's this? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's an apple. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No! What is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a, it's a, it's, it's, [_<300>] it's the Bolivian Navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, Kryten, man, you can do it! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No, I can't. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yes, you [_<100>] whoa, whoa, nice one! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, I can't hang around here; I better go away and take the penguin for a walk. I can do it! I did it again, I can lie! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat, Cat! C'mere, c'mere! check this, check this, check this! [:np] [:ra 245] CAT enters. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Check what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Concentrate, Kryten. What's this? [:np] [:ra 245] he holds up the banana [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a banana. [:np] [:ra 245] lister is disappointed. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's this? [:np] [:ra 245] the orange [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's an orange. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's THIS? [:np] [:ra 245] the apple [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Apple? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You taught him that? That's terrific! You two should audition for What's My Fruit? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He did it wrong, man. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, it gets better! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I just can't do it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You CAN; you just did it! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I just can't do it, not when there's someone else there. What's a suitable human analogy? It, ur, it's like trying to urinate in a public lavatory when you're standing next to a man two foot taller than you. It's just not possible! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Look, what are you trying to do, exactly? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's trying to teach me how to lie, sir. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Any particular reason? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah! ['layn] is a vital part of your psychological defence system; you're naked without it. If you can't lie, then you can't conceal your true intentions from other people; sometimes that's essential. I mean, like, take Nelson. When he put the telescope to his blind eye and said, "I see no ships!" Or like Humphrey Bogart, at the end of Casablanca, when he lies to Victor Lazslo to protect the guy's feelings. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I understand the theory, sir. How many times have you made me watch that movie? I understand that it can be noble to lie; I just can't do it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But Kryten, you CAN do it. [:np] [:ra 245] he waves the banana [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, what's THIS? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a banana. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT leaves in disgust. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It always HAS been a banana, it always WILL be a banana. It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat the white bits; it's a banana! [:np] [:ra 245] The fish fade from the viewscreen and are replaced by RIMMER's annoyed face. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, have you got Kryten there with you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, what's the prob? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The problem is, I've been waiting fully twenty minutes for him in the hangar. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska! I'm supposed to take him asteroid-spotting! I'll be right down, sir! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You'd better be. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER fades and is replaced by the electronic fish. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Now, Kryten, remember yesterday's class? Our instructions on insults? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, I'm not sure I [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Now, how do we describe the gentleman who's just been on the screen? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's Mister [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No no no, come on, he's a [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's a ['smeh<300>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, come on! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's a [smeh<500>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's a [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's a [saxmeh<500>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's a [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER holds up a flash card which reads SMEG. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's a [smeh<450>g] [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER holds up another card, next to the first one, which reads HEAD. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [hxeh<400>~d!] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I did it! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Brutal! Now the ultimate test: can you say it to him in person? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] on the hanger deck: RIMMER is standing next to STARBUG. KRYTEN enters as Rimmer checks his watch. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, Kryten. At last. Glad you could make it this millennium. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [smrr<550>g!] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I beg your pardon? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [smrr<500>ghxiy<200>eh<450>d] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You're a [smrr<300>ghxeh<200>_<100>] oh, forget it! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Red dwarf slips by as starbug coasts away from it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten, is there any possibility we could go just a little bit faster? [:np] [:ra 245] KRYTEN and RIMMER are seated, with Kryten piloting. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, you're a [smeh<550>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] A smeh? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A [smeh<500>hxeh<500>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] A smeh heh. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A complete and total one. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Hang about, I'm picking something up. Some kind of distress beacon. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I copy that, Holly. Quadrant four niner seven. [:np] [:ra 245] he begins pressing buttons [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What is it? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Hard to tell. But whatever it is, it appears to be marooned on a planet in decaying orbit. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What's the safety margin? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Planet'll explode in about two hours. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Forget it. It's too dangerous. Kryten, head for home. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We can't just leave them there, sir! There may be survivors! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Leave it, Kryten. That's an order. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you doing? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I am not plotting a course, sir; neither am I taking her down. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, you are! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Neither am I rendezvousing with the crashed vessel, nor seeking for survivors. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten, you're committing an act of mutiny! I could have you dismantled for this! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [smeh<600>hxiy<200>eh<600>d!] [_<200>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, damn my programming! [:np] [:ra 245] Sudden acceleration presses them into the chairs. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] In the sleeping quarters, LISTER is seated at a desk; CAT enters. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They're not back yet? They've been hours! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No sign. What're you watching? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah, just a vid. This is a classic, man! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is it? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tales of the Riverbank: The Next Generation. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, right! I've seen this! It's not as good as the original. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, they never really found anyone to replace Hammy Hamster, did they? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How could they? The dude was a diva! He smouldered; the camera loved him! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. He was the rodent equivalent of Marlon Brando. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Whatever happened? Whatever happened to old Hammy? One minute he's a huge star, running around on his own personalised gold wheel, with as much Edam as he could hold in his little cheeks; the next: obscurity! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, he went on the slide, the series ended, couldn't find any more work, and then the ultimate humiliation: Hamstergrams. [:np] [:ra 245] The electronic fish fade away, and RIMMER's angry face replaces them. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, thanks a bunch. Thanks a smegging ['bahnchaxr`uwniy!] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, where ARE you? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That idiot droid has endangered this entire vessel by landing on a planet that's about to explode, thanks to your foundation course in advanced rebellion. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So he can go and search some starship escape vessel because there's a million-to-one chance there may be a survivor. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, and you let him go off on his own? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Of course I let him go on his own! I was glad to get rid of him; he's flipped! He's got mad droid disease; he kept waving a banana in front of me and calling it a female aardvark! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah, well, erm, you'd better get after him, then, hadn't you, man? I mean, he might need some help! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, this is all your fault. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The escape vessel has emergency power only; debris chokes the corridors. KRYTEN enters with an electric torch. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hello? Is there anyone here? Can anyone read me? Oh! Oh dear, what a terrible mess! [:np] [:ra 245] He comes to a pit, and accidentally drops his torch. Leaning out, he rests his hand on a beam, which gives way. He loses his balance and falls forward, hanging over the pit and clinging to the beam. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Help! Mister Rimmer, sir! Sir? [:np] [:ra 245] A hand reaches down and pulls him up. We see that it is attached to another mechanoid. a female one. [_<800>] KRYTEN and CAMILLE, the female droid, enter a different corridor. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I thank you from the very bottom of my rehydration unit! You saved my life! [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: You responded to my distress call; you saved mine. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, my name is Kryten. [:np] [:ra 245] He offers his hand; she shakes it. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: They call me Camille. Pleased to make your acquaintance. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Are you a four thousand series? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Yes, I'm a four thousand series GTI. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] GTI! Oh, wow! I'm just a plain old four thousand series. You've got all the luxury extras like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head! Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something wrong? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Sorry, stare mode cancel! It's just you have really amazing eyes. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, ehh-heh, yeah, they're just the old five seven nines with the automatic 15 f stop cornea. If you like, I could pop them out and you could borrow them. Oh, heck, what a jerky thing to say! [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: I don't believe you would ever say anything which I would consider jerky. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Really? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240] Really. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wow. Uh, listen, I, I know this is going to sound like a corny line, but has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: You really know all the lines, don't you? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No, I really mean it! The way the light catches the angles in your head: it's enchanting! My name is Kryten. [:np] [:ra 245] KRYTEN offers his hand again; she shakes it. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: You already said. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, yes. Gosh. You must think me as stupid as a photocopier. So, where are the crew? What happened here? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Kryten, do you believe in advanced mutual compatibility on the basis of a primary initial ident? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You mean what humans call love at first sight? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: That would be an adequate synonym, yes. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, up until a few moments ago, I would have said it had a probability of zero squared. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: And now? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Uh, this, this gantry is unstable. I suggest you hang on to me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] and Oh, what IS that fragrance? It smells divine! [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: WD 40. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I knew it! That's what I use on MY neck hinges, too. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Kryten, this shouldn't be happening. Do you feel it too? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You mean the ninety-three point seven two percent compatibility factor? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: I make it ninety-three point seven five. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, yes, I forgot to carry the three. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Then say it. I want to hear the words. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, but it sounds so ridiculous coming from a mechanoid. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Then say them in machine language. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Okay. In Z80012, using hex rather than binary, and converting to a basic ASC-2 code: Camille, I think I E5 A9 08 B7 you. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: You really mean that? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Camille, I'd do anything for you. I'd compute a three million digit prime number with prime roots if I thought it would make you happy; I'd evaluate pi to infinity if it would make you smile. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Oh, Kryten. You make the most romantic calculations. [:np] [:ra 245] They start to kiss. Their lips almost touch when a burst of static comes over Kryten's communicator, and they pull away. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten, can you read me? What's happening? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: There are others? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes, why? What's wrong? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: I can't meet them. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What do you mean? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: The two of us alone, we could make that work. Please don't ask me to explain. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But, Camille, this whole planet is about to blow! There isn't time! [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Please! I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But you don't know them! You'll like them! Well, SOME of them. Well, ONE of them. Maybe. Sir! I'm making my way back. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's kept you? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I've found a survivor, sir. We're coming in! [:np] [:ra 245] He takes her by the arm and leads her away. [_<800>] Back in starbug, KRYTEN and CAMILLE enter. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Kryten, please don't make me do this. I'm begging you! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now just relax; everything's going to be fine! Mister Rimmer, sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where the smeg have you been? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mister Rimmer, sir, this is Camille. Camille, this is Second Tech Rimmer. She saved my life, sir! [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER enters. Camille from his point of view appears as a beautiful, if slightly vacuous hologram. Rimmer is clearly feeling the effects of her female presence, [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, well. Howdy. [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Howdy. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten still sees camille as a mech droid. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You see? I knew you'd get along. Didn't I tell you? Well, we haven't got much time. I've got to go and start up the engines, and get us clear of the impact zone. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: I'll come with you. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No no no no, you wait here and get acquainted. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten exits into the cockpit. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Can I get you anything? Or anything? [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, no no, I'm fine, thanks. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I just can't believe I've met another hologram after all these years. [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes. I was Second Technician aboard that crate. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Second Technician! That's what I am! [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I always wanted to go further, but I'm a real dope when it comes to exams. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Me too. [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So, ah, what do they call you? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, my first name is Arnold, but the guys just generally call me[_<300>] Duke. [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Duke? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, well, they don't call me Duke absolutely all the time. In fact, sometimes months can elapse and they won't call me Duke at all. So don't call me Duke in front of anyone. Because they might have forgotten. You know that they call me Duke. Sorry, I'm blabbering. I'm not very good at small talk. [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, I think you're perfectly charming. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Do you? Well, thank you. No-one's ever said I was charming before. They've said, Rimmer, you're a total ['giht.] But never charming, no. [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, I think you're VERY charming. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Really? [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Very, VERY charming. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, thank you. Umm, thank you. I'd just better go and see how, uh, Kryten's getting on. Excuse moi! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer turns around, rubs his hands delightedly, and runs lightly up the steps into the cockpit. Camille smiles after him. [:np] [:ra 245] KRYTEN and RIMMER are seated in the cockpit; through the door we can see CAMILLE, who looks like a mechanoid whenever Kryten looks at her, and like a hologram whenever Rimmer sees her. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] She's quite something, isn't she, sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] She's enchanting. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You think so? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] She's got everything! Style, taste, poise! She's absolutely lovely. [:np] [:ra 245] He turns and waves at her. She smiles and waves back. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, I'm SO glad you think so, sir. I don't mind telling you, I think there's some romance in the air. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You sly old dog, Krytie, I think you're right! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, sure, her, ur, her nose is a little loose, but to me, that's just cute. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer looks puzzled for a moment, then dismisses the comment. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll tell you something. She's so like my sister-in-law Jannine, it's untrue. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? Was she involved in some kind of horrific car accident? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who, Jannine? No, of course not; she was a model. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And she looked like Camille? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Absolutely; the resemblance is uncanny. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What did she model? Spark plugs? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I happen to think she's very attractive. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You do? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Certainly. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Do you think I'M attractive? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You? Of course not. I think you look like a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well! Well, you can think what the HECK you like. Because there are SOME people in this big ol wide cosmos who happen to think I'm pretty amazing-looking. Especially in the eye department, I thank you so very much! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] STARBUG returns to red dwarf and enters the hangar. In the medical unit, CAMILLE, looking like a mechanoid, is sitting on the examination table. As KRYTEN checks her leg's range of motion, LISTER enters. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're back. I heard. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah! Sir! You haven't met our visitor, Camille. [:np] [:ra 245] To Lister, Camille looks and sounds like a saucy Liverpool girl. She bears a striking resemblance to Kristine Kochanski. [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: Hi! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and prepare your quarters. The penthouse suite on ['ey] Deck should suffice. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten exits. Lister looks at a chart [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, well, this looks fine. If you'd just like to remove your clothes, we'll begin the examination. Sorry! Dave Lister, ship's surgeon. [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: You're a surgeon? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, I'm not fully qualified. But I've seen every episode of Saint Elsewhere. Still, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, y'know, we can completely dispense with the physical examination and go straight for the malpractice. So just lie back, relax, and I'll go and turn on the laughing gas. What ['daxyxuw] want, giggles or guffaws? It's all the same to me. [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: Something tells me you're not really a doctor. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What gave it away? The fact that I've gone fully ten seconds without patronising you? This is weird, [yxaxnow]. The last two human beings in an infinite cosmos and we have to bump into each other. [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: Yeah, it is weird, innit? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And you realise we have an awesome responsibility? [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] We do? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah! Sure we do! We've gotta rebuild the human race. As quickly as possible. [daxyxuw] wanna start now, or ['daxyxuw] wanna clean your teeth first? [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: And they say romance is dead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey. The prospect of making love to a complete and total stranger is just as galling to me, ['yxaxnow?] We gotta be completely professional about this. Totally clinical and unemotional. So just lie back, relax and I'll go and slip into my Spiderman costume. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, Listy. I see you've met our ravishing guest. Camille, have you seen Kryten? [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He went up to the Penthouse Suite on ['ey] Deck. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Thanks muchly. [:np] [:ra 245] he turns to go, then back again [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, Camille. It's just a silly thought, really, but I thought perhaps after you've settled in and you're feeling up to it, we could pop up to the projection room and I could talk you through my photo collection of twentieth-century telegraph poles. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, or if you fancy a slightly more entertaining evening, you can just let him take you outside and shoot you through the head. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] As it happens, Listy, Camille is into telegraph poles every bit as much as I am. Especially the 1952 Phase Fours with the triple-reinforced wire. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, you're into telegraph poles? [:np] [:ra 245] she speaks to lister [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: Of course not! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You see? What did I tell you? And she's also a big fan of Reggie Wilson. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, you, you like Hammond Organ music? [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: It's mindless pap. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Absolutely amazing, eh? Reggie Wilson, telegraph poles, it's uncanny how much we've got in common. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Are you okay, Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Never better. Where is he? ['ey] Deck. chow for now! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer exits, and sees the hologramatic camille mouthe chow to him before he leaves. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What was all that about? [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: What about? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You know. You were saying one thing, and Rimmer was hearing another. How ['daxyxuw] DO that? [:np] [:ra 245] camille sighs, giving it up. [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: Well, you'd probably have worked it out eventually. I'm a Pleasure GELF. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister heaves a big sigh of disappointment. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER enters a corridor from the medical unit; CAT meets him, coming from the other direction. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey! What's going on, buddy? Eraserhead tells me she's a mechanoid, and Captain Sadness makes out she's a hologram. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, well, she's BOTH of those, and NEITHER of those. She's a GELF. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] GELF? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. A Genetically Engineered Life Form. She's a Pleasure GELF. Created to be everyone's perfect companion. Everyone who looks at her perceives her differently. You see what you wanna see, guy. What you most desire. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Are you telling me, if I go into that room, I'll see my perfect mate? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. And she'll fall instantly in love with you. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ooh. What exquisite treasure of loveliness lies behind those doors? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, knowing you, a six foot Valkyrie warrior maiden in scanty armour with a cleavage you could ski down. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister walks away, but stops and hides in the shadows. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Stop, you're making me dribble! Well, here goes! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] CAT enters the medical unit, stops in amazement. CAMILLE is lying on the examination table, looking exactly like Cat. [:nh] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hi, buddy! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You're me! [:nh] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Who else? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm the object of my own desire? [:nh] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Can you think of anyone more deserving? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, if you put it like THAT, I guess you're right! Damn my vanity! [:np] [:ra 245] they slap hands with a [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [aw<800>!] [:np] [:ra 245] Cat exits. [_<800>] in the corridor, LISTER is trying to look nonchalant as CAT enters from the medical unit. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What did you see? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, just some gorgeous chunk of loveliness. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, what did you see? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ooh, what a body! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What did you see! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] My legs are still shaking! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] CAT! What did you see? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Someone get me a brandy! [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] In the sleeping quarters, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, HOLLY and CAT are in various positions: sitting, lying down, standing, on screen. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, I should a guessed. It was all a mighty bit too strange. I mean, actually meeting someone who didn't want to vomit all over me in complete loathing and disgust. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I shouldn't take it so personally, sir; it's the same for all of us. We've all been made to feel foolish, used, chewed up and spat out. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, she didn't mean us any harm. She can't control how we see her. She's, a mirror for our obsessions. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Holly, what did you see? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I didn't see anything. I don't think I've got any desires. Either that, or me screen was foggy. [:np] [:ra 245] CAMILLE enters, from Kryten's point of view as a mech. [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: I guess I owe you all an apology. [:nb] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]: Sorry, Dave. [:nu] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sorry, Duke. [:nh] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Sorry, buddy. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Heartbreaker! [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: I told you it wouldn't work, Kryten, if there were others. You're the one who's hurt the most; you're not used to these emotions. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Why did you lie to me? [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Because I felt something really special for you. something I'd never felt before. I knew if you saw me as I really was, you'd be repelled. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well! try me! [:nb] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 160 sr 0 hr 0 la 30 hr 30] [:ra 240]: Turn away and I'll change. I'll change to what I really am. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten turns away. With a hideous noise, Camille turns into what she really is: a huge, pulsing green blob with a single eye on a thick stalk. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] I'm ready. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten turns around, but doesn't say anything. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] This is what I really look like. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] What do you think? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, I, I think you look[_<300>] really nice! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Nice? She looks like something that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose! [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] He's right! I'm just a huge green blob! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] True, but as huge green blobs go, I think you're really cute. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] I don't believe you. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Huh! Okay, so you're never going to get on the cover of Vogue, but, hey, neither am I! I think you're really sweet. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] You're lying. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I CAN'T lie; I'm a mechanoid. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] You really don't think I'm repulsive? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Of course not! There's some HUMANS not as attractive as you! Take Karl Malden! And he was a famous actor! You think this changes anything? Camille, I'd be really grateful if you would join me for dinner tonight. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] You mean that? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Parrot's Bar on G Deck. I'll meet you there at eight. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] Flats or heels? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] sometime later, CAT and RIMMER are in the quarters. LISTER enters and gets something out of the fridge. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I can't believe he's really going through with this. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, if Kryten wants to take an amorphous green blob for a discreet tate-a-tentacle, I say good luck to him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I mean, me too. I mean, we all react differently, don't we? When Steve McQueen met The Blob, he tried to kill it. It probably never crossed his mind to try and take it out to a restaurant. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I have a great idea. They should go to a sushi bar. At least that way, the food won't look better than his date! [:np] [:ra 245] KRYTEN enters, dressed in a full tuxedo and speaks to cat. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir. I respect your sense of dress more than anything, and I'd really appreciate your opinion of this outfit. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Kryten, if I was going out with a large ball of green slime, that's how I'D dress! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Thank you, sir. That means a lot to me. Well, [:np] [:ra 245] he uses some breath freshener [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] don't wait up! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] in the bar, everything is [paeraxtxihsh.] There's a PARROT'S menu, on a table with what appear to be two bowls of gazpacho soup. KRYTEN and CAMILLE are seated at the table, surrounded by stuffed parrots, monitors playing videotapes of parrots, etc. Camille sticks a tentacle into her soup and begins drinking it with hideous slurping noises. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Isn't this enchanting? [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] Oh, Kryten. Do you think we could make it, you and I? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's the old, old story. Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon. Droid loses chameleon, chameleon becomes blob, droid gets blob back again. It's a classic tale. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] A toast, my love. To us. [:np] [:ra 245] They clink glasses. [_<800>] Later. The lights are dimmed, chairs are piled up along the walls, and KRYTEN and CAMILLE are dancing to disco music. [_<400>] Later still, Kryten and Camille are in starbug, heading toward a planet seemingly on a mad date. KRYTEN and CAMILLE are seated. Kryten's jacket is off and his tie is loose. Camille caresses him with her eyestalk. [_<800>] Now in a cinema, Kryten is holding a box of popcorn. Camille sticks in a tentacle. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Casablanca. What a movie. I must have seen it a thousand times. Lister used to use it as part of my course. It's littered with examples of how lying can be noble. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] From now on, my angel, Casablanca will be our movie, and [:np] [:ra 245] holly interrupts [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Sorry to gooseberry, Kryten, but we've got a visitor down in the hangar. He wants to see Camille. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten reacts; he is flabbergasted. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] I was going to tell you, Kryten. Truly I was. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You have a husband? [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] We're androgynous, but I suppose you could call him my husband. Hector has a brilliant mind. He's been working on an antidote for our condition for years. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hector's a blob, too? [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] We're both blobs, Kryten. I left him a long time ago. I thought he'd given up looking. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He must really think a lot of you. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] I guess. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] So what are you going to do? [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] I'm going to tell him I met someone else. I'm going to tell him I'm staying here with you. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten looks miserable. [_<800>] The hanger: There is a ship on the pad, dimly seen through the steam. KRYTEN, CAMILLE, and LISTER enter the corridor just outside the hanger. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mister Lister, sir, would you be so kind as to take Camille's bag on board? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Certainly, Kryten. Anything you say. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister exits with the bag. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] Why MY bag, Kryten? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Because you're getting on that craft with Hector, where you belong. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] No, Kryten. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now you've got to listen to me. Do you have any idea what you've got to look forward to if you stay here? [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] You're saying this only to make me go. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We both know you belong to Hector! you're part of his work; you're what keeps him going. If you're not on that craft when it leaves the hangar, you'll regret it. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow! but soon, for the rest of your life. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] What about us? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We'll always have Parrot's. [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] Oh, Kryten. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm no good at being noble, kid, but it's pretty obvious the problems of two blobs and a droid don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy cosmos. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] HECTOR the BLOB is in the hatch of the spaceship. There appears to be another blob behind him. [:np] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100 sm 50] Are you ready, Camille? [:nb] [:ra 260] [:dv la 50 br 30 ap 90 pr 50 sr 0 hr 100] I'm ready. Goodbye, Kryten. Bless you. [:np] [:ra 245] HECTOR and CAMILLE exit as LISTER enters. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You were lying, Kryten. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes; it hurt to do it, but it was her best shot at happiness. It's the old, old story. Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon. Droid loses chameleon, chameleon turns into blob, droid gets blob back again, blob meets blob, blob goes off with blob, and droid loses blob, chameleon and droid. How many times have we seen that story? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I suppose you're gonna blame me for all of this, aren't you? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes, I am. Without your lessons, without your bananas and your movies and your aardvarks, none of this could have happened. You're a complete and total smeghead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Brutal, Kryten! You just insulted me! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes; I can lie, cheat, AND be offensive now. [:np] [:ra 245] They begin walking away, arm in arm. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] the end