[:np :ra245 :ph on]
Red Dwarf, Season 4, Episode 2.  D N A.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
The Scanning Room.  LISTER, KRYTEN, and RIMMER are all busy at the scanners.  RIMMER is standing, calling out co-ordinates from some of the upper screens while LISTER and KRYTEN tap feverishly away at keyboards, keeping up a steady stream of technical chatter.  All are tense but calm, rather proffessional.  There is a steady background noise made up of bleeps, pings, and whistles from the equipment.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Stand by, she's coming round.
[:np :ra245]
CAT enters.  His hair is tousled, and he is carrying a hair dryer.  He stops in the doorway, puzzled by all the activity.  LISTER talks to the cat.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's something out there, man.  Some kind of U F O.  We're clamping on.
[:np :ra245]
He turns back to his keyboard.  Suddenly all the screens die and the noises from the scanners cease.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Visual down!  Radar down!  What's happening?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Something's knocked out the entire desk!
[:np :ra245]
CAT switches on his hair dryer.  He is busy styling his hair when he notices the murderous expression on the faces of his friends.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What're you all looking at me like that for?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You've just unplugged the console.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Right.  I'm blow-dryin' my hair.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We're tracking a U F O.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Oh, you're tracking a U F O.  So, I have to sit around looking like the bride of Frankenstein?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Use another socket.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
This is beyond belief!  A spaceship five miles long and they don't fit enough plug sockets in the scanning room!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's plenty of plug sockets in the scanning room, Cat!  They're all taken up with your beauty aids!  Now use a wall socket!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What? Unplug my hot wax drip unsightly hair remover?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yes!  Unplug your hot wax drip unsightly hair remover.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I don't believe this!  We finally get to encounter an alien species and I have to meet them with a wavery bikini line!
[:np :ra245]
He unplugs his hair dryer and reconnects the console.  The screens light up again and the bleeping restarts.  The others get straight back to work.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's back, bearing zero-niner-zero, adjust one percent
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
one to the left, portside C locked on
[:np :ra245]
There is the noise of a hair dryer starting up, almost drowned out by the crackles of static as ripples of interference streak across the screens.  The crew glare at the offending feline.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Alright, okay.  I'll use gel.  Everybody happy?
[:np :ra245]
He unplugs his hair dryer and exits.  The screens steady.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Stabilise, pitch reduce correctives
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What the hell is it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I have no idea, sir.
[:np :ra245]
We see the U F O for the first time.  It is a huge spacecraft with many towers.  It does not contain any life form.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
The craft does not appear to be of Earth construction.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Aliens!  They're probably going to return Glen Miller.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You what?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That's what they do.  All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them.  Aw, smeg, that's all we need.  Glen Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania 65000. KRYTEN, open communication channels.
[:np :ra245]
The U F O now clamps itself to Red Dwarf, and we here Rimmer's Voice.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We don't want him!  Go away!  You took him, you can keep the smegger!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
The crew of Red Dwarf have left there own ship and are now on the U F O.  They are walking down a strange, semi-organic looking passageway.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
How deliciously bizarre!  The hall's molecular structure conforms to no known element.  Whoever, or whatever, made this thing had access to a technology far in advance of our own.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Okay, look, let's split up.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Why?  Why should we split up?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, we'll do the search quicker.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What's the hurry?  Have you got some major luncheon appointment you have to rush off to?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's your problem?
[:np :ra245]
Rimmer gestures at the CAT.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm not teaming up with him.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Me? What's wrong with me?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you only look after number one, you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You've just listed all my best features.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm going with Kryten.
[_<500>]
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Come on, Cat.
[:np :ra245]
CAT follows LISTER, surreptitiously checking his hair in a small vanity mirror.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Time has passed.  RIMMER and KRYTEN are about to venture down a darkened corridor.  RIMMER pauses, cowardice writ large upon his features, then turns to KRYTEN.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Uh, Kryten, take point.  I've seen those movies.  It's always the guy in the lead who buys it first.  You take the front.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir, in my experience it's usually the poor fellow who's bringing up the rear that gets picked off first, so the others aren't aware that they're under attack.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're right, you're right.  Can you take the front and the back, so I can go in the middle?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'll do my best, sir.
[:np :ra245]
They advance down the corridor cautiously.  KRYTEN, in front, shuffles round to the back, then he and RIMMER sidle around one another.  They proceed in this fashion down the corridor, KRYTEN alternately taking point and bringing up the rear, whilst RIMMER looks out for any kind of danger.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
CAT and LISTER are exploring.  LISTER's Walky talky bleeps.  He answers it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yo, Kryten.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
We've found something, sir.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yeh?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I think it's one of the crew.  A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrified flesh hanging from it.  It fell through RIMMER as we opened the lift door.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Is he all right?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I believe he's just discovered what shirt-tails are for.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Alright, Kryten, you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid ghit.  I'm fine now.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
So, shall I cancel the order to find your mother?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and CAT enter a chamber.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Is that thing still on?
[:np :ra245]
The radio snaps off abruptly.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, look at this!
[:np :ra245]
A console covered in pretty lights, facing a screen covered in stylishly meaningless geometric shapes, also in pretty colours.  CAT is fascinated.  He pokes at a few of the pretty buttons, causing an insistent beeping.  LISTER looks worried.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Don't mess around with that, man, we don't know what it does.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I'm just taking a look.
[:np :ra245]
He presses some more buttons.  Abruptly, a thick beam of purplish light descends from a point on the ceiling directly above LISTER, pinning him to the spot like an overweight, curry-stained bug.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cheers, man, brilliant.
[:np :ra245]
He tries to move out of the light, but can't.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm [_<300>] I'm [_<300>] I'm trapped.  Get me out of this thing!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Be cool, stay slinky.  I'm on the case here.  I remember the sequence.  It was [_<300>] red, blue, yellow.
[:np :ra245]
Brimming with feline confidence, he turns back to the console, and prods the keys.  Nothing happens.  CAT pauses, a frown creasing his forehead.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
No, no [_<300>] blue, yellow, red.
[:np :ra245]
Noises start emanating from the screen.  They might have been human speech, but the sound is terribly distorted.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What the smeg is that?
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
The Lift.  KRYTEN and RIMMER are examining the skeleton of the three-headed monster.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Curious, the skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
He's got three heads!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN spots something in the tattered remains of what might once have been the creature's jacket.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Wait.  Here's some kind of wallet.
[:np :ra245]
He lifts it gingerly from its resting places and opens it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
The artifacts are human!  A pilots licence, I D, even a video club card.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognise him?  He's got six eyes and three noses.  If it were me, I'd remember him.  "Aren't you the bloke who came in last week, sneezed, and caused a monsoon?"
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I think we can assume he started out as human and something happened here.  Something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Language trace completed.  Dialect English, colloquial construction, 23rd century.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, do nothing, press nothing, just go and get KRYTEN!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Wait, I think I got it.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Transmogrification sequence initiated.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Maybe not.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Transmogrifer what?
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Gene sample accepted and cloned.  Please key in new genetic structure.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Do nothing.  Press nothing.  GET KRYTEN!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, you think I can't handle this on my own?  I have to rush off and get novelty-condom head to bail you out?  I got you into this, I'll get you out!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Get Kryten!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Relax, would you?  I know what I'm doing!
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
New genetic structure accepted.  Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting
[:np :ra245]
we're back with LISTER and CAT.  CAT, having got LISTER into a mess, wants to get him out of it, but CAT doesn't realise that the mess is a lot worse than he thinks.  A jeen sample of LISTER has been taken by the same machine that pinned him down by light.  KRYTEN is the only thing that can sort lister out, yet CAT won't go and fetch him and lister can't move.  LISTER is panicking.  The COMPUTER starts counting down, marking off the countdown in steady, impassive beeps.  CAT turns to face LISTER, a strained grin frozen on his face.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I got a good idea [_<300>] why don't I go and get Kryten?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, forget Kryten!  Just press the pads, ANY pads!  Stop this!
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Sequence complete.
[:np :ra245]
There is a bright flare of light, and every molecule in LISTER's body flies outwards at the speed of light [_<300>] and reforms, with a rather nice reverse explosion effect, into a chicken.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[bx][uh<100,100>uh<500,1000>][k][uh<500,1000>uw<1000,100>][b<10,37>]buck buck buck buck buck buck buck quark quark quark [bx][uh<100,100>uh<500,1000>][k][uh<500,1000>uw<1000,100>]
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN and RIMMER enter the room at a run.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Are you okay?  We detected a massive power surge in this sector!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Where's Lister?
[:np :ra245]
CAT nods at the chicken scratching at the floor.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That's Lister?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What can I say, except [_<300>] whoops!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What is it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Best guess, some kind of DNA modifier, designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.  This would explain our triple-headed friend back there.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So what does it do?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Every single cell in your body contains D N A, which is a series of genetic instructions telling your body how to grow.  It's like a small computer program that chooses the colour of your eyes, tells your nose what shape to be, designates your sex, your height, everything, even your lifespan.  This machine simply re-writes the DNA program.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So this machine can transform any living thing into any other living thing, by altering it's molecular structure?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Precisely.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
And it turned Lister into a chicken.
[:np :ra245]
He crouches down by the chicken, and eyes it thoughtfully.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
So it seems.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Question is, can we turn him back again?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Question is, do we want to?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult to recall his original form.  It's simply a question of decoding the keypad.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's incredible.  It really _is_ him.  Look, it's even got his little beer-gut.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
[mmm<500>] seems a fairly straightforward hexidecimal lay-out.  Logically, this should be the recall sequence.
[:np :ra245]
He punches a few keys.  The chicken vanishes.  DAVE LISTER, hamster, sqeaks up at them angrily from the floor.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
That's not it, is it?  [mmm<500>]  Let's start from the top.
[:np :ra245]
He starts to pace, thinking out loud.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
What happened here, exactly?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I was pressing the pads.  I definitely pressed the yellow one first,
[:np :ra245]
He presses the yellow pad,
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
and then this thing came down!
[:np :ra245]
The thing, on cue, comes down, trapping KRYTEN.  KRYTEN starts to look worried.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So I'm standing here, pressing the buttons,
[:np :ra245]
which he dutifully does,
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
and then this voice said
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Transmogrification sequence engaged.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Right!  So I press some more buttons, and then it says
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
Please key in new genetic structure.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
That's it exactly!
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER, meanwhile, has noticed KRYTEN's plight.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Cat, stop!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
There is no need to engage your panic chip, sir.  The machine can only operate on organic life.  I am mineral, and therefore immune.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
New genetic structure accepted.  Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.
[:np :ra245]
The Computer beeps.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh.  Wait a minute!  No.  My brain is part organic and therefore it is _entirely_ possible  for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition.  Engage panic circuits.  Panic circuits engaged.
[:np :ra245]
CAT frantically punches buttons.  The countdown stops, and after a moment LISTER is restored.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Are you okay?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, I think so.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What was it like being a hamster?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It was better than being a chicken!  I mean, you've seen the size of an egg?  And you've seen the size of a chicken's bum?  Well, that's what all the clucking was about!  I was trying to say, in chicken talk, "For God's sake, give me a epidural!"
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Let's get Kryten back.  Press what you pressed for Lister.
[:np :ra245]
CAT presses the buttons.  The beam flares with white light, then fades.  As it does so, it reveals a much-changed KRYTEN.

[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
My heavens.  I am human.
[:np :ra245]
There is a stunned silence, broken only by the CAT, fashion critic.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
yeh, but you've lost your looks!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN scowls at him.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
I'm human!  my greatest dream come true!  For the first time in my life I can experience real feelings.  I'm experiencing one now, I'm in "happiness" mode.  I've never experienced anything like it before!  Oh, except for that one time when I accidentally welded my groinal socket to a front- loading washing machine.  I'm alive!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Red Dwarf Medical Unit.  CAT and LISTER have pushed Kryten to the medical unit on a trolley.  LISTER enters.  KRYTEN is sitting up on the bed, investigating his new facial muscles.  LISTER pauses in the foyer and has a private word with HOLLY, who is displayed on a large monitor above the door.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How's he doing, Hol?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Physically he's fine.  He's got the body of a perfectly normal 30 year old human male, Apparently.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Is he alright?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Well, it'll take a little while to adjust.  Everything's a bit new.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER enters the room, pushing a trolley.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Greetings, fellow human!  Ah, breakfast, my very first meal!  Boiled chicken ovulations.  delicious!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER winces slightly.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How you coping, man?  Any problems?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, just one or two.  In fact I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me.
[:np :ra245]
At LISTER's nod, he pulls out the list.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
I see.  Move your head [_<300>] closer, [mmm<250>,] to the object.
[:np :ra245]
He practises with the list.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
All right, okay.  Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion, Quantel?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No. We don't have them.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
You don't have them, just the zoom?  [mmm<500>.]
[:np :ra245]
He holds up one hand in a placating gesture.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, no, that's fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great.  Now then, my nipples don't work.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Er, in what way, "don't work?"
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to pick up shortwave radio transmissions.  Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Human nipples don't do that.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
I see.  Fine.  Ah [_<200>] recharging.  Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do.  Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three pin adaption.
[:np :ra245]
He reaches under the covers and holds up a 3 pin cable.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor?  Because no matter what I do, the leed just keeps falling out.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER regards him thoughtfully for a moment.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, we eat and sleep.  that's our way of recharging.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Ah. [mmm<1000>].  Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something.  Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about.  It's a bit of a taboo subject, not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy.  Spit it out, man.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.
[:np :ra245]
DAVE LISTER, enlightened 23rd century guy, reacts exactly as would an unenlightened 20th century schoolboy.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode.  Aren't we both two human adults?  Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolecent sniggering?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, of course we can.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Thank you.
[:np :ra245]
He hands LISTER a polaroid.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
"Well" what?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, what do you think?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm not quite with you here, Kryten.  What am I supposed to say?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
I want to know:  is that normal?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What?  Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?  No, it's not!
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, yeh.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
It's hideous!  That's the best design they could come up with?  Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it.  That's the shape we're looking for:  The last chicken-in the-shop look?" Shakespeare had one?  Einstein?  Perry Como sang "Memories are Made of This" with one of those stashed in his slacks?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, yeh.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode!  Ugh.  Now, take a look at this.
[:np :ra245]
He hands LISTER a second polaroid.  LISTER rotates it several times, perplexed.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
and this.
[:np :ra245]
He hands LISTER another polaroid.  LISTER holds the two snaps side by side, then top to bottom.  His eyes bug out as he realises what he is seeing.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Now why do you suppose that happened?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What were you thinking of at the time?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, nothing in particular, sir.  I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance catalogue.  I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other.  You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
It was a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self emptying dustbag.
[:np :ra245]
He wiggles his eyebrows in a highly suggestive manner.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, I don't care what model it was.  No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid.  Do yourself a favour, man, change back.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Back?  Become one of those poor sappy sad-act mechanoids again?  This is my dream.  Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for you.  Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I don't know.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Twelve.  And you know why?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Because they're so stupid!  Isn't that just the greatest joke?  I've got another one.  Ever heard of the mechanoid peeping-Tom?
[:np :ra245]
Looks at his penis repeatedly, like a machine.  LISTER leaves, dejectedly.  KRYTEN's echoing laughter follows him down the hall.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Sleeping Quarters.  CAT and RIMMER are taking turns to peer through the eyepieces of a microscope at something on its sample tray.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea.  It's never going to work.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That DNA machine can do anything.  Why shouldn't it work?  The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Why not?  Dandruff has DNA in it.  That machine has a clone facility.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
But a man made from dandruff?  It's never going to work.  The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I won't be _made_ of dandruff, my body will be recreated from the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER enters, still morose.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
How's Kryten?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
If he ever offers to show you his photo collection, my advice is:  decline, politely.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER pulls a frozen curry from the freezer, and removes the foil lid.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I bet he can't believe his luck.  He's reached the pinnacle of the evolutionary mountain.  He's a human.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER leans against the wall, frowning.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's so big about being human?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Listy, don't knock it till you've tried it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I just don't trust that machine, man.  Look, I know it's old-fashioned, but I'm from the school that believes, "If God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control".  Okay, that machine might be able to cure diseases and stuff, but you shouldn't use it to change you into what you're not.  You are what you are.  Wasn't it Descartes who said, "I am what I am?"
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, whoever it was, he was a hell of a philosopher.  And I think what he was trying to say was, you got to stay true to what you are.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER crosses over to the dining table, and sits down in a chair.  RIMMER, by contrast, springs to his feet and starts to pace.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Oh, here we go.  Typical knee-jerk techno-fear reaction.  That machine is the greatest single technological advancement mankind has ever made.  Gretaer than fire, greater than the wheel.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What about the dude with three heads?  What happened to him?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, he abused it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Right, yeh, someone always does.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Are you two seriously suggesting that you're not going to use it?  There's nothing about your bodies you'd like to improve?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Me? Are you serious?  Most people leave their bodies to medical science.  I'm leaving mine to the Louvre, babe!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
At some point in their lives, most people wish they were someone else.  This is going back years, years, before the accident.  Kochanski had just finished with me, and I was feeling really pony.  So I went for a walk in the botanical gardens, and I saw this squirrel, climbing up and down the tree collecting nuts.  And it stopped, and it looked at me, and I thought:  "You lucky little sod, you like your job, you're your own boss, and you've got no woman trouble, so you'll never feel as bad as I feel now.  And at that moment, I mean for a split second, I would have given anything, anything, to swap places with him.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Ah, that's awful, man.  When a woman screws you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It just made me think that a lot of the time, being human isn't much fun!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So, Lister, what are you telling us?  You're a closet squirrel?  Behind closed doors, you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself "Nutkin?"
[:np :ra245]
LISTER gets up and crosses to the kitchern area.  He puts his curry in the microwave and switches it on.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What I'm telling you, Rimmer, is that being human sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be, and if KRYTEN thinks it's going to solve all his problems then he is in for a major, I repeat, _major_ disappointment.
[:np :ra245]
He stalks out.  RIMMER and CAT turn back to the microscope.  RIMMER peers again at the piece of dandruff upon which his future quality of life depends, while CAT
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Achoo!
[:np :ra245]
Their eyes meet.  CAT grins sheepishly.  RIMMER appears to be wishing for a holo-whip.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
The cleaning supplies cupboard.  This is where KRYTEN made his home.  A recharge plug lies coiled on the floor.  On a shelf at the back of the cupboard are KRYTEN's three spare heads.  Various other spare parts are lying amongst the drums and boxes in the room.  KRYTEN enters, He is now dressed in human clothes, a pink shirt with flower patterns, a black tie with large wite spots, a black smoking jacket with a fake leopard-fur collar, tan slacks, and brown shoes.  There is a pair of sunglasses in the jacket's outer pocket.  He possibly let CAT help him with the selections, although it is more likely he chose them himself, they give him an air of indifferent eccentricity, rather like Doctor Who.  He addresses his spare parts.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
The most wonderful thing has happened!  We found this machine and it's made me human!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 30 hr 30 la 20 hr 30] [:ra 240]
You're a human now?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
That's right, Spare Head 1.  Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 10 ap 100 sr 0 hr 0 la 7 hr 30] [:ra 240]
What's it like?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
It's indescribable, Spare Head 2.  True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions, and there's no zoom, the nipples don't work and I could show you a snapshot of something that would make your eyes spin like fruit machines!  But that apart, it's all going well.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 30 hr 30 la 20 hr 30] [:ra 240]
What about us?  It was my turn to be main head next month!
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, obviously that's no longer possible.  Aren't you happy for me?  I'm not a mechanoid.  I'm not second class anymore!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 10 ap 100 sr 0 hr 0 la 7 hr 30] [:ra 240]
What about Spare Head 3?  You can't just leave him here, he's got droid rot!
[:np :ra245]
SPARE HEAD 3 takes offence at this.  He speaks with a Yorkshire accent, so broad you could cut it with the Pennines.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 qu 10 ap 100 sr 0 hr 0 la 7 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I don't need no bugger t'look after me!  Ah may be 'alf round with siliconisis, and my voice units may be shot t'buggery, but Ah don't need sympathy from the likes of 'IM!
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, I'll still come and visit.  I won't forget you.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 30 hr 30 la 20 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Where have you been for the last four days?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Hey!  I've been busy!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 qu 10 ap 100 sr 0 hr 0 la 7 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Aye, busy swankin' round with 'is new central nervous system, 'is poncy new eight-valve heart, lah-de-dah-ing it with all 'is fancy new 'UMAN friends!
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Oh, Spare Head 3, what do you know about anything?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 qu 10 ap 100 sr 0 hr 0 la 7 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Ooh, hark at 'im.  Orderin' 'is own _heads_ around.  Ah may be thirty thousand years old and me circuit boards may 'ave gone bandy, but I'll tell ye this for nowt:  Ye came int' this world as a mechanoid, and a mechanoid ye'll al'us be!
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
I don't have to take this from you.  I'm a human.  Shut you're stupid flat head.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 30 hr 30 la 20 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Kryten!  I don't believe you just said that.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
I don't even know why I came here.  What a waste of time.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 10 ap 100 sr 0 hr 0 la 7 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I think you should leave now, Kryten.  There's nothing more to say.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 qu 10 ap 100 sr 0 hr 0 la 7 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Aye, sling ye're bloody 'ump.  Go on, clear off!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
And what about you, Spare Hand 1?  How do you feel?
[:np :ra245]
The spare hand, recently taught rude gestures by LISTER, employs one of them now.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
Sleeping Quarters. Day.  LISTER is sitting eating his curry.  KRYTEN enters, disconsolate.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Greetings, fellow human.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
"Fellow human." How hollow those words sound now.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's eating you, man?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER offers KRYTEN a taste of his curry.  KRYTEN dips his finger in and licks it clean.  He doesn't seem to like the taste much.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions.  One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable.  What's wrong with me?  I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangeroos in the mating season.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
The depressions there for a reason.  It's the mind's way of telling you something's wrong.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Wrong!? What could be wrong?  I've got everything I want!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh yeh?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
No. (Morosely) I've done the most terrible thing.  I've hurt my own kind, I've made fun of those closest to me.  I've been a complete and total polaroid-head!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh.  You've had your head up your recharge socket.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Agreed.  And you've known all along.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, well.  I did something similar once.  Sold out.
[:np :ra245]
He pauses, uncomfortable.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
You sold out?
[:np :ra245]
He crosses over and sits down beside LISTER.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, this is between you and me, okay, Kryten?
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN Nods.  LISTER leans close.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Once, many years ago
[:np :ra245]
LISTER pauses, about to deliver his terrible confession.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I went into a wine bar.
[:np :ra245]
He quickly turns back to his curry, embarrassed and ashamed.  KRYTEN sits back, confused.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
That's it?  You went into a wine bar?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Okay!  Keep it down!  keep it down!  I don't want the whole world to know!
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, what's so bad about going into a
[:np :ra245]
He pauses, seeing LISTER's expression.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It means I was a class traitor.  I could have been on that slippery slope:  hankering after pine kitchens, sleeping on futons, eating tappas!  Who knows where it could have lead?  I could have started having "relationships" with people instead of going out with them.  Got married, got on the property ladder.  God Almighty, who knows where it could have ended?  Next thing you know, I'm playing squash every Tuesday night with a bloke called Gerald!  I mean [_<300>] A lucky escape, man, a lucky escape.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
I've been thinking, sir:  I want to be a mechanoid again.  It's what I always have been, what I always will be.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And no bad thing.  Let's do it.
[:np :ra245]
They stand up to go.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, there was a cartoon character once called Popeye, said a really profound thing.
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Well, what did he say?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He said, "I am what I am."
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
Are you sure?  I always thought it was Descartes!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So did I, man!  It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up!
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
Genetic-modifier Chamber.  The crew of the Dwarf are gathered round, looking thoughtfully anxious.  HOLLY's image is on the Genetic Modifier COMPUTER's monitor, overlaid on the pattern of geometric shapes.  LISTER speaks around a mouthful of curry.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What do you reckon, Hol?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I reckon I got it sussed.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I reckon we should try it first.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What with?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Well, just nearly anything organic.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER notices the direction of RIMMER's gaze.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hey!  Don't look at me!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm not looking at you, I'm looking at that foil container.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Lister's curry?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's dead.  It's organic.  If we can change a mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo, we'll know it's safe for KRYTEN.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Nice idea, goal-post head!  Let's try it!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Ta! I was enjoying that!
[:np :ra245]
He holds out the foil container and the purple beam descends to enclose it.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Gene sample accepted and cloned.  Metamorphosis in progress.
[:np :ra245]
The curry starts to move.  Large bubbles form and burst on the surface, the container overruns, and curry gloops down the sides.  In seconds, the container is completely hidden in the seething mass, which soon reaches to the floor.  The crew of the Dwarf watch, eyes wide with horror.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What the smeg is it?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What have we created?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We've created the mutton vindaloo beast.  Half man, half extra-hot Indian curry!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Okay.  You go, I'll cover you.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Seriously?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
No.
[:np :ra245]
They run for their lives, pursued by the monster.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
The Corridors of the Red Dwarf.  They reach a munitions cabinet.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I don't believe I'm running away from a psychopathic curry man!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Is it still following us?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Can't you smell it?  It's right behind us!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER uses a convenient six-pack of wicked-strength Leopard lager to break the glass on the cabinet.  They start breaking out the bazookoids.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Remember last Easter, twelve months ago to the day, the Polymorph?
[:nh] [:ra 240]
[:dv br 0  pr 100 hr 0 bf 100 sr 50  ap 70]
That's right.  You were attacked by a killer shami kebab!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How can the same smeg happen to the same guy twice?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Last time it was hors d'euvres, this time it's lunch!
[:np :ra245]
He chambers a round in his bazookoid, and ducks around the corner to face the monster.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Eat burning death, and kiss your ugly ass goodbye, beast!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Twice!
[:np :ra245]
The beast doesn't even slow down.  LISTER watches it approach, horrified.  The others, less philosophically inclined, run for it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Move back to the [_<300>]  The DNA splitter!  I've got an idea!
[:np :ra245]
He runs after the others.  The monster pursues.  We see from it's vantage point as LISTER ducks through a blast door and palms the emergency controls.  The door slides down.  LISTER sticks his finger at the monster through the reinforced glass window, then frys the door controls with the bazookoid.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
The Genetic-modifier Chamber.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Holly, I'm only going to ask you this the once, and I want the truth:  can you make this machine work without any mistakes?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
yeh.  I know what I did wrong last time.  It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer could've made.  Look, I can do it.  Give me a chance.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, Holly, that computer's virtually indestructible.  There's only one way to beat it.
[:np :ra245]
He sighs, then shrugs.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Turn me into a super-human.  Man plus.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Are you totally insane?  You're going to let that fruit-bat of a computer diddle with your D N A?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You got a better plan?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Maybe some Indian resteraunt music will mollify it.  Or perhaps we can make a surrender flag out of flock wallpaper?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Do you realise the charmed thing is going to be through that door any minute now?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Right.  So let's do it.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Transmogrification sequence initiated.
[:np :ra245]
The monster is already through the door, and in hot pursuit.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Metamorphosis complete.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER is now half-encased in metal and gleaming plastic:  his deerstalker is is half-melded into a metal helmet that covers most of his head, leaving a slot for his eyes.  His jacket, similarly, melds with the metal armour covering most of his body.  He looks suspiciously like Robocop.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[:dv ap 300] Did it work?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Kind of.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What do you mean, "kind of?"
[:np :ra245]
The others are looking at the lower part of his body.  LISTER may look like Robocop, but he would have to stand on tiptoe to see over that worthy's feet, since he has been shrunk down to a height of ten inches, bazookoid and all.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I mean, "kind of."
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Well, getting better.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What now?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
We ain't got time to change him back.  Let's scoot!  Come on, stumpy!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Wait for me!
[:np :ra245]
He sprints after the others, legs pumping.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
A corridor on the Dwarf.  RIMMER, CAT, and KRYTEN pound past the now-empty munitions cabinet.  After a few seconds, LISTER rounds the corner and stops, exhausted.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I can't keep up, I'm knackered!
[:np :ra245]
The others appear from the direction they were running in originally, rather distressed expressions on their faces.  They duck down a side corridor.  The monster arrives, and faces LISTER.  LISTER backs off.  As he does so, he knocks over an open can of lager.  The monster steps in the spilt liquid, there is a hissing sound, and the monster draws back its foot with a roar of pain.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Of course.  Lager!  The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!
[:np :ra245]
He picks up a full lager can.  With superhuman strength for his height he tosses the lager can at the monster.  The can wedges between it's mandibles.  LISTER than takes aim and fires!  The blast from his bazookoid strikes the can, and it explodes.  So does the monster.  Curry flies everywhere, covering everything in sight.  LISTER is knocked to the ground by a particuarly large gob.  When the dust has finally settled, the others approach LISTER, lying dazed and covered in curry.  He grins up at them cheerfully.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Has anyone got a poppadom the size of Lake Michigan?  This stuff's really good!
[:np :ra245]
So saying, he scoops up some of the curry covering him and shovels it into his mouth.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
This guy is pure class.
[:np :ra245][_<800>]
The end.