[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 245] Red Dwarf. Season 4, episode 3, [_<400>] Justice. [_<800>] In the morning, LISTER is in a medical bed. His head is swollen to the size and shape of something bigg and swelled. KRYTEN wheels in a breakfast trolley. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] How are you feeling, sir? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ohhh, much better, thanks, man. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You certainly look better. I can't believe how much the swelling has gone down overnight. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You reckon? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Definitely. It was almost interfering with the ceiling fan yesterday afternoon. You're nearly back to your old self. In fact, you can hardly tell you've got space mumps at all. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Can I have a mirror? [:np] [:ra 245] KRYTEN takes out an enormous head-measuring device. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't think you're quite ready for a mirror yet, sir. Let's take it one step at a time. [:np] [:ra 245] he Measures Lister's head. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What did I tell you? It's gone down eight inches overnight. You'll be up and about in no time. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't know what I would have done without you this last three weeks. Florence Nightingdroid. Did you bring me breakfast? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes, sir. Hot lager with croutons, just the way you asked. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER lifts the lid of the soup bowl and starts to spoon up the lager. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, you certainly find out who your mates are when you've got an unsightly, disfiguring ailment. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, I wouldn't say unsightly, sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, come on, Kryten. I've got a head like a hot-air balloon. I look like the Human Lightbulb. And how many times have they dropped in with a word of comfort or a bunch of grapes? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's just not been possible, sir. Mister Rimmer has been on vacation. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The world's most charismatic man? Where did he go? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] On a rambling holiday through the diesel decks. A ten-day hike through the ship's combustion engines with two of the skutters. He said he'd pop in later and show you the slides. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He didn't, did he? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's been loading the projection carousel for twenty-four hours now. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've got to stop him. A slide show of the diesel decks? that could finish me! I'd have thought the Cat might have dropped in, though. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, he's been a little preoccupied of late with this pod business. Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank! I wasn't supposed to mention that. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What pod? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, you're not well, just forget I mentioned it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, what pod? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yesterday evening we came across an escape pod floating in the local asteroid belt. It contains the survivor of some space crash, apparently cryogenically frozen. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, yeah? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] All the signs are she's in suitable condition for revival. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] She? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] As far as we can tell, she's a she. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh that's great, isn't it? That's just typical. The first female company in three million years, and I look like something that belongs up a whale's nose. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER gets up. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You can't get up, sir. What are you doing? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's a woman on board! what ['daxyxuw] think I'm doing? I'm on the cop. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] in the sleeping quarters, LISTER is examining the pod. he reads a name from the side of it's outer surface. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Barbra Bellini. What a beautiful name. There's no justice. How could this happen to me? [:np] [:ra 245] CAT comes in. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Maybe I could wear a turban and pretend I'm from India. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Maybe you could stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the ['taazh maxhx'aal.] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, it's you. Well, thanks for visiting me. Thanks a lot. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You know what you look like? You could go out double-dating with the Elephant Man, and he would be the looker. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why isn't it activated? How come no one's started the thaw process? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What? I thought Alphabet Head did it. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT presses a few buttons on the keypad, and lights begin to glow. On the pod the display reads 29 hours, 59 minutes, 57 seconds to revival and the seconds count down. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So who is she? Where did she come from? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Who cares? At last, a date. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Who says she's going to be interested in you? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I see what you're saying. All that time alone in Deep Space could have driven her insane. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No. Say she's just an ordinary woman who doesn't go for your type. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No. I'd have heard about her. She'd have appeared in Ripley's Believe It or Not. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Say she prefers someone else? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Like who? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I dunno. Like me? [:np] [:ra 245] cat smiles. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Buddy, you've got a head like a watermelon. What are you going to do? Paint it with orange and black stripes and tell her you play quarterback with the Bengals? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I just think you're a bit cocky for a guy who's never actually met a real woman before. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I've seen mirrors. I have eyes. Face it, buddy. I have a body that makes men sweat. Have you ever heard of an animal called the Iranian jerd? it can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's me in slo-mo. Put a Black and Decker drill on the end, I can make it through walls. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER enters with KRYTEN. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Listy, what are you doing up? Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes? Who started the RP? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's the problem? She's in there, let's get her out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The problem, [;puhsiykaet']Willum, is this capsule was ejected from a prison ship, on which the convicts mutinied. There was a pitched battle, with only two survivors. one prisoner, and one guard. the erstwhile Miss Bellini. One of those two got into this pod and escaped. But, of course, you'll know all this, having familiarised yourself thoroughly with the black-box recording. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So, if it's not Bellini in there, who is it? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] One of the prisoners. And considering the ship was transporting forty psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong ['aendroydz], we thought it prudent to find out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] With respect, sir, they're not ['aendroydz]. They're simulants. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's the difference? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, the basic difference is that an ['aendroyd] would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Can we stop it, Hol? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] No. One-way process. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Can't we find out who's inside by x-raying the pod? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] No. Lead lining. Has to survive in space. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] there must be some way. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Oh, there is. all you have to do is hang around here for twenty-four hours. Then, if you suddenly turn round and find your limbs are scattered around Deep Space and your necks are full of saliva, you can take it as red it probably wasn't Babs. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Why not tool up with bazookoids, wait for the pod to open, and if it's one of these bad-ass ['aendroyd] dudes, let it eat laser? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Simulants are almost indestructible, sir. It could easily withstand a volley of bazookoid fire at close range. It would certainly survive long enough to make balloon animals out of your lower intestines. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, I see no other option. Let's blast it back into space. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Say it isn't a simulant? We can't just shoot an innocent woman into space. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What a dilemma! Inside that pod is either death or a date. Personally, I'm prepared to take the risk. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Meanwhile, the pod is defrosting, and we still haven't decided what to do. Any ideas, Holly? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Here's a possibility. the black box contains the coordinates of the penal colony the prison ship was heading for. There are bound to be facilities there to contain any hostile form. If it turns out to be Bellini, we release her. If it 's the simulant, we can bung him in a cell and leave him to rot. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] If the colony's still there, and if it's still operational. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's an old ['aendroyd] saying, which, I believe, has particular relevance here. Goes like this. If you don't gosub a program loop, you'll never get a subroutine. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We have a human saying that means the same thing. nothing ventured, nothing gained. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I think the android one is punchier. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug flies from Red Dwarf, heading towards the prison. CAT is piloting. Lister is beside him, still with his swollen head. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You have to sit up here? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's warmer in the front. Seems to help my gunge. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I can't see anything. You're head keeps getting in the way of the mirror. In fact, your head keeps on getting in the way of the windscreen. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer and kryten are in the reer section, voices muffled. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Next! Ah, now, this one, [_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] In the reer section now, on the screen there's a photo of RIMMER in hiking gear, standing next to an incredibly boring piece of machinery with a SKUTTER. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We reached this beauty on the evening of the fourth day. The Cameron-Mackintosh forty-valve, air-cooled diesel. the 184! it's almost identical to the 179, but have you noticed the difference? Can you see the refinement in the funnel edgings? [:np] [:ra 245] kryten looks as though he's being tortured. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I thought, we're not going to get another chance to see one of these, so we bivouacked down under the fuel pump for the night. There's a funny story about that, which I'll tell you later. But we're not going to get to any of the class fives unless we push along. Next! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, can we just take a break for a while? My intelligence circuits appear to have melted. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, we're not going to get through them all if we have a second break. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take. [:np] [:ra 245] From the front section we hear a sort of soggy explosion. There is a pause. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh my godddd! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah! That's better. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT staggers in, covered in yellow slime. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] his [_<300>] head [_<300>q<200>] burst! [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER wanders in behind him. His hair is all matted, and skin is dangling from his head. He tears off a bit and grins amiably. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, man, that is so much better. I feel great. Talk about a weight off your mind. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I don't want to live. Someone, please. Shoot me in the head. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] later, starbug is approaching the Penal colony space station. The space station looks like a pair of scales (a traditional symbol of law and order) about a mile wide and made out of silvery metal. in the cockpit of starbug, Everyone is crowded around LISTER, who is seated in the drive seat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Anything down there, Hol? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] No life forms, not according to heat scan. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Any mechanical intelligence? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Yes, the mainframe's still operational. Just initiating interface. Hang about. Here we go. Getting a message. [:np] [:ra 245] Holly's voice changes to that of the Justice Computer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Welcome to Justice World. Please state your clearance code and prison officer ident. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We're not a prison ship. We don't have a clearance code. We just want to use your facilities. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] State Life-form inventory. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Four: one hologram, one mechanoid, two humanoid. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Transfer ship navicomp to my jurisdiction. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister flips a switch. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] On landing, please disembark and proceed through neutral area to the clearance zone. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug swoops towards the colony. [_<800>] In a corridor on Justice World, CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER and LISTER walk along. it appears to be a derilict corridor. a Sign on the wall reads Neutral Area. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Until you are granted a clearance code, please observe all security requirements. Your party will be met by a consignment of escort boots. [:np] [:ra 245] They exchange glances. From around the corner, four pairs of disembodied boots walk down the corridor towards them. The boots look like metal versions of concrete boots. Electronic lights decorate them. The boots walk up to them, and split open. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Please step into the boots. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER stands inside one pair of the boots, and they close around his feet. The CAT steps into his boots. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm supposed to wear these? They look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs. You haven't got anything with a cuban heel or a crepe sole? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I can't use these, I'm a hologram. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] That has been accounted for. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER and KRYTEN step into their boots. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Now what? [:np] [:ra 245] The boots light up, and all four of them lurch forward as the boots escort them down the corridor, in a variety of funny walks. [_<800>] They file down a corridor. Each of them pauses under a cone of blue light. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's this? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Relax, sir. It's just a mind-probe. [:np] [:ra 245] And the boots lead them on. [_<400>] the clearance zone. The boots escort them into the middle of the room. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's a mind-probe? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The computer was merely searching our minds, presumably for any evidence of criminal activity. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Whu-what ['daxyxuw] mean, criminal activity? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I shouldn't worry, sir. It's just a routine clearance procedure. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So when you say criminal activity, whuh, ur, [;wao<300>~t] exactly do you mean by criminal activity? How criminal do you mean by criminal? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you bleating on about, Lister? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just define criminal activity for me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, imagine a situation where someone had committed a crime and concealed it from the law, the mind-probe would be able to uncover that crime and sentence the person accordingly. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why didn't nobody tell me about this before we put the smegging boots on? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers, or do I detect you're a tad concerned? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, come on, guys! everyone has done something in their past that's a little bit illegal. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I haven't. I've never so much as got a parking fine. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but most people [_<300>] I mean, everyone I knew [_<300>] Aw, smeggin' hell. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So what did you do? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, I mean, like scrumping. I mean, when I was a kid, back in Liverpool, we all used to go scrumping. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Stealing apples? That's hardly a crime. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but me and me mates. [_<300>] we went scrumping for cars. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Did you get caught? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] All the time. I was stupid. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, that's no problem then. You've served your punishment. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but there was other stuff as a kid. Stuff I didn't get caught for. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Like what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There was one time at this hotel, [_<300>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I took the bed. Winched it out of the window to my mate outside. I was renting this flat. It was unfurnished. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So you went to a hotel and stole the bed? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I stole the entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing-table, carpet. Even the fitted wardrobe. The only thing I didn't take were the towels. I'm not proud of it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Absolutely despicable. You are a common thief. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm not making excuses, but everyone was doing it. I wasn't strong enough to go against the flow. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, I wouldn't like to be in your boots right now, buddy. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's going to happen to me? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I wouldn't worry about it, sir. I'm sure they're not interested in a minor misdemeanour you committed as an adolescent over three million years ago. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Seriously, Kryten. you reckon? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Boy, I'm really getting the hang of this lie mode. That was totally convincing, wasn't it? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] The mechanoid Kryten? clearance granted. You are free to go about the complex. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten's boots release him. He steps free. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] The creature known as Cat? clearance granted. [:np] [:ra 245] The Cat's boots also release him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] The human known as Lister? despite a number of petty criminal acts: clearance granted. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER closes his eyes. the boots release him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] The hologram known as Rimmer? Guilty of second-degree murder. One thousand, one hundred and sixty-sevven counts. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No [_<300>] There's some mistake, surely [_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Each count carries a statutory penalty of eight years' penal servitude. In the light of your hologrammatic status, these sentences are to be served consecutively, making a total sentence of nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-eight years. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I've never so much as returned a library book late. Second-degree murder? A thousand people? I would have remembered. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Your wilful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel the Red Dwarf. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [_<400>] Oh, that. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Sentence to commence immediately. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer's boots light up, and he is frogmarched out of the room. [_<800>] RIMMER is still being marched along in his escort boots. He passes under a strange archway bathed in a strange light. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] You are now leaving the Neutral Area and entering the Justice Zone. Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Help! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer's apartment on justice world is A white room, fairly spartan, but it certainly doesn't look like a prison cell. Bed, table, etc. RIMMER is sitting forlornly on the bed in some futuristic prison garb. LISTER comes in. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hi, Killer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nine thousand years. Nine! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I brought you a book. [:np] [:ra 245] he tosses it on the bed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, thanks. That'll help the centuries fly past. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, don't panic, man. We're going to get you out of here. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why bother? I'll be up for parole in a couple of Ice Ages. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten reckons you've got right of appeal. He's trying to get a case together. This isn't a bad place for a prison. How come there are no locks or bars or guards or anything? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There doesn't need to be. The whole prison is covered by something called a Justice Field. I had to sit through this lecture. Apparently it's physically impossible to commit any kind of crime here. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What ['daxyxuw] mean? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Try and commit a crime. You'll see. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Like what? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't know. Anything [_<300>] Arson. Try and set fire to those blankets. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Eh? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just try it. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER crosses to the blankets, takes out his Zippo and holds the flame under the blanket. The blanket doesn't ignite, but Lister's jacket starts smoking at the back. LISTER doesn't realize. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Whatever crime you try and commit, the consequences happen to you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm not with you. [:np] [:ra 245] he Feels the heat from the back of his flaming jacket. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Smegging hell! [:np] [:ra 245] he Takes his jacket off and jumps up and down on it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nice example, Rimmer! You couldn't just have explained that to me verbally? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Same with stealing. Same with everything. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] With you. So if you nick something, something of yours goes missing? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right. Try it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [_<300>] No! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] See? It's the perfect system. It forces the inmates to adhere to the law. And when they get out, it's become second nature. [:np] [:ra 245] KRYTEN enters, followed by the CAT. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Good news. the Justice Computer has sanctioned a re-trial. I think we have a very strong case. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You do? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir. What the mind-probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident. In a way, you tried and convicted yourself. I simply have to establish you're a neurotic, under-achieving emotional retard whose ambition far outstrips his ['mihnihskyxuwl] abilities and who consequently blames himself for an accident for which he could not possibly have been responsible. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're going to try to prove that I was innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Man, there ain't a jury in the land that won't buy a plea like that. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Not a half-wit, exactly. more a buffoon. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right, I see. But how would you even begin to build such a case? Where would you conjure up the evidence? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, providing I can have completely free access to your personal data files, I think I can come up with the outline of a winning case by lunchtime. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] later, in the clearance zone. LISTER and CAT look on. RIMMER is seated in his dress uniform with long-service medals. KRYTEN addresses the court. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The mind-probe was created to detect guilt, yet in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer the guilt it detected attaches to no crime. He held a position of little or no authority on Red Dwarf. He was a lowly grease-monkey, a nothing, a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer doesn't know how to react to this. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under-achievement. His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He's like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation. So, when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident, Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame: it was his ship, ergo his fault. I ask the court: look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen occasions. This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man [_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten. You're going over the top. The computer will never buy it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Trust me, sir. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Understood. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I call my first witness. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER crosses to stand, wearing some sort of apology for a tie. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Name? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Dave Lister. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Occupation? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bum. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Would you describe the accused as a friend? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Take the Fifth! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Answer the question, please. Remember, you're under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, I would describe the accused as a ['giht]. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And there are no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Only one. But she's got a puncture. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Objection. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Overruled. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] So you wouldn't describe him as a man with a good social life? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He partied less than Rudolf Hess. He was totally dedicated to his career. He was in charge of Z shift, and it occupied his every waking moment. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And what was Z shift's most important duty? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, we had lots of duties around the ship, but I suppose our most vital responsibility was making sure the vending machines didn't run out of fun-size Munchie Bars. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Can you envisage a situation where the lack of honeycomb-centered chocolate bars might be the direct cause of a lethal radiation leak? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not off the top of my head, no. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man [:np] [:ra 245] points at rimmer [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awsome stupidity [_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Objection. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Objection overruled. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A man of such awsome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt [_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Objection. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] Overruled. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] An incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot! [_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Objection. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] If you object to your own counsel once more, Mister Rimmer, you'll be in contempt. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Who would put this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a used tea bag, in a position of authority where he could wipe out an entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment. Defence rests. [:np] [:ra 245] He sits down next to Rimmer, and stares fixidly ahead. RIMMER shoots him a little look, not quite sure what to think. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] The defendant will stand for the verdict. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER stands. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] In the view of your counsel's eloquent defence, together with the reams of material evidence he submitted on computer card, this court accepts that, in your case, the mind-probe is not an adequate method of assessing guilt. It is not possible for you to have committed the crimes for which you blame yourself, and you may therefore go free. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Objection! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, what are you objecting to? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I want an apology! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug. KRYTEN and RIMMER come up the ramp, followed by LISTER and CAT. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Brilliant, Kryten. What can I say. You were brilliant. You even had me believing it. The way you twisted the facts to make them seem to fit that pattern. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Come on, let's get out of here. I don't know what made us want to come to this hell-hole in the first place. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I do. [:np] [:ra 245] They all look at the pod. It is open. And it's empty. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Can I smell perfume? [:np] [:ra 245] The SIMULANT lurches into the doorway from the cockpit area, brandishing a bazookoid and an evil-looking handgun. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] I doubt it. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER grabs a bazookoid by the door and starts backing out. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Are you by any chance Barbra Bellini? I didn't think so. [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] The red dwarf crew stream from starbug and flee down a corridor on justice World. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] To think I caressed his pod! [:np] [:ra 245] They leap over the escort boots and run on. [:np] [:ra 245] The SIMULANT is running along. A pair of escort boots shuffles towards him. He blasts the left one. The right boot turns and starts hopping for its life. The SIMULANT takes careful aim and blasts it in the back of the heel [:np] [:ra 245] The CREW race under the archway bathed in strange light. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 10 hs 90 sm 0 ri 100 ap 80 pr 50 sr 10 hr 100 lx 100] [:ra 260] You are now entering the Justice Zone. Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER and RIMMER dash off one way, CAT and KRYTEN go the other. [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] the SIMULANT is walking along, looking for them. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] Hey, my friends, I don't want any trouble. I just want your space craft. Give me the start-up code. Look! [:np] [:ra 245] he Holds up his gun. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] I have no weapon. [:np] [:ra 245] he throws the gun aside. [_<300>] RIMMER and LISTER are on a metal walkway. As the simulant walks under them LISTER has him in his sights. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you waiting for? Gloop him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't. He's not armed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, this isn't a Scout meeting. We're not trying to win the Best-Behaved Troop flag. Gloop him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? In the back? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Of course in the back. It's only a pity he's awake. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You mean you could happily kill him if he was asleep? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I could happily kill him if he was on the job. Gloop him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's immoral. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] Come on, you wouldn't shoot an unarmed droid. Come out and let's discuss it. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER sets aside his gun. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to talk to him. [:np] [:ra 245] the SIMULANT stands, unarmed, as LISTER drops in front of him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You want to talk? Let's talk. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] You have no weapon? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No. You have no weapon? [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] No. [:np] [:ra 245] They walk towards each other. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] Guess what? [:np] [:ra 245] he pulls out a hunting knife. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] I lied. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Guess what? [:np] [:ra 245]he Allows a pole to slide from the arm of his jacket. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So did I! [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] But I lied twice. [:np] [:ra 245] he Pulls out a handgun. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I didn't think of that. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] I'm very glad you didn't. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What did you want to talk about? [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] Your death. [:np] [:ra 245] he Cocks the gun. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] Your imminent death. [:np] [:ra 245] the simulant Fires at Lister's chest. LISTER looks down at his chest. There's no woond. The SIMULANT fires again. Still no woond. And again. No woond. Suddenly three bullet wounds appear in the Simulant's chest. He staggers forwards, bewildered. LISTER hits the Simulant over the head with his pole. Then LISTER reels back, dazed and half-conscious and falls to his knees. The SIMULANT fires again. Another bullet wound appears in the Simulant's body, this time in his shoulder. LISTER staggers to his feet, swings the club again, sideways, catching the Simulant in the midriff, but it's LISTER who feels the impact of the blow and flies down the gangway. He is lying in a crumpled heap. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What the smeg is going on? [:np] [:ra 245] The SIMULANT looks at his gun, casts it aside. Staggers a bit. Takes out the knife again and hurls it at LISTER. The dagger appears in the Simulant's chest. He pulls it out, slightly bemused, and hurls it at LISTER again. This time, it appears in the Simulant's head. LISTER grins. Enlightenment spreads over his features. He grabs a nearby bottle and hands it to the staggering SIMULANT. [:np] [:dv ap 60 pr 10 sr 0 hr 10 la 40 br 40] [:ra 260] [Zzzzzt.] Does not compute. [Zzzzzt.] Error. [Zzzzzt.] Malfunction. [:np] [:ra 245] it smashes it over Lister's head. The SIMULANT staggers and shakes his head. LISTER hands more bottles to the Simulant, who smashes them over Lister's head, staggering and growling with each blow. Finally, LISTER grabs the Simulant's hands, puts them around his neck, and the Simulant tries to throttle him but, obviously, is really strangling himself. Nearly choking to death, he releases his grip and staggers back. LISTER takes out an indelible pen and marks a target on his groin. He walks towards the almost beaten Simulant, thrusting his groin forward as he goes. The SIMULANT kicks Lister in the groin. LISTER stands there, grinning, as the SIMULANT flies backwards and collapses into a defeated heap. The CAT runs up brandishing a huge snow shovel. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I've got him, buddy. Leave this to me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat! No! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Better late than never. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT raises the shovel high over his head, and slams the SIMULANT over the head. The CAT laughs triumphantly. Suddenly, the smile freezes on his face, and he falls backwards onto the metal floor. [_<1400>] [:np] [:ra 245] later, back on red dwarf. LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN and CAT are walking back. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Makes you think, doesn't it? Mankind's history has been one long search for justice. That's what all religions are about: they accept life as being basically unfair but promise everyone will get their just deserts later: heaven, hell, karma, reincarnation, whatever. Those guys who built the penal colony tried to give some order to the universe by creating the Justice Field. But when you're living in an environment where justice does exist, there's no free will. That's why in our universe there can never be true, eternal justice. good things will happen to bad people, and bad things will happen to good people. It's the way it's got to be. Life, by it's very nature, has to be cruel, unkind and unfair. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER falls down an open manhole cover. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Thank god for that. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT puts the lid on, and they walk off. [_<400>] [:np] [:ra 245] the end