[:np :ra245 :ph on]
                RED DWARF, Season 4, Episode 4.  White Hole.
[_<800>]
the screen on a computer displays the following.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
BOOT UP SEQUENCE INITIATED.  VISUAL SYSTEM CCD 517.3.  ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE SYSTEM K177.  MACHINE IDENT is TALKY TOASTER.  MANUFACTURER is TAIWAN                (( CRAPOLA INCORPERATED.  RECOMMENDED RETAIL PRICE is $19.99 PLUS TAX.  AURAL SYSTEM is ON-LINE.
[_<500>][:np :ra245]
The display vanishes, to be replaced with a view of KRYTEN.  it is heavily biased toward the chin, as though shot from beneath, and through a yellow filter.  As we watch, the yellow fades, to be replaced by colours.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Hello?  Can you hear me?  Oh, no, of course not:  I haven't engaged your verbal systems.
[:np :ra245]
He presses some buttons on an off-screen keyboard.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
Science room.  LISTER approaches KRYTEN.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, what you doing, man?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I've just repaired the toaster, Sir.  Well, I've nearly repaired the toaster.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh NO, man!  Dismantle him!  You don't know what the little bleeder's like!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, I've read all the documentation, Sir.  He's simply a talking alarm clock who provides his owner with early morning toast and light conversation.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Not this one.  This one's mental!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Sir?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He's defective.  He wants everyone to eat toast ALL OF THE TIME.  He's obsessed with it.  And if you don't want to eat, like, four hundred rounds of toast EVERY HOUR, he throws a major wobbly.  That's what caused the accident in the first place.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
What accident?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and the fourteen pound lump-hammer.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
That explains why he was down in the garbage hold in three thousand separate pieces.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Another thing.  He always says "Howdy doodly do." Drives you spare.  I mean, what the smeg does "Howdy doodly do" mean?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, just trust me, Sir.  My motives will become clear.
[:np :ra245]
He presses some more buttons on the keyboard.  The TOASTER lights up and speaks.  Its bread-lowering lever moves up and down as it speaks with its mid-Atlantic accent in an impossibly cheerful tone.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Howdy doodly do!  How's it going?  I'm Talky Talky Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion.  talky's the name, toasting's the game.  Anyone like any toast?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, I don't want any toast, and he
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
doesn't want any toast.  In fact, no one around here wants any toast.  Not now, not ever.  NO TOAST.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
How bout a muffin?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OR muffins!  OR muffins!  We don't LIKE muffins around here!  We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no cwassens, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and DEFINITELY no smegging flapjacks!
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Aah, so you're a waffle man!
[:np :ra245]
Lister turns to KRYTEN, exhasperated.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
See?  You see what he's like?  He winds me up, man.  There's no reasoning with him.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
If you'll allow me, Sir, as one mechanical to another.  He'll understand me.
[:np :ra245]
He addresses the TOASTER as one would address an uncontroled child.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Now.  Now, you listen here.  You will not offer ANY grilled bread products to ANY member of the crew.  If you do, you will be on the receiving end of a very large polo mallet.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Can I ask just one question?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Of course.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Would anyone like any toast?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Didn't you HEAR what I just said?
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Yes, but I thought you might have changed your mind in the meantime.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You see?  You see what he's like?
[:np :ra245]
Kryten, who was once so confident that he could reason with the toaster, joins lister in his feelings of exhasperation.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
We haven't changed our mind!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
NO TOAST!
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
But I am a toaster.  It is my raison d'etre.  I toast, therefore I am.  If you don't want any toast, why did you repair me?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, why did you repair him?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
He's a guinea pig for a technique called "Intelligence Compression." His AI chips were very badly damaged in the accident.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
But that was no accident!  That was first-degree toastercide!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Just shut your grill!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER elbows the toaster in the grill, hard.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Ow!
[:np :ra245]
Nothing more happens.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
By re-routing his circuitry, and channelling all his runtime through a single C P U, I've managed to restore his intelligence, at the cost of reducing his operational lifespan.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
So, if it works with him, it could work with Holly.  We could restore her I Q of six thousand.  She could be brilliant again.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
a different section of Red Dwarf.  The entire crew is here.  Cables fill the corridor.  KRYTEN is re-routing circuitry with a large screwdriver.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You really think this can work?  You really think that airhead of a computer can become a genius again?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, with no disrespect to Holly, Sir, it could hardly make her worse.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Right.  If we can just teach her to count without banging her head on the screen it's gonna be an improvement.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Computer senility.  Such a weird condition.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I know.  I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction.  His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble." A sad case.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, if you ask me, the Eskimos had the right idea.  They KNEW how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled.  Middle of the night, they'd take them out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas, and just leave them to it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
And that's how the Eskimos cared for their old people?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Absolutely.  That's why there's no Eskimo word for Eastbourne.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
If we can pull this off, man, if Holly CAN get her brains back, she'll be able to do anything.  Invent a hyperdrive, get us back to Earth
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
If Earth still exists.  And if it does, it's very doubtful the human race will have survived.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
All right then, a time machine.  She can invent a time machine, and we could all pick whatever period in history we wanted to live in.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, it'll be the nineteenth century for me.  One of Napoleon's marshals.  The chance to march across Europe with the greatest general of all time and kill Belgians.  Marvellous.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What about you, Kryters?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, if I could go anywhere, absolutely anywhere at all in time, I think I'd probably choose to go back to a week last Tuesday.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Don't you remember?  I did all the laundry, and then we watched TV.  Wow, we won't see the like of THOSE sorts of days again.
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY appears on the viewscreen.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
How long now?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Nearly there, Hol.  Just a couple of minutes to load the circuits and, I dunno, maybe a minute to finalise the connection.
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY bangs her head on the screen, once, twice, three times.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
So, it's just three minutes then?  Better get down to the science room.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
We'd better pray to God this works.  That ion storm has really done her head in, man.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
Science room.  HOLLY's console is surrounded by cables in what looks like a string-and-sticky-tape operation.  Skutters rush about manipulating cables.
[:tone<3000,50>]
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
There's the signal.  Everything's set.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Well, let's just hope you don't get an overload.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
What happens if I DO get an overload?
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
You'll explode.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Oh.
[:np :ra245]
Holly needs some thinking time.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
It'd be worth it.
[:np :ra245]
A skutter pulls a wire.  A rumble begins to build.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
It's coming!  I can feel it!
[:np :ra245]
The rumble builds up.  Electrical sparks shoot up and down the cables.  minor explosions occur.  HOLLY's image on the viewscreen shatters and flies outward.  The viewscreen displays
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
NEW I Q RATING is 68.
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY's face reappears, with eyes crossed and a goofy expression.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
NEW I Q RATING is 368.
[:np :ra245]
Again, the image explodes, to be replaced by a more normal-looking HOLLY, but the head seems to waver as though under great stress.
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
NEW I Q RATING is 2,368.
[:np :ra245]
When the display settles to
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
NEW I Q RATING is 12,368
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY's image vanishes from the viewscreen.  Her head appears, hologramatically, within the science room, about two feet off the ground and four feet tall.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Strike a light, I'm a genius again!  I know everything!  Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being.  everything!  Ask me a question, any question, and I'll answer it!
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Any question?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Yes.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
How to break the speed of light?  How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics?  Any question at all, truly anything, and you will answer?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Yes.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Okay, here's my question:  Would you like some toast?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
No, thank you.  Now ask me another.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I know everything there is to know about chaos theory in predicting weather cycles!
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Oh, very well.  Here's my second question:  Would you like a crumpet?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
[:ra100]I'm a computer with an I Q of twelve thousand.  You don't seem to understand.  I know the meaning of the universe!
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
That is not answering my question.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
No, I would not like a crumpet!  Ask me a sensible question.  Preferably one that isn't bread related.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Very well, I have a third question.  A sensible question.  A question that will tax your new I Q to its very limits and stretch the sinews of your knowledge to bursting point.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Certainly not.  And I resent the implication that I am a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed electrical appliance.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I apologise, toaster.  What's the question?
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
The question is this:  Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite, would you like a toasted tea-cake?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
That's another bready question.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
It's not just bready, it's quite curranty too.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Ask me a question that is wholly unbready and not even slightly curranty.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Okay.  Why have you got an I Q of twelve thousand when it was supposed to return and level out at six?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Good question!  There was a miscalculation.  My I Q has doubled, but my life expectancy has been substantially reduced.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
So what is your life expectancy?
[:np :ra245]
With a
[:tone<3000,50>]
the viewscreen in the background pops up with:
[:nh :ra200 :dv hs 115 ap 75 pr 0 hr 0]
LIFE EXPECTANCY is 345.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
345 years?  Well, it's better than a kick in the breadtray.
[:np :ra245]
Holly is not so sure.  He is worried.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Missed the decimal point
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
You have only three point four one years left to live?
[:np :ra245]
Apparently the toaster stil hasn't got the answer right.  He's only made holly more distressed.  Holly is now panaking.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
That's not years, that's minutes: 3.41  minutes!
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Well, here's my next question:  What the smeg are you going to do?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
In order to conserve my remaining runtime, I'm going to switch myself off!
[:np :ra245]
The hologrammatic HOLLY fades out.
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Wait!  Before you go!  There is one question.  an important one!  The others will have to know!
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY fades back in.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
What?  WHAT?
[:np] [:dv br 100 lx 100 bf 100 hr 100 sr 100 as 100 qu 100 ap 110 pr 150 sx 1 la 0]  [:ra 210]
Would you like a cheese-and-ham brabble?
[_<800>][:np :ra245][:np :ra245]
Corridor.  The crew are returning to the science room.  LISTER and KRYTEN lead.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
No indication of signal failure.  All the signs are excellent.  I really believe we've done it!
[:np :ra245]
All the lights fade and die.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What's happened?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER flicks out his Zippo and lights it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's going on?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Listen!  Can anyone hear anything?
[:np :ra245]
There is a pause which reveals silence.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
No.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Precisely.  No one can hear anything!  And you know WHY we can't hear anything?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Why?
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN sounds doomed.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Because there are NO sounds to hear.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Kryten, isn't it round about this time of year that your head goes back to the lab for ree tuning?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, no, he's right.  There's no sounds because the engines are dead.  We've lost all power!
[:np :ra245]
He walks forward and taps the door-open panel.  Nothing happens.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Everything's down, even the doors!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We've got to get to the science room.  find out what happened.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
But there are fifty-three doors between here and the science room!  What on Earth are we going to do?
[:np :ra245]
Cat seems to have a bright idea.  He snaps his fingers.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, I got it!  We laser our way through!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
An excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks.  One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, they're only interior doors.  They're only a light alloy. Maybe we could get through them if we use a battering ram.  All we need is something, say, I dunno, six foot long, fairly sturdy, with a flat top.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and RIMMER both look toward KRYTEN.  KRYTEN turns to see what they are looking at, to find CAT grinning at him.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Fifty-three doors!  You can't be serious!
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER and LISTER nod.
[_<800>][:np :ra245][:np :ra245]
Science room.  The door is knocked in by CAT and LISTER, holding a six-foot long, fairly sturdy, flat-topped battering ram between them.  They enter, and stand him up.  KRYTEN's eyes stare into the mid-distance.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You okay, man?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'm fine, thank you, Susan.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It doesn't make sense.  Holly seems to have off lined and powered down the ship.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why?  Why would she want to turn herself off?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We can soon find out.  Kryten, boot her up.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN presses some buttons on the keyboard.  The viewscreen powers up with an image of the new, superintelligent HOLLY, and promptly powers down again.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Try it again.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN presses some buttons, the viewscreen comes up with a view of HOLLY.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Go way!
[:np :ra245]
She powers down again.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What's going on?  Give me voice control on the reboot command.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN enters the command.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
On.
[:np :ra245]
The viewscreen powers up, to display HOLLY.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Off.
[:np :ra245]
It powers down again.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
On
[:np :ra245]
Holly
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Off
[:np :ra245]
Gone
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
On
[:np :ra245]
Holly
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Off
[:np :ra245]
Gone
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Kryten, is there any way we can override her shutdown veto?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
There is, Sir, but may I suggest that [_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Don't, just do it.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN enters the command.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
On.
[:np :ra245]
Holly returns.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Off.
[:np :ra245]
Nothing happens.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Off.
[:np :ra245]
Nothing continues to happen.  Holly is frustrated.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
OFF!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Now then, perhaps we can have a proper conversation conducted in a civilised and dignified manner.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Take out the inhibitor!  Switch me back off!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What is going on?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
No time to explain.  Intelligence compressed.  Reduced lifespan.  2.35 remaining.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Come again?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I Q twelve thousand.  Two minutes and closing.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Holly, I haven't the slightest clue what you're drivelling about.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
You're a total smeghead, aren't you Rimmer?  Why are you so unable to grasp this extraordinarily simple premise?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What premise?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
The premise that I am about to expire in just under two minutes.  Understand, moose brain?  Any further questions?  Take your time.  1 minute 30 and counting.  No rush.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
My God, that's terrible!  Hadn't we better switch you off?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Oh, I don't know.  Let me see now
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Get her off, man, get her off!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN powers HOLLY down.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Great.  So where does this leave us?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It leaves us floating aimlessly in space, with no navigation and a rapidly diminishing emergency power supply.  It leaves us galloping up diarrhoea drive without a saddle.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So how come Grand Canyon Nostrils is still here?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, Rimmer hasn't been wiped!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Holly must have linked him up to the emergency power supply.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
But isn't that an enormous drain?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Yes, but if we switch off his projection unit, we wouldn't have enough emergency power to re initialise it.  Mister Rimmer would be effectively dead.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, things are looking up already!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Forget it.  Whatever it is you're suggesting, forget it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
But the entire ship is running on emergency battery power only.  With the oxygen recycler and minimal heating and lighting, I estimate that Lister and the Cat have approximately two months left.  Without your drain on the power, they might last six.  I'm sorry, Sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Sorry?  Why are you sorry?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life!  I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
YOU?  You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
No, I'd sacrifice YOUR life for the good of the crew.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I beg you to reconsider, Sir.  Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice.  Remember Captain Oates:  "I'm going out for a walk.  I may be some time."
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Yes, but the thing is, about Captain Oates.  the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates [_<300>] Captain Oates [_<300>] Captain Oates was a prat.  If that had been me, I'd have stayed in the tent, what's got over the head with a frozen husky, and then eaten him.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You would too, wouldn't you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
History, Lister, is written by the winners.  How do we know that Oates went out for this legendary walk?  From the only surviving document:  Scott's diary.  And he's hardly likely to have written down, "February the First, bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept, then scoffed him along with the last packet of instant mash." How's that going to look when he gets rescued, eh?  No, much better to say, "Oates made the supreme sacrifice," while you're dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You've got no magnificence in your soul, have you, Rimmer?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Let's just say we can eliminate the switch-off option.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So what do we do now?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, it's back to basics.  We've got no heat, no light, no power.  we can't get any food out of the dispensing machines.  we're gonna have to scavenge for what we can find in the cargo decks.  Without computers and technology, we're reduced to the level of primitives.  All we've got is us guys, us and our own resourcefulness.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
My God, it's worse than I thought!
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
Sleeping quarters. Later.  In the foreground, we see LISTER on an exercise bicycle, pedalling.  CAT in the background holds a hair dryer.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Come on, come on!  You're slowing down!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I've been doing it for twenty minutes, of course I'm slowing down!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Keep going, buddy, we're nearly there!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, face it, man.  It's just not possible to fry an egg using a bicycle-powered hair dryer.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Sure it is!  It's just YOU never pedal fast enough!  Come on, keep pumping!  One last try!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER starts pedalling furiously.  The hair dryer starts up.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
yeh!  We're cookin now!  How do you want yours?  Permed or blowdried?
[:np :ra245]
Lister is slowing to a stop.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I can't go on, man.  I'm finished.
[:np :ra245]
He gets off the bike and collapses in a chair.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Finished.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So what are you saying?  We're back on the cold beans again?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh, not more beans man.  This place is beginning to smell like the inside of a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Plus, we're gonna have to spend another twenty minutes sawing the lid off the can cuz all the openers are electric.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Everything on the smegging ship's electric, man.  Heat, light, doors.  I never realised how dependent we were.  I never realised how little I know.  I just plugged things in walls and pressed the "on" button.  I don't even know how to make oxygen.  All I know is it's got something to do with plants and ends in "osis." Or is it "esis?" I, I don't know!  Why is it I never paid attention in Biology class?  Why did I always turn to page 47 and start drawing little beards and moustaches on the sperms?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Look, just conserve your energy.  Stan and Ollie will soon be back with supplies.  Meanwhile, let's just stay warm and get some sleep.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, man, you're right.  You're right.
[:np :ra245]
He gets up and starts heading toward the bunks.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, hey, where you going, bud?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
To get some sleep.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
It's Tuesday, right?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, so?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
My turn on the electric blanket.
[:np :ra245]
Pointing at the exercycle) PEDAL.  He's then Crawling into the bunk.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Wake me in eight hours.
[:np :ra245]
Meanwhile, in one of the storage levels, RIMMER appears around a corner, with KRYTEN following with a cartful of supplies.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Five days to get to and from the cargo deck.  It's unbelievable!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
That's two thousand floors, Sir.  Without the lift, we made pretty good time.
[:np :ra245]
An explosion rips them into pieces, shifts them right, and reconstitutes them.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Interesting.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN pushes his right hand to the left, where it elongates into a paddle.  He follows it, and stretches horizontally.  His resemblance to a cube, normally due to the presence of right angles, is enhanced somewhat by the new width-to-height ratio.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
[:dv ap 25 :ra 100]
What happened?  What on Earth was that?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[:dv ap 500 :ra 300]
I think it came from outside the ship.  Are you okay?  Is there any way we can get a damage report?  What's going on?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
[:dv ap 25 :ra100]
Why are you speaking so quickly, Sir?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[:dv ap 500 :ra300]
I'm not speaking quickly.  I'm speaking perfectly normally.  It's you.  You're speaking too slowly.  It's like having a conversation with Paul Robeson on dope.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN steps back to RIMMER's side, regaining his normal proportions.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
How do I sound now?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Normal.  How do I sound?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Likewise.
[:np :ra245]
Now RIMMER steps to the left, and attains the cross-sectional area of a squashed Jovian beetle.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[:dv ap 25 :ra100]
What about from over here?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
[:dv ap 500 :ra300]
You sound very peculiar, indeed, Sir.  In fact, you sound as if you're speaking in slow motion.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN joins RIMMER, and both regain normal measurements.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
And now?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Normal.  Curious.  It's as though we're experiencing relative time dilation in an amazingly compressed space.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That's exactly what I thought.  Relative time dilation, I thought, in an amazingly compressed space.  You're a mind-reader, Kryten.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I think we should go up to the science room and consult Holly.  It's only two floors up.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But she's got less than two minutes of runtime left.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
With her new I Q, it could be enough.
[:np :ra245]
They step back to "normality" and head off.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
We see the White Hole.  It resembles a white star, surrounded by a shifting white cloud.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
Science room.  CAT is sitting on a bench, LISTER on a table.  RIMMER and KRYTEN stand between them.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So, what is it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I've never seen one before, no one has, but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
A white hole?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe:  a white hole returns it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So, that thing's spewing time back into the universe?
[:np :ra245]
He dons his fur-lined hat.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Precisely.  That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So, what is it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I've never seen one before, no one has, but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
A white hole?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe:  a white hole returns it.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER takes off his hat, just so he can put it back on again.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] 
So, that thing's spewing time back into the universe?
[:np :ra245]
He dons his fur-lined hat, again.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Precisely.  That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What time phenomena?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Like just then, when time repeated itself.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So, what is it?
[:np :ra245]
They all stare at him.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Only joking.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Okay, so it's decided then.  We consult Holly.
[:np :ra245]
Lister is in the position of an army soldier, alert and awake.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, wait a minute, I missed the discussion!
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER has suddenly moved to right next to cat.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We all did.
[:np :ra245]
Kryten is now standing on the table.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Time is occurring in random pockets.  The laws of causality no longer apply. An action no longer leads to a consequence.
[:np :ra245]
Now CAT is back on the bench.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So, what is it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I think we've experienced this period of time before, Sir.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Only joking.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
And that one.  Since we're no longer affected by the laws of causality, we can override these time jumps if we concentrate.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, the only way out of this is to consult Holly.
[:np :ra245]
Cat snaps his fingers.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I'll go with that.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Gets my vote.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Okay, so it's decided then.  We consult Holly.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Ah, I think we've just encountered the middle of this conversation!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So, what is it?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Ooh, someone punch him out.  Bring Holly up.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
She only has two minutes left.  Perhaps I should talk to her.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Leave this to me, Kryten.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER starts talking To the terminal.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
On.
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY fades into being on the viewscreen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[:np :ra500]White hole Spewing time Engines dead Air supply low Advise please.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Excuse me?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[:ra600]White hole Spewing time Engines dead
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
I can't understand a word you're saying.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
White.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Yes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Hole.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Right.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Spewing.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Yes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Time.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
With you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Engines dead.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Oh.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Air supply low.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Ah.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Advise please.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Right.
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY fades out again.  Instantly the dispenser beneath disgorges a credit-card sized piece of plastic.  Kryten takes it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's a computer slug.  From the format, it looks like it's compatible with Starbug's navicomp.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So, what is it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I've never seen one before, no one has, but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
A white hole?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Every action has an equal and opposite
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
They settle into the rear section of Starbug.  KRYTEN inserts the computer slug into the slot of the Starbug's navicomp.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Should be getting something now, Sir.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
We get a shot of the navicomp display.  It's a beautiful hologrammatic representation of the nearby region of space.  There are two stars.  the one on the left has a blue and a green planet.  the one on the right has a single red planet.  As we watch, the planets revolve around their respective stars.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's the most audacious piece of astronavigation in the entire history of the Universe.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I don't understand.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's quite straightforward, Sir.
[:np :ra245]
As KRYTEN speaks, the hologrammatic display demonstrates.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Starbug is going to fire a thermonuclear device into this sun here
[:np :ra245]
The display shows an in-scale Starbug approaching the left star and firing something at it
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
creating a solar flare which is going to knock that planet
[:np :ra245]
The hologrammatic star flares, blowing the blue planet out of its orbit
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
out of orbit, and sending it rocketing across space and into the white hole, presumably blocking it up.
[:np :ra245]
The hologrammatic white hole flares as the blue planet falls into it, and vanishes.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Let me get this straight.  Is she doing what I think she's doing?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Why?  What DO you think she's doing?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Playing pool with planets.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Is that possible?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, it's not going to work.  It's completely insane.  It's whacko.  It's noodle-doodle.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
I'm with you, buddy.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, not the idea, the shot.  There's not enough side.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
"Side?"
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, side-spin.  It's a complete mis-cue.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What are you drivelling about, Lister?  We're talking about a computer with an I Q in excess of twelve thousand.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Doesn't mean she can play pool.  I can.  Trust me.  I know whereof I speak.  Aigburth Arms on a Friday night.  They used to call me Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister cuz once I was on the table, you couldn't get rid of me.  This pool arm is as sound as a pound, and I promise you that shot will not come off.  She's topped it, that's what she's done, she's topped it!  It's a felt-ripper!  That planet is off the table and into somebody's pint of beer.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We are talking about the trigonomics of four-dimensional space, you simple-minded gimboid!  We are not talking about some seedy game of pool in a backstreet Scouse drinking pit.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's the same principle.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Of course it isn't!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, I promise you, THAT is a complete mis-cue.  I say we chuck Holly's coordinates in the bin and let ME take the shot.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, I say we put it to the vote.  On one hand, we have a computer, with an I Q in excess of twelve thousand, who has a total grasp of astrophysics.  And on the other hand, we have Lister, who, and let's be fair to him, is a complete gimp.  To whom do we entrust our lives, the safety of this vessel and the future of everything?  If it's a tie, we go with Holly.  What's your vote, Lister?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, I vote for Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
One-nil to Listypoos.  I vote for Holly.  Cat?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Well, I agree with you, buddy.  But I'm voting for Doodoo Breath.  The thing is, even though you're right, I could not bring myself to vote for someone with your dress sense.  I couldn't put my cross next to the Bri-nylon party.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Down to you, Kryten.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, I agree it's insane and suicidal, Sir, but I'm afraid I have to side with the human.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Brutal!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're voting for El Dirtball?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's in my programming, Sir.  A living human outranks a hologram.  I'm sorry.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Three-one to me!  Let's do it!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Congratulations, Kryten.  Your vote has just killed everyone.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Will you relax?  I've seen Gerbil-Face play down in the Recreation Room.  He's a diva!  He can knock those striped balls around the table all night long, and I tell you what, I have never once seen him lose a single ball down one of those holes!
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
Hologrammatic display.  Starbug is in position.  In the rear, LISTER, near the navicomp hologram, has a robotic-style pool cue.  He sets up so he can "shoot" through the hologram.  He lowers the "cue" and drinks from a can.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
How many of those are you going to drink?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I told you not to talk.  Game on.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You're going to drink an entire six-pack of wicked-strength lager?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm not gonna get plastered, Rimmer, just [_<300>] just nicely drunk.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Define "nicely drunk." Is "nicely drunk" horizontal or perpendicular?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, I can handle it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'm not sure I can.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We're in the wrong position.  It's an easier shot if we go over here.
[:np :ra245]
He moves into the "better" position and lines up the shot.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But that's right in the orbital path of the planet!  If you miss, we're going to get a planet in the face.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm not gonna mish.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
"Mish?"
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You said "mish." "I'm not gonna mish," you said.  You've only had two cans and you're steaming!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, will you relax?  I know what I'm doing!  I am not pished!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER walks toward the cockpit and into the door.  RIMMER covers his face.  The Navicomp shows the hologrammatic view.  The planets orbit their stars.  A flashback, in black and white, a pool table, midway through a game.  LISTER examines the table critically, drags on a cigarette, puts it in his ear, and lines up a shot.  Current.  in colour, Starbug.  LISTER is lining up his "shot" on the Navicomp hologram.  The flashback LISTER fine-tunes his shot, The current LISTER fires his shot.  On the Navicomp, a solar flare leaps from the surface of the star, washing the blue planet out of orbit.  A blue planet is enveloped in flame, and leaves its orbit.  On the Navicomp, we see the hologrammatic blue planet heading straight toward the other star, missing the white hole by about half the width of the screen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
He's missed.
[:np :ra245]
On the Navicomp, the blue planet strikes the red planet, with a spark. The red planet is displaced.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
We're finished!
[:np :ra245]
The hologrammatic red planet slingshots out of its orbit, toward the recently vacated-by-a-blue-planet star.  Here it strikes the green.  There is a flare of sparks, and the green is deflected out of its orbit.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What the smeg is going on?
[:np :ra245]
We see on the Navicomp that the green planet is heading straight toward the white hole.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
She rides!
[:np :ra245]
The green planet shoots into the white hole, and it implodes to nothingness.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You jammy goit!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Played for, and got!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Surely not, Sir!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Are you trying to say that was a trick shot?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Intended!  Pool God!  King of the Cues!  Prince of the Planet-Potters!
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Ere, what's going on?  Where are we?
[:np :ra245]
It's apparently the old, single-digit I Q HOLLY who's just appeared on the moniter.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
What happened to that plan to make me brilliant again?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Of course!  Blocking up the white hole has eradicated its influence!  The time it spewed into the universe no longer exists.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Meaning?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, basically, we occupy a redundant timeline.  Reviving the toaster, making Holly a genius.  none of this is going to have happened.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What about us?  Are we just going to pop out of existence?  Just going to cease to be?
[:np :ra245]
During KRYTEN's response, the walls in the background fade from view, being replaced by a starfield.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
We will cease to be HERE, because none of this will have occurred.  But we will exist back on Red Dwarf, before all this began.  With, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened.  And as these events never happened, we will have no memory of them.  In which case, Mister Rimmer, Sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever been my misfortune to encounter!
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
The End.