[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 245] Red dwarf. Season 4, Episode 5. [_<300>]Dimension Jump. [_<800>] We see a view of two planets, and the camera pans towards a city on one of them. Cut to earth, rimmer's mother is walking through some sort of greenhouse. [:nr] Arnold? Arnold! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer, aged seven, is hanging up-side-down in a tree. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] I'm here, Mother! [:nr] Ah. You know your father and I have been terribly worried about your progress at school. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] Yes, Mother. [:nr] You just haven't been getting the marks we think you're capable of. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] No, Mother. [:nr] Well, a few days ago I went to see the headmaster. He said it might be in your best interest if you were to be kept back a year, if you were to stay in Junior D for another year. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] Oh. [:nr] Is that all you've got to say? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] Well, it is quite difficult to talk when you're tied upside-down to a tree. [:nr] Have you been playing with Howard and Frank? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] Yes. [:nr] Well, what on Earth were you playing? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 230 pr 65] [:ra 220] Well, I said it was such a shame we hadn't got a swing, and they said they could make one. But I didn't realize they was going to make one out of me. [:nr] Well, that's nice, darling. Anyway, your father had a word with the headmaster and we explained how much we wanted you to be a test pilot in the Space Corps, like your brother John, and how this could damage your chances. We got this this morning. [:np] [:ra 245] she opens a letter [:nr] You realize how important this is. This decision could completely alter the whole course of your life. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] "Twenty Years Later." [_<400>] we see an external view of a small, sleek spacecraft, then the inside of the cockpit showing silver- helmeted pilot, with music reminiscent of the film Top Gun. Shot of the craft landing at a base, with "Space Corps Test Base/Mimas/Saturn" superimposed. We see the pilot from behind, walking down a corridor past a few uniformed men who applaud. Pan to his front, as he removes his sunglasses to reveal a strong, cocksure, handsome man [_<400>] Arnold Rimmer. He walks up to Spanners, who looks just like Lister but with short hair, a moustache, and eyeglasses, and a more "generic" English accent. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Woah! Welcome home, Ace! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Bless you, Spanners, old friend, it's good to be back. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, how's she behave? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] The lightship? Like a frolicking filly in a harvest-time pasture. How you and your boys down in Engineering got that crate to break the light barrier I'll never know. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, some people might say it's the devilishly brave and handsome guy in the cockpit that did it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Tish, pshaw and nonsense. Any old twit can hug the event horizon of a black hole, then loop-de-loop 'round the spinning singularity at twice the speed of light, then slam the engines into reverse and blast out of an imploding nebula! It's you and your guys with the magic wrenches down on Engineering, Spanners. You're the ones that break the records. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You'll be going to this party thing they're throwing for you tonight, I suppose? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Good God, no. Heroes' welcomes with 21 gun salutes in front of the entire Admiralty send me to the land of Nod, Spanners. I'll be down in the mess with the salt-of-the-earth engineering boys as per usual. See you there at 1900? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] See [yxuh] later, Ace. [:np] [:ra 245] They clasp hands and Ace strides off. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What a guy! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Further down the corridor, Ace Rimmer encounters a chaplain who looks remarkably like the Cat, dressed in plain coveralls and sporting a pipe and grey moustache. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ah, welcome home, son. You've been in all of our prayers, you know? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Bless you, Padre. How's little Tommy? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He's pulled tru. Be on his feet in no time, tanks tuh you. Sitting by his bedside day after day, night after night, holding his hand, reading him stories, [_<300>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] You know me, chaplain. Any old excuse to get out of dinner with the Admiral. Listen, 1900 we're having a bit of a bash down in the mess. It would mean a lot to me if you were there. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, tank yuh, son. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] 1900. [:np] [:ra 245] Ace continues down the corridor. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What a guy! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Ace strides in to the office of some officer and is greeted by the secretary, Mellie, who bears a not-so-surprising resemblance to Holly, but with a whole body and shorter hair. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 0 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Say, you dog, you're back. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Did you ever doubt it, when I've got someone like you to come back to? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 0 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] [uwuwuw], if only it were true. What are you doing lunchtime? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Not sure. Why? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 0 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Because if you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I'm sorry, Mellie, I don't fraternize with the staff. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 0 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I resign. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I'll be there at 1300. [:np] [:ra 245] Ace enters the inner office, which is occupied by Bongo, who could be Kryten if only he were a tad more mechanical and had much squarer features. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You're back. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Fraid so. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Had the feeling you might be. Rubber shares went up this morning. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] You wanted to see me, Bongo? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ever hear of a thing called the dimension theory of reality? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Doesn't that run along the lines of, there is an infinite number of parallel universes where every possibility exists? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's along those lines, yeah. The basic tenet states that for every decision that's made, the alternative decision is played out in another reality. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] So? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] So, the lab boys have come up with a drive that can break the speed of reality. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Those boffins have hammered together a crate that can cross dimensions? When do I launch? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a one-way ticket, Ace. There's no coming back. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I'm free at 1500. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You do realize, this is a prototype? there's no way of knowing if it'll even get there. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Where's there, exactly? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You'll be transported to an alternative reality, a reality where there's another Arnold Rimmer. Some decision was made at some point in your life where he went one way, and you went the other. You might find he's quite different to you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Sounds like quite a caper. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You'll do it? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I'm a test pilot in the Space Corps, Bongo. It's my job to do it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I know that this probly won't interest you, but I'd hate myself for the rest of my life if I didn't at least suggest it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Suggest what? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters at lunchtime, covered in torama salada. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I didn't know your bread was buttered that side, Bongo. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It isn't. I've been happily married for 35 years. It's just, a chap like you can turn a guy's head. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I'm sorry, Bongo. Lunch is [_<400>] on Mellie. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Would it make any difference if it was[_<400>] hummus? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I'm sorry, Bongo. I'm strictly "butter-side-up". [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Understood. [:np] [:ra 245] Ace leaves the office. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 120 sr 40 hr 40 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What a guy! [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] in the hangar containing the prototype spacecraft, Mellie, Spanners, Bongo and the chaplain are lined up to watch it take off. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] God speed and bless you, son! [:np] [:ra 245] Ace is in the cockpit [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] All systems check. Let's get this cart up into the big black. Ignition! [_<300>] chocks away! [_<300>] Bye, Bongo. Bye, Spanners! Bye, Padre. Bye, Mellie. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast. [:np] [:ra 245] everyone say their goodbyes. The prototype ship launches and moves away. [_<1000>] meanwhile, in Red Dwarf, inside a dim cabin. Rimmer is asleep on the bottom bunk, Lister is lying on the top bunk, and Kryten is standing with a fishing hat and a large net. Kryten holds his finger to his lips as Lister, wearing fishing lures in his hat, quietly gets out of bed and gets a tackle box from the corner. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lights! [:np] [:ra 245] the room brightens [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you doing? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are we doing? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, what are you doing? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just nipping down to the cinema, to catch the midnight movie. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What, dressed like that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. Going to see Jaws. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're going fishing, aren't you? That ocean planet we passed two days ago. You're going fishing without me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, come off it, man. Don't be ridiculous. [:np] [:ra 245] The Cat walks in, also wearing fishing garb, although of a terribly fashionable sort. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, what are you doing with the lights on? Come on, let's get out of here before, [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't believe it. All three of you. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's he talking about? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I dunno. For some reason he's got this crazy, wacked-out idea that we're all going on a fishing holiday. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] A fishing holiday? [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer picks up a note from the table and reads it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] "Dear Rimmer, We have gone on a fishing holiday to the ocean planet we passed two days ago. We tried to wake you but couldn't. See you in three weeks. L, K, and C." [_<300>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, please, sir. They forced me to do it. I had no choice. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why did you want to go without me? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We didn't want to go without you. We just thought it wasn't your scene. I mean, fishing, that's boring, isn't it? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I love fishing! The glow of the dawn, the line arcing into the water, [_<300>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's it! That's exactly the reason we didn't invite you. There's no fish. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That, at least, is true, sir. We sent down a search probe and there is no marine life on the entire planet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We're just gonna sit out on Starbug, dangle the rods over the side and have a few cans, you know, chill out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't believe anybody'd want to go on a fishing holiday where they know there's no fish. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, we used to do it all the time, back home. We used to go down to the canal. Never any fish in that! We used to go condom fishing. I swear! One time I caught this two-pound black ribbed nobler! It was about that big! [:np] [:ra 245] he holds his hands about half a meter apart [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why didn't you just say, "Dear Rimmer, We're going on a fishing holiday and we don't want you to come"? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] See, that's what I said we should say! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't know what it is about me. All my life, it's been the same old story. It's not easy, you know, to come in every night, look in that mirror, and see a guy nobody likes. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How do you think we feel? We got to look at it all day! [:np] [:ra 245] lister shushes the cat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, we just thought you wouldn't want to come. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I tried to be liked, God knows I tried. I regaled you with amusing stories of when I was treasurer of the Hammond Organ Owners' Society. You never laugh. I offer to talk you through my photo collection of twentyeth century telegraph poles. You've always got some excuse! None of you like morris dancing! Would that break your hearts, every once in a while, the four of us getting our knees in the air! the jingle of bells, the clonk of wood on wood? But no, every time I suggest it you all pretend to be ill. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've got it wrong, man. We just thought you wouldn't want to come. Now we know you do, great, you can come. The way you're going on about it, it's like some major conspiracy, we've been planning it for days. We haven't. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Really? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Really. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All right, then, I'll come. I'll just get changed. Holly? [:np] [:ra 245] Holly appears on the screen. [_<300>] wearing a fishing cap. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Oh, who woke him up? [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] the group bored starbug and it flies away from red dwarf. Kryten is clearly the pilot and rimmer is clearly nervous. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Steady now, Kryten. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Best to get there in one piece than to rush it and cause an accident, eh? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I have passed my test, sir; I am a fully qualified pilot. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer points madly at a star. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Mind that star! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wha? That star is over two light years away, sir. We're nowhere near it! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There's no percentage in being a boy racer, Kryten. Okay, you've passed your test, Mind that planet! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Which planet? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That planet! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's, That's the planet we're heading to, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Excellent. Excellent. Plot an orbital course, we'll be there in no time. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes, sir, I have done, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, and get the second stage under way. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I already have done, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But you haven't correlated the data with the main computer banks, have you? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes, sir, I have, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You know, You know your trouble, Kryten? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What, sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're a [giht.] [:np] [:ra 245] lister and the cat are sat in the back. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Stupid. Three weeks stuck with Captain Yawn. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, it wasn't my fault. I could've sweet-talked our way out of it if you hadn't've blown the whole gaffe. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Me? What did I do? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I could've sweet-talked my way out of it, but oh, no, you had to come blundering in with your size 12's. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You are so two-faced! Why haven't you got the guts just to tell the dude nobody likes him? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, yeah, great. Brilliant. What'm I supposed to say? "Excuse me, man. D'you know you're about as popular as a horny dog at a Miss Lovely Legs competition"? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's what I'd do! I'd say [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer walks in [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hi, buddy, how's it [gowihn]? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Agh, I just had to get out of there. He's driving me nuts! I cannot stand front-seat drivers. Well, come on, there's not a lot going on in here. We're on holiday! Let's cheer things up a bit. How bout some music? I've brought my Hammond c deeze with me. How about "Reggie Wilson plays the Lift Music Classics"? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister shakes his head [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What about "Sounds of the Supermarket: 20 Shopping Greats"? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Has anyone seen the keys to the medical cabinet? I feel a sudden urge to suffocate myself with a two-pound black ribbed nobler. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not Reggie Wilson, please, Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You don't like Reggie Wilson? What? Not even "Pop goes Delius" or "Funking up Wagner"? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I prefer something slightly more melodious, like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Come on, you bores. Let's do something. How about we all sing campfire songs? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [kuh<250,12>m bay<250,16> ah<500,19> may<125,19> lor<500,19>~d kuh<187,21>m bay<250,21> ah<750,19>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Everyone! Kryten! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [kuh<250,12>m bay<250,16> ah<500,19>] [:np] [:ra 245] holly blesedly interrupts. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Purple alert, purple alert! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's a purple alert? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, it's sort of like, not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert. Kind of like a mauve alert, don't want to say "mauve alert". [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly! Wipe the rabid foam from your chin and start again. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] There's some sort of disruption to the time-fabric continuum. At least, I presume that's what it is, it's certainly got all the signs. There's this big wibbly-wobbly swirly thing that's headed straight towards us. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer runs forward to the cockpit to speak to Kryten. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't know, sir. Whichever way I maneuver it follows us! It seems to be locked in on us. Wait! there's something coming out of it. It's going to hit us! Collision course! [:np] [:ra 245] Ace's ship comes out of the swirly thing, headed straight for Starbug. Alarms sound. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Good God! Emergency, emergency! Adopt crash procedure! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer runs back to the reer compartment. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where's the card? Who's got the card? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What card? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The plastic card, the plastic card with the cartoons of the crash procedure on it! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't panic, man! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It should be in the netting behind the seats. Haven't we got to sit behind a woman clutching a baby? What's the drill? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, I know what it is! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Sit down, tuck your head between your legs and brace yourself. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Now what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Then you open the in-flight magazine and start reading. Thing is, the articles act as a sedative. I mean, look at this: "Contents List: Salt, an Epicure's Delight; Classic Wines of Estonia; Flemish Weaving the Traditional Way." Don't fight it, man, let it take you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How can you be so mind-bogglingly flippant? Don't you know what's going to happen? We're going to crash! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've got to stay calm! It's a well-known fact, the more relaxed you are, the less likely you are to be injured. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Good luck, everybody, here it comes! [:np] [:ra 245] Ace's ship strikes Starbug a glancing blow. lister, rimmer and cat read from the magazine. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The ancient Egyptians were great believers in salt. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] When most people think of classic wines, they are unlikely to consider the Estonian reds, yet Estonian grapes are among the fruitiest and most subtle. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Since the beginning of the thirteenth century, Belgium has been the home of some of the most remarkable weaving to come out of northwest Europe. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug crashes on the ocean world below, plundging through a jagged pile of rock and landing in the water. Kryten comes back to the others. Only Rimmer is still in his seat; Lister has been thrown behind some debris and the Cat is lying on the floor under more junk. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Is everyone all right? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, thank God, I'm fine. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister gets up. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, it's bad, buddy, it's real bad. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Rimmer uncover him [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] See what I mean? [:np] [:ra 245] his leg is bleeding [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Red with apricot. I look like a jerk. I'm bleeding an unfashionable color. If I'd known I was going to get my leg crushed I'd have worn white. It goes with everything. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is anything broken? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah. All the stitching's come away, and the lining's ripped. Somebody, please, get me a tailor! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, get the First Aid box. We have to clean this up, make sure he doesn't get gangrene. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Gangrene? You think I might get gangrene? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, that might work! Green with apricot! I think I could pull that off! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a break, sir. Quite a bad one. I'm going to have to snap the bone back into line, and there's no anaesthetic. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Here, read the in-flight magazine. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] "Salt: an epicure's delight. The salt on a typ" [_<1,40>yx<200>yxyxao<300,1000>ow<400,2000>ow<100,1000>uw<100,500>ow<100,100>ch<200,1000>.] my god! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Did it hurt? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No, I'm talking about the article! Have you done my leg yet? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, what's the damage? [:np] [:ra 245] holly is tilted at a fourty-five degree angle onscreen. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] It doesn't look good. We've lost the port engine, the starboard engine's packed up, the fuel line's severed, we're taking in water through the hull, we've lost the landing jets, half the electric's out, and the elastic's snapped on the furry dice. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What does that mean in real terms? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, it means you got a more tasteful cockpit. but unless you fix that starboard engine in the next 40 minutes we're going to start sinking. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Anything we can do? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] We could try to hire a dance band and get it to play "Abide With Me". [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to have to go out there and fix the engine. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You don't know anything about engines! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Besides, there's a 40 knot gale out there. You'd have to be insane to even attempt it. Only a fool or a hero would even consider it. [_<400>] [:np] [:ra 250] aces ship. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Bingo! Down there, they've ditched into the drink. I'm bailing out, Computer! [:np] [:ra 245] aces computer sounds just like holly. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] But, Ace, it's a suicide mission! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I caused the smash, should apologize. Only manners. Bring her 'round for another pass. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Please, Ace, don't go. I love you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Stiff upper modem, old girl. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 250] starbug: ace walks in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Name's Commander Rimmer. Arnold Rimmer. Friends call me "Ace". I've come from another dimension. Explain later. But first of all, let's get you out of this pit. What do they call you, maitey? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Uh, Kryten, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Series 4000 mechanoid, am I right? Salt of the Space Corps. [:np] [:ra 245] to Lister [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Spanners! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Eh? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I'm sorry, you reminded me of a fellow I once knew. What's your handle? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lister. Dave Lister. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Of course it is. Put it there, Dave. You look a great bloke to be in a scrape with. What about the guy in the sharp suit? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He hasn't got a name; we just call him Cat. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Looks like you bought yourself a broken leg there, Cat. I love the Cuban heels. Who's the beautifully delicious, stunningly gorgeous computer? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Holly. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer walks in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] My God, it's me, only much more handsome! Well, looks like I'm superfluous. Old Arnie'll have you out of here in no time! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's a hologram. He can't touch anything. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Dead. eh? Well, commiserations, old man. What a crashing bore that must be. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're me? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Don't quite understand the science, but it's got something to do with us living identical lives up until a certain point, where a decision was made, and you went one way, I went the other. [_<200>] Still, can't hang around chin-wagging all day. Let's get this box up into the air, shall we? What's your plan, Arn? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I haven't got one. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Okay, right, well, um, I suggest this: the starboard engine is repairable, but it's a two-man job. Any volunteers? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, okay, count me in. I've got a window in my schedule this afternoon. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Not so fast, Davy boy, you leapt in so quick you didn't give Arnie here a chance to speak. He was just about to volunteer, weren't you, Arn? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, I wasn't. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Okay, well, um, let's get cracking, shall we, Dave? What's the starboard engine's thrust-to-input ratio, Arn? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's that? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Well, you can work it out: what's the craft's inertia rating? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't know. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Well, what's the p s i? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't know! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Oh. Okay, we'll work it out when we get there, shall we? Come on, Dave, better grab a [braoliy,] there's a bit of a drizzle outside. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten speaks to ace. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, can I have a word in private? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Of course, old friend! Excuse us. [:np] [:ra 245] Ace and Kryten move into the cockpit and Kryten closes the door aft. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] What's the prob, Kryters? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, I have a limited understanding of medicine, sir, but it's plainly obvious even to me that your left arm is broken in several places. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Took a bit of a tumble in the landing. It's only a scratch. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I cannot allow you to go out in this storm, sir. Not with your arm in that condition. I must insist you allow me to go in your place. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] I see. The Series 4000 isn't waterproof, is it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's besides the point, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Look, I'll tell you what we'll do. [:np] [:ra 245] he turns around and punches Kryten, who falls into the pilot's seat [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Sorry, old chum, no option. [:np] [:ra 245] he returns to the aft compartment. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Arnie, Kryten's taken a bit of a whack. I want you to rewire his circuitry and bring him back on-line. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] You don't know how to do that? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Come on, Dave, let's catch a breath of fresh air. [:np] [:ra 250] to rimmer, ace is clearly disappointed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Smoke me a kipper. can you do that? I'll be back for breakfast. [:np] [:ra 245] Ace and Lister head out, and Rimmer gives Ace's back a middle-finger salute. [_<800>] outside, in a raging storm, Lister and Ace are standing on a sort of catwalk along Starbug's hull. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] What's your favorite music, Dave? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Eh? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Keeps your spirits up if you sing a song. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I like rasta Billy Skank. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Right! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister cries out as he slips and falls through the railing. He grabs the rail and hangs off the side of the catwalk. Ace dangles his (broken) left arm down to him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Grab my arm, Dave! Grab my arm! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister does, and hauls himself back up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Fraid I'm going to have to do something a bit sissy now: black out. [:np] [:ra 245] he slumps against Lister for about three seconds [_<800>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Sorry about that! Let's get cracking! Come on, Dave, sing that song! [:np] [:ra 245] they set to work, both singing. [_<1000>] inside Starbug. the cat is muttering to himself [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Paisley with stripes. That's nice. Green anoraks with fuzzy collars, they're great. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, sir, he's delirious! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh, rubber trousers, held down with bicycle clips. Wow! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] "Commander Rimmer"! I ask you. "Ace"! Barf city. I bet you anything he wears women's underwear. They're all the same, this type, you know, Hurly-burly, rough-n tumble macho marines in public, and behind closed doors he'll be parading up and down in taffeta ballgowns, drinking mint juleps, whipping the houseboy. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, he's you! It's just that your lives diverged at a certain point in time. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes, I went into the gents and he went the other way. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I assume, sir, you are making fatuous references to his sexuality. If I may point out, if [:np] [:ra 245] Ace and Rimmer come in, jubilant, and do a little celebratory dance like professional athletes sometimes do after winning a match. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yes! We did it! A wooga, a wooga, a wah, a wah, a wooga, a wooga, a wah! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] What a team! How you got that housing clear I'll never know. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, Ace, it was you! I could never have reconnected that fuel line. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Well, I wouldn't have been able to do it if you hadn't been holding my ankles. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well how could you hang upside down and fix the starboard engine? It was totally brutal! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] What a team. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What a team! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Now I know where I've seen you two! Weren't you the double-action centerfold in July's issue of "Big Boys in Boots"? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Now, look here, Arnie. You can say what you like about me, but I won't hear a word against Skipper here. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Skipper? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] A man like him deserves a nickname. I thought "Skipper" sat rather well. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] "Ace and Skipper"? You sound like a kid's TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Don't listen to him, Skipper. Let's get this tea chest back up into the stars and back to the small rouge one, eh? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yeah, the sooner we get back the sooner you two can climb into a nice, hot, soapy bath and play "spot the submarine". [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir! the Cat! I don't think he's going to last much longer! [:np] [:ra 250] The Cat is on the floor, all four limbs in the air. eventually Starbug lands inside Red Dwarf, then the Cat is wheeled along on a gurney. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Bry nylon underwear. Sock suspenders. Suits with cardigans! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, sir, he's delirious! His leg's all swollen. I, I think he may lose it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lose his leg? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I fear so. The operation to save it is beyond my expertise. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Lose my leg? Hey, that's terrible. None of my suits will fit! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Kryten, I'll need 500 c ceeze of corticoadrenaline, two pints of plasma, a laser scalpel, and some kind of tissue sample a microboliton will do. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, my God! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Field microsurgery: all part of basic training in the Space Corps Special Service. I'll go scrub up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll go and throw up. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] later, in lister and rimmers room. Rimmer is there already as lister enters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How's the Cat? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, Ace did it. Cat's fine now, he's just sitting up in bed looking through some swatches. Trying to find the material he likes for his dressings. I don't know how Ace does it. He's been on his feet for 36 hours, he's still laughing and joking. What a guy. He's just nipped off to teach Kryten how to play the piano. Amazing dude. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So, is it simple registry office, or a full church do for you two? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't understand your attitude, Rimmer. He's you! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's not me, I'm me. He's a me who had all the luck, all the chances. all the breaks that I never got. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, it was just a single incident. And your lives went off in completely different directions. It's incredible to think that one decision in your childhood could produce such drastically different people. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Right. He probably got to go to some really great school, while I was lumbered with Io House. He got to meet all the right people, greased his way up the old boy network, towel-flicked his way into the Space Corps, Masonic-handshook his way into flight school, and brown-tongued his way up the ranks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You'd think you'd be pleased that somewhere, in some other dimension, there's another you, another you doing really well for himself. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, come on. How'd you feel if some ['giht]arrived from another dimension, another Lister, with wall-to-wall charisma and a PhD in being handsome and wonderful? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey, man, I am that Lister! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, come on, how would you feel if there was another Lister doing a hell of a lot better than you are? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There is! Ace knows him. That's why he called me Spanners when he first came in. In Ace's dimension, he's a flight engineer in the Space Corps, married to Christine Kochanski, twin boys, Jim and Bexon. I made up for him! Whatever he did that I didn't, he deserves the lot. For me it makes sense, him having all this stuff. To think that in every dimension, every possibility is played out! hell, there's probably a really, really weird dimension where you're better-looking than me. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, it just makes me bitter. You know I've always had this thing about not getting the breaks. Well, there's living proof of what I could've achieved if I'd gotten the one he got. [:np] [:ra 245] ace calls in from the corridor. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Skipper, got a mo? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Go on, he's probably picked a ring. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister goes out to the corridor, where Ace is just finishing sewing up his own left arm. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Skipper, I've decided I'm not going to stay. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Him and me. It would never work. I just can't stand to be near the man. To see myself so warped, so bitter, so weasely. The man's a maggot. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So where're you going to go? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Just out there. I can't go back, But there's a billion other realities to explore. A billion other Arnold Rimmers to meet. Maybe somewhere there's one who's more of a pain in the butt than him. But I doubt it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, good luck, man. And, look, don't be too hard on Rimmer. You got the break, he didn't. He's just bitter. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] D'you know what that break was? At the age of seven, one of us was kept back a year, the other wasn't. [:np] [:ra 245] he Gestures to the knot on his arm stitches [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Put your finger on that, will you, Skipper? [:np] [:ra 245] Tugs sharply on the thread and breaks it [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And that's the only difference? Rimmer went down a year, and you stayed up? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] No, I was the one who went down a year. By his terms, he got the break. But being kept down a year made me. The humiliation; Being the tallest boy in the class by a clear foot. It changed me, made me buckle down, made me fight back. And I've been fighting back ever since. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] While he spent the rest of his life making excuses. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 75 ap 120 pr 130] [:ra 220] Maybe he's right. Maybe I did get the lucky break. [_<300>] I'll grab my things and be off, Dave. Smoke me a kipper, Skipper, I'll be back for breakfast. [:np] [:ra 245] Ace walks off along the corridor. Rimmer is hunched over next to a robot arm which is holding a line attached to something big suspended over a doorway. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ha, hah. Ready? [:np] [:ra 245] the arm nods up and down [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll smoke him a smegging kipper. [:np] [:ra 245] Ace passes through the rigged doorway. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Now! [:np] [:ra 245] The robot arm pulls the line, and nothing happens. Ace looks up over the doorway at the big object still suspended there and shakes his head. Ace's craft is leaving Red Dwarf to the accompaniment of another Top Gun theme. text appears: Ace Rimmer searched countless realities and met thousands of different Arnold Rimmers. However he never encountered an Arnold Rimmer as deeply sad and worthless as the one he'd met aboard Red Dwarf. His impossible search continues. [_<600>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's Wednesday night; it's amateur Hammond organ recital night. Okay, take it away, skutters! [:np] [:ra 245] The end. theme song is played as on a Hammond organ, rather stylized, with plenty of repetitive background and no vocals.