[:np :ra245 :ph on]
Red Dwarf, Season 4, Episode 6.  Meltdown.
[_<800>]
CAT, LISTER and RIMMER are sitting round a table in the sleeping quarters.  CAT and LISTER are playing a card game and RIMMER is regaling them with tales of his youth.  As the scene opens we see that CAT and LISTER seem to be in some kind of pain.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So there we were at 2:30 in the morning.  I was beginning to wish I had never come to cadet training school.  To the south lay water, there was no way we could cross that.  To the east and west two armies squeezed us in a pincer.  The only way was north. I had to go for it and pray the Gods were smiling on me.  I picked up the dice and threw two sixes.  Caldecott couldn't believe it.  My go again, another two sixes!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, what's wrong with you?  Don't you realize that no one is even slightly interested in anything you're saying?  You've got this major psychological defect which blinds you to the fact that you're boring people to death!  How come you can't sense that?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Anyway I picked up the dice again, and it was Unbelievable!  Another two sixes!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your Cadet School Training Officer at Risk.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Then, disaster!  I threw a two and a three. Caldecott picked up the dice and threw snake eyes, I was still in it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cat, can you talk to him?
[:np :ra245]
CAT is sitting with big pieces of cotton wool plugged in to his ears.  As LISTER talks to him he takes one of the pieces.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I threw a five and a four which beat his three and a two, another double six followed by a double four and a double five.  After he'd thrown a three and a two I threw a six and a three.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Man, this guy could bore for his country!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What I want to know is how the smeg can you remember what dice you threw at a game you played when you were seventeen?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I jotted it down in my Risk campaign book.  I always used to do that so I could replay my moments of glory over a glass of brandy in the sleeping quarters.  I ask you, what better way is there to spend a Saturday night?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
you got me.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So a six and a three and he came back with a three and a two.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, can't you tell the story is not gripping me?  I'm in a state of non-grippedness, I am completely smegging un gripped.  Shut the smeg up.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Don't you want to hear the Risk story?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's what I've been saying for the last fifteen minutes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But I thought that was because I hadn't got to the really interesting bit
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What really interesting bit?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Ah well, that was about two hours later, after he'd thrown a three and a two and I'd thrown a four and a one.  I picked up the dice
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hang on Rimmer, hang on!  the really interesting bit is exactly the same as the dull bit.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You don't know what I did with the dice though, do you?  For all you know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils, headbutted him on the nose and they could have blasted out of his ears.  That would've been quite interesting.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK, Rimmer.  What did you do with the dice?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I threw a five and a two.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And that's the really interesting bit?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well it was interesting to me, it got me into Irkutsk.
[:np :ra245]
the teleport paddle pops KRYTEN into the room.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
[mmm<2000>] curious
[:np :ra245]
he pops into a different spot.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Extraordinary!  What a truly copacetic piece of machinery.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What is it?
[:np :ra245]
It looks like Kryten cannot remain stil for very long, since he keeps moving around.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, basically it appears to be a device that converts an individual into digital information and then transmits him as light beams to another point in space.  Essentially it's a matter transporter.  It's pretty neat.  Ha!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Where'd you get it from?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I think it must be a prototype.  I found it in the Research Labs down on Z deck.  I managed to cobble together the missing circuitry and it appears to be fully functional.  Theoretically it can transport several people at once. So, LISTER,  Would you like to grip a paddle, sir?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER stands and grips a paddle.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
We'll meet you by the NaviComp in Starbug.
[:np :ra245]
they both vanish.  RIMMER turns to the CAT.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Let's go.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER and CAT get up and head off out the door.  We stay focused on the room as a door in the background opens and we hear running water and see steam billowing out the door. a wet LISTER and KRYTEN come out of the shower.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'm sorry about that, sir.  I neglected to engage the depth function.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We'll walk, Kryten.  We'll walk.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
The gang is sitting round chatting in Starbug.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So, besides cutting down on shoe leather, what good is it?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Exploration:  it can take you anywhere.  It can home in on atmosphere bearing planets within a radius of 500,000 light years.  If there are any lifeforms in the local systems this thing'll take you straight to them.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
So are there any planets with an atmosphere in range?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, several according to the paddle's scanners, but the most interesting prospect appears to be 200,000 light years away.  In the normal course of things it would take Starbug several billion years to reach it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It wouldn't be so bad, Rimmer could finish his Risk story.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Traveling subspace via the paddle we would reach it almost instantaneously.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, what are we waiting for?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Ah ah ah!  Nobody's rearranging my molecules.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's perfectly safe, sir, but I do suggest that Mister Rimmer and I go on ahead as a scout party.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, if the atmosphere isn't breatheable we won't be affected.  If it is, we can send the paddle back to pick you up.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
The thing is, Kryters, I would love to be in the advanced scout party facing all those thrilling unknown dangers with you, fighting a frontier path through a jungle of discovery, but you're forgetting one thing.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
No sir, I've taken your congenital cowardliness into consideration.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm a hologram.  I can't touch the thing.  How could it transport me?
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
Well, of course, you do have a small physical presence.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Precisely.  Holly, would you give me Mister Rimmer's light-bee, please?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Wait a minute.
[:np :ra245]
A view of RIMMER then he whites out and is gone.  KRYTEN is holding the light-bee.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:dv ap 300]
Where am I?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
This is Rimmer?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER gets up, walks over to KRYTEN and takes the light-bee from him.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
yeh, it buzzes around inside him and projects his image.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER tosses the light-bee up in the air and catches it in his mouth then spits it out and catches it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:dv ap 300]
My God, that was disgusting!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Please sir, that's a very sophisticated piece of hardware
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Really?  Anyone fancy a game of squash?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Sir!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER hands the light-bee back to KRYTEN.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Thank you.  Now, if all goes well the paddle will rematerialise here.  Simply press this green key and you'll be transported down to the planet, a safe distance from us.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK.
[_<800>][:np :ra245]
KRYTEN is sent off to a Field.  There's plenty of green grass, trees in the background, etc.  RIMMER appears out of nowhere and staggers, then looks around.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What is this place?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well I can't pinpoint our location precisely but, ah, the atmosphere is indeed breathable. I'll return the paddle.
[:np :ra245]
the paddle vanishes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What now?
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN is looking off camera and up. he looks a little worried.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, I suggest we start to run, sir.  I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Why?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Because of them, sir.
[:np :ra245]
We see something that looks like a T rex with feathers, wings, a bird's head and all the believability of an old Star Trek monster.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Sir?
[:np :ra245]
We see KRYTEN looking very worried and RIMMER running full tilt off into the distance.  [_<800>]
the paddle re-appears in starbug.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Must be safe, let's go.
[:np :ra245]
they vanish.
[_<800>]
an old-fashioned room with a chandelier and a big Nazi flag on the wall.  There is a large table in the room with a fireplace in the background.  There are three people in the room.  The table is set out as a war planning map.  The people appear to be HITLER and two of his aids.
[:nh :ra 240 :dv la 30 ap 90]
This will be the final push.  Their resources are poor and there will is week!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and CAT appear in the background.
[:nh :ra 240 :dv la 30 ap 90]
We can crush them, We can grind them into their dirt, We can chew up their bodies and spit them out as if they are Sauerkraut!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER is trying to get the paddle to work but hasn't got the settings right yet.  Meanwhile, Hitler has seen them.
[:nh :ra 240 :dv la 30 ap 90]
Intruders!  Seize them!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So long.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and CAT teleport on to the table.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Suckers!
[:nh :ra 240 :dv la 30 ap 90]
Arrest them!  They are dum!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Get us out of here.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Don't panic me, man!  I'm doing my best!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and CAT teleport to a place that is dark and small.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Where are we?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Don't know.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER flicks on his lighter.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We're in some kind of narrow stone passage way.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
So what do we do?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I can see daylight.  I don't know, we could just stand around here I suppose, 'til we work out were we are.
[:np :ra245]
For a couple of seconds we are in the room with HITLER and all the men in the room are looking at the fireplace in which we see two pairs of legs, LISTER's and CAT's, but then they vanish into the chimney.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
At least we're out of trouble.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Who were those guys?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well the short one with the stupid tash was Hitler, and the jerky one with the child molester glasses was Goebbels. suppose the fat bastard must've been Goering.  Must've been.  He was a cocaine addict and a transvestite [_<400>] I can't remember what he was, now.  But if things'd worked out different he had the makings of a major movie star.
[:nh :ra 240 :dv la 30 ap 90]
Hands up, pig dogs!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Think I've just worked out were we are.
[:nh :ra 240 :dv la 30 ap 90]
Get the machine!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and CAT have just got back into the room, only to be led out of it again.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You seriously telling me he's a transvestite?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
With those hips?
[_<800>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I think we've lost them.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I can't tell you how feeble and improbable those creatures were, sir.  I've seen more convincing dinosaurs given away free with a packet of Wheaty Flakes.  There's something wrong here.
[:np :ra245]
elvice leaps in behind them with a machine gun.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
Reach for the sky, boys.  Thank you very much.
[:nd :dv br 0 ap 80 pr 20]
Lets take it nice and easy.  No funny business or I splash your guts around like the communion wine.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
OK, now get moving.  Thank you very much.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Which way?
[:np :ra245]
elvice points.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
That way.
[:np :ra245]
They walk off.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What do you think these guys are gonna do to us?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What ever it takes to find out about the paddle.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word torture, I can take it!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK, then, they'll torture us.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Waaaaah!  Torture us!  Waaaaaah!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Probably won't, man.  They're probably not even interested in the paddle.  They'll probably just take us outside and execute us.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
You're just saying that to make me feel better.  It's just those guys are fiends.  They instantly know your weak spots.  As soon as they see me they only have to force me into platform shoes and flared trousers and I'll sing like Tweety Pie.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Dunno what the smeg went wrong.  Kryten never said anything about the paddle taking us back in time.  Just supposed to transport us to the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere.  How the smeg did we wind up in the middle of the Third Reich?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What are those guys doing out there?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Building something.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh nothing, nothing.  Just a sculpture, you know, a modern art job.  The kind you get in shopping malls.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What's it made of?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Wood.  It's a sort of inverted L shape in wood.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Does it have a kind of rope motif?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
There's a sort of noose theme to it, yeh.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Its gallows, right?  Look, if it's gallows, say it's gallows, I can take it.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK, it's gallows.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Waaaaah!  They're building a gallows!  They're hanging us!  Waaaaah!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look man, don't panic.  We're gonna escape.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
How?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Just hijack the guards when they come in, nick their uniforms and stroll out.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Are you insane?  Do you seriously expect me to wear grey out of season?  I'd rather hang.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hang on, hang on.  Something's happening.  Some kind of parade or drill but
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
But what?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hang on.  These guys aren't Nazis, they're all wearing different period costumes.  There's one looks like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard the third, Napoleon.  Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place.  Oh my God, there's James Last!  I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What are they doing?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, just lining up in some kind of firing squad.  Woah Woah!  Hang on, hang on.  Someone's being brought out, they're tying him to a stake.  It's Winnie the Pooh.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Winnie the Pooh, I swear!  He's refusing the blindfold.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
They're tying Winnie the Pooh to a stake?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's something no one should ever have to see.
[:np :ra245]
Over the sounds of gunshots, the Door opens and LINCOLN is thrown in the room.
[:nh :ra250 :dv hr 100 sr 100]
My God, sirs, you may break our bones but you will never break our spirits!  Good day, good sirs, the name's Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln.
[:np :ra245]
[:np :ra245]
We switch to a room with 4 people in it, EINSTEIN, PYTHAGORAS, STAN LAUREL and Marilyn Monroe.  Marilyn is putting on makeup.  EINSTEIN is sitting at a desk.  PYTHAGORAS is standing at a blackboard.  STAN LAUREL is just standing.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 100 pr 75 hr 0 sr 0]
We have to face facts:  the war is lost.
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 90 pr 120 hr 33 sr 33 qu 100 sm 30 br 30]
But what are we gonna do?
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 130 hr 100 hs 123 pr 120]
I don't know.  I still feel there's a solution probably involving triangles.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 100 pr 75 hr 0 sr 0]
Pythagoras, what is it with you?  Always with the triangles, your solution to everything is triangles!  There are problems that can't be solved by triangles.
[:np :ra245]
POPE GREGORY and elvice enter with RIMMER and KRYTEN.
[:nd :dv br 0 ap 80 pr 20]
Hey, we got us some prisoners.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
Anybody got a burger?  I haven't eaten in 5 minutes.  thank you very much.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Er, could someone tell me what's going on here?
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 130 hr 100 hs 123 pr 120]
Who are these people?  They're not wax droids.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Wax droids?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Of course!  This whole place, the entire complex, is a colossal wax droid theme park.
[:np :ra245]
he looks down at a map.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
See Prehistoric World?  That must be where we materialized, and on either side Villain World and Hero World.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
But I thought wax droids were programmed to repeat a simple sequence of routines over and over again.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, they must have broken their programming, and now they're running amok.
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 90 pr 120 hr 33 sr 33 qu 100 sm 30 br 30]
You see, we've been left here all alone for millions of years, an [_<300>] [buh<30>]
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 130 hr 100 hs 123 pr 120]
You see we learned to break our programs.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 100 pr 75 hr 0 sr 0]
And we've been fighting this idiotic, futile war ever since.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
A war?
MARILYN MONROE:
Good versus evil, sugar.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Where's the rest of your army?
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 90 pr 120 hr 33 sr 33 qu 100 sm 30 br 30]
They've all been killed.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
All our best warriors are gone, man:  John Wayne, Sir Lancealot, Joan of Arc, Nelson, Wellington.  Hell, baby, even Doris Day.  They've all died in battle, man.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
And you're all that's left.  Just a smattering of intellectuals, pacifists, and celebrities.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 100 pr 75 hr 0 sr 0]
We number less than 20.
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 130 hr 100 hs 123 pr 120]
If only we numbered 21, then at least we could form an equilateral triangle.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 100 pr 75 hr 0 sr 0]
Will you shut up already with the triangles!  Everything is triangles, you're driving me crazy!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Ah.  Who do the enemy have?
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 130 hr 100 hs 123 pr 120]
The cream of evil:  Hitler, Napoleon, Mussolini, Caligula, the Boston Strangler, dozens of them.
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 90 pr 120 hr 33 sr 33 qu 100 sm 30 br 30]
And we don't even have a leader.   We haven't even got a chance.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
My God, Kryten, this is my destiny!  I was born for this moment!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'm not sure I'm following you, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Across that valley lies an army of darkness such as mankind has never seen.  The only thing between them and total victory is this pathetic pocket of resistance without a leader, without a plan, and into this bleak arena steps a man. the man for the moment.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Who?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Me! Who did you think, Pat Boone?  Gentlemen!  Ladies!  Assemble your troops for inspection at 1500 hours!  Together with my valiant adjutant, Kryten, I'm gonna turn you into the meanest, fittest fighting machine that ever graced a battlefield.  Come on, Kryten.
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 90 pr 120 hr 33 sr 33 qu 100 sm 30 br 30]
I don't want to fight.  I might get killed.
[:np :ra245]
While all this has been going on, LINCOLN has been talking to LISTER and CAT in the prison cell.
[:nh :ra250 :dv hr 100 sr 100]
And we've been fighting the Wax War ever since.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's the point of this war?
[:nh :ra250 :dv hr 100 sr 100]
They want our wax so they can melt us down, insert new programs and turn us into their own kind.  That's why we're becoming so hopelessly outnumbered.
[:np :ra245]
Two men enter the cell.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
On your feet, pigs!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, buddy, we just
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
Silence, scum!
[:np :ra245]
he hits LISTER in the face.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
Do you not sink to your knees and bough in the presence of the emperor Caligula?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Who is this guy?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I think he was a famous Roman Emperor.  He slept with his mother, both his sisters, and ended up eating his son.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Hey, a little advice, bud:  we all feel peckish after making love but most of us settle for pizza.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
You are an impudent fool!
[:np :ra245]
he slaps LISTER again.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Dunno who the other one is.
[:nh :ra250 :dv hr 100 sr 100]
That's Rasputin, the most hated, loathed and despised man of his era.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
This machine, how does it work?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Don't know.  If I did, I wouldn't be here.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
Very well, if that's the way you want to play it.  Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hang on, it's got something to do with travelling across sub-space.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
Demonstrate.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, like I said, I don't really know.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
Very well.  Rasputin, bring hither the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out and unleash the rampant wildebeest.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hang on, I'll try my best!  I'll try my best!  Just give it here.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
Ah, you think I'm insane?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
Shall we take a quick vote?
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
Silence, scum!
[:np :ra245]
he slaps LISTER, not CAT.  LISTER turns to CAT, very annoyed.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Shut up!
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
We will all hold on to it.
[:np :ra245]
Everyone holds on to the paddle.  LISTER, CAT and LINCOLN look at each other, when LISTER speaks the three of them let go.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Now!
[:np :ra245]
only CALIGULA vanishes.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Come on, let's get out of here.
[:np :ra245]
They leave the cell and are next seen on a field.
[:nh :ra250 :dv hr 100 sr 100]
This way!  If we make good time, we should be back at HQ by sunset.
[:np :ra245]
Meanwhile, they don't know that Just after they had gone, the door to the metal cabinet opened and CALIGULA and Rasputin exited.
[:np :ra300 :dv ap 110 pr 150 hr 30 sr 30 sm 30 br 20]
Rasputin, I'm very cross indeed!  Guards!
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER and the rest of his lot are Back at Headquarters.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What a challenge, the greatest minds in military history against me!  Let's pray they're up to it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Are you sure your sanity chip is fully screwed in, sir?  Have you any conception of what's lining up outside for your inspection?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'll soon shake them up.  By God, I only wish the guys from the Io Amateur Wargamers and Recreaters of the Battle of Neasden Society could see me now.  They'd choke on their pikestaffs.
[:np :ra245]
elvice Enters.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
thank you very much, sir, thank you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
As you were, Sergeant Presley.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
Guys are outside, sir, awaiting inspection.  thank you very much.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well done, Presley.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
You lead, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Kryten, let's see what we've got, eh?
[:np :ra245]
Outside the Headquarters, EINSTEIN, PYTHAGORAS, STAN LAUREL, POPE GREGORY, and MARILYN MONROE are all lined up.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What's your name, soldier?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
His name's Ghandi, sir, Mahatma Ghandi.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, get him out of that damm nappy and into a uniform.  Have you no pride man?  Don't you want to win this war?  Don't eyeball me, Ghandi.  Get on the floor and give me 50, NOW!
[:np :ra245]
They move on down the line.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Theresa, sir, Mother Theresa.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Assisi, sir, Saint Francis of Assisi.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There's only two kinds from Assisi, steers and queers, which are you, boy?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Ah!  Moving hastily on, sir.
[:np :ra245]
They come upon Father Christmas.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
What's he doing here?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
He was posted here from the fiction section.
[:np :ra245]
Moving on down the line.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
The Dalai Lama.  Queen Victoria.  Mister Noel Coward.  Ah, Monsieur John-Paul Sartre, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Who?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
He's a philosopher, sir, an existentialist.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well, Sartre, we don't like existentialists around here, and we certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black polo necks filling everyone's heads with their theories about the bleakness of existence and absurdity of the cosmos, clear?  you're quite the worst bunch of famous historical wax droids I've ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes on!  You're a total bloody shambles, and if we're going to win this war, someone is gonna have to turn you into soldiers, and that someone, ladies and gentlemen, is ME.  Over to you, Kryten.  And I'm watching you, Ghandi.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
[w<100,20>iy<500>ah<400>rr<100>t<100>uh<300>ff<100>ax<400,18>nd<100>w<100,17>iy<400>ah<400,18>rr<100>m<100,22>iy<900>iy<900,20>nn<100>]
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 90 pr 120 hr 33 sr 33 qu 100 sm 30 br 30]
[ah<400,17>rr<100>nnn<20>iy<500,18>rr<100>ih<400,20>mm<100>uh<400,22>rr<100>zz<100>d<100>eh<400,18>th<100>mm<100>uh<400,17>sh<100>iy<1000,15>nn<100>]
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
[ao<400,22>ll<100>w<100>iy<400>duw<500,24>ih<400>zz<100>k<100,25>ih<300>ll<100>ax<900,27>nd<100>_<500>ss<100,22>ll<100>ey<1300>]
[:nf :ra270 :dv ap 90 pr 120 hr 33 sr 33 qu 100 sm 30 br 30]
[d<100>ow<400,19>nn<100>tt<100>kk<100>eh<400,20>rr<100>ih<400,17>ff<100>w<100>iy<300>g<100,10>eh<400>tt<100>bl<100,12>ow<400>nn<100>ax<400,15>w<100,13>ey<2000>]
[:np :ra245]
Back at HQ.  Rimmer is in a general's outfit with a tin hat.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
You're driving them too hard, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's my job to drive them hard, Kryten.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Three of them have melted from exhaustion.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Perhaps I have been a bit too tough, but it's for their own good.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
You're killing them for their own good?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Look, when they get out on that battlefield, don't they think the enemy are going to try and kill them?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
They won't need to, you will have wiped them all out first.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I know what I'm doing, Kryten.  We attack tomorrow under cover of daylight.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Daylight, sir?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
It's the last thing they'll be expecting, a daylight charge over the mine-field.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
The what-field?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Obviously, I'll have to coordinate things from back here.  Now, this is the plan.
[:np :ra245]
elvice brings in LISTER and CAT.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer!
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
thank you very much, sir.  People say they know you, sir.  Thank you very much.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Listy!  Welcome to command centre.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, what's going on out there?  Isn't that Mahatma Ghandi?  And what's he doing practicing hand to hand combat with a nun?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
That's not a nun, Listy, that's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa.  She's a soldier now.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
What are you doing, buddy?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I'm winning this war, that's what I'm doing, buddy.  You won't believe what a ragamuffin bunch of lefty, wishy-washy liberals they were, before I knocked some good old fashioned death or glory bloodlust into them.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, you've taken a group of holy men and pacifists and turned them into the Dirty Dozen!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Oh, I can't take all the credit, couldn't have done it without Kryten here.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'm sorry, sirs, I had no choice.  I'm programmed to obey, no matter how psychotic and deranged the human order.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, you're gonna get these guys wiped out, they're not soldiers!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
He's flipped.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
With all respect, sir, he's right.  I beg you to reconsider.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
They're only wax droids.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
But Rimmer, they've broken their programming! they're capable of independent thought.  That makes them alive, makes them practically people, I'm not gonna let you do it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Pardon me?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You erd me!  If you can talk them into it, I can talk them out of it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I see.  Sarj Presley?
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
thank you very much, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Place these gentlemen under arrest until further notice.  If they resist, shoot them.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
Reach for the sky, boys.  Let me see them understains.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Come on, Kryten.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Oh.  He's been acting strangely ever since we landed here, sir. I think it might have affected his mind when you chewed his light bee.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'll do more than chew his light bee when we get out of here.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] 
KRYTEN!
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
thank you very much, you've been wonderful prisoners, you really have.
[:np :ra245]
In the mine-field, We see Arnie's army spread out. RIMMER rides up behind them on a motor bike.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well! Don't know about the enemy, but you certainly scare the hell out of me.  Let's get this show on the road.
[:np :ra270 :dv ap 70 hr 200 sr 200 pr 30]
Company! Advance!
[:np :ra245]
Arnie's army climb out of a dugout and advance on the enemy, machine guns blazing, everyone in a mad charge.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Kryten, you know what you have to do.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN is standing with Queen Victoria. when RIMMER talks to him he walks off with Vic.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Let's go, Holly.
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY is in the headlight of the bike.
[:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240]
OK, mayty.
[:np :ra245]
the army advance across the mine-field, mines explode and we can hear lots of gun fire.  Ghandi comes towards us then he steps on a mine and explodes leaving only a pair of smoking boots.  More scenes of Arnie's army advancing then we see Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa running across the field, yelling, and running straight into a mine and exploding again leaving smoking boots.  Cut to a scene of RIMMER shaking his head.  Cut to Santa blasting away with a machine gun.  Cut to the Dalai Lama charging across the screen. he also steps on a mine and blows up.  His robe floats down.  Cut to John-Paul Sartre. he gets shot in the chest. all shots produce a white waxy liquid and the shot droid dies. Cut to Francis of Assisi. he also is shot in the chest.  Cut to Noel Coward. he is shot in the leg.  We see the army advancing and either being shot or blown up.  Suddenly we see the source of the shooting.  Hitler and his mates are shooting out of the window.
[:nh :ra 240 :dv la 30 ap 90]
Destroy them!  Keep shooting them!
[:np :ra245]
The door opens and Queen Victoria comes in with a machine gun and blasts away at them, they all die, but as he is dying, HITLER shoots Queen Victoria and they both die.  Moments after they die KRYTEN looks round the door. seeing them all dead he enters and pulls out a radio.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Iron Duke.  Iron Duke.  This is Pawn Sacrifice.  Come in, please.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Kryten, how's it going?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'm in the Third Reich building, minimal resistance.  Just as you planned, the decoy charge has drawn their fire.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
OK.  Now find the boiler room and hit the thermostat, they'll melt once it hits 100 degrees.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
I'm on my way, sir.
[:np :ra245]
Back in the Good Guys' HQ, LISTER and CAT are sitting with their hands tied behind them.  RIMMER and KRYTEN enter.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Victory, gentlemen!  The fascists have fallen!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
May I untie them now, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Rejoice!  We conquer!  Victory on Waxworld!  It's VW day!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So you took the HQ Wiped them all out.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
To a droid.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
It's true, all melted.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What about Arnie's army?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
yeh, how many of them made it back?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There are always casualties in war, gentlemen.  Otherwise it wouldn't be war, just be a rather nasty argument with a lot of pushing and shoving.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So how many survived?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Well we haven't had time to make a full official estimate, but at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout none of them.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So you wiped out the entire population of this planet.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
You make it sound so negative, Lister.  Don't you see, the deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished!
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No it isn't, pal.  You're still here.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
I brought about peace.  Peace, freedom and democracy.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, Rimmer.  Right.  Absolutely.  Now all the corpses that litter that battlefield can just lie there safe under the knowledge that they snuffed it under a flag of peace and can now happily decompose in a land of freedom.  you smeg head.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
There really is no pleasing some people, is there?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Well, at least we got the matter paddle back.
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, there's nothing to stay here for.  Let's get back.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
Shouldn't we go out onto the battlefield and bask in the glow of victory?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Holly?  Give me his light bee.  See you, Rimmer.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER swallows the light bee.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
Sir!  What are you thinking of?
[:nf :ra 240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's OK.  He'll come out in a couple a days and he'll have been through what he put us through.  Does any one fancy a vindaloo?
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
The End.