[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 245] Red Dwarf, Season 5, Episode 1. Holoship. [_<800>] Inside Starbug, the dwarfers are watching a film. We hear a man and a woman speaking in melodramatic voices. While this is going on, Lister is looking decidedly sad and appears to be chewing his hair. Cat is blinking excessively. Rimmer looks totally disgusted. [_<300>] on the film, [:nh] [:ra 300] Oh Arnie! [:nb] [:ra 300] Oh, my darling, don't! This isn't a time for sadness, it's a time for joy, for laughter, don't you see? Whatever this crazy old world throws at us now it doesn't matter, none of it. [:nh] [:ra 300] Arnie, we can never be together again. [:nb] [:ra 300] Oh my darling, you're wrong! We'll always be together. It's just that we'll be apart. [:np] [:ra 245] the film ends. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wasn't that just beautiful? Well recommended, sir. [daxyxuw] think they ever get back together again? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister has his head in his hands. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't know. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Pardon? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't know. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wasn't it just wonderful though, sir? The way he sacrificed his career, his dreams, everything for the woman he loved. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery school-girl mush I've ever been compelled to endure. I consider it an insult to my backside that it was forced to sit here growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You didn't find it uplifting? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It wasn't in the least bit uplifting, it was totally unbelievable. Why would he give everything up for a woman he's never going to see again? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Because she loved him, and he would have that forever. [:np] [:ra 245] to Lister [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Isn't that right, sir? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Personally, I thought it started well but fell apart. All that stuff with the ducks all getting into trouble, that was great. Then it all went black and white and I fell asleep. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But sir, that was the cartoon before the main ['prowgraem!] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Hang on chaps, we've got a blip. Quadrant 4, sector 492. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm on to it right away, Holly. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten leaves. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Those kind of films really irritate me. Just not realistic. There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job and to hell with the woman. Total baloney. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer you said that about King of Kings. the story of ['jh`iyzax<60>s!] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well it's true! a simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that and doesn't go into show business? Do any of us believe that even for a second? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He was supposed to be the Son of God. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And when he was carrying that cross up the hill, any normal realistic bloke would have mule-kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on the right, and been over that green hill and far away before you could say Pontius Pilate. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why do I feel that somehow you've missed the point? I mean, whether you believe that stuff or not, it's about a dude who sacrifices his life for love. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Not realistic. As if! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've got no soul man. No soul. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sirs, I think you should take a look at this. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Another vessel? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Too small. may be a missile. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Impact in 37 seconds. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Plotting random evasion course. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A superlative suggestion sir, with just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice. [:np] [:ra 245] cat pats kryten's shoulder. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Good point, well made. [_<400>] [:np] [:ra 245] A blue light formation which looks like a comet flies towards the front of Starbug. Inside Starbug, the blue light flashes past the occupants into the adjoining room and turns into a collection of blue spheres swirling around. Rimmer walks towards it and steps into the swarm. [_<400>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, what are you doing? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's incredible! It's beautiful! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's not registering on any scale, mass, velocity, molecular structure! all the readings are zero! [:np] [:ra 245] The spheres suddenly zoom away past the crew members and out of the ship. We see the blue comet shoot off into space and vanish, whereupon a ship materialises. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I'm picking up some kind of energy emission. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer disappears in a flash of red light! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] They've taken Mister Rimmer. Sir! They've taken Mister Rimmer! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer appears in the holoship. He looks around, astonished. In walks a woman, on whose forehead is a letter H in a circle. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] I hope we didn't startle you. Nirvanah Crane. [:np] [:ra 245] they shake hands. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You touched me. I can touch. [:np] [:ra 245] she throws him a glass and he catches it [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How is this possible? [:np] [:ra 245] Nirvanah pours Rimmer a drink. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] This entire ship, its crew, and everything on it is computer generated. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're all holograms, even the ship? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] [sael'uwt] [:np] [:ra 245] They touch glasses [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [sael'uwt] [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] the holographic duo are now in a lift. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How big's the crew? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Just under 2000. All top flight personnel. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] what a ship! [:np] [:dv ap 40 pr 100 hr 100 sr 100] [:ra 300] Floor 3125: Sports and sexual recreation. [:np] [:ra 245] the grin disappears from rimmer's face. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sports and what? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Sex. Don't you have a sex deck on your ship? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [q<300>_now.] [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Well, what do you do when you want to have sex? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, we go for runs. Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] That's very bad for you. Don't you ever feel tense or frustrated? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well it's got worse these last ten years or so, I can't deny it. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Extraordinary. It's quite different here. In fact, it's a ship regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day. It's a health rule. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Twice a day? That's more than some people manage in a lifetime! [_<400>] [ah] I mean sad, lonely people. But what happens if you don't have a partner? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] If you don't have a partner? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well I mean some people, [hxeh<30>m] sad, lonely people, find that that people just aren't attracted to them in that kind of way. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] I don't understand. Here it is considered the height of bad manners to refuse an offer of sexual coupling. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, [_<400>] people have always complemented me on my good manners. What a ship! [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] We discarded the concept of "family" in the 25th century, when scientists finally proved that all our hang-ups and neuroses are caused by our parents. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I knew it! [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Families are disastrous for your mental health. So are relationships. These are out-moded concepts for us. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But what about love? Surely people still fall in love? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] We have developed beyond love, Mister Rimmer. That is a short-term hormonal distraction which interferes with the pure persuit of personal advancement. We are holograms. There is no risk of disease or pregnancy. That is why in our society we only believe in sex: constant, guilt-free sex. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] back on starbug. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Poor Mister Rimmer. I fear he is in great danger. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I'm trying to get them to handshake, but they're not responding on any frequency. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well I say let's break out the laser cannons and give ['axm'] both barrels. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] An adroit suggestion sir, with just two minor drawbacks. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] OK, forget it! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You won't get a shoot-out, look at the readouts: zero mass. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Of course, a holoship! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A holoship? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The project was in its initial phase when I left the solar system. Ships of no mass or volume able to travel as super-light particles, [t'aek`iyaxnz,] through worm-holes and star gates crewed by holograms of great genius and bravery. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And they've taken Rimmer? [:np] [:ra 245] incredulously [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He should fit in just perfectly! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now I understand why they didn't bother with a handshake. Holo-crews are legendarily aregant. They despise stupidity wherever they see it, and they see it everywhere. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Hang on, I'm getting another energy emission. [:np] [:ra 245] A crew member from the holoship appears in an adjoining room. The Dwarfers walk in to investigate. the hologram begins walking around, completely ignoring them at first. [:dv hs 110 pr 100 hr 0 sr 100 ap 75] [:ra 300] Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation there is absolutely nothing of any value or intrigue here. It's one of the old class two ship-to-surface vessels. the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew: three. One series-4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out, give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. Ah, Felis Sapiens, bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s, physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that of no value or interest. [:np] [:ra 245] While Binks is ending his spiel, Lister searches his pockets for a cigarette packet. He draws one cigarette out as an aerial and begins imitating Binks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region, chin absent presumed missing, genitalia small and inoffensive, of no value or interest. [:dv hs 110 pr 100 hr 0 sr 100 ap 75] [:ra 300] Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition could maybe master simple tasks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw. [:dv hs 110 pr 100 hr 0 sr 100 ap 75] [:ra 300] Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister eats the cigarette, quickly removes his jacket, hat and waistcoat, and assumes a boxing stance. [:dv hs 110 pr 100 hr 0 sr 100 ap 75] [:ra 300] Binks to Enlightenment. Recon mission complete, transmit. With speed, Enlightenment, quickly please! [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] Aboard the holoship. The Captain is present and two officers are in the background typing at computer keyboards. Nirvanah Crane and Rimmer arrive. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Captain. Mister Rimmer from the mining ship Red Dwarf. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Mister Rimmer, oh my word it is one of the old class one holograms! I didn't realise that you guys were still around. Captain Aircool Platini, I Q 212. Number 1! [:nu] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] Commander Natalina Pushkin, I Q 201. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] Commander Randy Navaro, I Q 194. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Second technician Arnold Rimmer, I Q unknown. Captain this is a magnificent ship. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] So it should be, Mister Rimmer. After all it was designed to carry the hologrammatic cream of the space corps. Every crew member is the top gun in his or her field. This is a ship, Mister Rimmer, of superhumans. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Which is why, Captain, I feel I could really belong here. [:nu] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] Are you serious? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Everything I want in my life is here on this ship. I want to join you. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Er but, Mister Rimmer, you are not an officer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Captain, I've been in effective command of Red Dwarf now for nearly four years. I've guided that ragamuffin ragtail crew of whacked out crazies and hippy peace-niks through hell and back. If I gave the order those guys would crawl on their bellies across broken glass with their flies unzipped. So don't tell me I'm not an officer, Captain, just because in deep space there's no academy around to award me my pips. You've got to take me. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Unfortunately it's not that simple, Mister Rimmer. The Enlightenment already has a full ship's complement. The only way in is dead man's boots. [:nu] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] You'll have to challenge an existing crew member. There are tests which tax the entire vista of your intellect. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] Tests that probe every aspect of your mental capability. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Should you win, your opponent's run-time would be terminated and their life force would be used to generate you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who will be my opponent? [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Well I'm sure our computer will come up with the most stimulating match up. It has stochastic capabilities. [:nu] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] It predicts the future with only a five percent error margin, simply by extrapolating the most likely outcome of all known variables. I am asking it for your best chance of success [_<400>] and here it is. Your best shot is crew member 4172. You have a 96% probability of failure. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Mister Rimmer you have 24 hours to prepare. [_<1200>] [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer and Nirvanah Crane are walking down a corridor. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well thank you commander for a most fascinating afternoon. It's been most [_<400>] fascinating. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Perhaps if you're not in any great rush Mister Rimmer, we could retire to my quarters and have sex for a few hours. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] They are now lying on a bed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That was just unbelievable! [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] It's never been like that before. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Was it OK? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] It was [_<400>] different. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Different? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] You make love like a japanese meal. Small portions but so many courses. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Erm, look, Nirvanah. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Must dress and go now. [:np] [:ra 245] she gets up and dons a robe [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look Nirvanah, what I'm trying to say is [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Please, don't say anything. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I hope you didn't get me wrong just then. That meant nothing to me. Truly less than nothing really. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Good. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We may as well have been playing tennis. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] As it should be. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I, er, don't suppose you'd fancy a tie-break? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] I'm sorry, I've got things I should do. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [nay'eht] problemski. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] You know [_<300>] we usually talk. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What do you talk about? [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Oh research, new theories, mission profiles. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm sorry I must have seemed very ignorant. I hardly said anything apart from [_<300>] geronimo [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Thank you for the work-out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Dress! [:np] [:ra 245] he is suddenly clothed [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Transmit! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer disappears [_<300>] A computer screen says message waiting. Nirvanah Crane presses a key. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Privacy off. [:np] [:ra 245] Number 2 appears on the screen [:nf] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] Commander, some amusing news. Stocky has chosen you to meet our guest's challenge. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] Aboard red dwarf, rimmer has joined the others. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But it ['ihz] possible. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Possible but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Reduced? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I don't care. I'm prepared to take the chance. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Even if it costs you your mind? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's a small price to pay. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, on that ship I can touch, I can feel, I can taste. I'm not a half man any more. With them I'm whole again. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionly-weird stuck-up megalomaniacs. Do you really think you're going to fit in with them? [_<500>] What am I saying? Bon [voy'aazh!] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's right, sir. Why do you want to throw in with people like that? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Because I want to be somebody. I want to have a position of authority on a scout ship exploring uncharted space. Work alongside educated men and women. Officers, people who count. Lister, this is my one chance to ceaze my dream. To be with the winners. Look at me. What do you see? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tell me. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You see a sad and lonely guy. A guy who left home at sixteen to become an officer and a gentleman, and ended up as a chicken soup machine operative. Is it any wonder my father had four strokes? Is it any wonder he used to sit by the window and dribble? I did that to him. Me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look there's nothing wrong with what you did. It was just a job. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You are your job. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, not so sir. Now was Albert Camou a goal keeper or a philosopher? Was Albert Einstein a clerk in a patent office or the greatest physicist who ever lived? And of course there's the oft told tale of the simple carpenter's son who went on to own the largest chain of pizza stores in history, Harry Biedelbau. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten, Albert Einstein didn't spend the best years of his life picking out lumps of dessicated poultry from the end of his nozzle cleaner. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That doesn't make you a failure. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It does in my parents' eyes. It does in my brother's eyes. It does in the eyes of everyone with eyes. That's exactly what it makes me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir I beg you to reconsider, if not for your sanity. You haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women twice daily on demand. Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Cat are speechless [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, quite clearly I am! [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] later, Rimmer is lying on some kind of "operating table" in a laboratory, and Kryten is standing by. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I've uploaded the two candidates to be inserted into your mind, science officer Buchan, excellent scientific background, one hundred and sixty nine I Q. and flight coordinator McQueen, superlative mathematician, one hundred and seventy two I Q. Now even taking into account the enormous drag factor of your own mind, I still think we'll come up with something pretty special. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But I will still have control? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You will have access to their knowledge, but your personality will have the power of veto. But sir, I implore you to reconsider, if not for yourself then for the poor officer whose life you will take. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Wasn't it Saint Francis of Assisi himself who said never give a sucker an even break? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Come on Kryten, get on with it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Commencing integration. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Glory or insanity awaits. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten presses a control and an electronic arm starts passing over Rimmer from his feet towards his head. [_<800>] Kryten and Lister are walking down a corridor. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's read every book in the medical library? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] In under three hours. The change is quite astonishing. But sir I feel I should warn you, this is not the pile of human wreckage we know as Arnold Rimmer. Prepare yourself. [:np] [:ra 245] They arrive at a room where Rimmer is sitting in front of a computer. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, we've received the coordinates. Perhaps we should be, ahem, making tracks? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten, [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer turns around and we can see that he is wearing glasses and holding his head up in a pompous manner [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just thinking. Assuming of course we're not dealing with five-dimensional objects in a basic Euclidean geometric universe and given the essential premise that all geo-mathematics is based on the hideously limiting notion that one plus one equals two, and not as Astemeyer correctly postulates that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different precepts, the theoretical shape described by {Siddus} must therefore be a poly-dri-doc-deca-wee-hedron- a-hexa-sexa-hedro-adicon-a-di-bi-dolly-he-deca-dodron. (Everything else is popycock. Isn't that so? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer? [_<400>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister, Rimmer and Kryten are walking down a corridor. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning. perhaps you'd like to hear it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm afraid we don't speak Japanese, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I could translate it into Mandarin for you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer we don't speak Japanese, we don't speak Mandarin, and we don't speak satsuma! [:np] [:ra 245] in an aside to kryten [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He is really beginning to get on my pecks. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer is standing apart from them, making strange pointing motions towards the ceiling. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You must remember, sir, that he's operating on a completely different level to us now. To him we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers. [:np] [:ra 245] in the transmission room, [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Subject ready for transfer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Farewell gentlemen. Glory awaits! [:np] [:ra 245] he disappears [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] aboard the holoship, We see Rimmer and the other candidate in turn listening to a message by Captain Platini. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Test candidates, to preserve the pure intellectual nature of this challenge you will remain in separate suites. The questions will come through your headphones in a variety of different languages to confuse and disorient you. There will be a total of two hundred thousand questions in this initial session. After you have completed the tasks at workstation ['ey,] you may proceed to workstation B. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously if it's all the same to you. [:np] [:ra 245] he puts on a pair of headphones [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Mister Rimmer, that is impossible. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nevertheless, I shall attempt it. [:np] [:ra 245] he puts on a second pair of headphones [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] It begins. [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] a montage of images follows. questions flash up on computer screens and rimmer and the other contestant type on keyboards (rimmer using two at once). One of the questions reads: Given initial tangential deviation of theta/pi find the chord subtended by fractional derivative of the third quotient of theta. now, a score screen with headings "Challenger" and "Crew member 4172" which counts upwards from 225 (to rimmer) and 129. Rimmer swaps his hands between the keyboards and starts typing with his arms crossed. The score goes up to 369 to 219. Suddenly, Rimmer freezes. His score stops at 369 while the crew member's score continues to increase. [_<1000>] later, rimmer appears on Red Dwarf and begins running down a corridor. Meanwhile, the others are interviewing a female hologram. Kryten has in front of him a printout of all the candidates' details. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Erm, well you sound exactly like what we're looking for. Are there any questions that you'd like to ask us? [:nr] [:dv br 0 ap 140 f4 20000] [:ra 300] I just want to get one thing clear in my mind. This is an opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew, and the crew is you three. Basically you spend your time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker and eating curries. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well we don't do that much salvaging. [:nr] [:dv br 0 ap 140 f4 20000] [:ra 300] But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No, we don't eat curry every night if that's what you think. In fact I remember quite clearly last June Mister Lister had a pizza. You remember? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister nods in agreement [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And you didn't like it. But then I poured curry sauce all over it and he just yummed it up! [:nr] [:dv br 0 ap 140 f4 20000] [:ra 300] And the all-night poker sessions, is it always strip poker? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It depends on how drunk we are. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Or how much curry he's had. [:nr] [:dv br 0 ap 140 f4 20000] [:ra 300] So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't really have much interest in horse riding or ballet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fffine by us, as long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool. But of course there's one or two other people that we have to see, but in theory if we offered you the post of replacement hologram would you accept? [:nr] [:dv br 0 ap 140 f4 20000] [:ra 300] No. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No. [:nr] [:dv br 0 ap 140 f4 20000] [:ra 300] No, I think erm, I'm better off where I am. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] But you're dead! [:nr] [:dv br 0 ap 140 f4 20000] [:ra 300] And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well thank you very much, Miz Harrison. Thank you. Thank you very much. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Next! [:np] [:ra 245] Harrison disappears [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Next candidate: [:np] [:ra 245] a man appears [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Deck ['sahrjhaxnt\] Sam Murray. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah, Sam. Now, as Holly will have told you [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer rushes in and interrupts. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten! my own mind's come back, you've got to help me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, what happened exactly? Was it a slow deterioration in your own intelligence or did it happen in seconds? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Seconds. I'm in the middle of the assessment. You've got to give me another mind patch pronto. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, I'm sorry sir, it's classic rejection syndrome. Once the minds are unmeshed there is nothing we can do. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you talking about? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well you just don't have the sort of brain that can accept an implant, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh no! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm sorry sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There must be something you can do! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm afraid not. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But I'm winning, I'm so close! [:np] [:ra 245] he notices Sam Murray [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who's this? I'm not even gone and you're choosing my replacement! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We thought you weren't coming back. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well you should have known better shouldn't you. You actually expect something to go right for me? Arnold schmucko Rimmer? Tosspot by royal appointment? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well where are you going, sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm going to withdraw. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 250] in the holoship's lift, Rimmer, Number 1, and another female hologram are present. [:nu] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] I hear you're doing really well in the assessment. [:nu] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] Well listen, if you make it through maybe you'd like to have sex some time next week. I'm free Wednesday Morning. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm sorry I'm busy Wednesday, I'm killing myself. [:np] [:dv ap 40 pr 100 hr 100 sr 100] [:ra 300] Floor 6120, botanical gardens. [:np] [:ra 245] The two women leave and Nirvanah Crane enters. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Arnie, where've you been? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] To hell and back. I've withdrawn from the challenge. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] But you're winning. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I was using a mind patch. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] A mind patch! are you insane? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I would have done anything to get on this ship. Every time I look in the mirror, I see this [:np] [:ra 245] his letter H. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Only to me it doesn't mean hologram, it means half-wit, hopeless, hideous failure. This was a chance to be somebody. Somebody I liked. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] I've never met anyone like you before. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Everyone says that. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] Listen to me mister! Underneath all that neurotic mess is someone nice trying to get out. Someone who deserves a chance to grow. So you won't give up, OK? OK? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I cheated. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] You're going to win, Arnie. You're going to get your dream. I promise you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You really think? [:np] [:ra 245] Nirvanah Crane kisses her finger and touches Rimmer's lips. The lift door opens. [:nb] [:dv ap 260 sm 100 pr 700] [:ra 300] I really think. [:np] [:ra 245] she leaves [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] back on red dwarf, rimmer enters a room where cat, lister and kryten await. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I won. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My opponent withdrew. I won. I'm an officer. I leave tonight. [:np] [:ra 245] he leaves [_<1200>] In the transmission room, Rimmer is saying goodbye to the other Dwarfers, rather falteringly. His letter H is now in a circle. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know that given the choice I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say [_<400>] that over the years, [_<500>] I have come to regard you [_<300>] as [_<300>] people [_<200>] I met. Think I'd just better go, OK? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] See you smeghead. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Transfer. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Transfer. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer disappears. [_<800>] the holoship disappears and we see the blue comet fly away. On board the holoship, Number 2 and Rimmer walk into a room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] Here are your quarters, Mister Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There must be some mistake. these are commander Crane's quarters. [:nf] [:dv br 0 sr 100] [:ra 300] Oh didn't you know? She was your opponent. [:np] [:ra 245] Music starts playing, as from the film which was playing at the start of the episode. Rimmer walks into the captain's room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Navigation officer Rimmer reporting, sir. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Arnold, welcome aboard. I trust everything's to your sa [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Permission to speak, sir. I wish to resign my commission, sir. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Resign. Er, may I ask your reasoning please? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Flight commander Crane has taken leave of her senses and fallen in love with me, sir. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Love? Surely not. Commander Crane is far too intellectually advanced to submit to a mere short-term hormonal imbalance. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's why she withdrew from the challenge and allowed me to win, sir. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Mister Rimmer, what you are suggesting is that somehow she cared more for your happiness than she did for her own life. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Am I? Yes sir, I suppose I am, sir. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] And now you are doing something equally unfathomable. resigning so that she can be reinstated, even though here you could have everything: a position of command, an effective physical presence, everything. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Perhaps you'd be kind enough to pass this note on to her, sir. [:np] [:ra 245] he hands over an envelope. The music swells. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] I understand your gesture, but really your resignation solves nothing. After all the two of you will still be [_<300>] apart. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Permission to return to Red Dwarf, sir. [:nd] [:dv br 0 hs 100 sm 60 ri 0 ap 100] [:ra 300] Granted. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer stands to attention and salutes. He begins to leave. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh and sir, you're wrong. We won't be apart, we just [_<500>] won't be together. [:np] [:ra 245] A look of disgust comes over Rimmer's face. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I cannot believe I just said that! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer leaves. [_<800>] the end.