[:np :ra245 :ph on]
RED DWARF, Season 5, Episode 2.  The Inquisitor.
[_<800>]
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Editors Notes. [_<400>] [:tone<440,100>] a tone of 440 hertz lasting 100 milliseconds means that the character just about to speak comes from the past or future, in other words, does not come from the present.  [:tone<880,100>] A tone of 880 hertz lasting 100 milliseconds means the person comes from the present.  [_<400>] Note that these tones are only used where necessary, not all the time.
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
A middle-aged man is sleeping in a darkened bedroom somewhere on Earth.  A tall, black-caped figure with a black and white mask similar to a skull appears in the doorway, backlit and with smoke curling around his ankles.  ALLMAN, a stout man with gray hair, scrabbles about on the nightstand looking for his glasses.
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Thomas Allman!  You have been found unworthy of having existed.
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Is that you, mother?
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Your life and all memory of you will be wiped from history.  The void you occupied in the space-time continuum will be allocated to a person who was never given the gift of life.  May they spend their time more wisely.
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR shoots an orange red beam of light at ALLMAN from a glove-like device he wears, which forms an aura around ALLMAN.
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But, please!  Why me?  There must be others who have lived worthless lives!
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All will be judged.
[:np :ra245]
In ALLMAN's picture of himself on his nightstand, his image is replaced with that of a thinner, taller dark-haired man with a mustache.  The dark-haired man then appears in the room in a flash of yellow-green light.
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It is complete.  All that remains is to delete your physical form.
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR shoots another red orange beam at ALLMAN, who sort of dissolves.  He then turns to speak to the new ALLMAN.
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Sorry to disturb you, sir.  Reality trouble.
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR salutes, turns, and vanishes.
[_<800>]
LISTER, RIMMER, and KRYTEN are all present in the cockpit of Starbug.  KRYTEN hands LISTER a cup.
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Coffee, sir.  Double caffineated, quadruple sugar.
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Nice one.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN looks over LISTER's shoulder at what he is reading.
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Ah, Virgil's Aeneid.  Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy, the most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment!
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yeh, it's the comic book version.  It's good though, man.  Absolutely full of history.
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RIMMER gives them a disgusted look.  Kryten reads from the book.
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Zap, pow, kersplat, die in bed you Trojan pig-dog, gnyourrg, kerpow.  I see they've remained faithful to the original text.  I'm sure Virgil would have approved.
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Kryten, don't discourage him.  It's the only thing he's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps.
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I dunno though.  This wooden horse of Troy malarkey, I'm not buying that.
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It's one of the most famous military maneuvers in history!
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I mean, the Greeks have been camped outside Troy, kerpowing, zapping, and kersplatting the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeh?
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So?
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So all of a sudden they wake up one morning and the Greeks have gone.  And there outside the city walls they've left this gift; this tribute to their valiant foes:  a huge wooden horse, just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities?  Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, "Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzy.  What's wrong with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?" No, they don't, they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night!  People that stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds!  You know what the big joke is?  From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," when it would be much more logical to derive the phrase, "Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads!"
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Well, thank you, AJP Taylor.
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Starbug lurches to one side.  CAT comes running in from the back.  LISTER starts fiddling with things on the console.
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What was that?
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
Strange, we've changed course.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Are you sure, Holly?  There's no course change programmed.
[:np :ra245]
The ship is rocked again.  Red lights start flashing and klaxons start sounding.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
And again!  Mark one eight zero, a complete turn!  We're heading back to Red Dwarf.
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gimmy manual, Hol.
[:np :ra245]
As LISTER takes hold of the steering wheel, an arc of electricity jumps across it and shocks him.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
We're locked out!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft!
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Holly, any traffic around?
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
Nothing on the local scan.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
This isn't possible, there must be
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN is cut off as LISTER suddenly sits bolt upright, with his arm sticking out.  An arc of electricity crackles between his head and Starbug's console.  The INQUISITOR's voice is heard, but LISTER's lips don't move.
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I am in possession of the human known as Lister.  Do not attempt to resist me.
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What happened to him, his voice finally break?
[:np :ra245]
Kryten almost shouts.
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Who are you?
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Tremble at my name, for I am the Inquisitor!
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The Inquisitor!
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Your vessel is under my control.  It will return you to your mother ship where you will face judgment.  You will each present a case to justify your existence.  If you fail, you will be deleted!
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR relinquishes LISTER's body.  He slumps down in the chair, panting.
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Are you okay, sir?
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yeh.  God, I think so.
[:np :ra245]
He stands up.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
A little bit shaky.
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I think we should run you through the Mediscan, though, just as a precaution.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, okay.
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
Starbug is now heading back to Red Dwarf as we see the rear section.  All are sitting in the back room.  LISTER is wrapped in a blanket.
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So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor?"
[:np :ra245]
Kryten responds a tad too dramatically.
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Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!!
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A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
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Holly's tone is hushed.
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So who is he?
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yeh, what's his beef?
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Well, the legend tells of a droid, a self-repairing simulant, who survives till the end of eternity; to the end of time itself.  After millions of years alone, he finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to lead a worthwhile life.  And so the droid constructs a time machine, and roams eternity, visiting every single soul in history, and assessing each one.  He erases all those who have wasted their lives and replaces them with those who never had a chance of life, the unfertilized eggs, the sperms that never made it.  THAT is the Inquisitor, he prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless!
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We're in big trouble.
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Wait a minute!  Who's to say what's worthless?
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Oh please!  Take a look in the mirror!  Read your entry in "Who's Nobody!"
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No, I mean it!  Who's to judge?  Who's to say what's worthwhile?
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Well, let's face it, Listy, lying on your bunk, reading "What Bike" and eating sugar puff sandwiches for eight hours every day is unlikely to qualify.
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So just because I haven't writ any symphonies or painted the Sistine Chapel, that makes me prunable?
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
No, being a totally worthless, unwashed space bum, that's what makes you prunable.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Precisely.  The criterion is not fame, it is simply to have lived a worthwhile life.
[:np :ra245]
Rimmer is whimpering with his head in his hands.
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Why did noone mention this before?  If I had been told this at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it!  All those charity telethons when I used to ring in and pledge donations, if I had known this, I would have given them _my_ credit card number!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir!  Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life!
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Oh god.
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Make a contribution!
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Oh god.
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No matter how small!
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Oh god.
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You simply have to have lead a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving!
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You're doing this on purpose, aren't you!
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I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir!
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Well shut up then!
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Hang on a minute, why should we have to take any notice of some half-crazed rogue robot who's appointed himself judge and jury to the whole of humanity?  Why should we kowtow to his judgment?
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR takes control of LISTER's body again.  His spine stiffens and electric arcs crackle around him.
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Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry weed!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER's body is released.
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Good answer, man, good answer!
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
Starbug lands in the cargo bay.  We now see a coridore in Red Dwarf.  LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN and CAT walk down a dark and dingy corridor.
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So where is he?
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR appears in a bright haze of light, blocking the corridor.
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See me now and tremble!  The Inquisition begins!  Prove to me you are worthy of the honor of life, or drink deeply from the well of nothingness for all eternity!
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I hate these either-or questions.
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Who is to be first?
[:np :ra245]
The CAT and RIMMER both demand that LISTER go first, but LISTER< CAT and KRYTEN are frozen as an energy blob.
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The hologram.  You shall be first.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER is full of nerves and speaks in a small voice.
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Pardon?
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR zaps RIMMER with a yellow-green ray, and he disappears.
the Inquizitor is seated on a black throne shaped like a griffin.  RIMMER stands before him in a dark room with a few lit candles in the background.
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You have been granted the greatest gift of all:  the gift of life.  Tell me what you have done to deserve this superlative good fortune.
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Well, I say this with the highest respect, but what gives you the right to ask, no, actually, demand that answer of me, Your Magnificence?
[:np :ra245]
He curtsies and bows.
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All must answer to the Inquisitor!
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But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
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Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall be yourself!
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Oh smeg!
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"Oh smeg," indeed, mayty!
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Everyone is judged by their own self?
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It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.  Now then, justify yourself.
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Well, first I
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Liar!
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I've done good things.
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No, you haven't!
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In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
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No, you didn't.
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Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life.
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When?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Ah!  What's that in the corner?  It's the ark angel Gabriel!  Well, that's me converted, I'm a new man!  Hallelujah!
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You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man, aren't you?
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Well sort of, yes.
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So then, _justify_ yourself!
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What else could I have been?  My father was a half-crazed military failure, my mother was a bitch-queen from hell.  My brothers had all the looks and talent.  What did I have?  Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails.  Yes, I admit I'm nothing.  But from what I started with, nothing is up.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER disappears and is replaced by CAT.  The INQUISITOR has now taken on CAT's face and voice.
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Hi, buddy!
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This is your judgment day, bud.  I gotta be cruel!  There can be no favors.
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I'm hearing you on FM!
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I have to ask you the question:  justify your existence.  what contribution have you made?
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I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
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Well, that's true.
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Can I go now?
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That's your case?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
You need more?
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
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Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy.  But a shallow guy with a great ass!
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Sometimes you astonish even me!
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Thank you!
[:np :ra245]
CAT is replaced by KRYTEN.  The INQUISITOR now looks like KRYTEN.
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Well Kryten, justify yourself.
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I'm not sure I can.
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But surely your life is replete with good works.  There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
But I am programmed to live unselfishly.  And therefore, any good works I do come not out of fine motives but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.
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Well then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
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Your argument invites deletion.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
The rules are yours, not mine.
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Do you wish to be erased?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything.  I serve.
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In a human, this behavior might be considered stubborn.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
But I am not human, and neither are you.  And it is not our place to judge them.  I wonder why you do?
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR closes his mask.
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Enough!
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR opens the mask again to reveal LISTER's face.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
Well!  Get out of this one, smeghead!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What're you talking about?
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You know what you could've made of your life, if you tried.  What you could've become.
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So?
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
You've got brains, man!  Brains you've never used!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So?
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
So, justify yourself!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Spin on it!
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR closes his mask.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
The Inquisition is over.  I have reached my verdict.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN and CAT are now back standing together in the hall.
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Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have been.  You have lived without merit, and so not lived at all!
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR zaps RIMMER and CAT with the green light, and they disappear.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You scum!  You've wiped them out!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN has to hold LISTER back.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He's crazy, Kryten!  He's erased the Cat and Rimmer!
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
They are quite safe.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir?  I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Ah.
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR does something on his gauntlet, and chains appear linking KRYTEN and LISTER together at the ankles and the wrists.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
The Cat has lead a more worthwhile life than either of us?
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
He is a shallow and selfish creature, as is the hologram.  By their own low standards they have acquitted themselves.  Whereas you and the mechanoid could have been so much more.
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR surrounds them with the red orange energy bubble.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's this?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Best guess:  we are being surgically removed from time.  Every memory of us, every action we ever performed is being dissolved.  Our lives are being undone.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
It is complete.  The time-lines are knitted.  Causality is healed.  All that remains is to remove your physical forms from existence.
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Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
No plan, sir.
[:np :ra245]
He indecates his arms.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
No sleeves.
[:np :ra245]
Another KRYTEN appears behind the INQUISITOR.  He is wearing a gauntlet like the INQUISITOR's.
[:tone<440,100> :nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Perfect!  Ah, now, what did I do next?
[:np :ra245]
FUTURE KRYTEN revs up a chainsaw and cuts off the INQUISITOR's hand with the gauntlet.  While the INQUISITOR staggers around in pain, FUTURE KRYTEN kicks the gauntlet to LISTER and KRYTEN.
[:tone<440,100> :nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Now, hurry!  Take the gauntlet and go!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What the smeg is going on?
[:tone<440,100> :nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I don't have time to explain!  I've come from the future to rescue you.  Now you must go!  Hurry!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 100 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
What about me?  I mean [_<300>] you [_<300>] I mean [_<300>] us?
[:tone<440,100> :nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I'm afraid we get killed.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 100 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Killed?  How?
[:tone<440,100> :nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
While I'm standing here explaining this to you, the Inquisitor jumps me from behind, like this.
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR jumps FUTURE KRYTEN from behind and starts to crush his head against the wall.
[:tone<440,100> :nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I forgot to say, before you reach the final confrontation in the storage bay you must have decoded the gauntlet's controls.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How?  Can you give us a clue?
[:tone<440,100> :nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well, I cannot explain.  For some bizarre reason my final words are "Enig."
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
"Enig?"
[:tone<440,100> :nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
yeh, enig
[:np :ra245]
There is a crunching noise as the INQUISITOR finally crushes FUTURE KRYTEN's head.  The remaining KRYTEN begins to pull LISTER away down the corridor.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 100 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Come on sir, we have to go!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He's just killed you, Kryten!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir!  We have to go!
[:np :ra245]
Cut to the INQUISITOR regenerating the cut-off hand.  Cut to LISTER and KRYTEN running down corridors, trying to escape as red lights flash and klaxons sound.  LISTER and KRYTEN come upon a locked door.  LISTER puts his palm over a glass rectangle near the door.  The square lights up, and a low sound is heard.  HOLLY appears on a screen in the wall.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
You are not registered as personnel of this vessel.  Please state your name and clearance code.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's us, Hol!!
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
Please state your name and clearance code.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Lister, D.  Treble zero, one six nine.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
I have no record of your palm-print.
[:np :ra245]
Sirens begin blaring.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
Intruder Alert!  Intruder Alert!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER motions for KRYTEN to try.  KRYTEN puts his hand on the palm-print device.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Initiating Override!
[:np :ra245]
The sirens stop.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
Please state your name and clearance code.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Log on name:  Kryten.  Registration code:  Additional zero zero one.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
I have no record of your CPU ident.
[:np :ra245]
The sirens start up again.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We don't exist here anymore!
[:np :ra245]
White smoke shoots out of the wall near LISTER.  He doubles over and puts his hands on his face.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Tear gas!
[:np :ra245]
They run the other way down the corridor.  Another jet of tear gas comes out of the opposite end of the corridor.  They retreat to the middle.  A door opens, and RIMMER and CAT come through.  CAT is wielding a bazookoid.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh, thank god it's you guys.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Move so much as an eyebrow, and you're dog meat.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What?  It's us!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Who are you people and what do you want?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer!  It's me!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
How do you know my name?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Don't fall for that one, buddy, he read it on your uniform!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN speaks to LISTER.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, they've never met us before.  We are limbo people, between realities.  They have no memory of us.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
So, I'm going to ask you one more time:  what do you want?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Yo, we're not the enemy!  There's a guy 'round ear somewhere, wandering 'round obliterating people from history!  We used to be your shipmates.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Only we've forgotten you.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Well, I don't know about you, CAT, but I'm convinced.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, I _know_ you!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Well, if you do know me, you'll know I'm the kind of rough-and-tumble, hardened Astro, ex-Marine type guy you do _not_ trifle with.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No, you're not!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
For the last time, I'm asking
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Fiona Barringson!  Fifteen years of age.  You got off with her in your Dad's greenhouse.  You thought you got lucky but it turned out all the time that you had your hand in warm compost.  How could I know that, and not know you?
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER talks to cat out of the side of his mouth.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Not true!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You got three brothers:  John, Howard, and Frank.  You're really mean with money.  You're a tremendous physical coward.  You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four people committed suicide!  Your middle name's Judas, but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan.  You sign all your official letters AJ Rimmer, BSC, and BSC.  stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate.  You're a cheating, weaselly, lowlife scumbucket, with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse!
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Gotta admit, bud, he's got a handle on you there.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER nods in agreement.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sirs, you've got to help us!  The Inquisitor will stop at nothing to obliterate us!
[:np :ra245]
A door opens and the SECOND KRYTEN and SECOND LISTER walk through.  They are very similar to the first KRYTEN and LISTER, but the SECOND KRYTEN's head is more rounded, and his voice is a little higher pitched.  The SECOND LISTER is dressed similarly, but he is slightly smaller and has a worse haircut.  (Actually, it's a bad wig, and judging by his accent, the actor is not an actual Scouser.
[:tone<440,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Who the smeg are these guys, Rimmer?
[:tone<880,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Never mind, "Who the smeg are these guys?" Who the smeg are you?
[:tone<440,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I the smeg am Lister!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Of course!  He's the alternative you!  One of the many David Listers who never got a chance to exist.
[:tone<880,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So we're kind of sperms-in-law?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Yes, sir.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 100 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Delicately put, sir.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
So whatta we do with them?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
I say waste them.
[:tone<440,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, for smeg's sake!
[:tone<880,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He's such a dork, man!
[:tone<440,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You're telling me?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Look, they come here with some cock-and-bull story, they're chained together like Sidney Poiter and Tony Curtis, I say open the door to oblivion and kick them through.
[:tone<440,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, no one's killing no one, allright?
[:tone<880,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, right!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Look, they're from some freaky alternative dimension, they've come here to hijack this ship and do [_<300>] oooh, weird things to us.  I think we should take the lift, put them on the security deck and stick them in the brig.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
I hate to say it, but for once TransAm-wheel-arch-nostrils is right.  Come on, get moving!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
What did you call me?
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
everyone packed together in a very old lift, the kind with fold-up iron grating instead of a door.  The LISTERS are having a conversation.
[:tone<880,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look man, you know the score.
[:tone<440,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why do I know the score?
[:tone<880,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Because you're me.  We're shot from the same gun-barrel.  Only difference is, one did breast-stroke, one did crawl.
[:tone<440,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What are you trying to say?
[:tone<880,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm saying
[:np :ra245]
LISTER is cut off when the INQUISITOR appears on the floor above them and begins shooting orange lasers at them through the floor (which is metal grating.)
[:tone<880,100> :nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's him, guys!
[:np :ra245]
General panic ensues as everyone tries to escape.  LISTER and KRYTEN become separated from the group.  The SECOND LISTER and SECOND KRYTEN are blown up when the INQUISITOR's lasers touch off an explosion.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
C'mon, let's go.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Let's go back!  Let's go back!
[:np :ra245]
They return to where they heard the explosion.  LISTER crouches over the bodies of the SECOND LISTER and SECOND KRYTEN.  They have been literally blown to pieces.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh my god.  Hang on a minute, I can use this.  C'mon, go!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER has picked up something, but we couldn't see what.  They continue running.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
If we got down to the transport decks, maybe we could nick one of the Starbugs, and get outta town.
[:np :ra245]
They come upon a door.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Uh-oh, a door.  We'd better use an air vent.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No need.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, I'm gonna do something now, Kryten, that's totally, totally gross.  I don't want you to look.  Turn around.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
What?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Trust me, you don't wanna know!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN reluctantly turns around.  LISTER pulls the object he picked up earlier out of his jacket:  it's a hand.  He presses the severed hand to the palm-print device, and the door opens.  He puts the hand back in his jacket and turns around.  KRYTEN has a sick look of realization on his face.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Logically, sir, there is only one way you could have possibly have opened that door.  I feel quite nauseous.  Where is it?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Where's what?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Oh, sir!! You've got it in your jacket!!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I got us out of the hold, didn't I?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, you are sick!  You are a sick, sick person!  How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Cheer up!  Or I'll beat you to death with the wet end!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, if mechanoids could barf, I'd be onto my fifth bag by now.  You're a sick person!  Sick!  Sick!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
C'mon, Kryten, let's go!  C'mon!
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
Starbug cockpit.  LISTER and KRYTEN are seated inside Starbug.  LISTER is attempting to break the chains, while KRYTEN is examining the gauntlet.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's the point?  Why am I trying to get outta this?  We already know we fail.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Not so, sir!  All we know is that I die.  Now, if my small gambit ultimately results in your safety, then it will be a move well made.  For myself, death holds no fear.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh yeh?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life.  That's why the Mechanoid 4000 series was voted "Android of the Year" five years running!  I have as much interest in saving my own life as a chronically-depressed lemming.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's not true, is it?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Not anymore.  And it's all because of me.  It's my fault.  'Cause I made you break your programming.  I taught you how to lie.  How to make your own decisions.  I made you more [_<300>] more human.  I gave you a life to lose.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, with the greatest respect, that is complete and utter shash.
[:np :ra245]
His right leg is bouncing up and down, nervously.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, I know when you're lying.  Your right foot jiggles.  It's involuntary.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Nonsense.
[:np :ra245]
It jiggles harder.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I'm not afraid to die.
[:np :ra245]
Harder still.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
For me, death holds no fear.
[:np :ra245]
His leg is now jiggling so much his whole body is moving.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I believe in Silicon Heaven!  I believe in an after-life for androids!  Haven't you got through those damn manacles yet?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER bangs the hammer down.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm not gonna let it happen, man.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Cause and effect, sir.  It already _has_ happened.  There's nothing we can do except to try and save your life.
[:np :ra245]
Motioning towards the gauntlet.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Okay, now I think I have this, it's a variant of the Enigma decoding system.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Enigma!  Enig, Enigma!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
"Enig," of course!  My last words!  Well, anyway, if this thing works, it should age those manacles by half a million years.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
If it doesn't work?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
It'll wipe out the universe.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN presses a button on the gauntlet, and a yellow-green beam comes out of it and turns the manacles and chains into powder.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Phew.  What now?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well now, _we_ have the power.
[:np :ra245]
They are alarmed by the sound of clanging metal.  It must be a door opening, because CAT and RIMMER rush in.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Okay, we don't know who you are, but we've seen enough of the other dude to know we wanna be on your side.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
He killed our two crew-mates in cold blood, he's a monster.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
I'm the Cat, this is Rimmer.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh.  Lister.  Kryten.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Look, I want to make it clear, I'm not exactly in love with the idea of pitching in with you two, but needs must as the devil drives.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You really don't remember me, do you?  Everything I did used to get on your pecks.  How I used to be trimming me toenails with your electric meat-carver or something, and you'd go absolutely spare.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, we really must get down to the storage bay.  Now remember myb message to us, that is where we meet the Inquisitor for the final confrontation.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
That's your plan?  We go out there and face him?  Nice plan.  Shall I paint a bullseye on my face?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Listen, Kryten, I've been thinking about this, I've come up with something.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Yes, sir?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
gimmy the time gauntlet.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN gives it to him.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
But you don't know how to use it, sir!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You'll have to shout out instructions, won't you?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Wouldn't it be simpler if I wore it?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You can't wear it, Kryten!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Why not?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You're programmed not to kill.
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
Red Dwarf hallway.  Dissolve to LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, and CAT walking down a hallway.  The INQUISITOR appears behind them and they turn around.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
So, the mortals seek to challenge my mastery!
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR kills RIMMER and CAT by zapping them with a red orange beam from his time gauntlet.  LISTER and KRYTEN are around a corner, hidden from view.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, I don't know how to work this thing.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Gamma, delta, one four five.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN goes off in the opposite direction.  LISTER and the INQUISITOR appear at opposite ends of the hall, like a showdown.  They both furiously punch buttons on their gauntlets and fire.  The two beams meet in the middle and cancel each other out.  LISTER tries to do something else, but the INQUISITOR gets him first with a yellow-green beam.  LISTER falls down behind a pillar.  A close-up of LISTER reveals he is now a young boy, about 8 or 9 years old.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Smeg!  You youthed me!
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
The sport begins!
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR zaps LISTER again, and LISTER becomes a very elderly man.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Now what the smeg have you done to me?
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR back-hands the elderly LISTER in the jaw, knocks him down, and begins programming something into his gauntlet.  KRYTEN sneaks up behind the INQUISITOR.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
Huh?
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR turns around, and LISTER freezes the INQUISITOR with a blue ray.  KRYTEN takes the INQUISITOR's gauntlet and zaps LISTER back to his normal age.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Excuse me, could I possibly just distract you for just a brief second?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
It was the best I could ad-lib at the time.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He got the Cat and Rimmer, though.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I know.  Look sir, I've got to go back in time and sacrifice myself in order that we can get into this mess we're in now in the first place.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN starts programming something into his gauntlet.  LISTER is not happy.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, sure.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer, hasn't it, sir?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How long before he unfreezes?  Ten minutes?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
No. Eight point four.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We'd better be right, Kryten.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I know.  Gauntlets.
[:np :ra245]
They switch gauntlets.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Now what do I say when I pop up behind the Inquisitor?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Uh [_<300>] "Perfect, now what do I"
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
That's it, that's it.  Don't tell me, I've got it.  Don't tell me, I've got it, I've got it.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN disappears.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK, big fella, it's dangling time.
[:np :ra245]
Cut to LISTER looking over a railing.  the INQUISITOR is dangling from a rope over a very long drop.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Welcome back on-line.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
What are you doing?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
One way or the other, you killed a lot of my friends this afternoon.  In fact, you may never get on my good side again.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER lights a cigarette.  He drops the lighter to demonstrate how long the drop is.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oops.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
So now you're going to kill me?  I don't think so.  You're a fat little human who doesn't have the balls.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Strong talk for a guy who's dangling over a chasm.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
I've seen inside your heart.  You don't have it in you.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER sets the rope afire where it is tied to a hook in the wall.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh yeh?  Bet your life?
[:np :ra245]
The rope burns through, but LISTER has caught ahold of it and drags the INQUISITOR up to safety.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I never intended to kill you.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
Oh, no?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No. I intended to save your life.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
Save my life?  Why?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
cause if I save your life, and you erase me, then I won't be there to save your life, and you'll die.  Chew on that, pal.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER grinds out his cigarette under the sole of his boot and throws the gauntlet back to the INQUISITOR.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
Giving me my gauntlet back?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, I'm allright.  you can't touch me.  You might've killed the others, but I'm okay.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
Oh, just one thing.  If I erase you from history, you will never have existed to end my life in the first place.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's a point.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
So now, I can erase you quite safely.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh.
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR presses buttons on his gauntlet, but instead of the energy flowing out the tip of the finger, it flows backward out of the wrist, enveloping the INQUISITOR in a red orange bubble.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh!  It's the old backfiring-time-gauntlet trick.  You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to oblivion.
[:np :ra320 :dv ap 70 sm 30 pr 50 hr 50]
But you can't.  All my glorious work will be undone!
[:np :ra245]
The INQUISITOR and the time gauntlet dissolve.  KRYTEN reappears.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh, it worked!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
It worked?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, you're a genius!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
It was your scheme, sir.  I simply re-programmed the gauntlet.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
So what happens now?
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER reappears a little ways away.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well, basically we wait for the time-space continuum to re-order itself.
[:np :ra245]
CAT reappears as well.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Give you five?  I can do better than that!
[:np :ra245]
Holding up the severed hand.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I can give you fifteen!
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
The End.