[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 245] Red Dwarf, Series 5, Episode 3. [t'ehrrr form] [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 275] [:dv br 0 pr 100 ap 10 hs 90 sr 100 hr 0 la 40] Remain calm, Kryten, this is your CPU speaking. There has been an accident. Both your legs have been crushed beyond repair. Your ambulatory system has been destroyed, and your life expectancy is currently estimated at 67 minutes. If there is any further news we will keep you updated. In the meantime, here is a little music. [_<800>] Your auto repair systems are now able to restore visuals. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Kryten personal black box recording. Time: unknown. Location: unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should someone find this recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here. [_<600>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] My short term memory has been erased. This, I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. [_<600>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short term memory, has left me a little disoriented. disoriented: disoriented? Sixty seven minutes! I'd better get out of here! [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] to his hand. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Of course! Can you hear me? [:np] [:ra 245] the hand squeaks a yes [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] OK, now find an ore sample pod. There should be plenty strewn around the crash site. Initiate the homing procedure and bring help, OK? [:np] [:ra 245] it squeaks again [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Good luck, boy! [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] on red dwarf, lister approaches holly. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ok, I'm here. What's the beef? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] We've got a visitor. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] A pod arrived about 20 minutes ago. Something was in it, but it's broken free. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Any ideas? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, I don't want to spread any panic or alarm. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What ['daxyxuw] mean, you don't want to spread panic and alarm? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Well, you've always had this thing against tarantulas, haven't you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tarantulas? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I mean, you've never been overly fond of them as a species, have you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, no! [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] And the prospect of waking up and finding one crawling over your clammy, naked, helpless body has always filled you with a kind of, [_<500>]cold dread? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you ['trayihn] to say to me, Holly? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I'm saying, it might not be your night. Look at this. This is the best shot the security cameras could get. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where is it now? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] We lost it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What does Kryten think? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Kryten's off moon-hopping with Rimmer. Radio link's down. I'll keep trying. [_<800>] [:np] later on, Kryten's disembodied hand appears. it squeaks, but nobody notices as cat meets up with lister. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So what's happenin? Hey, you OK? You look tense! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] HELP Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You're playing that dumb adventure game! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard! That's what I usually do! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm SERIOUS [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It has an eye the size of a meatball [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kill it [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm scared [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] YOU'RE scared! How ['daxyxuw] think I feel? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You haven't SEEN it! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The lower half of my body has gone numb. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] {That's probably for the best} [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] {It's moving. Oh! [_<400>] [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten's hand speaks up finally. [:nb] [:dv ap 400] {Hello. Kryten is in danger. No time to explain. Follow.} [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] kryten is still lying immobile. lister and the cat are with him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten man, take it easy. I'm going to get you out of there. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] My legs, I can't feel them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, they're trapped under the stanchion, I'm gonna have to cut you in two. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Er, begging your pardon, sir? [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is actually preparing to cut kryten into bits. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, man! Keep still! I'm trying to draw a line here, I don't want it to go all wonky! I'll keep as much of you as possible. [_<700>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, a couple of brief points. Firstly, you are not a qualified service engineer, and consequently sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee. Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open! [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] kryten is alive. not entirely whole to be sure, but he's at least still online. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ooh! You're right! He really isn't dead, I owe you twenty! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, are you OK? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I think so, sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's a few bits and bobs left over [_<600>] but its always the same when you try a bit of Do-It-Yourself, isn't it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Where's Mister Rimmer? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We were just gonna ask you! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What happened? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, there are gaps. I remember Mister Rimmer spotted an S3 planet on the scope, and wanted to claim it on behalf of the Space Corps. As usual, the ceremony consisted of planting the flag and singing all 23 stanzas of the Space Corps anthem. Then the planet started to erupt around us, which frankly came as something of a relief. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A moon quake? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Worse! It was as if the entire planet was reshaping, terraforming itself as we watched. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And then? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, then things got a bit sketchy. I remember an explosion and then blackness. And then. I remember MisterRimmer screaming. I have an image of his face twisted in anguish [_<400>] dread [_<400>] absolutely mortified! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Did someone suggest he pick up the tab for lunch? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Something took him. Something awful! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Can we track him Holly? Can you get a trace on his light beam? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Got him. Click and a half due south. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Suggest we continue the journey by land, sir. I'll lower the caterpillar tracks. [_<600>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I think I've just worked out what that missing circuit board's for, sir. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] the troop are searching for rimmer on the moon. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This is one wierd place. Strange animal noises, unbearable stench, squelchy underfoot, it's just like your laundry basket at the end of the month! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Get anythin? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] My guess is this is a Psi Moon. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Psi Moon? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] An artificial planetoid. It tunes in to an individual's psyche and adapts its terrain to mimic his mental state. In this instance, I believe it reconfigured itself using Mister Rimmer's subconscious as a template. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you sayin to me, Kryten? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We are interlopers inside Mister Rimmer's mind. [_<600>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This sounds like a twelve change of underwear trip! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] If this planet's Rimmer's mind, what is it that took him? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] All his neuroses, all his personal demons will be incarnated here, made flesh. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Example? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, each person's mindscape is unique, but we could well encounter say, MisterRimmer's lust. Personified as some kind of slobbering, rampaging beast. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer's lust monster? Uugh! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Every individual's mental landscape is dominated by one drive, in some cases it might be ambition, in others; greed, envy or the desire to please. Whatever it is that took Mister Rimmer, we can only pray that its intentions are benign. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, he can't be in that much danger! I mean, he's a hologram! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Not here. Here he will have physical form until he leaves, and any danger he may be in will be very real indeed. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer is seemingly having a bit of a bad time of it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, I don't know who you are, or what you think you're doing, but I demand my right to a phone call! Yes, I thought that would stop you! I thought the threat of legal action would have you running for cover. [_<600>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, I'm trying to keep my temper, but you really are pushing your luck now, my laddy. [_<600>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is this the British Embassy? Does it even look the remotest bit like the British Embassy? I want to know who you are, and what I'm doing here, and I want to know now. [_<600>] [:nh] In accordance with the appetites of the Dark One, malicious ruler of this domain, we, the Holy Legions proffer up this sacrifice to slake the vile, depraved thirstings of the Unspeakable One. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, that's cleared that up! [_<600>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Thank God! Thank God! There was some very, very strange men running around in black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes. But thank God you're here. You know, I actually thought I was in the most awful danger. [_<600>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is it me, or has it suddenly got rather hot in here? [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] back to the troop. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's happening, why have we stopped? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't like the look of that swamp, sir. I don't think it'll support the Bug. I suggest we continue the journey on foot. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You mean, go out there? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Out into Rimmer's subconscious? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] According to the signal, we're almost on top of him. Shouldn't be more than two or three hundred metres. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Remember, it's Rimmer's mind out there. Expect sickness. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm a Second Technician in the Space Corps. I'm briefed to give you my name and number and nothing more. I don't know who you people are, or what you think you're playing at, but I'm not going to give you anything else. [_<600>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You can oil me all you like. You can use your tongues and your full sensual lips to caress my erogenous zones on to a plateau of sexual ecstasy. But I'll tell you now, this nut's not for cracking. [_<600>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] However, far be it from me to change your game plan, if you absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, then so be it. Just have a large quattroformagio pizza with extra olives ready at the end. [_<600>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Err [_<400>] where are you going? Er [_<500>] what are you doing? My God! Are you going to take a flying leap? [_<600>] [:nb] We are going to summon the Master. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The Master? [:nu] You have been prepared for him. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] This "Master" character, (and I acknowledge I may not want to know the full answer to this one), but why does he want me oiling particularly? Obviously, whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes? [:nb] He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Not the best news, but it could have been worse. [_<1000>] [:np] outside, [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why I ever agreed to go for a stroll in Rimmer's psyche, I'll never know. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Terrific. This gets better and better. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is it me, or are those frogs saying "useless"? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, look at this! You've got a huge great blood sucking leech on your neck! Its got a human face! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's Rimmer's mum! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir! Come quickly, I think I've found a metaphor. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A what? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Look at all these gravestones! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "Here lies self respect, died age 24. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] They're all aspects of Mister Rimmer's personality which are dead! "Generosity, died age 9. "Self Confidence, taken from us, age 22. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "Honour, gone but not forgotten. Died age [_<400>] 12? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Look at this, this one's ['mayn`yxuwt]! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Check this one! This one's freshly dug! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Who's it for? [_<600>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, psychologically speaking, Mister Rimmer may be in far bigger trouble than any of us ever suspected. If we don't get to him before this grave is filled, we may never get out of this nightmare. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer is meeting with a grargging monster. [:nh] Grargh! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Boy, am I glad to see you! You must be the [_<600>] Unspeakable One. [:nh] Grargh! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just to fill you in. There's been a gigantic administrative cock- up. Some of your staff have somehow [_<300>] mistakenly took me for a virgin! [:nh] Stop your putrid whining, you dank tuft of rectal pubic hair. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sorry! Yes, I do tend to jabber on a bit when I'm nervous. I've never been partial to physical torture. It's actually, always been one of my [_<500>] worst nightmares [_<500>] actually. [_<600>] [:nh] Now, all your nightmares will come true here. All of them. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] lister and crew seem to have found a building of some sort. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's gotta be someway in here, we should be right on top of him. [:nh] Grargh! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Whatever that was, let's hope its had lunch! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Its right below us! [:np] [:ra 245] back to rimmer, [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who are you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] (Here!) [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And why are you being so horrible to me? [:nh] It is you who created me, nurtured me, helped me grow strong. I am the part of you that hates yourself. I am your self-loathing. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My self-loathing? [:nh] Is it not true that you despise yourself? That you detest your own incompetence and stupidity? That you hold yourself in contempt for your countless failures and disappointments? Is it not true you feel nothing but the deepest, blackest rancour for that walking vomit stain the world calls Arnold Rimmer? Is this not true? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ulp! Yes! [_<800>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, we've got two choices. Either we go in there with bazookoids blayzin an try and somehow get him outta there, or we sit here like lemons and watch him get tortured. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Anybody got any opera glasses? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Set bazookoids to kill stuffing mode. We're going in, Kryten! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] the attack seemed to have no effect. [:nh] Is it my turn, now? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Reload! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, another round of bazookoid fire could start a rock slide and bury us all! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] RELOAD! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You'd risk your lives for me? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Of course, you're part of the crew! [:nh] Aargh! [:np] [:ra 245] the monster suddenly disappears. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What happened? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wee erd! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Where'd he go? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's an old ['aendroyd] saying, which I believe is peculiarly appropriate here. In binary language it goes something like this, "0011001111001001111100111100111111001100. which roughly translated means "don't stand around jabbering while you're in mortal danger". [_<600>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Which way? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, we go right at the "Swamp of Despair", straight past the "Wood of Humiliation" and then hard left at the "Chasm of Hopelessness". [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] (You're a wierd guy, you know that?) [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] later, the rest of the group are staring at rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why are you all looking at me like that? Like as if, this is all my fault? Have you any idea what kind of day I've had? I've been kidnapped, stripped, oiled, menaced, manacled, licked, nibbled, chained, tortured, humiliated. And I nearly had a knobbly thing the size and shape of a Mexican Egave cactus jammed up where only Customs Men dare to probe. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Don't you know what this place is? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes. It's a hell-hole, it's a nightmare, it's a stinking infested pit of putridness. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, it's your mind. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's right, sir. This is a "Psi-Moon". Its terrain was landscaped by your psyche. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So [_<500>] so what are you saying to me? That thing. that, that, that beast, that lives inside my mind? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Metaphorically, yes, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Self-loathing? I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Er, would you like the list, sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What list? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, there's the fact that you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards, the fact that your three brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps, and you ended up servicing chicken-soup machines. There's you.. your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace, and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life, no-one has ever truly liked you, because you are so fundamentally unlikeable. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, that! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half way through my list. Now, where was I? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I think he's got the point, Kryten. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] God, I'm such a mess! [_<600>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What was that? [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Trouble. We've hit quicksand, we're being sucked down. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hit the retro's. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] We can't get any lift, but they're keeping us stable. Ten minutes while they burn out. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and "Junior Birdman" the Hell outta here! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] An excellent and inventive suggestion sir, with just two tiny draw- backs; ['ey] we don't have any jet-powered rocket pants, and b. there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the [_<600>] outside the fictional serial "Robbie Rocket-Pants". [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Hang on! I'm getting a powerful energy emission! [:np] [:ra 245] it's grarggy again, surprise of surprises. [:nh] Hand over the worm, and your lives will be spared. My quarrel is not with you, it's with that excremental smear who cowers amongst you. If you attempt to shield him, then I shall unleash the full, terrible fury of my hooded hordes against you. You have ten minutes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where are you ['gowihn?] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where do you think I'm going? You heard him. If I don't hand myself over, he's going to throw everything he's got at Starbug. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? You're really gonna give yourself up? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No. I'm going down to the engine rooms to cower behind one of the boilers, and I suggest you all find ingenious places to cower behind too. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] If you want my opinion, the only way anyone's going to get out of here alive is by working out some way of killing that thing. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But how? The bazookoids were totally ineffectual against it, it's invulnerable. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We're finished! [_<600>] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Increase retros to max. Now stable. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now wait a minute! [_<600>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] This is all your fault you know, you [_<600>] little glob of tuber- culotic sputem! [_<600>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Interesting, hah! Sir, you are a cruddly little scudball with all the inate loveability of an itchy veruca! [_<600>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Excellent! Mister Lister! Cat! Confabulation in the cockpit! [:np] [:ra 245] to rimmer [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Er, not you, sir. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sirs, I think I have it. The real enemy is not out there, it is in Starbug with us. The real enemy is inside Mister Rimmer's head. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Nice plan! So, we remove his head and everything's cool, right? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait a minute! That's gone right up my flag-pole that has, Kryten. I'm saluting that one! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] When we first drove back the beast in the cavern, it wasn't the bazookoid fire that forced him into the pit, it was when you told Rimmer we wouldn't desert him! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Precisely. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So if we can make Rimmer feel wanted, feel cared about. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] If we can make him feel good about himself, somehow restore his self-esteem and his pride. That would automatically vanquish the self-loathing beast, or at least debilitate it long enough for us to break free of this quicksand and get off this God forsaken Psi Moon. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How do we make him feel good? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is there about him to feel good about? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We've gotta tell him we love him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Aargh! Your sick! I want no part of this depravity. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And he must not suspect we are insincere, our lives depend on it. Ready? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'll never be ready. [_<600>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen, we've been ['tawkihn,] an the three of us have decided to stay with you and face the danger. All for one and that, you know? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Really? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that you are a [_<600>] very beautiful person. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What he means, is that we're all faysin certain death here, and I think it's about time we let each other know exactly how we feel about each other. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You think that's a good idea? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's just that guys generally aren't terrific at, you know, [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] expressing their feelings. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, they kid around and insult each other and stuff. When what they really mean is, well, they can't say the stuff they really mean. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you trying to tell me? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm just trying to say, that whatever happens here, I want you to know, I really care about you. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We all do, sir. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's true. They really do care about you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Only this morning you referred to me as a cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Er, in an affectionate way. in a kiddi' around, jokin, friendly, affectionate way. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, what he's trying to say is we may never get another opportunity to articulate our feelings, and I for one would just like to take this opportunity to say that you are a splendid man, and a much-respected colleague, and a [_<600>] gosh darn it [_<300>] damn good friend. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] We're getting some lift! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Wait a minute, I know why you're doing this! [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Going down. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Your trying to make me feel guilty aren't you? It's a transparent attempt to shame me into doing the honourable thing. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No! What ['daxyxax] mean? No! It's just, [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, why is it then? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Our number's up here, and I don't want to go out without settin' the record straight. It's not easy sayin this, one man to another, but, I love [yxax,] man. I really, really love ['yxax.] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Going up! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I think it might be a good idea at this time if we try and get into a, a kind of four-way hug situation. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's wrong with you? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't think people touch enough, sir. I think people should touch more. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I love you, Arnie! This is a beautiful man, a big man! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] This is a beautiful moment isn't it? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Your a big man! We love you, ['ey 'jhey!] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Quick! Get in the cockpit. There's something very strange happening out there. [:nh] Charge my hordes of darkness! Bring me the head of the dispicable one! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmers internal emotions and feelings begin to wage war. Honour says, Have at you, bitterness! Take that, self-doubt! respect chimes in with: Die like the dog you are, mistrust! honour continues, Feel my blade, loneliness! May your foulness rot in Hell! [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] back on starbug. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] We're getting some lift! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Twenty metres, that's enough for lift off! [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] We're almost clear! [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] later. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It was all baloney, wasn't it? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Er, what was? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All that hugging stuff, back there. It was just a way of escaping wasn't it? I mean, you didn't really feel that, deep down, I'm an OK sort of bloke, that I'm not such a bad old stick once you get to know me. You didn't really mean any of that, did you? [_<600>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] no! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] no. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] no. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] the end.