[:np :ra245 :ph on]
Red Dwarf, Season 5, Episode 4.  Quarantine.
[_<800>]
Starbug has landed near an old base on a barren-looking planet.  Blizzard Conditions prevail.  KRYTEN is in the Cockpit.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Gravity 1.5.  Wind 40 knots and variable.  Coordinates locked and set.  Launch Scouter.
[:np :ra245]
The CAT reaches for the release control.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Wait a minute.  I'm in charge of security and surveillance on-board this vessel.  I, Mister Kryten, am the one that says, "Launch Scouter."
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Launch Scouter.
[:np :ra245]
Nobody does a thing.  They all ignore RIMMER.  RIMMER grits his teeth.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Launch Scouter.
[:np :ra245]
They still all ignore him, looking round the cockpit at things the way you do when you are deliberately ignoring someone.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
I'll be in the stern, correlating the [_<300>] in the stern.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN talks quietly to the CAT.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Would you be so good as to launch the Scouter, please, sir.
[:np :ra245]
CAT responds loudly, so that RIMMER will be able to hear him.  He solutes.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Aye Aye, sir!
[:np :ra245]
He Pulls the release lever and salutes again.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Scouter Launched, sir.
[:np :ra245]
While the Scouter is traveling towards the apparently deserted base, we see a view from its perspective with the following overlay.
RESOLTION: Low.
LOC MODE: Auto.
ENHANCE: Graphics.
PRESSURE: 10.90.
TEMPERATURE: Low.
SENSOR: CCD.
[_<800>]
Starbug Stern.  RIMMER is sulking.  LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT enter from the cockpit.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, it appears we've encountered a scientific research centre.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
And there is someone in there, man, a survivor.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
A Doctor Hildegard Lanstrom.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Clearly I am superfluous to this entire operation, ably commanded as it is by a droid who was created purely to clean lavatories.  So I really don't know why you're telling me all this, Captain Bog-Bot.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
She's a hologram.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I'm afraid we are going to have to commandeer your remote projection unit in order to rescue her, sir.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Oh, I see.  First of all I am deemed unsuitable to issue the command, "Launch Scouter," and now I am being bundled into an escape pod and relieved of my duties by Commander U-bend.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, why are you taking this so personal?  It's the only way to get her back to the ship.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Why do we need another hologram on-board?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
She's a doctor, sir.  She would be a valuable asset to the team.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
And as usual it is left to me to point out the fatal flaw in your logic.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Flaw?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
This vessel, gentlemen and khazi droids, the crimson short one up there, can only sustain one hologram, or had you forgotten?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN simply look at him.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
You hadn't forgotten?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, we could work something out.  Some kind of "timeshare" thing.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
What do you mean?  What do you think I am, a holiday villa in the Algarve?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, might I remind you, as Space Corps directive 169 quite clearly states
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Holly, prepare an escape pod.  Anything to save me from another
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, the Space Corps directives are there to protect us.  They are not a set of vindictive pronouncements directed against any one person.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Has anyone ever seen this legendary Space Corps directive manual?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and CAT glance at one another, then back at RIMMER.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, no.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
He's making it up, isn't he?  The bloody book doesn't exist.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, I assure you
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Why does he only ever use them against me?  Why never against Lister?  Why do we never hear him quoting a Space Corps directive that clearly states, "No crew-member should floss his teeth with the E-string of his guitar after spraying the entire contents of his sugar puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk?" We never hear that one, do we?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Holly, kindly furnish Mister Rimmer with a hologrammatic copy of the Space Corps directive manual.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Come on, where is it?
[:np :ra245]
He Holds out one hand, palm upwards, and It appears in his hand.  It is a fairly small A5 folio.  He is unimpressed.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
That's it?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
You should be able to study it at your leisure on your trip back to Red Dwarf, sir.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER, beaten, turns to go.  However, a thought occurs to him.  He turns and addresses KRYTEN.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
You've changed, you know that?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Changed?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
They may not see it, but I do.  I know what's going on, you've become a really nasty piece of work.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
But sir, I was merely
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
You're merely a mechanoid, that's all you're "merely." Don't ever forget it.
[:np :ra245]
He leaves.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
What a smeh [_<300>] What a smeh [_<300>] What a smeh Heh.
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
Science station.  It is moodily atmospheric.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Doctor Lanstrom!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Are you there Doctor?
[:np :ra245]
They come across a vault type door.  LISTER brushes the dust off the door.  As he goes down it, he exposes writing and pictures.
VIRAL RESEARCH DEPT.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Oh brutal!
[:np :ra245]
Another line reads MOST GROSS DANGER, and it has a skull and cross-bones beside it.  BIO-SUITS MUST BE WORN AT ALL TIMES.  a picture of a bio-suit and a check-mark.  There's also red triangular warning sign with the picture inside it of a man vomiting at the same time as his guts are exploding out of his body.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Huh?
[:np :ra245]
CAT and LISTER cover their mouths and noses with hankies.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
There is no need for alarm, sir.  If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN shows them the scanner and then hits it on the side and shakes it a bit.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
It's never done that before.
[:np :ra245]
He turns away, wrestling with the device.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Blasted stupid cheap damn stupid Martian power packs.
[:np :ra245]
He throws a spent battery over one shoulder and inserts another.  CAT is worried.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
So what's the news?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up.
[:np :ra245]
He gives it another shake.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Still, it out-performs the 346 in 8 out of 9 bench tests.  A small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running.  Now here are the results.  And we're going to [_<300>] live.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We're a real Mickey Mouse operation aren't we?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Mickey Mouse?  We aingt even Betty Boop!
[:np :ra245]
They move off, searching for Lanstrom.  KRYTEN finds a dust-covered metal suitcase.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Extraordinary!
[:np :ra245]
He opens it up.  The interior is filled with a row of test-tubes.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Incredible!
[:np :ra245]
He lifts one of the tubes out of the suitcase and puts it in a satchel he's carrying.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hey, look at this!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER and CAT are examining a row of 2 meter high metal cylinders set against a wall.  KRYTEN joins them.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Anesthesis stasis pods!
[:np :ra245]
He fiddles with a near-by control panel.  One of the pods slides out from the wall and begins to open.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I must have triggered something.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Doctor?  Doctor Lanstrom?
[:np :ra245]
The open pod pours forth smoke, but they can't see anything inside yet.
[:nb :ra280 :dv hs 130 hr 100 sr 100 pr 50]
And whom might you be?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Hi. We were just passing.  We heard the beacon.
[:nb :ra280 :dv hs 130 hr 100 sr 100 pr 50]
Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say?  Life without pain has no meaning.  Gentlemen I wish to give your lives meaning.
[:np :ra245]
Lanstrom sits up in the stasis pod.  A howl emanates from her.  Her eyes glow a fluorescent red colour and electrical bolts emerge from them aimed at LISTER, KRYTEN, and CAT.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why can't we ever meet anyone nice?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Why don't we ever meet anyone who can shoot straight?
[_<800>]
[:np :ra245]
Starbug is still sitting in the snow.  RIMMER is talking to HOLLY.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
I'm telling you, Kryten is taking over, slowly but surely.  Remember how he used to be in the early days?  A gibbering wreck, completely un-assertive, no self confidence, plagued by guilt, and convinced he was fourth rate.  I really liked him then.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
Escape pod checked and standing by.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Well, check it again.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
I've done three complete checks, it's ready to launch.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Right, I'm going.
[:np :ra245]
He exits through the door to the escape pod and then pops right back in.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
What really gets me, is the way he thinks he can order me about.  Well, he who lives by the rule book, dies by the rule book.
[:np :ra245]
The radio crackles into life.  It's LISTER, and he sounds scared.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
If you can hear us, it's me!  Listen now, Lanstrom's got some holo-virus.  She's totally barking!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Listy?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We need backup, man, we need it bad and we need it now!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Everything OK?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What, can't you hear me?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
I'm sorry, Lister, you're very faint.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Doctor Lanstrom has contracted some sort of mutated holo-plague and is in a fearful psychopathic fury.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Marvellous!  I'm sure she'll be a valuable asset to the team.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, I'm going to change frequency.  Can you hear me now?
[:np :ra245]
A bolt of Hex-Lightning hits the radio.  LISTER and KRYTEN run, dropping the now red-hot radio as they go.  Lanstrom picks it up telekinetically and talks into it, hands free.
[:nb :ra280 :dv hs 130 hr 100 sr 100 pr 50]
Hello.  My name is Doctor Hildegard Lanstrom and I am quite, quite mad.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Are you really?  How absolutely splendid.
[:nb :ra280 :dv hs 130 hr 100 sr 100 pr 50]
I have a riddle for you.  What's dead and dead and dead all over?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
I give in, Doctor Fruit-Loop, do tell me.
[:nb :ra280 :dv hs 130 hr 100 sr 100 pr 50]
You!
[:np :ra245]
The radio blows up.  A bolt of lightning passes from the explosion to RIMMER.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Well we know what to get you for Christmas:  a double lobotomy and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper.  Holly, I really must be making tracks.  Keep me up to date as to any further developments, will you?
[:np :ra245]
The escape pod is seen returning to Red Dwarf.
[_<800>]
Meanwhile, in that spooky complex, our intrepid trio are sneaking about trying to avoid Lanstrom.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Where is she?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
It appears she's toying with us, sir.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What kind of disease is it that gives her Hex Vision?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Clearly some kind of psi-virus, sir.  It appears to stimulate the dormant psychic areas of the brain which, up till now, human-kind has been unable to harness.
[:np :ra245]
A pair of eyes, Lanstrom's eyes, appear, overlaid on the screen while KRYTEN is talking.  She is using telepathy to locate them.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Unfortunately it requires so much energy it drains the victim's life-force.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's why she was in the Stasis Pod?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Precisely.  Lanstrom was preserving what little lifespan remains of her.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, if she is running out of time, maybe we could just give her the run-around?
[:np :ra245]
Lanstrom can now be seen moving stealthily through some pipes in the background.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Theoretically a sound notion, sir.  Unfortunately
[:nb :ra280 :dv hs 130 hr 100 sr 100 pr 50]
Unfortunately, she has already found you.  Twinkle twinkle little eye, now it's time for you to die.
[:np :ra245]
Her Hex Vision comes on.  Abruptly, she runs out of energy and disappears with a loud scream.  She has finally been destroyed by the virus.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Poor woman.  Destroyed by her own genius.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Genius?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Oh, yes.  From what little I've seen of her research here, before the holo-virus she had a quite remarkable mind.  If I'm right, the fruits of her work should live on.
[:np :ra245]
He indicates the satchel he's carrying.
[_<800>]
On the way back to Red Dwarf, KRYTEN and CAT are peering in a microscope when LISTER comes in from the cockpit.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Anything?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Quite extraordinary.  Lanstrom postulated that there are two kinds of virus.  Positive and negative.  The negative we already know about.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, like the flu, rabies, that kind of stuff.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
But she also believed that there are positive viral strains which actually make human beings feel better.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Such as?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well, at a very basic level she predicted a kind of "reverse flu, a strain of virus which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-being and happiness.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
That's happened to me!  Me life's been turned to complete and utter crud, and I've woken up in the morning feeling good for no apparent reason!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
The chances are, sir, that on those occasions you had unwittingly contracted Lanstrom's virus.  According to her notes, twentieth-century DJs suffered from it all the time.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
So what's in the tubes?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Lanstrom claims to have isolated several strains of positive virus:  inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Sexual magnetism is a virus?  Then get me to a hospital, I'm a terminal case!
[:np :ra245]
While CAT and KRYTEN aren't looking, LISTER puts that tube in an inside pocket.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
This one is the most intriguing of all.  According to her notes, this is the viral strain Felicitus Populi, commonly known as "luck."
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Luck is a virus?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
A positive virus which most humans contract at some point in their lives for very short periods.  And here it is:  Lady Luck in liquid form.  Want to try some?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Is it safe?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Absolutely harmless.  Even so, this is a minute dose and will only last about three minutes.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER shrugs, then holds his dreadlocks and collar out of the way as KRYTEN injects him.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Now, I want you to pick out all the aces from this pack of cards.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Shuffle them?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER shuffles the deck, then picks all the aces.  As he does so, KRYTEN calls out the odds against his just-completed act.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
13 to 1.  221 to 1.  5525 to 1.  270725 to 1!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN, inspired, decides on a yet more challenging experiment.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, I want you to throw this dart over here into that bulls eye behind you using your left hand, without looking.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What, using my left hand?  Into the Bulls eye?  Without looking?  No chance.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Trust me, sir.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER, still shaking his head, takes up throwing position.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
You ready?
[:np :ra245]
LISTER throws the dart.  There is a dull thunk.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Ahh.  I think that indicates the luck virus has worn off.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN turns round and we see the dart is embedded into the back of his head.
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
When you're quite finished, chaps, we've got a bit of a problem with the cargo bay doors.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What sort of problem?
[:nu :ra240 :dv ap 130 as 0 bf 10 hr 100 la 30 sm 50 sr 20]
They won't open.  Rimmer's put in an override.
[:np :ra245]
HOLLY's face disappears from the screen, to be replaced by that of RIMMER.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Welcome home gentlemen!  If you would like to proceed to the aft, you'll find the landing lights on in bay 47.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Bay 47?  That's quarantine!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Spot on.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
But sir, I've screened us all:  we're clean.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Well, much as I trust a viral screening conducted by an automated toilet attendant, I really must draw your attention to Space Corps directive 595.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
For crying out loud!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
I have no intention of contracting the hologrammatic equivalent of foaming dog fever.  So gentlemen, if you'd all like to proceed to Quarantine Room 152 where you will be spending the next three months.
[:np :ra245]
Starbug lands in bay 47.
[_<800>]
Quarantine Room 152.  KRYTEN, LISTER and CAT enter, looking positively disgusted.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Twelve weeks.  I have a deep, dark sense of foreboding about this.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Aw c'mon, we'll get through it.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
This is single quarters!  One chair, one bed, one shower.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We'll manage!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It is?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Yes!  The most popular pastimes have always been ones that males can enjoy alone:  angling, golf, and of course the all time number one.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
It's not just humans!  Look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together!  One of them winds up on the other guy's toothpick!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats, even vultures when they're in captivity.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What are you saying to me?  Vultures need personal space?  They need like time alone if they're to put their feet up and read "What Carcass Magazine?"
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, I think you're downplaying the gravity of the situation.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Look, what difference does it make?  We hang out most of the time together anyway.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
yeh, but we all knew we could stroll out the door at any time.  Not now, though.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER appears on the other side of the darkened observation window which takes up one whole wall of the quarantine room.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Welcome to quarantine, lads.  I hope the next 84 days pass as swiftly and as pleasantly as the 100-years war.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Sir, I must protest.  You only supplied us with single berth accommodation!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Space Corps directive 597 clearly states "One berth per registered crew member." And as Listy is the only registered crew member, 1 berth is all you get.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Don't rise to him.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
What about entertainment?  You are obliged to provide us with minimum leisure facilities.  Games, literature, hobby activities, motion pictures.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
And in accordance with Space Corps directive 312, you'll find in the storage cupboard over there a chess set with 31 missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, "Wall-papering, Painting, and Stipling, a DIY guide."
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Don't rise to him.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
And fulfilling all Space Corps dietary requirements, dinner tonight, gentlemen, will consist of sprout soup, followed by sprout salad, and for desert, I think you'll like it, rather unusual, sprout crumble.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer, you know damn well sprouts make me chuck.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Well, this is awful.  I've got you down for sprouts almost every meal.  I tell a lie.  It is every meal.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How long are you going to keep this up for, Rimmer?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Keep what up?  I'm merely executing Space Corps Directive 595!  Anyway, must dash-erooni.  I've got to organise your daily provision of musical entertainment.  I think you're going to like it:  It's a perpetually-looped tape of "Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats."
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
OK!  Time to rise to him.  Let me out of here!  I'll kill him!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN and LISTER restrain him as RIMMER vanishes.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Listen, guys, he wants us to get on each other's nerves, go through twelve weeks of hell.  Well, we're not gonna give him the satisfaction, OK?  Cos the entire time we're here, we're not gonna have one single argument, not a raised voice or a cross word.  Not one angry exchange.  OK?
[:np :ra245]
They each nod in agreement.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Boys from the Dwarf.
[:np :ra245]
They do that "hanging loose" thing with their hands.
[_<800>]
LISTER has his back turned to the camera, filling out a time chart.  As he turns, we see that he has a black eye.  He glares at CAT, who is sitting disconsolately on the edge of the room's single bunk.  CAT has a plaster across his nose plaster cast and sling on one arm.  KRYTEN enters through a door marked "SHOWER DE-CON." He is feeling the shape of his head.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Urg.  I think that's straight now.  Two hours it's taken me to panel-beat my head back into shape.
[:np :ra245]
Leans close to CAT, who ignores him.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Two damn hours!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Guys!  Just take it easy!
[:np :ra245]
He is sitting down at the table which is covered in half-finished crocheted hats.  LISTER picks one up and tries it on.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
If he tells me to "take it easy" one more time, I swear I'm gonna turn his ears into a pair of maraccas and tap-dance a fandango on his throat!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
I'm just saying, there's 79 more days to go.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
And if you still want to be alive when there is only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Do you mind if I ask why?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound, and go straight to the really gross part, when you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have to open up your handkerchief and take a look at the contents.  I mean, why?  What do you expect to see in there?  A Turner seascape, perhaps?  The face of the Madonna?  An undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer was right about you, you have changed.
[:np :ra245]
Stands up and walks over to KRYTEN.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
You're getting tetchy.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Oh no, now don't call me "tetchy." You know what happens when you call me "tetchy."
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well I'm calling you it now.  That's exactly what I'm calling you.  Tetchy!  Tetchy!  Tetchy!
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN has covered both ears with his hands during this spiel.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Just as well I can't hear you.  It's just as well I can't hear you calling me "tetchy." You know what happens when you call me "tetchy."
[:np :ra245]
LISTER grabs the marker and writes "TETCHY" in large letters across the time chart.  He then lifts the 4' by 3' board off the wall and shows it to KRYTEN.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Oh no.  Oh now, didn't I tell you?  Didn't I warn you what would happen?
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN picks up one of the videos.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Yes.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I'm putting it on.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Don't put it on.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I'm putting it on.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
He's putting it on.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Here I go.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
There he goes!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, if you put that on, I'm not gonna help you out.  I'm not helping you again, not this time.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
You think I need your help?  You think I can't extract my own head from the waste disposal unit?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
It won't be the waste disposal, Frankenstein.  This time I'm gonna unscrew your neck-bolts and microwave your head!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster.  It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Don't correct me.  You know how much I hate being corrected.  It really gets my feckles up!
[:np :ra245]
He crosses to KRYTEN and stands nose-to-nose with him.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
It's "hackles," you moron.  It really get's your hackles up.  There's no such word as "feckles!"
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Feckles, heckles, hackles, schmeckles.  Whatever the hell they are, they're up right now and pointed at you, buddy!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
yeh?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
yeh!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Guys, guys!  Look at us, what's happened to us?  Five days on a sprout diet with a wall-papering video and a crochet magazine.  We've all turned into crazies!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Just don't call me "tetchy" and don't blow your nose.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
And don't play that video and don't correct me.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
OK.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
OK.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK.  We're going to get through this.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
And don't say that
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
we're going to get through this!!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
That stupid, chirpy optimism; that inane winsome grin.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
This is insane!  We've been in here 5 days.  There's no sign of any virus.  We're clean!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
That's it, 5 days!  We've got him!  Space Corps Directive 699, we can demand a rescreening!
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
He'll refuse.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
He can't!  He's playing by the book!  We've nailed him!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Gentlemen.  Your conversation makes interesting listening.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
RIMMER, is that you?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Oh, yes.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How long have you been listening?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Two, maybe three hours.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well, no one's got any disease, man.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
We're clean.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
You have to re-screen us, sir, as per Directive 699.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
No one's got any virus and no one's smegging nuts!
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Well, that's good.
[:np :ra245]
The observation window depolarises, revealing RIMMER.  He is NOT in uniform.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Is something amiss?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Amiss?  God no, what could possibly be amiss?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
You don't think there's anything amiss?  I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
No, of course not.  It's just that we thought you had gone nuts!  We were trying to humour you.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
I was just doing a little test, a little test to see if you had gone crazy.
[:np :ra245]
He abruptly tenses and lets out a horrible yell.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Chao! If there is one thing I can't stand it's crazy people.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Well we've passed the test, Rimmer.  You can let us out.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
I can't let you out.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Why not?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Because the King of the Potato People won't let me.  I begged him.  I got down on my knees and wept.  He wants to keep you here.  Keep you here for ten years.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Could we see him?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
See who?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
The King.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
Do you have a magic carpet?
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
yeh, a little three-seater.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
So, let me get this straight.  You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?! I think that warrants 2 hours of W O O.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's W O O?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
You had to ask.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
With out oxygen.  No oxygen for 2 hours.  That will teach you to be bread baskets.
[:np :ra245]
He disappears.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What do we do?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
I think our only hope's the Potato King.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How the hell did he get the holo-virus?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
It can be transmitted over radio waves.  He must have spoken to Lanstrom at some point.  I predict we have approximately seven minutes before the air in here becomes unbreathable.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Well, we gotta get out of here somehow!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
It's impossible.  That's the whole point of Quarantine.  Nothing gets out, nothing gets in.  Not even a microbe.  Kryten, any chance of you cracking the code on the door lock?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
The chances of punching in the correct combination are literally billions [_<300>] to one!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Unless
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Of course!
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
The luck virus!
[:np :ra245]
They cross to the bench and KRYTEN picks up the hypo-gun, still loaded with the cannister of Felicitus Populi.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Hey, you really think that stuff can get us out of here?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
If I give MisterLister a suitably large dose, he will temporarily become the luckiest human being who ever lived.
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN presses the injector to LISTER's neck.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK, then, what do I do?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well, you just press in whatever numbers you think are best.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
OK.
[:np :ra245]
He hits several keys on the door combination keypad.  He stands back.  The door doesn't open.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Last digit, sir.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER presses one last button.  The door opens.  He grins at the others and they exit, LISTER doing that "Boys from the Dwarf" thingy again.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
So, what now?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
We head for the hologram projection suite, before Mister Rimmer
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
"Before Mister Rimmer" what?
[:np :ra245]
They turn and face him.  RIMMER is still wearing the gingham dress.  Abruptly, he raises his right hand.  He is wearing a glove puppet, a cute furry penguin.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
They've been naughty boys, haven't they, MisterFlibble?
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER looks at the penguin and supplies the voice, doing a rather bad ventriloquist routine.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
[:dv ap 200]
Yes.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, MisterFlibble?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
[:dv ap 290]
Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his Hex Vision.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
That's right, MisterFlibble.
[:np :ra245]
As RIMMER's eyes glow bright red, the others, who know by now exactly what's coming, run for their lives.  They are pursued by several hex-bolts, which barely miss them and cause several explosions along the corridor walls.
[_<800>]
A cargo Room.  The fleeing group runs around a corner.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
This way!
[:np :ra245]
Finding some drums and junk, then decide to duck down and hide.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
The holo-virus is in it's secondary stage.  Mister Rimmer can't have long to live.
[:np :ra245]
As KRYTEN speaks, RIMMER's telepathic eyes appear overlaid on-screen.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What is he capable of?
[:np :ra245]
On the wall behind them is a glass-fronted fire cabinet containing a large axe.  The lock on the cabinet flips open.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Well, we've seen hex vision.  Almost certainly, like Lanstrom, he'll be capable of telepathy and possibly even telekinesis.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Tele-kiny-what-a-noose?
[:np :ra245]
The glass cover of the cabinet swings open.  The axe begins to twitch.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
The ability to move objects purely by the power of the mind.
[:np :ra245]
The axe flies from the cabinet, narrowly missing CAT and LISTER and slamming into KRYTEN's back.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Kryten, man, are you OK?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column.  That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER pulls the fire axe out of KRYTEN's spine, at which point it is yanked from his hands and thrown across the room.  KRYTEN starts twitching, and is pulled to a nearby pillar, talking nonsense as he goes.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Hihi-hidi-hidi-whurdidjid.  Two and one-half badgers, please!  Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi!  No, I'll eat them here.  Whap!  An-dingling!  Wha-hoo-hoo!  An-da-an-shoo-an-shoo.  Ah, that's better.  Maybe now I can WIN SELF-DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH MOLDAVIAN PEOPLE!  Nick-noo-nick-noo-nick-ank Ah, I think I'm OK now.
[:np :ra245]
The door dissolves in front of RIMMER and he steps through the hole.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
MisterFlibble's very cross.  You shouldn't have ran away from him.  What are we going to do with them, MisterFlibble?
[:np :ra245]
MisterFLIBBLE whispers something in RIMMER's ear.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
We can't possibly do that!  Who would clear up the mess?
[:np :ra245]
MisterFLIBBLE gets the Hex Vision.  Our three, bold heroes run for it.
[_<800>]
They are backing slowly down a corridor, watching out for RIMMER.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
We need to use your luck, sir.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
How?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
What we really need is some kind of remote link to the hologram disk projection system.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What, like this one?
[:np :ra245]
He picks up a box with "remote projection" written on the side.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
What a stroke of luck!
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Now what we need is a hexangonal power transfer adapter capable of holding spikes of up to 5 million volts.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
What's this?
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
Extraordinary.  Now all we need is a B47/7RF resistor.
[:np :ra245]
LISTER holds one up between his fingers.
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Look out!
[:np :ra245]
MisterFLIBBLE pokes round the corner at about head height.  He is followed by RIMMER.
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
MisterFlibble says
[:dv ap 250]
Game over, boys.
[:np :ra245]
RIMMER and MisterFLIBBLE start to use their "Hex Vision" but KRYTEN manages to switch on the just-completed remote hologram unit before RIMMER can fire, he falls to the ground.  MisterFLIBBLE twitches spasmodically for several seconds then keels over, dead.  RIMMER's uniform reappears and MisterFLIBBLE vanishes.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
I think he's going to be OK, sir.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
He's gonna be OK?
[:np :ra245]
KRYTEN nods.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
The luck virus must have worn off.
[_<800>]
Quarantine.  RIMMER wakes up on a hospital bed.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
Rimmer?  You OK?
[:nf :ra220 :dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95]
What happened to me?  Where am I?
[:np :ra250 :dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0]
Quarantine!
[:np :ra245]
The observation window depolarises, revealing CAT, LISTER, and KRYTEN dressed in red and white checked gingham dresses, matching bonnets, pigtails and army boots.
[:nh :ra240 :dv ap 60 hr 30 qu 100 sr 0]
But don't worry.
[:nf :ra240 :dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
We're here to entertain you!
[:np :ra245]
LISTER squawks like a chicken and flaps his arms as KRYTEN does a jig and CAT pulls a face.
[_<800>]
The End.