[:phone on] [:np] [:ra 245] Red Dwarf, season 5, episode 5. [_<400>] Demons and Angels. [_<800>] in Red Dwarf's science lab. Lister uses forceps to remove a strawberry from a miniature stasis field. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Amazing! The last strawberry in the universe. [:np] [:ra 245] He puts it on the middle pad of the three on the unusual apparatus on the bench. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Calibrator, locked and set. Organic infrastructure, recorded and stored. Engage the triplicator. [:np] [:ra 245] A white light engulfs the strawberry. Simultaneously, the two other pads are illuminated; and a strawberry appears on each one. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It works! [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer has just entered [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What works? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We've adapted the matter paddle. Only now the returning signal is split three ways, so as well as receiving the original object we also get two identical copies. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This is gonna solve all our supply problems. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Taking into account the computations for recalibration I think we can produce four, perhaps even five strawberries a week! [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer is less than impressed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, I don't know if the Nobel Prize people run a fruit section, but if they do you've got to be this year's hot tip. Gentlemen, history beckons! You'll be famous. They'll build your statues. They'll even name towns after you. Dorksville springs instantly to mind. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This machine could revolutionise our lives! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Absolutely. With this little baby running at full pelt, I confidently predict we could have a full fruit salad by the end of the year. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, it's not just strawberries! This machine could duplicate anything. [:np] [:ra 245] He picks up one of the copies and takes a bite. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It can [_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] He suddenly stops, surprised and delighted [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, what's wrong? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Strawberry's incredible! So succulent! It's divine! [:np] [:ra 245] He tries the other duplicate [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is that the same? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, no, no. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How's it different? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bitter. Rancid. [:np] [:ra 245] He puts the strawberry down and maggots wriggle out of it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir [_<300>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kind of tangy. Crunchy. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, [_<300>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tangy. Kind of chewy. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Meaty even. Funny kind of wriggly texture, [_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] He stops, looks down at the strawberry and notices the maggots [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh smeg. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's as if the triplicator has extracted all the very best elements out of one duplicate and all the very worst out of the other. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So what would happen if we reversed the process? [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten presses some buttons. [_<400>] The science lab explodes. There is Chaos; sparks erupt from various keyboards, smaller sub-explosions occur, Lister runs around the room, typing on any convenient keyboards. It grows slightly less frenetic in a fury of fizzling [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Nice experiment, guys. What do you do for an encore? Neutron bomb juggling? [:np] [:ra 245] The alert sirens begin their usual racket in the background. Holly appears on viewscreen [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is NOT a daffodil! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well thankfully Holly's unaffected. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The engine core is approaching critical mass! We'll have meltdown in less than fifteen minutes! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Er, I think a brisk stroll in the direction of the cargo bay could be an outstanding career move at this point. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you saying? Red Dwarf's gonna blow? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] In less time than it takes a Norwegian to buy ski-boots! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat enters [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey guys, I think they're playing our tune, the Ahwooga Waltz! Anyone care to join me in the quickstep? [:np] [:ra 245] They all bustle out of the lab. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug lifts off, powering towards the closed cargo bay door. Sparks fly. inside, [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly, open cargo bay doors. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Er, Holly, those cargo bay doors we talked about earlier. Would you mind opening them, please? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] HOLLY! THE DOORS, HOLLY! [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] The phrase "cargo bay doors" does not appear to be in my lexicon. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] MANUAL OVERRIDE! [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] The phrase "manual override, [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, forget it! [:np] [:ra 245] The crew brace themselves and With an explosion of cargo bay doors, Starbug makes its exit. Gradually they regain control of the bug and it flies away. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's eighty klicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You really think it's gonna blow? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] This can't be happening. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nothing's gonna happen. We're just doing it as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowing are about one in, [:np] [:ra 245] Red dwarf explodes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] One. [_<1200>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, according to the charts the nearest asteroid with an S3 atmosphere is six hours away. The trouble is, we only have enough fuel for five hours' flight. I don't think that's going to prove to be a major problem, though, because we only have enough oxygen for seven minutes. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer turns away from lister and cat and speaks in an aside to Kryten. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well that doesn't really affect Us, does it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] (Sorry, Sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We don't need oxygen. Now here's a thought. If we ejected their corpses into outer space, would the weight reduction allow us to reach the asteroid? [:np] [:ra 245] He turns back to face the Cat and Lister. and gives them a big smile. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on Rimmer, that's not the attitude! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sorry? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's not the Red Dwarf way! One in trouble, all in trouble! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The posse! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The Boyz from the Dwarf! [:np] [:ra 245] He and Kryten do the "Boyz from the Dwarf" hands dangle [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] If one of us is in a fix, the home boys band together! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's the way it is! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Have you got anything in writing? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're a toad, Rimmer. You're a weasel. You're a slimy, river-dwelling rodent with the morals of a praying mantis. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm just being a realist. Look, YOU only have seven minutes left to live. That's tragic. GOD, it's tragic. [:np] [:ra 245] His face is completely devoid of the intense grief and mortification he must be feeling. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But for the rest of us, life must go on. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] If I may interject Sir, in your case that's not exactly true. Remember, you ARE operating on emergency battery supplies; we have no spares. In fact, you yourself, Sir, will expire in a little under FOUR minutes. [_<700>] [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER Performs an exaggerated "Boyz from the Dwarf" hands dangle [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Okay, home boys, let's POSSE! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Right. Kryten, get a radarscope, scan the wreckage. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Straight away, Sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat, get suited up. Maybe some oxygen tanks have survived; maybe some fuel tanks. Maybe we can get a fix and get out there, and bring them on board. Meanwhile, turn Rimmer down to minimum power. That way it'll triple his running time. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer is about to say something, but is interrupted by a cry from kryten. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sirs, there's something out there! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Two objects, far too vast to be debris! According to the backlog, they materialised just before the explosion. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Can we get in any closer? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Enhance maximum. [:np] [:ra 245] The viewscope gives successively better views. There are two large red spacecraft out there, both labelled Red Dwarf. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Of course! The triplicator has made two copies of Red Dwarf! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, presumably when I threw the triplicator into reverse, it didn't reverse the PROCESS, it reversed the FIELD of the beam, projecting it OUT, not IN. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So, instead of copying the strawberries, it copied the entire ship? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Precisely. And presumably the resultant power drain exposed the engine's core and caused the original to blow. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So, like the strawberries, there are two new Red Dwarves; one, succulent and divine; the other, [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fish bait. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So what's the problem? We got us a SHIP! And from what you're saying, it should be better than the original! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not quite. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] In the lab, the triplicated copies had a limited lifespan. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How long? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] About an hour. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, there may be a solution. The contents of the ship should be triplicated too. So there will be a working triplicator on board whichever of the ships is the superior. You see, theoretically, we should be able to reverse the reversal and replicate the original Red Dwarf by amalgamating the two copies. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He makes it sound so simple! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] starbug and approaches one of the dwarvs. It sets down in the cargo bay. in Starbug's rear, Lister and Cat prepare to leave. Kryten carries a long extension cord. Rimmer is fading in and out [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We have to find a terminal to re-boost Mister Rimmer's battery pack. We'll catch you up. [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] Cat and Lister enter a corridor; a long, white, gleamingly clean corridor. Geometric patterns adorn the walls and ceiling. Heavenly music is playing. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] (Check the music! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's magnificent! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I never heard anything like it before. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Get a lungful of that air, man! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] [m<200,222> m<400,111>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Everything about this ship is, well, it's divine! [:np] [:ra 245] They approach a vending machine. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey, let's check the food! [:np] [:ra 245] He presses some buttons and the machine dispenses a cup. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What did you order? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The ultimate test. Pot Noodle. [:np] [:ra 245] They both try it and both close their eyes and sigh in ecstasy [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins; but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle. [:np] [:ra 245] They taste another spoonful, but are interrupted by [:tone<300,50>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Brothers, we bid you welcome. [:np] [:ra 245] the arrival of the High Cat and the High Lister. They look much like their "normal" counterparts, but are wearing long white robes. On their foreheads are geometric symbols of some metallic material. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There must be much you do not understand. Come. [:np] [:ra 245] They turn and go. Cat and Lister follow. cat to his high self. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You're me, but you're not me! [:tone<300,50>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I am part of you. Your higher self. Your spiritual side. I exist in you as potential, but now I'm here, extrapolated from your being. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Extrapo-what-alated? Buddy, there is no way you're a part of me. No part of me would ever be seen alive in sandals! [:tone<300,50>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfilment. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's weird, because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfilment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes! [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let us join our friends in the meditation chamber. Perhaps then we can spend a profitable evening seeking out answers to the metaphysical phenomena which have plagued mankind since time began. [:np] [:ra 245] lister seems eager. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Sounds wild! [:np] [:ra 245] cat doesn't. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hold me back. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The Meditation Chamber. It looks much like the Science Lab on the original Red Dwarf, but cleaner, with less obtrusive equipment and nicer decor. Kryten sits behind a bench, adjusting a piece of apparatus. Rimmer listens to the High Kryten and High Rimmer. The High Kryten is gleaming bright, and wears white robes; the High Rimmer also wears white robes, and the H on his forehead appears to be made out of highly- polished chromium. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Philosophy, poetry, music and study. That is how we spend our time. Trying to expand our minds and unlock our full potential in the service of humankind. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What a pair of losers! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Cat enter, Lister still holding his divine Pot Noodle [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, more visitors! Come, soul-sibling, let us prepare some refreshments. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] May your path lead to wisdom, and in wisdom, know ye peace. [:np] [:ra 245] They bow and leave. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] These guys are supposed to be us? I don't buy it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] These are our higher selves. They are the people we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You mean hippies. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] With respect, Sir, you think ['jhiyzuhs] was a hippy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, he was. He had long hair; he didn't have a job. What more do you want? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is getting stuck into his Pot Noodle. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How come they're so much smarter than we are? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] This is my guess; your mind records everything; everything you see, hear; every word you read, every conversation; it's all stored in your subconscious. Somehow our higher selves have access to that knowledge. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Look, I'm getting itchy feet here. You got the gizmo, let's scram before the Mad Monk Brothers rope us into an evening of philosophical musings and self-flagellation. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's not quite that simple. This triplicator has only half the vital components. We need the second triplicator from the Low ship. [:np] [:ra 245] A triangle sounds. The High Kryten and High Lister appear in the doorway; the Kryten with the triangle, the Lister with a futuristic lyre. They bow to each other, then to their audience. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Let the entertainment begin. There will be ['hx`ayk`uw] readings, poetry recitals, and musings on the inner soul. But first, music and dance. [:np] [:ra 245] He tings the triangle. The High Rimmer enters, ham-acting pain. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Brother Rimmer is portraying Agony. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The Agony of the soul that searches out the Truth. The Truth danced by Brother Cat. [:np] [:ra 245] The High Cat appears in the doorway. He approaches the High Rimmer, who is now on his knees, and juggles three silk handkerchiefs over the Rimmer's head. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But the Truth is elusive. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It flits like a firefly through the cold night of the soul. Teasing, confusing. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And Agony, in torment, searches forever in vain. [:np] [:ra 245] This is exactly what the High Rimmer is overacting in his dance; he "seeks" the High Cat, with his back to him, as the High Cat prances just out of his reach. Their audience doesn't seem to know quite how to take the performance. A musical tone sounds, and the High Holly appears on a wall monitor. She looks like the normal Holly, but wears a nun's habit and wimple. [:tone<300,50>] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Brothers, I am compelled to intrude. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What is it, sister? [:tone<300,50>] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] I am receiving a weak but plaintive distress call from a ship which appears to be identical to our own. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Then we must help them. With haste, brothers. [:np] [:ra 245] The High Lister and High Kryten ['baw] to the others and leave. Kryten packs the triplicator as they follow. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Everyone piles aboard starbug and it takes off, heading for the low dwarf. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Approach pattern plotted. We're gonna just take her in nice and easy. [_<400>] [:np] [:ra 245] starbug lands and the door opens. The lights in this Red Dwarf fluctuate and die. The two crews leave Starbug. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, keep ['axm] peeled, guys. [:np] [:ra 245] All eight characters move into the dingy, dirty corridors. Packing crates litter the cargo bay, and the only light comes from the occasional lantern. A junction of two corridors between the packing crates. Lister goes first; then the High Cat; Rimmer leaps into the junction with a karate-style jump, hurting his foot; and the High Kryten brings up the rear. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Welcome, brothers! We bring food and medical supplies! [:np] [:ra 245] A shot rings out. It hits him on the left shoulder [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Poor devil, his gun must have gone off accidentally. Welcome, my children. We bring you balms and tinctures. [:np] [:ra 245] Two more shots hit him on the right shoulder and the left of his abdomen, respectively. Rimmer, safe behind the crates, ducks. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We would be pleased to sing you healing hymns. [:np] [:ra 245] Two more shots and the High Kryten falls. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is he dead? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We can only hope. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister, keeping low, enters the corridor and drags the High Kryten to safety behind some crates. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The poor wretch. He has a faulty gun. He has accidentally shot me five times. Oh, how I love him! [:np] [:ra 245] The High Cat, with no precautions, enters the corridor and addresses the unseen gunman. [:tone<300,50>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Brother, there is a grievous fault with thy weapon. It keepeth shooting people. [:np] [:ra 245] A bullet hits him in the right side of the chest. The High Cat points to the ['wuwnd] [:tone<300,50>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You see? There it goes again! [:np] [:ra 245] A grenade rolls toward him. There doesn't seem to be a pin in it. In fact, it is fizzing rather nastily. [:tone<300,50>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is this? [:np] [:ra 245] The High Kryten walks up to it, and picks it up. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a greeting gift! Sparkling, welcome orb. Come, let us embrace its splendid beauty and share in its vibrations. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister and Rimmer see the grenade and run. [:tone<300,50>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's exquisite, divine. What does it say to you, brother? [:np] [:ra 245] aparrently, it says boom. [_<400>] The blast flings Lister into a crate, knocking him unconscious. Rimmer finds a convenient crate and hides behind it. [_<800>] Lister awakens to face the wrong end of a bazookoid. The RIGHT end of the bazookoid is held by a man wearing a full cowboy outfit; heavy, spurred boots, black hat, an Eastwood-style cigar stub, a dark beard and a patch over his left eye. It's the Low Lister. He spits in Lister's face and giggles annoyingly, revealing silver eye-teeth. He fires, but Lister manages to roll to avoid the shot. He fires again, still giggling, but Lister again rolls out of the line of fire, gets to his feet, and flees. Lister runs down a ladder and along the corridor. Down the cross-corridor is a figure leaning over two bodies. it's the Low Cat, eating the remains of the High Cat and the High Kryten. He sees Lister and grins, blood smeared over his face. His fangs reach the base of his chin and his eyebrows are locked in a perpetual frown. Lister runs on. A maze later, he slows and leans back against a crate to catch his breath. With a crash, two hands break out through the crate walls and begin throttling him. He breaks free, flinging himself headfirst into a nearby drum; he gets up rapidly and flees. The owner of the hands, the Low Kryten, a twitching, oil-stained version of the mechanoid, breaks the rest of the crate to shards. Lister hides behind a crate. Two cowboy boots track him. Silence [_<300>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer? [_<400>] Rimmer! [_<500>] ['rih<400>mrr<500>!] [:np] [:ra 245] The boots stop, then change direction and close in on him. [:np] [:ra 245] lister is urgent now, checking behind nearby crates for rimmer. [:np] [:ra 245] Behind him, a figure struts down the ladder and asks: [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Looking for someone? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister turns to face the figure on the ladder. It wears stockings (with garters), a studded leather collar, an ornate earring in its right ear with a chain leading to a sleeper in its right nostril, and a fur stole. It is barely recognisable as the Low Rimmer, his forehead H at a forty-five degree angle as though having fallen between his eyebrows. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holy smeg! [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Hello, my pretty. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What do you want with me? [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I want to hurt you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why? [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Because I'm not a very nice person. [:np] [:ra 245] The Low Rimmer produces an iridescent blue whip-like object, and lashes Lister with it. Lister clutches at his head where the lash struck him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A hollo-whip? [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life. And then I'm going to have you. [:np] [:ra 245] Again, he lashes Lister, who collapses. With several hollow, demonic laughs, the four Lows surround Lister; Lister passes out. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] Another corridor on the Low Red Dwarf) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sirs, we're running short of time. We have less than twenty minutes to find the second triplicator and set it up. I suggest we divide our efforts. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] A sage suggestion, brother. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Perhaps I should go with Brother Cat? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You haven't got a weapon! [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We have no need of weapons, feline brother. We wear protective herbs. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm going with Bot-Brain. [:np] [:ra 245] He goes off with Kryten. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] As you wish, brother. [:np] [:ra 245] the high rimmer indicates that the High Lister is to go first. He does so, with a slight nod. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Thank you, friend. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The bridge. Lister is strapped to a large table and the four Lows surround him. The Low Holly appears on the viewscreen. Her hair is jet-black, and she resembles a biker's moll. [:tone<200,100>] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] It is ready. [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Put it in his spine. [:np] [:ra 245] He holds up a small, multi-pointed object, which the Low Kryten takes and inserts into the base of Lister's neck. [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wake up! You don't want to miss the pain! Can you feel the needles as they burrow into your spine? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You guys are two letters short of an allotment. What are you after? [:tone<200,100>] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] We want your vessel. [:tone<200,100>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Nothing works here, man. [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Everything is in decay. [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And here is how we're going to get it. [:np] [:ra 245] The Low Kryten walks around the table, undoing Lister's straps [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't move! [:tone<200,100>] [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Of course not! He hasn't turned you on yet. [:np] [:ra 245] to the low lister. [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Show him. [:np] [:ra 245] The Low Lister holds up a remote control and telescopes the aerial. At the touch of a button, Lister finds himself sitting up and turning to the left. The Low Lister presses another button and Lister's hands clap. [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He applauds our efforts! [:tone<200,100>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Maybe he'd like to go for a little walk. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Game over now, eh? Game over? [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I wonder what's in that supply cabinet? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is stood up, thanks to the remote control, and robotically walked over to the cabinet. His hand opens the door, and closes it hard on his nose. He groans with pain. The Lows all laugh. Lister is walked over to the kettle, and his hands pick it up. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh no [_<300>] ['now<800>!] [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I wonder if he'd like a drink to calm him down? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is sat down. He braces himself for the inevitable, but still mouths wordlessly when his hand pours boiling water over his crotch. [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Whoops! [:np] [:ra 245] The Low Cat takes the kettle and presses it to the side of his own face, generating sizzling sounds. The Lows cackle again. [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Perhaps he'd like something to eat. Yes? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is walked to a counter and dropped to his knees. He is thus brought face to face with a large frog in a glass case. His expression progresses from worried to panicked. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ugh! you guys have GOT to be yanking my chain. [:np] [:ra 245] His left hand removes the lid, and grabs the frog. [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] ['b`aan aapiht'iy!] [:np] [:ra 245] Lister's right hand holds his mouth open as his left shoves the live frog into it. He gags and screams, as best he can. The frog eventually goes down. [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Welcome to our team. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] NO WAY are you part of me. [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, yes he is. He's the little boy who used to pull the legs off insects. He's the little boy who, on a hot summer's day, held a magnifying glass to his best friend's neck and watched him burn. [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's the part of you who wants all your friends to fail. [:tone<200,100>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The part of you that loves to watch horror movies. [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The part of you that lusts after meaningless sex. [:tone<200,100>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's cruel! He's selfish! He thinks terrible things. [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's YOU. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah, but he, he kills. I'm not capable of that. [:tone<200,100>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We'll soon see about that. [:np] [:ra 245] The Low Kryten places a piece of adhesive tape over Lister's mouth. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] The Science Lab, or the equivalent on this ship. It's grimy, with junk scattered about and dirty clothes strewn around the room. Cat and Kryten enter, each toting a bazookoid. Cat fans his nose to try to force away the worst of the stench. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Phew! [:np] [:ra 245] Cat moves to the video player. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Nice movie collection. "Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monster. [_<300>] "Die Screaming with Sharp Things in your Head. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Gore movies. Weapons magazines. This place is a shrine to everything that's low and base. Everything that's designed to sicken the soul and shrivel the spirit. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten opens the fridge. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Urg; Toastie Toppers. Ugh; cinema hot dogs. Ogh! Sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten slams the fridge closed, with disgust. Cat holds up some ['siy'diyz.] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Look at this music! "Hammond Heaven! "Karaoke Crazy! "Peter Perfect Plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies! Let's get outta here! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, wait. here it is! [:np] [:ra 245] He sweeps aside the worst of the junk sitting on top of the box he wants. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Clearly, they have no idea as to its purpose. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How long do we have? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Barely eight minutes, sir. [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten takes the box and leaves; Cat picks up both their bazookoids and follows. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] A corridor elsewhere on the Low Red Dwarf. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Have I told you today how much I love thee, brother? How much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon your beauteous countenance? [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream, brother. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister appears at the end of the corridor. He is still gagged, and his right hand, behind him, holds a wicked looking knife. He approaches the High duo, and tries to speak, grunting through the gag. [_<600>] [:np] [:ra 245] The bridge. The Lows are clustered around the Low Lister, who sits before a visual display. The display shows what Lister can see. The Low Lister controls a joystick. [_<300>] [:np] [:ra 245] back to the controled lister and the two highs. Lister tries again to speak. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Mmmmmmgohahmmmmmmfgh! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister's right hand produces the knife. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] A knife! Are you hungry, brother? [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I have some poultices and a little curd for your refreshment. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister's eyes bulge; he helplessly watches his own hand slash downward with the knife, giving the High Lister two enormous gashes down the left shoulder. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Forgive me, brother. I appear to have stained thy knife- end with my blood. A thousand apologies. [:np] [:ra 245] The High Lister collapses. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Brother, permit me to furnish you with a fresh knife. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister's left hand reaches into the High Rimmer and squeezes his light- bee. The High Rimmer looks pained, and begins to fade. [:tone<300,50>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Farewell, brother, my brook is babbled. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister's left hand crushes the light-bee and the High Rimmer disappears. [_<500>] [:np] [:ra 245] The Bridge. The Lows are enjoying the show immensely. The Low Kryten headbutts the Low Cat. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] Near the cargo bay of the Low Red Dwarf. Kryten is fine-tuning the triplicator. The Cat, toting a bazookoid, enters, with Rimmer. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I found Goalpost-Head. No sign of Dormouse-Cheeks though. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, we were so worried. What happened? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We were ambushed by a platoon of Lows. I was leading a valiant rear guard action. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I found him shivering in a box. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It was a tactical ['maxn`uwvrr] to outfox the enemy. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] As was using his uniform as a temporary latrine. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, where is Mister Lister? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We got jumped and he ran off through the storage bay like a gazelle on sterroids. We'll just have to leave him. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Within four minutes this ship will no longer exist! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey, there he is! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister approaches from the other corridor. He is still wearing his gag, and his right hand is hidden behind him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What took you so long, buddy? [:np] [:ra 245] The Cat pulls off the tape over Lister's mouth. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look out! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister's right hand appears from behind him. It wields a fire axe. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm gonna kill [yxax!] [:np] [:ra 245] The axe is brought crashing forward and becomes stuck in the lintel of the door, cutting a cable and sending sparks flying. Lister's arms try to free the axe. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm a homicidal maniac! My body's being remote-controlled by the Lows. [:np] [:ra 245] The fire axe is freed, and Lister's body is walked up to Kryten. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, look out! [:np] [:ra 245] His hands bash Kryten on the forehead with the axe handle. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You gotta stop me! [:np] [:ra 245] The axe handle swats Kryten aside with a blow to the side of his neck. Lister's hands drop the fire axe and his body marches toward the Cat. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Shoot him! [:np] [:ra 245] Lister's hands start to throttle the Cat. The Cat tries, but fails, to remove Lister's hands from his throat [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] WHAT? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Blow his kneecaps off, it's the only way! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Give me a break, Rimmer! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's a homicidal maniac, put him down! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There must be some other way! You've got to incapacitate me somehow! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There, Kryten! Hit him over the head with that axe! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That'll kill me! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Not if he does it gently! Come on, he's killing the Cat! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ooh, what can I do? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Incapacitate me in a painless way! [:np] [:ra 245] With a hearty, meaty thwack, the Cat incapacitates him with his foot, in a way that doesn't seem particularly painless. Lister's eyes bulge, his mouth screams silently, and he releases the Cat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That was unnecessary! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Unnecessary? Look what you've done to my neckline. This stuff never springs back! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh my God, I think I'm going for the bazookoid! [:np] [:ra 245] Indeed he is. Kryten, wisely, hides behind a desk. The Cat hides behind the desk and Kryten. Rimmer, of course, hides behind the desk, Kryten AND the Cat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] DUCK! [:np] [:ra 245] They do. His shot passes over their heads. there's a click as the next shot passes into the chamber of the bazookoid. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] LEFT! [:np] [:ra 245] They duck left, just as his shot whizzes to their right. Once again, the bazookoid click-clacks, loading the next shot into its chamber. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] RIGHT! [:np] [:ra 245] They duck right, as the shot from the bazookoid passes through the space previously occupied by their heads. Lister's body struggles with the bazookoid. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm trying to reload! Someone get behind me! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten moves to the side, behind some pillars, and moves around to get behind Lister. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm going to come around behind you now, Sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, Kryten, take me by surprise! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm coming around behind you to take you by surprise, Sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Get on with it, surprise me! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten is now behind Lister. He sprays three squirts from a spraygun onto a rag in his left hand. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You may get an unpleasant sensation of chloroform. Don't be alarmed. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister has reloaded and is aiming at the Cat. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Surprise me now! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Here comes my surprise, Sir. [:np] [:ra 245] He chloroforms Lister. Lister struggles, then falls unconscious. The Cat and Rimmer peep up from behind the desk; then, when Rimmer is satisfied that Lister is out cold, he stands fully, dusting his hands with an "It's all under control now" look. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Okay. How long before the triplicator activates? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Less than two minutes. [:np] [:ra 245] They exit, toward the cargo bay. [_<1000>] [:np] [:ra 245] in the rear of starbug, Kryten and the Cat lay out Lister's unconscious body. They race toward the cockpit. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hurry! [:np] [:ra 245] They press keys, and Starbug makes whiny "I'm not going to start" noises. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Damn! A flat battery! Who left the lights on? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No, it's the magnetic coils. They've depolarised. It's as if the decay on this ship is in some way contagious. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Thirty-five seconds. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Try the backup. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug makes more noises, but of a slightly more hopeful timbre. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Let's get out of here. [:np] [:ra 245] In the rear, Lister awakens and sits up. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yep, all systems check. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug takes off. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We're up, and looking good. [:np] [:ra 245] Lister is walked into the cockpit, his arms carrying a shovel. They bring it down, twice, onto Starbug's console, causing more flashes of light and sparks. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Not again? [:np] [:ra 245] Lister's hands drop the shovel and start to throttle the Cat. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Watch where you're steering! [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug is careering wildly down the exit corridor! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Chloroform him! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten, however, is struggling to pull Lister off the Cat. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, wait! I think I've located the spinal implant! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten pulls the implant out of Lister's spine. At the same moment, starbug smashes out of the low dwarf, again banging the door. The bodies within the cockpit jostle) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Where is it? I've lost it! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's in his neck! [:np] [:ra 245] He is pointing at the Cat. The Cat looks up with a ferocious gleam in his eyes, and starts to throttle the now comatose Lister. Kryten pulls the implant from his neck and tosses it back into the rear. [:np] [:ra 245] With the cry of an angelic choir the two Red Dwarves vanish, and one appears. The Red Dwarf, on Starbug's viewscreen. Mix to Holly) [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Holly's back! [:np] [:ra 245] Kryten begins awakening Lister, who is out cold. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mister Lister, wake up, Sir. It's over. We're safe now. [:nu] [:dv as 1 bf 10 la 30 nf 10 ri 100 sm 50 hr 100 sr 20 ap 130] [:ra 240] Engaging auto ['paylaxt.] Course zero zero mark zero. Taking her home. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug rear. starbug lands and Kryten helps Lister out of the cockpit. They are followed by an angry Cat and a relieved Rimmer [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] See what you did to my blouson? Look at it. Plus, you almost killed me three times. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Sorry, it wasn't my fault. Once you get one of them things in you, you just can't, [:np] [:ra 245] He sits, and looks thoroughly shocked. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, what's wrong? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I think he just sat on the spinal implant. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But it doesn't make sense! Who's controlling him? [:np] [:ra 245] For he is certainly being controlled. Lister is stood up and walked toward the Cat again. The Cat lifts his bazookoid and fires [_<600>] at the cupboard, from which a faint and annoying giggle can be heard. A very dead Low Lister falls out, still holding the remote control. Lister halts. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'd better remove the spinal implant and destroy it once and for all. [:np] [:ra 245] Cat puts down his bazookoid, and picks up the remote control. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] ahuh, wait a minute. Just give me one week; that's all I ask. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you talking about? [:np] [:ra 245] Cat twiddles the joysticks on the remote control, and Lister's hands slap Lister's face. Once, twice, thrice [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Boy, this is gonna be fun! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] The end.