[:phone on] RED DWARF Series 6 Episode 1, [_<800>] Psirens [:np] In this episode, our friends find themselves in more trouble then they can ever remember. Red Dwarf has been stolen by unknown entities. For 200 years, they have been frozen in time in Starbug, trying to find Red Dwarf. In the middle of their pursue, they get attacked by dangerous creatures, called " Psirens". Will they find Red Dwarf? And will they survive the soul-sucking powers of the Psirens? Come and see for yourself! [_<800>] [_<800>] Starfield. We pan to reveal enormous sun. After a pause, Starbug beetles across the disk of the sun. [_<800>] Observation deck. [_<800>] Dark. Various consoles click into life as we pan around the room, and come to rest on two deep sleep units. Suddenly, one of them flares with blue light from the inside, and its hood hisses back, revealing a slowly- waking, bearded lister, wearing soiled long johns. He sits up. His mouth tastes vile. He notices his fingernails and toenails are six inches long. lister pads across the room, and starts to cut his nails in a desk-mounted pencil sharpener. He catches his reflection in a blank TV screen. lister says to his reflection: [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Who the hell are you? [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug engine room. kryten empties some waste into a large hatch marked 'Waste Compactor' and presses the start button. Crushing sounds. He opens the hatch and takes out the garbage, now in a perfect cube. [_<800>] Mid-section. More hi-tech than before. Light panels line the back wall. Switches, radar screens, etc. There is a large flatbed scanner screen, which doubles as a table, surrounded by four chairs. kryten climbs up the spiral staircase with the waste cube. lister is standing there, looking a bit nonplussed. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Welcome back on-line, sir. How are you feeling? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't remember anything. I don't know who I am. What is this place? Who are you? [:np] [:ra 245] As he speaks, kryten places the cube in a waste disposal chute and launches it into space. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, you have a touch of amnesia. That's quite common after such a long period in Deep Sleep. You've been out for just over two hundred years. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Two hundred years? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Actually, I woke you last spring, but you absolutely insisted on another three months. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What did you say my name was? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] lister, sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And you are -? [:np] [:ra 245] lister follows kryten into the... [_<800>] Galley. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Kryten. I was just preparing your breakfast tray. [:np] [:ra 245] lister examines the tray. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] These cornflakes have got grated raw onions sprinkled over them. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's how you like them, sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Do I? from This orange juice is revolting. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's not orange juice, sir. That's your early-morning pick-me- up. Chilled vindaloo sauce. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I drink curry sauce for breakfast? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Depends on your mood. If you get up in the afternoon, you often prefer to start the day with a can of last night's flat lager. That's why you sleep with a tea strainer by your bed: to sieve out the cigar dimps. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I drink, I smoke, I have curry sauce for breakfast? Raw onions on my cereal? I sound like some barely human grossed-out slime ball. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh excellent, sir. It's all flooding back then? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No. None of it is. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten sets a box in front of lister. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Perhaps these will help. Your personal artifacts. You asked me to keep them safe. [:np] [:ra 245] lister takes out a photo. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Kristine Kochanski. You dated her for three weeks once. Before she discarded you for a catering officer. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] She's beautiful. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's your ambition, sir, somehow to get her back and lie on top of her and move up and down rapidly in that curious way that humans find so agreeable. Personally, I prefer partnership whist. [:np] [:ra 245] lister takes out a book. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ah! Wait a minute. This feels more like it. Aristotle's Metaphysica. At last -- something wholesome and commendable about me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hardly, sir. You use that book to hide your secret Polaroid collection of naked ex-girlfriends. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] God, I went out with a lot of nurses, didn't I? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't believe those are authentic uniforms, sir. Note the astonishing brevity of those hemlines. I believe all those girls are imposters, pretending to belong to the medical profession for some nefarious purpose as yet unknown. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten hands lister his guitar. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is this mine? Do I play the guitar? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Do you play the guitar? Do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube? Why don't you chock out a few power chords? See if anything comes back to you. [:np] [:ra 245] lister plucks tunelessly at the strings. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The Axeman's back! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't patronize me. I can't play the guitar. Anyone with half an ear can tell that. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Please, sir -- you are not yourself at present. When you're fully functional, and your personality's restored, you will firmly believe that you can play the guitar like the ghost of Hendrix. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is there something good you can tell me about myself? Something laudable? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Laudable... Well, you frequently help me with my laundry duties by wearing your underpants inside out and extending their wear time by three weeks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm an animal! I'm a tasteless, uncouth, tone-deaf, mindless, revolting, randy, blokeish, semi-literate space bum. Welcome back, Davey! [:np] [:ra 245] kryten opens the fridge, gets out Rimmer's frozen light bee and pops it into a pan of boiling water. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's that? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mr Rimmer, sir. He's a hologram, sir. This is his light bee. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer... He's my best mate, isn't he? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You are sick, sir. I'm getting woried. Maybe a little synaptic enhancer will do the trick. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten takes out syringe gun and fires it into lister's neck. kryten takes the light bee out of the water and places it in an egg cup. And lister follows kryten into [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Mid-section. kryten places the light bee on the scanner and sits in front of the computer screen on the rearwall. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Initiating boot-up sequence. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten taps some panels on the keyboard, and the light bee flares into life and hovers out of the egg cup. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Download physical form. [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer's image crackles into existence around the light bee, in black and white, with ripples of white noise interference. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Access personality banks. [:np] [:ra 245] On the screen, a bar chart appears. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Download characteristics. Load arrogance. [:np] [:ra 245] The first bar shrinks towards the bottom of the screen, like liquid being poured from a vial, to the accompaniment of appropriate computer sound effects. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Load charisma. [:np] [:ra 245] The second bar disppears off the screen with a single blip! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Load neuroses. [:np] [:ra 245] The next, the longest bar, drains off the screen. Followed by the next, and the next, and the next... Rimmer becomes fully formed and colourful. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Download memory. [:np] [:ra 245] As Rimmer recieves his memory, his face contorts into various combinations of horror, shock, anguish, and occasional brief spasms of joy. He gets his bearings. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh. That Rimmer. [:np] [:ra 245] They are all sitting around the scanner scope. The CAT is cracking the head of a boiled mouse in an egg cup. Rimmer is looking at him aghast. lister is tucking into his cornflakes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Good cornflakes. Nice and oniony. Pass me the Tabasco sauce -- just needs a bit more pep in it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Congratulations, sir. You seem to be on your way to full recall. Next thing you know, you'll be convinced you can play the guitar. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can play the guitar! I'm a diva, man. I can make that lump of wood sing like a Yukon bear trapper on his annual visit to the brothel. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's as may be, bud. But the deal stays the same. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I know, I know. If I want to strum my guitar, I have to put on a suit and do it in outer space. Peasants. [:np] [:ra 245] lister liberally douses the cornflakes with Tabasco, then swigs from the bottle. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Suggest we begin the debriefing. Mr Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Thank you Kryten. Gentlemen, as we're all aware, we have lost Red Dwarf. This is not the time for small-minded, petty recrimination. The time for that is when lister is court-martialled after we get back to Earth. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I didn't lose it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: You're the one who parked it, lister. You're the one who couldn't remember which planetoid you'd left it around. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but they all look the same, those little blue-green planetoids. They're all sort of little, blue-green and planetoidy. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sirs, please, there's no advantage in finger-pointing. We didn't lose Red Dwarf. Red Dwarf was stolen. By persons... or life forms unknown. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Who would steal a gigantic red trash can with no brakes and three million years on the clock? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Rogue droids... Genetically engineered life forms... Figments of Mr lister's imagination made solid by some weird space ray. Who knows? The important thing is, after two hundred years of following their vapour trail, we have them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What d'you mean? [:np] [:ra 245] kryten clears some breakfast things off the scanner screen. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] They've been forced to make a massive detour to circumnavigate this asteroid belt. However, Starbug is small enough to negotiate its way directly through the middle. For the first time in two centuries, we have the oppurtunity to head them off at the pass, as it were, and recover Holly. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, what are we waiting for? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Without deflectors? What about Space Corps Directive one-seven- four-two? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] One-seven-four-two? 'No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee'? Thanks for reminding us of that regulation, sir. But is it really that pertinent in this particular situation? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: One-seven-four-three, then. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, I see. 'No registered vessel should attempt to transverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.' [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Yes? God, he's pedantic. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, check out the supply situation. printout.) Your hologram's on battery back-up. We've only got oxygen for three months: water, if we drink re-cyc, seven weeks. And worst of all, we're down to our last two thousand poppadoms. We're in trouble, big time. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: You know how unstable these belts are. Rogue asteroids... meteor storms. One direct hit on that plexiglass viescreen, and our innards will be turned inside out quicker than a pair of lister's old underpants. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We're out of options, man. We're taking her in. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Recommend the Cat pilots. His superior reflexes and nasal intuition will give us our best chance. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT, lister and kryten stand to leave. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: For pity's sake, one breech in that hull, and we're people pate [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] There's on ald Cat proverb: 'It's better to live one hour as a tiger, than a whole lifetime as a worm.' [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: There's an old human saying: 'Whoever heard of a wormskin rug?' [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug's rear jets flare and it arcs into the asteroid belt. We see the back of Starbug as it tacks through a narrow gap between two huge asteroids. Cockpit. All at their stations. Tense. Suddenly, orange light flares from their right. CAT wrenches the controls to the left. A huge lick of flame leaps out at Starbug from a gas geyser on one of the asteroids. Starbug nicks the opposite asteroid as it swerves to avoid the flame, and they all stagger with the impact. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nice stick work, man. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT wrinkles his nose. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Something's coming. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Nothing on the navicomp. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I can smell it. screen.) big. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm getting nothing, either. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] These nostrils never lie. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: He's right. Co-ordinates 1746 by 9472. Take a peek, gentlemen. There's a meteor bigger than King Kong's first dump of the day, and it's screaming straight towards us. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's far too vast to go around. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Reverse thrust. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] There's no time. Face it -- we're deader than corduroy. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, you know what to do. [:np] [:ra 245] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] On my way, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: lister. Given that we've got as much chance of getting out of this in one piece as a Jammy Dodger that's been dunked in hot coffee and wiggled about for three minutes, perhaps you'd do me the courtesy of explaining what he's doing? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He souped up the waste disposal. Filled the eject system with rocket fuel, and turned it into a sort of high-impact garbage cannon. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: A garbage cannon? You're going to try and shoot that out of the sky with tin cans and a banana peel? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's a thermos of nitro-glycerine in there, too. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten picks up a cube of garbage, opens a hatch in the wall marked 'Waste disposal unit 5' and places the cube in the chute inside. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Waste disposal unit armed, and ready to fire. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Kryten -- will this work? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Lie Mode. it will work, sir. No worries. to lister ) Hook, line, sinker, rod and copy of Angling Times. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Here it comes! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bearing zero-seven-niner-two. Fire! [:np] [:ra 245] kryten pulls the waste disposal lever. The waste cube blasts out of an orifice above Starbug's front lights, heads straight for the giant meteor, hits it in the middle and blasts it to pieces. ALL whoop and cheer, apart from Rimmmer, who shakes his head in disbelief. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Relocating Red Dwarf's vapour trail. Present speed and course, estimated time of interception, twelve hours, seven minutes. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Check your screens. I'm getting something new, and it does not smell good. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Enhance four. Nothing. Enhance eight... Sixteen. ) Thirty-two... Still nix. Enhance sixty-four. Got it. Some kind of ship. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait a minute. There's another one. And another. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm getting them too. Ten of them... twelve. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: All derelict. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It looks like this is some kind of spaceship graveyard. A tiny Starbug flies between a group of asteroids, all with wrecked space craft embedded in them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Anyone else got the feeling that we've been led here like lambs to the kebab shop? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: We are not moving another inch until we've found out what brought these ships down. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Recommend we stop engines and launch scouter. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT flicks some switches. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Engines stopped. Launching scouter. [:np] [:ra 245] In the Crashed ship. We are inside. A laser beam burns a circle in the hull, which falls inwards, and scouter's search beam pierces the smoke as it hovers through the hole into the ship. lister, [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220], kryten and CAT hunched over the scanner screen. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We're in. [:np] [:ra 245] Scouter's POV as it hovers its way through the derelict craft. Dark and scary. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Scouter, stop. Go back. Stop. Angle, forty-five degrees to your left. Magnify. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's that? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Human remains. Wait. Angle: five degrees right. Ten degrees up. Stop. There: some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. Psirens? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The poor devil scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood and even some lengths of his own intestines. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Who would do that? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Someone who badly needed a pen. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a full stop. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: I don't think he meant that. It probably just plopped out. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Whoever he was, clearly he was desperate to warn any poor wretches who wandered into the same deadly trap. [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] They exchange worried looks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Scouter's located the black box. Replay final entry. [:np] [:ra 245] On the screen, white noise, which settles to become... All on one shot, overhead, wide angle. Mad ASTRO, wide-eyed with fear, talks directly to the camera eating a burger ravenously. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] They're closing in. They're all over the ship. They've got Hank, and Ludo. Tina, Jerry, Tim, Gordy, Sam. They even got Jeff. At least I think so: I found a huge pile of his intestines on his bunk. Maybe the rest of him escaped, I don't know. What am I saying? I'm half- crazed with fear. I know I'm next. It's just a matter of time before... From the doorway behind him, a hideous INSECTOID biped with mandibles advances towards him. [:np] [:ra 245] Insectoid speaks in some sort of disgusting language that no one can understand. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh God, you're so beautiful, I can't resist you. But I have to be strong. I know what you want. [:np] [:ra 245] More insect talk. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] No, you don't. You want to love me. You want to suck out my brains with a straw, like you did the rest of them. [:np] [:ra 245] More insect talk. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm different? Is that what you said to Jeff? Just before you slurped up the contents of his skull, like it was a double-thick brain shake? Get away from me. [:np] [:ra 245] The INSECTOID reaches him. He backs out of shot, the creature holds up a metal straw and follows. The ASTRO screams. The screen is splattered with red. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What have you done, you evil harlot! You've squeezed all the ketchup out of my burger. Now what! No! Get that straw out of my ear! [:np] [:ra 245] There is a slurping sound and more gunk hits the screen. The INSECTOID lurches into view, something grey and slimy dangling from it's mouth. It sucks it in like spaghetti, then licks the screen. [:np] [:ra 245] The four of them watching the replay on the scanner screen. Without changing expression, Rimmmer falls backwards out of shot in a dead faint. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug gingerly tacks through the spaceship graveyard. All seated round the scanner table. lister has a sheaf of papers. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK. Scouter's checked out black boxes on three of the derelicts. This entire belt is swarming with some kind of genetically engineered life form who can alter your perception, telepathically. They're called Psirens. Like with Ulysees in the ancient Turkish legend. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I believe the legend was Greek, sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Whatever. Some country that's big on curly shoes and hoummos. the point is, they use this power of illusion to lure you on to the asteroids, strip the ship of anything they can use and suck out your brains. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: They shouldn't bother us, then. There's barely a snack on board. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We can't turn back. We'll lose Red Dwarf. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, we'll be through the belt in three, maybe four hours. We've just got to be on our toes. They'll try and tempt us, scare us, break our morale - anything to force us down on to the rocks. Just be alert. [:np] [:ra 245] A wall monitor starts to fizzle with white noise. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Incoming message. It's pretty weak. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT crosses to the monitor and fine-tunes the controls. The screen clears and Cushiony, curtainy area. Two beautiful TEMPTRESSES appear. [:nk] Please help us. Our settlement is almost extinct. There are only women left. [:nb] Barely three thousand of us. [:nk] If we are to survive, we need males to spread their seed among our number. We beg you. Make love to us. [:nb] Make love to all of us. Please, we beseech you... [:np] [:ra 245] The screen dies. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You heard 'em -- they want seed-spreaders. I'm going to apply. You guys deal with this Psiren thing. I'll deal with this. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT dashes into the cockpit. Pause. He steps back again. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Call me paranoid, but you don't think they were these Psiren dude things...? [:np] [:ra 245] lister, Rimmmer and kryten nod patiently. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Even the brunette? [:np] [:ra 245] lister, rimmmer and kryten nod. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You don't think there's any chance they're just two nice girls who both happen to want my seed for totally legitimate reasons? [:np] [:ra 245] lister, rimmmer, and kryten shake their heads. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I don't need to tell you this is a big disappointment. Damn vixens! How could they be so cunning? If anyone wants me, I'll be taking a cold shower in liquid oxygen. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT exits to cockpit. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Well, if that's the most sophisticated enticement these Psirens can throw at us, I hardly think we're exactly in danger of being bewitched. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] If I may postulate a theory, sir: that was merely the level of sophistication required to lure the Cat. And it worked. Had we not stopped him, he would now be on one of those asteroids, crawling around without his brain, trying to write 'Oh boy, was I suckered' with his own intestinal tract. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, we'll make it. All we've got to do is stay on the case. [:np] [:ra 245] The screen fizzles. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Incoming message. Here they come again. [:np] [:ra 245] The picture is riddled with interference. 27 Int. Ship interior. A wounded WOMAN looks into the camera. In the background, through the smoke, we can vaguely make out that the WOMAN and her companions are fighting a futile rearguard action. She is talking into a communicator. [:nu] Can anyone read me? This is Captain Tau of the SCS Pioneer. We're under attack from some kind of scavengers -- Psirens. They lured us on to this god-forsaken asteroid -- killed most of the crew. She turns and lets out a volley of laser fire. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is this genuine? [:np] [:ra 245] The WOMAN is shot dead. A second WOMAN picks up the communicator, and turns to the screen. [:nr] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 180 pr 95] Don't try and help us. We're finished. Save yourselves. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kochanski! [:nr] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 180 pr 95] Dave? Is that you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I thought you were dead. [:nr] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 180 pr 95] No time to explain. We're over-run! Get out of the belt while you can! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's Kochanski. [:nr] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 180 pr 95] We'll be OK -- they'll never take us alive. I'm keeping back three bullets. One for me and one for each of the two kids. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kids? [:nr] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 180 pr 95] Your two sons, Dave. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] My sons? But how...? I don't understand. [:nr] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 180 pr 95] When you went into stasis, I broke into the sperm bank, Dave, back on Red Dwarf. You're a father. Here they come! the gun and calls off.) Jim, Bexley, come to Mummy. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait! Don't do anything. I'm coming in. [:np] [:ra 245] The screen blanks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten -- get the bazookoids. Rimmer -- plot a course. [:np] [:ra 245] lister grabs a space helmet. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: lister, tune into Sanity FM. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? Are you saying they were... Psirens? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Of course. It's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're sure? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Come on, Listy, you're giving simpletons a bad name. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT leans in from thee cockpit. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I think you should take a look at this. Something's heading straight for us. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What is it? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What do you call one of those giant meteorites that are covered in flames? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A giant, flaming meteorite? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's it! [:np] [:ra 245] Flaming meteor hurtling through space. Cockpit. All take up their stations. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Should I load the garbage cannon? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wouldn't make a dent. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Plot course change. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten turns to navicomp. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Engaging re-heat! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wait! There's nothing on the radar. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: So? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I think it's another illusion. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Psirens? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Cat? Are you getting any scent from that meteorite? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Scent? You think there's going to be a duty-free shop on it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Can you smell anything? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220].) Just a little holo-fear. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Recommend we maintain current course. That fire-ball does not exist. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Say you're wrong? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No, but I hope to acquire one from this escapade. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's closing. Too late to run. [:np] [:ra 245] The others brace themselves. kryten remains defiantly erect. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Relax, gentlemen, we're quite safe. [:np] [:ra 245] The flaming meteor hurtles towards Starbug... and passes harmlessly through it. They are momentarily bathed in an orange glow, then back to normal. They unbrace. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, I can't hang around saving your necks all day. Swagger mode. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten swaggers out. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Guess I'd better make a start on that ironing. [:np] [:ra 245] lister follows him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm getting another one. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220].) Better get Kryten. He'll tell us what to do. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: I'm perfectly capable of dealing with a giant, flaming meteorite, thank you so very much. We do not need to enlist the services of a domestic droid with a head shaped like a genetically flawed lumpfish. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] OK, keep your H on. So what do we do? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: There's nothing on the radar. It's another illusion. We do nothing. [:np] [:ra 245] lister and kryten come back in. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's happening, guys? Cabin temperature's rising. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Psirens again. Another illusion. It's all in hand. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Permission to speak, sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Refused. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What if this time it's a real fireball and the radar read-out that's the illusion? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Relax, gentlemen. We're quite safe. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat -- chuck a left, man. [:np] [:ra 245] They brace themselves, except for Rimmer, who stands nobly erect. [:np] [:ra 245] The flaming meteor hurtles towards Starbug... and smashes into it. Rimmmer gets flung backwards through the cockpit door. Sparks and smoke from the consoles. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug crashes on to an asteroid. lister and CAT are putting out small fires on the consoles. kryten is checking the computer screen. Rimmmer staggers in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Any damage? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Not too bad. A couple of the sensors are out, fuel-intake chambers are both flooded and the left pilot seat doesn't go up and down any more. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: We came through that intact? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Starbug was built to last, sir. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's the material it's built from. Aerospace engineers discovered that, after a plane crash, the only thing that always survives intasct is a cute little doll. They built Starbug out of the same stuff. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How long before we can take off again? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, just a matter of... Wait. The front landing stanchion is embedded in the rock up to its joint. We're going to have to go out there and blast it free. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'll go. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, the atmosphere is thin, and this place is likely to be crawling with Psirens. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You sort out the engines. I'll be out there two minutes, maximum. [:np] [:ra 245] Crashed Starbug. Tiny sparks by the front landing leg. We cut to: Welding gun held by lister, in space suit, as he tries to free Starbug's landing leg. Attached to the neck of the suit is a breathing pipe, which looks a bit like a harmonica, from which he occasionally sucks air. He stops and presses a communicator button on his wrist. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How's that? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Dist.) Looking good. We'll clear the rest on take-off. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] On my way back. [:np] [:ra 245] lister packs his gear. From behind him, he hears; [:np] [:ra 245] PSIREN: Hi, Dave. [:np] [:ra 245] lister spins to see a PSIREN -- a cross between Catwoman and Barbarella. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Smegging heck. It's Pete Tranter's sister! [:nk] Remember me, Dave? You lusted after me all through your puberty. There's nothing more potent than an adolescent fantasy. Don't you remember? You wanted me so badly: And now, at last, I can be yours. [:np] [:ra 245] lister trains his welding gun on her. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Back off, Pete Tranter's sister! I know what you're after: it's moist and pink and it's inside my head. And that's where it's staying. [:nk] Oh come on, Dave. You know what you want. You want to squeeze my buttocks together to make one juicy giant peach. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I get it. You're trying to make me drown in my own drool. Well, it won't work. [:nk] Don't fight it. [:np] [:ra 245] PETE TRANTER'S SISTER advances. On the ground we see the shadow she casts is her true form: the hideous bipedal insectoid we saw before. lister, unaware, swoons and sways, trying to fight his desire. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Stay back, Pete Tranter's sister. [:nk] How long has it been since you made love to a woman? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I admit it's been a while. [:nk] It's been over three million years, Dave. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I prefer to count it in Ice Ages: then it's just four. And if you count it in leap Ice Ages, it's hardly even one. [:nk] That's a long time, Dave, for a man of your drives. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] that's a long time for a Welsh shepherd who's allergic to wool. [:nk] Kiss me. [:np] [:ra 245] Two-shot: as the PSIREN approaches lister, we see it in its insectoid form. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't resist you any more, Pete Tranter's sister. [:nk] Your death will be exquisite. I'll take you to the peak of ecstasy, then I'll blow your mind. [:np] [:ra 245] We intercut between lister passionately necking with PETE TRANTER'S SISTER and lister necking with the hideous INSECTOID PSIREN, including licking it's swarfega-dripping mandibles. Slowly, PETE TRANTER'S SISTER raises a metal straw, like the one we saw in the mad Astro scene, about to plunge it into his head, when a shot rings out and PETE TRANTER'S SISTER is hit in the back. Before lister's eyes, the illusion ends and he sees the INSECTOID PSIREN thrashing around on the ground, squealing in it's death throes. He looks up. kryten holds a smoking bazookoid. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Come on, Dave -- let's get out of here. [:np] [:ra 245] As lister walks past him, we see kryten is concealing a metal straw behind his back. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Dave? [:np] [:ra 245] lister spins as the metal straw arcs down towards his head. He blasts kryten. The illusion ends and another INSECTOID PSIREN dies, jerking and squealing. lister's radio crackles. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Dist.) Sir? Is everything OK out there? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Stand by with the airlock. I'm coming back. [:np] [:ra 245] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] and kryten craning over the mike. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: What's the delay? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Dist.) A couple of Psirens wiped each other out fighting over my brains... Oh, no. It's the TV weather girl from channel 27. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir. Fight it! Don't look at her. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Dist.) It's not that easy, Kryten -- you can't see what she's doing with her pointy stick. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm starting up the engines. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Get back in here. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten exits to mid-section. Over the radio, we hear lister firing. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Dist.) On my way. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT starts up the engines. Mid-section. kryten stands by the airlock, looking at a video monitor. The monitor blinks into life and lister appears. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Dist.) It's me. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten presses a button. Airlock doors. [:np] [:ra 245] The outer airlock doors hiss and through swirling smoke, lister steps in. He presses the door close button. [:np] [:ra 245] Mid-section. kryten opens the inner airlock door and closes it as lister staggers in. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's getting pretty hairy out there. Come on -- Let's vamoose. [:np] [:ra 245] Cockpit. CAT starts to take off. [:np] [:ra 245] Mid-section. As kryten and lister head for the cockpit, the airlock monitor fizzes on again and a SECOND lister appears on the screen. [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What the hell are you doing taking off when I'm still outside? Let me in. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten double-takes between the lister inside and the lister on the monitor. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm afraid, sir, you're already here. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] steps down from the cockpit. [:np] Ok, lister 1 will be indicated with one beep. The second lister with 2 beeps. [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's a Psiren -- don't let him in. [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] For god's sake -- I can't hang on any longer. He's the Psiren. Let me in! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: What do we do? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] there's no way to tell which is which. We have to let him in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: That means we'll definitely have one Psiren on board. A brain- sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's a fifty per cent chance we have one on board already. We can't risk killing the real lister. I'm letting him in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: What about Space Corps directive 5796? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] 5796? 'No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples'?!? Pardon me, but how does that possibly pertain to the current situation? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: 5797, then. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] To hell with the regs, sir. I'm letting him in. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten presses the door release. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: On your square head be it. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug flying through asteroid belt. [:np] [:ra 245] The TWO lister S are seated side by side, kryten has a bazookoid trained on them. Rimmmer watches them warily. The CAT steps down from the cockpit with a bazookoid. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We're on auto. [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How many times? He's the Psiren. I'm me. [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How can you believe this for two seconds? He doesn't even look like me. He's podgy. He hasn't got my classic profile. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, you both look identical. [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] The TWO lister S look at each other, then look forward. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We're going to try some tests. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: A series of questions to trick and confuse you. If you fail to answer correctly or for any reason hesitate, you'll be shot. [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]lister Come on, Rimmer, give us a break. [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] For god's sake, Rimmer, do me a lemon. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Kryten? [:np] [:ra 245] kryten throws two apples. BOTH lister S catch them right-handed. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Both right-handed. Correct. You have a tattoo on your left buttock, true or false? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: You. It's dedicated to the one unbending love of your life. Describe the tattoo. [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a heart with an arrow through it, and underneath it says 'I love vindaloo' in dripping curry sauce. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: You. How did you get it? [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Planet leave on Ganymede. Went on the razz with Petersen. He spiked my cocktail with half a pint of four star petrol. When I next awoke, I'd enrolled as a novice monk in a Ganymedian monastery. I discovered the vindaloo tattoo when I handed in my habit. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Take your shoes and socks off. Kryten? [:np] [:ra 245] kryten puts two pairs of scissors on the scanner top. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Now, gentlemen: trim your toe nails. [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] Both lister S start biting their toenails. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Enough. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten picks up lister's guitar and hands it to lister 1. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Play the guitar. [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Here? Inside? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Play it. [:np] [:ra 245] lister 1 starts playing the guitar. It is a superb display of axemanship. we could get some guitar diva to crouch behind lister and be his arms, ecstasy.) After about fifteen seconds of astonishing virtuosity, the music builds to a crescendo and ends. As the last chord dies away, kryten and CAT hit lister 1 with volley after volley of bazookoid fire. The INSECTOID PSIREN writhes and screeches on the floor. [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How did you know that wasn't me? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] 'Cause that dude could play. [:tone<1000,75>] [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He wasn't any better than me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's how you believe you play, sir. That's why, when the Psiren read your mind, he shared your delusion that you are not a ten- thumbed, tone-deaf, talentless noise polluter. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Are you seriously saying you think he was better than me? [:np] [:ra 245] lister picks up the guitar and starts playing. It's terrible. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's the difference? If anything, this is slightly better. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] A little survival tip, bud. Never play your guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I resent this. I resent you saving my life in this way. I won't forget this. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Where's it gone? [:np] [:ra 245] ALL look down for the PSIREN's corpse. It has vanished. A trail of yellow Psiren blood leads to the spiral staircase. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's crawled down to the engine room. [:np] [:ra 245] Alert lights flash and a siren whoops. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Meteor storm! Off the port bow. It's a biggie. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Recommend you two stay here and man the cockpit. Mr Rimmer and I will pursue the Psiren. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Um, that's quite a good plan, Kryten. Excellent in all but one detail. I think you know what it is. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's no time to argue. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten heads for the spiral stairs. The others dash into the cockpit. After a short pause, the bloodstain trail vanishes, and the wounded PSIREN drops its illusion of invisibility and re-appears where it fell. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Engine room. kryten prowls around with his Psi-scan and bazookoid. He gets an alert beep on his psi-scan, and rotates. He looks up. The wounded PSIREN is behind him, some distance away. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Please, I have no desire to hurt you. Let us set you down on an asteroid where your fellow GELFs can attend to your wounds. [:np] [:ra 245] The PSIREN rasps insectly. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's no logic in trying to engage me in combat. I am unseducible, in that I have no desires or lusts, and my brain is synthetic and consequently of no interest to you. Give yourself up. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten looks astonished. When we cut back, the PSIREN has become a female scientist, MAMET. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Professor Mamet? My creator. [:nw] Hello, Kryten. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What is the function of this illusion? MAMET starts to advance on him. [:nw] You cannot harm me, Kryten. It's coded into every cell in your body. You're totally defenceless against me. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten lowers his bazookoid and takes out his walkie-talkie. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] True. However, the others are not so hampered. [:nw] You are also programmed to obey my every command. Drop the radio. [:np] [:ra 245] kryten involuntarily drops the walkie-talkie. [:nw] Open the waste compactor. [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] Against his will, kryten opens the waste compactor we saw earlier. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What are you doing? [:nw] Climb inside. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No! [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] But he climbs inside. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] This serves no... [:nw] Engage the mechanism. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You're sick! [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] kryten struggles with himself but loses. He presses the compactor button. The hatch closes. [:nw] Die! [:np] [:ra 245] We hear the sound of kryten being crushed. A silence. We hear footsteps on the metal stairs. MAMET wheels round. Shot: lister, the CAT and [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] walking along the gantry. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten? You here? The meteor storm was another illusion. The Psiren's not as badly wounded as we thought. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Kryten? [:np] [:ra 245] They spot kryten's psi-scan and bazookoid, abandoned on the floor. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's got him. [:np] [:ra 245] lister picks up the psi-scan and activates it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten? [:np] [:ra 245] Another section of engine room. CAT, lister and Rimmmer walk down some stairs. Rimmmer suddenly fades to black and white. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: My battery's going. Only a few seconds left. Need a recharge... [:np] [:ra 245] Rimmmer's image vanishes, and his light bee falls to the floor. lister picks it up and pockets it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And then there were two. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT and lister round a corner. We see the INSECTOID PSIREN standing against a wall. Bizarrely, CAT and lister don't react but walk straight up to it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Want a drink, man? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm parched. [:np] [:ra 245] lister stands facing the PSIREN [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cola? [:np] [:ra 245] From another angle, we see what they see: a Coke machine. lister reaches for a button. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait a minute. What's a vending machine doing in the engine room? v[:np] [:ra 245] In a flurry of arms, mandibles and probosces, the INSECTOID PSIREN attacks CAT and lister, knocking them both out. As they lie helpless, the INSECTOID PSIREN takes out the metal straw. They are dead meat. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Engine room. The waste compactor hatch springs open, and kryten drops out. He has been compacted into a cube, with short, stumpy legs but no arms. [:np] [:ra 245] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You scum-sucking mollusc. You can't do this to us. [:np] [:ra 245] He waddles furiously down the corridor. He catches sight of them on the deck below. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Another section of the engine room. The INSECTOID has the woozy lister by the locks, about to plunge the straw into his brain. We see CUBED kryten plummet down towards the INSECTOID. The INSECTOID looks up, but too late, as CUBED kryten crushes it. [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] Cockpit. CAT in the pilot seat, lister next to him. Rimmmer is at the navicomp. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: That's it -- we're clear of the belt. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What about Red Dwarf? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: According to the navicomp, it's gone into that gas nebula. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Then that's where we're heading. [:np] [:ra 245] The CUBED kryten waddles in with a tea tray on top of him. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Tea, anyone? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cheers, man. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Suggest you don't put your cups on the console, sir. It leaves those ugly little ring marks. Why not use me as a table? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I thought you were going to fix yourself. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Not until I've performed all my duties, sir. I can't go gallivanting off engaging my self-repair unit, not when there's a pile of laundry in the washroom the size of the north face of the Eiger. Besides, Cat has invited me to the weekly crap game tonight. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He's gonna be the dice. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]: Approaching nebula. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let's see what's in there. [:np]The End [:np] Didn't go so bad now, did it?