[:phone on]

Red dwarf, series 6, Episode 2, "Legion"
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
[:np] In this episode, our friends are in need of  food, drink, and fuel. They still havent found Red Dwarf. During their travels, they encounter a strange creature, "Legion". Who is this creature? Are they ever going to catch up to Red Dwarf and get enough food and drink? Come aboard and find out! 
[_<800>]
[_<800>]
 
Starbug Galley.

RIMMER enters the kitchen area, where KRYTEN is delicately slicing a
carrot.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Ten o'clock changeover.  Anything to report?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, sir    almost twenty four
hours behind now.  Other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift,
except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an
alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow.  Thankfully it turned out
to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar
screen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  How are we fuel wise?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Unchanged for today, sir.  However, the supply situation grows
increasingly bleak.  We've recycled the water so often, it's beginning
to taste like Dutch lager.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  We're okay for food, though, aren't we?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Confidentially, sir, no.  We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any
grain.  Worse still, the only liquorice allsorts left are those
{whorly} little black twisty ones that everybody hates.  If that
weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn
supply.


[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  So what's under the grill?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Space weevil.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN pulls the pan out from under the grill.  RIMMER looks away,
disgusted.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You can't serve space weevil, Kryten.  I mean, not even Lister
with his single remaining tastebud will knowingly sit down and eat
insectoid vermin.  Well let's face it   with him it's practically
cannabalism.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN places the grilled roach on a plate, garnished with fresh
vegetables.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But it's incredibly nutritious, sir.  After all, it is corn fed.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You'll never get him to eat it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Trust me, sir.  They say the first bite is with the eye.  It's all
down to presentation.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He sprinkles some grated herbs over the repast, then lifts it up in one
hand, waiter style.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Et voila!
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Cockpit.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit.  LISTER is at the controls, looking bored.
There is a magazine lying on a nearby control surface.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Change over!  Anything new?
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER picks up his magazine and stands up.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, nothing much.  Electrical storm, alien war fleet   false
alarm, the usual stuff.
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT squeezes past Lister as he heads for the door.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Look at the state of this place!  Why can't you ever clean up before
we swap over?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] 
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT sits down in the control chair which LISTER has just vacated.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What the hell is all this down the back of my chair?  Peanuts?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, I've been trimming my verrucas.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You really think I'm psychotically disgusting, don't you?
They're peanuts, okay?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] REAL peanuts?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Where'd you get them?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That derilict a couple of months back.  I found them in the dead
captain's old donkey jacket.
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT stares at him.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't look at me like that.  You enjoyed that mint imperial,
didn't you?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] And where did you get that?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He was sucking that when he got shot.  I had to prise his jaws
open with a car jack.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Uh huh, you think I'll buy anything you say, don't you?  Well,
wrong, buddy!  Now get out of here   I gotta keep my eyes skinned for
that asteroid shaped like a dancing moose you told me about yesterday.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Mid Section.

LISTER enters the mid section.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hi, honey, I'm home.
[:np] [:ra 245]

As LISTER sits down at the table, KRYTEN and RIMMER enter.  KRYTEN places
before him a covered metal tray and a tape.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Supper, sir, and tonight's movie.  I'm sorry, sir, it is another
Doug McClure.  Please don't hit me.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER lifts the cover off the supper tray, and freezes.  He peers
intently at the plate.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's this?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir?
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER digs around on plate and holds up the offending foodstuff.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Raw carrot?  Kryten, you know how I feel about fresh vegetables  
they're for health psychoes, vitamin freaks.  People... 
[:np] [:ra 245] throws the carrot onto the table, away from his plate) 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] ...who exercise.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm sorry, sir.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER opens his magazine and takes a bite of weevil.  He pauses, a look
of annoyance and disgust crossing his face

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Is everything okay, sir?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, it's not.  Some smegger's filled in this "Have You Got A Good
Memory" quiz.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But that was you, sir.  Last week.  Don't you remember?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Was it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hm.  Look:  Nobody else spells "Thursday" with an "F"
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't help it.  I went to art college.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Resumes eating.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  How's supper, Listy?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's delicious.  I didn't know we had any crunchy king prawn
left!
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT appears in the doorway to the cockpit.  He looks worried.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I hate to go all technical on you, but... all hands on deck, swirly
thing alert!
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]


Cockpit.

They charge through to the cockpit.  There are four control positions:
CAT takes the main joystick LISTER the communications
and navigation RIMMER takes short range sensors 
 and KRYTEN takes  shipboard systems and long range sensors 



[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's not on the radar yet   but I can smell it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Nothing here.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Nothing on long range.  Sir, is it possible you could have made a
mis smelling?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Listen, butter pat head, my nostril hairs are vibrating faster than
the springs on a spaniard's honeymoon bed!  I'm telling you, there's
something out there!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Don't get your double helix in a strict!  No one's questioning
your nasal integrity.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Go to blue alert.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What for?  There's no one to alert   we're all here.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I would just feel more comfortable if I know that we're all on
our toes 'cos everyone's aware it's a blue alert situation.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We all are on our toes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  May I remind you all of Space Core Directive 34124?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] 34124.  "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in
zero gravity".
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Damn you both, all the way to Hades!  I want to go to Blue Alert!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ok, ok.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER presses a button.  The "Alert" box on the wall starts to flash
blue.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Thank you.  A bit of professionalism.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wait!  I've got something   I'm punching it up.
[:np] [:ra 245]


We see a view of an orange, comet like thing speeding through space


[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Too small for a vessel... maybe some kind of missile.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's impossible to tell at this range.  Whatever it is, they
clearly have a technology way in advance of our own!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Step up to red alert!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, are you absolutely sure?  It does mean changing the bulb.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  There's always some excuse, isn't there?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Range15,000 Gigooks and closing.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Direct collision course.  Suggest evasive action!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Engaging re heat.
[:np] [:ra 245]

They dodge.


[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's still with us!  It's some kind of heat seeker   we can't
outrun it!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's it!  We're deader than tank tops!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Suggestions?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir?  May I recommend I load myself into the reverse thrust tubes
and you use my body as decoy fodder?  This will, of course leave me
splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry,
for which I apologise in advance.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, sit down!  I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Look, maybe we can reason with it.  Open communication channels,
Lister.  Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known
languages, including Welsh.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER does so.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter
Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug.  Now hear this, 'cos
it's only coming once:  We surrender, totally and without condition.
Thank you for listening.  Oh, additional:  sorry to take up your
valuable time.  Sorry.  Thank you.  Sorry.  Bye.  Bye.  Sorry.  Thank
you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of
diuretic camels.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Know this about me:  like General George S.  Patton, I believe in
reincarnation.  It is my firm conviction that in all my previous lives
I've been a soldier, a bold warrior soul, who tragically
in this incarnation has been given the body of an abject coward.  So
excuse me, gentlemen, while I have a humiliating panic attack under the
scanner table.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He scampers aft.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Here it comes!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Five Gigooks to impact   hang onto your wage packets.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The missile hits them.  Immediately, Starbug is enclosed in a sphere made
up of hundreds of points interconnected by glowing lines   much like a
computer generated model of a Buckminsterfullorene molecule.
[:np] [:ra 245]


Inside the cockpit, the lighting has turned red.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The controls are down!
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER, satisfied that they are still alive, re enters the cockpit.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What on Io was that?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Some kind of suction beam.  We're being dragged down.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fire up the retros.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Dead.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Auxilliary power?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Dead.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Joystick?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Dead.  Aw, the entire panel's deader than A line flares with pockets
in the knees!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I've located the beam's source.  I'm punching it up.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]


We see a view of Starbug being pulled towards an intricate, graceful
space station.  Waves of energy are pulsing out from a hanger bay about
halfway up the station's main axis.  As they reach the net surrounding
Starbug, they exapnd, flowing around the net on all sides.  The energy
waves are wafting Starbug towards the hangar.


Starbug, surounded by the net, is landed in the hangar.  It is of a
rather curious design:  A rather pleasing white marble decor, with at
least one free form sculpture prominently displayed on the black and 
white checked floor.  The net vanishes.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Mid Section.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  So what have we got?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, it seems we were snared by some kind of malfunctioning
guidance beam.  Designed to help
docking supply ships.  We've shut it down, and we're free to leave.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Anyone around?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No life signs, nothing.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The ident computer is stubborn as a mule.  All I could get from
its pesky little ROM was something about classified military research.
Wouldn't give me any details.  But listen to some of the physicists
involved   Heideger, Davro, Holder, Quayle   some of the most brilliant
minds of the 23rd century.  Whatever they were cooking up here it must
have been something pretty special.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Hmm.  Anything we can salvage?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There must be something we can swipe.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Well gentlemen, our strategy is clear.  Let's tool up and go
shopping!
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]


Station Corridor.

They enter the station.  It looks like the inside of a shopping mall  
clean, almost antiseptic, stylish.  KRYTEN is wielding the psi scan:  it
emits a soft, regular beeping.  They aren't far in when CAT pauses,
sniffing.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What?  anything?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm not sure.  Something.
[:np] [:ra 245]

A strange mist swirls around and past them.  None of them appear to
notice it.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's almost off my nasal spectrum.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The mist curls upwards onto a higher level, where it coaleasces into a
humanoid figure.  It watches them approach.  The beeping from the psi 
scan becomes more rapid, until it merges into a single note.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Strange   a life reading.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Why didn't it register before?
[:np] [:ra 245]

The stranger descends in a lift.  He is clad in a gold bodysuit, with a
silver chest pack and facemask.
[:np] Editors note: Holly's old male voice will be strangers, we don't use it anymore. 
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Welcome, my friends.  It has been many centuries since I last
had visitors.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He turns to KRYTEN.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You, of course, are Kryten.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He shakes KRYTEN's hand, then turns to face RIMMER.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And you are Rimmer, the hologram.  May I?
[:np] [:ra 245]

Be fore RIMMER can react, he reaches in and grabs RIMMER's light bee.
RIMMER immediately fades as the light bee tries to continue projecting
him, but at a greater range.  He vanishes altogether as the stranger
switches the light bee off, and examines it closely.  He opens it...

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Now then.
[:np] [:ra 245]

... and removes a few metres of wire, whilst muttering:

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes, of course.  Primitive.  So basic.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He replaces it with a thimble sized unit, which rattles inside the
otherwise near empty casing, and switches it back on.  He lobs the light 
bee towards RIMMER's last location.  RIMMER reappears there, as before,
but now his jacket is blue.  He pauses for a moment to catch his breath.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've
just done, miladdio.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Forgive me.  I merely converted your projection unit from soft
light to hard light.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Hard light?  
I've got a body?  I can touch?  
feel?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Puncture repair kit on standby, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  But how?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I created the hard light drive many years ago.  My mind is not
all that it once was.  You, my friend, are Lister.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How come you know who we all are?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You are in pain.  Here.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He touches a spot on his stomach.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, just a bit of Bangalore Belly.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] No.  It is something more serious.  May I?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER opens his jacket and shirt.  The stranger uses a scalpel like
device to slice a neat, painless, bloodless slit in LISTER's stomach.  He
reaches inside, and takes out...

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Your appendix.  As I thought, you were on the verge of
peritonitis.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He then hands the appendix to LISTER.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cheers, man.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And you are the Cat.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You come anywhere near me, buddy, you'll be wearing them bowels as a
bobble hat.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You're all tired and in need of nourishment.  Come, let us
dine.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What is your name?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Call me... Legion.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Dining Room.

LEGION leads them into a dining room full of exquisite art objects.  Soft
harpsichord music plays in the background.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Please, make yourselves comfortable.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Legion... these statues.  You sculpted them yourself?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Years ago.  I was... a different person, then.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, according to my connoiseur chip, they fulfill all ten
requirements for being masterpieces.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You're have a connoiseur chip?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Just because I look like Herman Munster's stunt man doesn't mean
to say I can't appreciate art, sir!
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I shall return with the feast.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Can I eat?  I mean, in this body, is it possible?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Mr.  Rimmer, in a hard light body, you can do anything a human
can do, with the added bonus that you are practically indestructible.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I can't be hurt!?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You're pleasure and pain responses remain the same, but you
cannot come to harm.  Excuse me.
[:np] [:ra 245]

As LEGION leaves to prepare them their feast, RIMMER bows to him
smarmily.  LISTER flops down in one of the chairs and puts his feet up on
the table.  CAT, ill at ease, also sits.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] His cellular structure is unique!
Genetic strands I've never seen before.  Part living tissue, part
mechanical.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  We've got to
persuade him to come with us.  He'd get us back to Earth in weeks!  And
what a team we'd make.  Legion, with his scientific genius, intellect,
culture and sophistication, and us with... 
rWith...
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] With our red alert bulb.  Let's flag down a black cab and head
for Real Street here.  This Johnny won't come with us.  He'd never fit
in.  Can you see him joining in on our late night sessions of "pin the
pointy stick on the weather girl"?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  True... but once he's signed up and we're off in the Big Black
it'll be too late for him to change his mind.  All we have to do is
create the facade that we're not the uncouth morons you are.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Just then the door opens, signaling LEGION's return.
[:np] [:ra 245]

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Here is the feast.  It is a traditional 24th century Mamosian
banquet.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER goes into "obsequious prick" mode with a vengeance, as KRYTEN
starts serving the food.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  How absolutely divine, Legion.  
Although I must say, our souls are already gorged fit to burst
with the feast of art laid out on your walls.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I wasn't aware you had an interest in art, Mr
Rimmer?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Many's a night we while away the wee hours contemplating a
Caravaggio, discussing its shape, themes and form.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The pointy stick game doesn't get a look in anymore.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Hmm.  Marvelous.  Now this three dimensional sculpture in particular is quite
exquisite.  Its simplicity, it's bold, stark lines... pray, what do you
call it?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The light switch.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  The light switch.  
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I couldn't buy it, then?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Not really.  I need it to turn the lights on and off.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It's a pity, 'cos if it wasn't a
l light switch i in many ways it could be considered a a masterpiece.
[:np] [:ra 245]

They cross to the table.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Kryten, please join us.  Mamosian cuisine is quite acceptable for
mechanoids.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Indeed.  It has long been a dream of mine to sample its unique
flavours.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Let the meal begin.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He disconnects the breathing tube from the moth hole on his mask.  the
others, meanwhile, are investigating the cutlery.  There are no knives or
forks:  instead, each person has two strange devices, which look rather
like an egg whisk that's been mated with a model of an ethanol molecule.
Seeing their confusion, Legion speaks up:

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm sorry.  Of course.  Not all of you can use Mamosian anti 
matter chopsticks.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He switches his chopsticks on for a few seconds.  They rotate, giving off
an electrical hum.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm fully versed, Legion.  For my cooking duties, I'm programmed
to be proficient in all known off world eating techniques, including
Jovian Boogle Hoops, and the often lethal Mercurian Boomerang Spoon.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] But the others.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The aforementioned others are holding their anti matter chopsticks.  they
grin weakly.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Antimatter chopsticks?  We use them all the time.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Can't even remember what a fork looks like.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Don't let a few congealed custard stains down Lister's long johns
delude you into thinking we're not sophisticates.
[:np] [:ra 245]

They switch on their chopsticks.  A blob of food rises from it's plate
and, under the guidance of Legion's chopsticks, crosses the table to his
mouth, while the uncouth morons watch in barely concealed amazement.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The trick is, of course, to never, ever, under any circumstances,
to allow live sticks to touch   but of course we all know that.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN uses his own chopsticks to pick up what looks like a birds nest.
He is clearly not as expert as Rimmer. 
  the food wobbles in mid air,
forcing him to chase it around with his mouth.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Well, bon appetite.  Tuck in, Listy.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, no, after you, man.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Wouldn't hear of it.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER tries to use the chopsticks on the dish in front of him.  He's
doing pretty well   bar the small detail that he has got food from a
plate other than the one he was aiming for   until, that is, he tries to
take a bite.  He loses control of the sticks, and the food shoots off to
the right... and lands on RIMMER's face.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, you're creating a reverse field.  Try and keep the
electron flow in the same direction.
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT, meanwhile, is having a different problem.  His food is two feet
above his head, and his chopsticks are pointed straight at it.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How do you land the damn stuff?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Simply invert the ionic phase in the downpulse of the
field margin.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I was with you all the way up to "simply".
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Like so.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He intervenes with his own chopsticks.  Between them, he and CAT manage
to land the food... on RIMMER's shoulder.  As RIMMER glares at them,
KRYTEN notices LISTER tugging futilely at his wineglass.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, the glass is fixed to the table.  It's
Mamosian telekinetic wine.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So how do you drink it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You simply will the liquid into your mouth, and then you
telepathically decide on its flavour.  Thusly:
[:np] [:ra 245]

He turns his attention to the glass before him.  The liquid within jets
straight into his mouth in a thin stream.  KRYTEN sucks for a few
seconds, then sits back with a sigh.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah.  Delicious.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER gives it a go.  He squints hard at the glass, and sucks.  The
liquid jets from the glass in a thick stream, and hits him in the face.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten!  Help me!
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN concentrates, and the jet stops, leaving LISTER gasping for air.
He notices LEGION watching him and gives a sickly grin.  Meanwhile, CAT
and RIMMER are having a slight disagreement...

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Cat, that's mine!
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT is struggling to control his chopsticks, which are pointed straight
at the food in RIMMER's mouth.  The food is being pulled towards them,
causing RIMMER's cheek to bulge.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I can't help it, bud!  Somehow we've crossed wavelengths!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It feels like you're pulling my teeth out!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Try swallowing it!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I have   three times!
[:np] [:ra 245]

Abruptly, the food leaves RIMMER's mouth.  It shoots past CAT's
chopsticks, and glossops against one of LEGION's paintings.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] My friends, I sense you are trying to impress me.  There really
is no need.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]  may I be frank?  It's not often we meet an individual
who we feel could improve our already pretty damn fine top notch team.
But in you, we feel we have.  In all our travels, we have met precisely
thirty one individuals:  three one.  And we have never felt moved to
invite a single one to join our crew.  True, most of them wanted in
some way to suck out our brains, or erase us from history altogether.
Nevertheless, they still weren't what we would consider The Right
Stuff.  We feel that you are different.  We feel that you, like us,
have the courage and the dignity it takes to make it as a Dwarfer.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Satisfied with his speech, RIMMER sits back and starts to cross his...

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir!  Don't cross the chopsticks!
[:np] [:ra 245]

All the food on the table starts to tremble.  All at once, it lifts into
the air and hurls itself at RIMMER.  When the barrage finally stops,
RIMMER is completely covered in food.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Mr Rimmer, I am moved by the eloquence of your invitation, but it
is quite impossible for me to leave the confines of the institute.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It was Lister, wasn't it?  He put you off.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Is there nothing we can do to change your mind?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Absolutely.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Then I'm afraid we must bid you farewell.  We have a long journey
ahead of us.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Nonsense.  You have no journey at all, my friends.  I insist you
stay here with me.  You will be my honoured guests   from now until the
day you die.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER wipes the food from his face, and sighs.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Thirty two.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Bedroom.

LEGION leads LISTER into a bedroom.  Posters cover the walls, and loud
music plays on the juke box.  On the bed is a steel guitar,
and in one corner of the room is a fridge.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] This will be your cell, Dave.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] My cell.  You really are a nutter, aren't you?
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER crosses over to the table.  On the table top is a wine bottle in a
bucket of ice and a covered tray.  LISTER investigates the bubbly, then
lifts up the cover of the tray.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Sugar Puff Sandwiches?  Me favourite!
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I think you will find nothing here that isn't to your liking.
The entire room is stocked for your own unique personal tastes and
requirements.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER examines the interior of the fridge.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Two dozen eight packs and a spare pair of sneakers in the ice 
box.  Faultless!  Not an inch wasted.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He closes the fridge and flops down on the bed.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] All your favourite music, all your favourite movies.  Absolutely
no Doug McClure.  You will want for nothing.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nothing?  What about company?  What about people?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] There is a cyberpark in the complex.  You may go to any time 
period of your choosing, and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any
persons you desire.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And that's in some way supposed to make me happy?  S 
sorry, run that by me one more time?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You will meet your companions in the morning.  
Now, you must excuse me they are falling asleep.
I must go.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LEGION leaves quickly.  LISTER picks up the guitar and strums it
experimentally.  The noise is awful.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Amazing.  Doesn't even need tuning!
[_<800>]

[:np] [:ra 245]
Dining Room.

Next morning, they all gather for breakfast in the dining room.  RIMMER
is the last to arrive.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Good morning, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What does he want from us?  Why is he so obsessed with fulfilling
our every desire?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We're all equally baffled, sir.  Was your room like everyone
else's   perfect in every detail?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Impeccable.  Right down to the overstarched pyjamas and nocturnal
boxing gloves.  What about you?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Filthy walls, mud streaked floors, mop and bucket... I was in
Hog's Heaven, sir!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] When I finally get round to writing my Good Psycho Guide, this
place is gonna get raves.  Accomodation   excellent.  Food   first
class.  Resident nutter   courteous and considerate.  Psycho rating's
gotta be four and a half chainsaws.  Higher, maybe.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sirs, we must not be seduced by all this fine living.  However
munificent our captor, we are still prisoners.  And with every second
that passes, we lose yet more ground on Red Dwarf.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're right, Kryten.  Cat, caviar niblet.
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT passes him the requested foodstuffs.  LISTER stands, places one foot
on a chair, and addresses his troops.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bucks fizz.
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT passes him the jug, and LISTER pours himself a drink.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let's talk about how to get out of this hellhole.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What do we know about this Johnny?  And why is he so keen on keeping
us happy?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Is it possible that our well being is in some way linked to his
own?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What?  You mean like he's feeding off our
emotions?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Remember when we arrived, the scans recorded no life signs.  Is
it possible that our very presence here has in some way inadvertently
awoken him?
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER looks up from his examination of a large, white, vaguely woman 
shaped sculpture.  He grins.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait a minute... I think I've got a way of getting out of here.
Has anyone ever seen "Revenge Of The Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire
Girls"?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I think that one slipped us by, sir.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, there's this one scene where the good looking
unconventional female journalist who wore glasses and a tight sweater
was trapped, deep in the bosom of the surfboarding killer bikini
vampire girls' lair, and she came up with this truly award winning
escape plan...

[:np] [:ra 245]

LEGION enters the dining room.  KRYTEN, CAT and RIMMER are sitting at the
table, smiling in a fakey sort of way.  In the chair facing away from the
door is a sculpture, dressed in LISTER's hat and jacket.  LISTER is
standing behind the door, holding a heavy looking objet d'art   the
sculpture he was examining whilst forming his plan   over his head.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Ah.  Legion.  We have considered our position, and have decided
our best option is to make a new life here with you.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You truly believed I would be deceived by that schlock plan from
"Revenge Of The Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"?!
[:np] [:ra 245]

With a single backhand blow he knocks the statue from the seat.  LISTER
tosses the sculpture onto LEGION.  The impact knocks off the facemask.
LEGION's face is a nightmare.  A silver "H" on his forehead, moulded
plastic curves, fangs and a mismatched eyes:  one mechanoid, one human.
[:np] [:ra 245]

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I just want you to be happy!
[:np] [:ra 245]

LEGION sends LISTER flying.   As LISTER slides the length of the table,
the others stand and lift their food and drink.  LISTER tumbles off the
far end of the table and bangs  his head off the wall.  LEGION snarls and
turns to face his guests.  As he does so,  his face alters, shifting and
rearranging.  It is now made up of the parts of  three faces, not four.
[:np] [:ra 245]

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Now look what you made me do.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER then regains consciousness with a groan.  LEGION's face shifts
again, to what it had been before.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What the hell are you, buddy?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Kryten knows.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I do?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You suspect the truth.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You mean that you are a gestalt entity, not a single creature but
a combination of individuals melded together to form one?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] "My name is Legion, for we are many"
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER sits up.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What   you're us?  All four of us?  Our combined minds and
personalities, blended together?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh, but much more than that, exponentially more.  The whole
becomes far greater than the sum of its parts.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  So we can't leave because you're us?  You're created from us?  If
we leave, you cease to be.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right?
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT attempts to shimmy past LEGION, who proves him wrong by knocking him
the length of the table.  CAT winds up in the lap of LISTER, who is still
sitting where LEGION knocked him.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wrong.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But this is insane.  Hurting us is hurting yourself.  Our pain is
your pain.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Kryten, you forget.  Not only do I possess your combined
intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage
and anger, magnified many times.  I'm capable of quite insanely
irrational behaviour.  Watch.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LEGION places his left hand flat on the table.  He then takes the scalpel
in his right hand, and stabs himself in the back of his hand.  The others
all react to the terrible pain that they, too, are now feeling.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up... here

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But what about the sculptures and the masterpieces and the
technology?  Where does that come from?
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] My first incarnation.  I was host to the five most brilliant
minds of their generation.  They were experimenting in collective
intelligence.  I was the product of that research.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Heideger, Quayle and the others   the composite of their genius?
Your mind must have been extraordinary!
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] But all too soon old age began to kill them, and as each one
died, I became less, until I was nothing, just a mindless essence
swirling around the remnants of my acheivements, waiting to exist
again.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] There's just one thing that still baffles me.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What's that?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Everything.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, permission to test a supposition..
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Granted.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] trust me, sir.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN picks up a chair, and uses it to clobber LISTER over the head.  As
LISTER hits the floor, out cold, LEGION removes his mask.  The elements
of LEGION's face which came from LISTER vanish.  Curiously, LEGION makes
no move to intervene.  KRYTEN approaches CAT.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's going down here?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The gestalt requires our consciousness in order to exist.
Therefore, as each of us becomes unconscious, his power diminishes.
Permission to lay you out, sir?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Do what you gotta, but don't mess up my hair.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Thank you.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN lays CAT out, then approaches RIMMER.  The yellow goit backs away.
KRYTEN walks towards him.  As he does so, he picks up a large blue vase
and hides it behind his back.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Kryten, there has to be a more effective escape plan than this.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, come back.  You're just delaying the inevitable.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  I can't help it:  I'm allergic to being hit.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You won't feel a thing.  I'll
render you unconcious using the Ionian Nerve Grip.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER tenses up, closes his eyes and grits his teeth.  KRYTEN pinches
him on the shoulder... then smashes him over the head with the vase.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip!  That's smashing me over the
head with a vase!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip.  Now stand still
while I hit you!
[:np] [:ra 245]

He picks up a platter, and uses it to what RIMMER over the head.  RIMMER
staggers, but doesn't go down.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Your hard light drive's tougher than vindalooed mutton!
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN looks for a possible weapon.  He spots one, and points to it.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] This'll do the trick.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He rips the heavy looking pipe free from the wall.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You can't be serious!
[:np] [:ra 245]

Thump!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Harder!
[:np] [:ra 245]

THUMP!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  HARDER!
[:np] [:ra 245]

THUMP!!!!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  HARDER!!!
[:np] [:ra 245]

THUMP!!! THUMP!!! THUMP!!!!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Stop!  Stop!  STOP!
[:np] [:ra 245]

He staggers slightly and shakes his head.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Oh, for God's sake!  If you want a job doing properly, do it
yourself!
[:np] [:ra 245]

He walks over to a nearby wall and starts thumping his head against it
while KRYTEN strikes him from behind with the pipe.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Bash!  Thump!  Bash!  Thump!  Bash!  Thump!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  STOP!
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN continues hitting him.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  STOP, Kryten!  Clearly this is not working.  I'm a hard light
hologram, and as such un knockoutable.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hmm.  I think you're right, sir.
[:np] [:ra 245]

THUMP!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Kryten!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm sorry, sir.  I just thought that if I took you unawares...
[:np] [:ra 245]

THUMP!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Kryten!! I'm trying to think, you rubber headed eunuch!  
Right, got it.  Turn off my light bee.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I can't, sir.  I can't penetrate hard light.  You'll have to
extract it yourself.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER presses one hand to his stomach.  His face twists with the
effort... and he vanishes.  KRYTEN turns to face LEGION, as the elements
of RIMMER's features vanish from LEGION, and he comes to resemble only
KRYTEN.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now we are even.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I am merely you.  Stalemate.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Not so.  Since the only ingredients in your psyche are mine, you
are now incapable of malice.  And because a human life takes precedent
over the life of any mechanical, you are in fact compelled to assist
our safe passage to Starbug.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] As long as the others remain unconscious, your logic is
impeccable.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER stirs and starts to wake up.  Still watching LEGION, KRYTEN lifts
his head and bounces it off the floor.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You take the Cat, I'll take Mr.  Lister.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] In many ways I am relieved.  To have shared their psyches, their
neuroses, their strange drives:  returning to a limbo state of non 
existence seems like promotion.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] One last thing:  in your original incarnation, when you were
composed of all those great minds, did you ever develop anything which
might assist our pursuit of Red Dwarf?
[_<800>]

[:np] [:ra 245]

Starbug departing Legion's Space Station.

Starbug Engine Room.

Later, in Starbug, they all gather around LEGION's invention, which is
bolted to the floor of the Engine Room.  It is a strange contraption,
rather like a three foot high silver spinning top in a metal framework.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Here we go:  initiating ignition sequence.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is this gonna work?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, I see no reason why not, sir.  All tests bear out, it is
indeed a fully functional stardrive.  If we've linked it correctly to
the Bug's existing engines, we'll be able to catch up with Red Dwarf in
a matter of nanoseconds!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but it's bound to go wrong, isn't it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It always does for us, every time.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He's right!  There isn't a dog in hell's chance this stardrive is
actually gonna work.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sirs, haven't we learned over the past two days that if we all
pull together we can become greater than the sum of our parts.  That if
we are of one mind and one intent, there are no boundaries to what we
can acheive.  This stardrive is going to work:  do we believe?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Do.  We.  Believe?
OTHERS[:ra 245]

They switch it on.  The stardrive starts to glow and spin.  As its rate
of spin increases, it starts to rise.  Higher... higher... the cables
connecting it to the engines part one by one in pyrotechnic showers of
sparks as the stardrive takes off and flies around the engine room,
finally crashing out through the hull.  As they are being sucked towards
the gaping hole:

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, we know one thing, sir!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What's that?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It does work!

[:np] [:ra 245]
The End