RED DWARF Series 6, Episode 3, "Gunmen of The Apocalypse"

[:phone on ]

[:np] In this exciting episode, our friends still haven't caught up to Red Dwarf. After a while in this episode, a big uggly virus infects the navicomp. What will the virus do to the navicomp? Is it possible to remove the virus? Is Red Dwarf going to come back? Come aboard and find out! 

[_<800>]
[_<800>]

[:np] [:ra 245]
Dockside. Black And White.

The city:  unknown.  The time:  midnight.  A bell tolls mournfully in the
distance, and waves lap against the side of the docks.  A staccato rap of
heels sounds   through the fog, growing steadily louder, until a woman
steps through the mists into the harsh glare of the streetlights.  She is
carrying two heavy suitcases;  she drops these and stands, silently
waiting.  A black '38 Bentley glides to a  stop a few metres away, and a
detective steps out.  As he approaches her, he  draws out a packet of
cigarettes.

[:nd] Maybe it's the moonlight but I've got to admit you're looking
pretty good for a corpse.
[:np] [:ra 245]

He lights the cigarrete, and the light from the match throws his features
into  sharp illumination; DAVE LISTER

[:nk] Philip, I can explain everything.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let me save you the trouble.  It was you that planned Pallisters
murder, but your twin sister Maxine squibbed him off.  You decided to
take the rap, knowing you had the perfect alibi in me.  That's why you
came on so strong that night:  Play me for the dumb sap I am.
[:nk] Philip, it wasn't like that, not with you.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh yeah?
[:nk] So what you going to do, turn me in?  Watch me do the sit down
dance in the electric chair at Sing Sing?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, sweetlips, I'm gonna let you kiss me.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Starbug Ops Room.

LISTER is wearing a Artificial Reality Headset and grinding his hips
rythmically, fumbling at an imaginary bra strap and sticking his tounge
down an imaginary throat.  KRYTEN walks into the Ops Room at this moment.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir I think you should come and take a look at this.

LISTER continues to fumble at the straps.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir it really is quiet urgent.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I want you Loretta, I want you body next to mine.  I want you
like you were that Tuesday night.  Kiss me.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Honestly, you haven't been off this machine in a month!

[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Dockside. Black And White.

Philip and LORETTA are still stood on the dock.

[:nk] Philip, I don't understand.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's simple Loretta, this isn't real, it's an AR computer
simulation game.  I'm supposed to hand you over to the cops and wind up
with the goody goody heroine.  I've played it before.  It's just that
you drive me wild.  You're the sexiest computer sprite I've ever seen.
[:nk] Ohh Philip.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't care that you've killed three men...
[:nk] Five.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] ...whatever.  It's not your fault, it's the way you're
programmed.
[:nk] So you take me for what I am   a pyschopathic, scizophrenic,
serial killing femme fatale?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Forgive and forget, that's what I say.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Starbug Ops Room.

In Starbug KRYTEN is accessing the AR console to enter the game.  The
game's name   "Gumshoe"   is shown on the console and KRYTEN is asked to
select a character.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Choose you chracter.  OHHHGGHHH, honestly, I just want to talk to
him.  Ohhh anything, Sammy the Squib, crack shot with Tommy gun,
engage.  Ohhh, it's so frivolous!

KRYTEN enters the game as his snaps down his headset.

[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]


Dockside. Black And White.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mr Lister sir ??

The Black Bentley from earlier is still on the dockside.  The suspension
is rocking backwards and forwards making a squeaking noise.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hmmm, curious.

[:np] [:ra 245]
KRYTEN Knocks on the car's rear window.  LISTER winds down the window and
puts his head out.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hi Kryten.  What are you doing here?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I've just got the results of the chemical scan, I've
discovered minute amounts of millenium oxide in the local vicinity.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Couldn't be more pleased for you.  See you in an hour.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I believe we've wandered accidentally into a rogue simulant
hunting zone.  That would explain the devastation on the derelicts
where we picked up this very game.
[:nk] Philip, who is it?

LORETTA sticks her head of the car.

[:nk] Ohhh, it's Sammy the Squib.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Orrrhh, good evening Miss.
[:nk] Don't kill me Sammy, I'll do anything, kill him.  I'll come away
with you Sammy, it'll be just like the old days.  I never stopped
loving you Sammy.  Kiss me.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're trash, aren't you?
[:nk] I'm programmed to be trash.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't resist her Kryten, get back in the car.  I never fall for
women who are any good for me Kryten, it's either heartbreakers or
moral garbage on legs.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, you have to turn off the AR console.  We have to close down
and continue on silent running in order to avoid detection.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] 10 minutes.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] 5 minutes, I'll keep my hat on.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now.
[:nk] Philip?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'll be back sweetlips.  Stay bad.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

LISTER and KRYTEN clap hands and leave the game.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Starbug Ops Room.

They both remove their game helmets.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, you are a total gooseberry.  Next time I play on the AR
machine I'm going to give you some money and send you to the pictures.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Starbug Cockpit.

RIMMER and CAT are standing and sat respectively.  There is a powering
down noise and all the lights dim.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]At last, we have silent running.  OK, long range scanners are
down   the only early warning we've got is you.  Stay alert.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] OK bud, I'll keep my nose peeled.
[_<800>]


[:np] [:ra 245]
Starbug Mid section.

RIMMER enters from the cockpit whilst LISTER and KRYTEN come down from
the Ops Room above via the stairs.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]You took your time.  Where've you been?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I was in the AR machine.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Again??
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What'd you mean again?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Everyone knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That is not true.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Yes, true.  It's pathetic watching you grind away day after day.
It's like a dog that's missing it's masters leg.  That groinal
attachment's supposed to have a lifetimes gurantee, you've worn it out
in nearly three weeks.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That is an outrageous scandalous piece of libel.  I don't just
play the role play games.  What about the sporting simulations?  Like
zero gee kick boxing and Wimbledon.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]You only play Wimbledon cos you're having it off with that jail
bait ball girl.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is another total lie.  She's not jail bait, she's seventeen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Lister, she's a computer sprite, and surely that's the point;
she's just a load of pixels.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but what pixels!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]


Starbug Cockpit.

CAT and KRYTEN are sitting at the controls.  LISTER enters, followed by
RIMMER.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's all the hullabaloo?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We've wandered into rouge simulant country.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Bio mechanical killers created for a war that never took place.
Some of them escaped the dismantelling programme and now they prowl
around deep space searching for a quarry worthy of their mettle.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]I say we should abandon the pursuit of Red Dwarf and flee from
the zone.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Give up the chase?  Are you kidding?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wait, my nose is getting something.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Powering up.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Scanners report a battle class cruiser on intercept.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's rougue simulants all right.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Recommend immediate total and unequivical surrender.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, surrender is the worst thing we could do.  They despise
humans and all forms of humanoid life.  They believe you to be the
vermin of the universe sir.  
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I didn't know they'd met him.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Getting a message.  Punching it up.
[:np] [:ra 245]

A face appears on KRYTEN's screen.
Its a simulant captain!
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]State your species and purpose.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]One of us will have to speak to them.  Who's the least human
looking?  Listy, the mike's all yours.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait a minute.  I've got an idea.  Stall them with static.
Kryten mid section.  Cat, you too.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The three move through to the mid section.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]Why do you delay?  State your species and
purpose.  You have one minute.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Lister, what the hell are you doing?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait a minute, nearly ready... OK, stand by to transmit.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Simulant Ship. Dark.

The cockpit of the simulant ship.  Two simulants, the Captain and a
lieutanant, are at their controls.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]: Incoming.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The monitor comes to life.  What appears to be a strange alien life form
comes on screen.  It is, in fact, the bottom half of LISTER's face, shot
upside down below the nose.  Taped to his chin is one of  Kryten's
eyeball's.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I am Tarka Dall, an ambassador of the great Vindaloovian Empire.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]Scanners report a human life on your vessel.  Is this
so?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Humans!  The Vindaloovian People despise all humans.  They
are the vermin of the Universe.  Is that not right Bindi Baji?
[:np] [:ra 245]

The screen pans to CAT, who is in the same disguise.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You bet, we hate them.  Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The Vinadloovian Empire is pledged to exterminate them all.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]


Mid section.

RIMMER walks through from the cockpit just as the SIMULANT CAPTAIN beams
aboard Starbug.  LISTER and CAT, bent backwards over the scanner table,
are not in any position to notice him, and neither is KRYTEN, whose eyes
they are using.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We will not rest until out task is completed.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Errrrrr, Lister.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER and CAT sit up from the scanning table.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hi.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How's it going Bud ?
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER and CAT hand the eyeballs back to KRYTEN, who screws them in.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]A human, a humanoid, a hologrammatical human and a
mechanoid who is a slave to humans.  I had hoped for so much more.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of
war.  Ergo, we surrender.  And as prisoners of war I invoke the All
Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] 39436175880932/B.  "All nations attending the conference are only
allocated one parking space".  Is that entirely relevant, sir?  I mean,
here we are in mortal danger, and you're worried about the Chinese
delegates bringing two cars?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Can't you let just one go?  I was talking about the right of P O 
W's to non violent constraint.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But that's 75880932/C, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]It's embarrassing as much as anything else.  Here you are totally
humiliating me in front of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac...... no
offence.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]Primitive!  You will be no sport at all.  I have no
alternative.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The SIMULANT CAPTAIN shoots RIMMER, KRYTEN, LISTER and CAT before they
can move.  They all slump to the ground.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Starbug Cockpit.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The crew awaken in the Starbug's cockpit, sat at their controls.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]How long have we been out?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] According to the navicomp, three weeks.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Strange.. the drive interface has been upgraded, and so have the
engines.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]And if this readout is correct, we've been armed.  Laser cannons.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They've totally upgraded the whole ship.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The SIMULANT CAPTAIN's face appears on the monitor.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]We have made some improvements to your craft.  Now at
least you may prove to be of some small amusement.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]: You have two Earth minutes before we attack.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Let's get out of here.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wait, I know this game.  It's called cat and mouse, and there's only
one way to win; don't be the mouse.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you saying?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm saying, the mouse never wins.  Not unless you believe those
lying cartoons.  We don't run, we strike.  It's the last thing they'll
be expecting.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into
ice skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero.  And your plan makes
about as much sense.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I say go with it.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Agreed.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You're going to go with one of my plans?  Are you nuts?  What
happens if we all get killed?  I'll never hear the last of it!
[:np] [:ra 245]

Starbug pivots in flight and fires it's new laser cannons into the side
of the simulant ship.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]


Simulant Ship.

The simulants look worried.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]What are they doing?  Power up the weapons!

[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Starbug Cockpit.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nailed them.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Simulant Ship.

[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]: Fluke hit.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]Take them with us.
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]: Can't return fire.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]Hack into their navigation computer.  Transmit the
Armageddon Virus.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Starbug cockpit.

The Navicomp starts to spark.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What is it ?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The navicomp, something's wrong.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]See you in Silicon Hell.

[:np] [:ra 245]

The simulant ship explodes.


[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Shutdown all network links.  The navicomp has been infected with
a virus.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The navicomp has frozen us out, we're locked on this course.  If
we carry on ahead at this speed, how long before we hit trouble?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Well if you define trouble as a rather large moon directly in our
path, about 38 minutes.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself,
analyze it's structure and attempt to create a software antidote before
it wipes out my core program.  Do I have your permission to sacrifice
myself, sirs?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Do Lemmings like cliffs?  Granted!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I am going to have to create a dove program.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Dove program?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A dove program spreads peace through the system, obliterating the
viral cells as it goes.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN puts on head sensors and contracts the virus from the navicomp.
[:np] [:ra 245]

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The virus is extremely complex.  I will have to dedicate all my
run time to its solution.  Shutting down all non essential systems.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is there anything we can do?  Can we help?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Watch my dreams.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Ops Room

KRYTEN lies on the medi bed whilst the others are gathered round him.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]23 minutes to impact.  Any change?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Getting worse.  Weaker and weaker.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Look, sooner or later we are going to have to face the fact that
we are not all going to get out of this in one piece.  Or if we are,
it's going to one big flat piece.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]It's time we decided who's going to take the one man escape pod.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair
and equitable system of choosing who should survive.  It's based on
age, rank, seniority, usefulness, and to cut a long story short, it's
me.  I was a stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount.
Well, blow me if it didn't come out as me again.  Keys.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Why not?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It escaped last Thursday.  I was having a few beers, I couldn't
be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.
Whhoossshhh.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]That's it then, we're finished.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wait, we're getting something.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[:np] [:ra 245]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The monitor clears and KRYTEN is shown, dressed as a Sheriff in an 1800's
Western town.  He is drunk.  He throws an empty whisky bottle away before
pausing before a wanted poster of the Apocalypse boys and entering a
saloon.

[:np] [:ra 245]

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is this?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I think we've tapped directly into whatever passes for Kryten's
sub concious.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Why's he a Sheriff in some old western?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Must be how his core program is coping with the battle against
the virus.  For whatever reason it's converted the struggle into some
kind of dream.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Saloon. Day.

Busy.  A PIANO PLAYER plays a honky tonk version of Red Dwarf theme:
KRYTEN enters  and tries to steer his way towards the bar.  He passes
JIMMY   a smooth oaf,  playing cards with some unruly COWPOKES.

[:nf] Well, well, well sheriff, fancy seeing a man of your sober
disposition in a low down drinking establishemnt.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now, now boys, I don't want any trouble.  Just doing my rounds.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

As KRYTEN steps toward the bar JIMMY trips him up.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You shouldn't ought to have done that Jimmy.
[:np] [:ra 245]

There is a scrape of stools and tables and JIMMY stands, hands on guns.

[:nf] Why don't you try it, Sheriff.  They say you used to be faster
than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sorry I tripped over your boot there Mr Jimmy sir.  Arrrhhheeemm.
Didn't mean any harm by it.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN turns to the bar.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola, and
make it the smooth stuff.  The stuff where you get your eyesight back
after two days.  Guaranteed.
[:nf] The Apocalypse boys is here.  They's asking for you, Sheriff.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'll be right out.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN takes numerous gulps of whisky before leaving the saloon to face
the Apocalypse boys on the porch.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Streets Of Laredo. Day.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

The FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE sit menacingly on horseback outside
the saloon.  The bat wing doors part and a nervous KRYTEN emerges
swigging from a bottle of hooch.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't believe I've had the pleasures, sirs.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

DEATH spits out some chewing tobacco, which fizzles on the street like
acid.

[:nw] The name's Death.  And these here're my brothers.  Brother War...
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

WAR laughs and flames shoot out of his mouth.

[:nw] Brother Famine...
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Fat FAMINE nods and takes a bite of chicken.

[:nw] and Brother Pestilence.
[:np] [:ra 245]

PESTILENCE grins, showing horrible broken teeth.  He swipes idly at the
swarm of buzzing flies around his head.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, you seem like a nice neighbourly bunch of boys.  How can I
be of service?
[:np] [:ra 245]

All FOUR APOCALYPSE BOYS draw, shooting KRYTEN's hat off, and his bottle
from his  hand, as he dances around trying to avoid the hail of bullets.
Finally the  gunfire stops.

[:nw] We want your sorry ass out of here.  You got one hour.
[:np] [:ra 245]

DEATH spits a sizzler again, and THE FOUR HORSEMEN turn and gallop under
a dangling sign:  'YOU ARE NOW LEAVING EXISTENCE', and as the HORSEMEN
ride under it, they disappear.  KRYTEN takes off his sheriff's star and
throws it on the ground.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]


Ops Room.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's losing the battle.  Look at his lifesigns, they're barely
registering.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him?  Somehow turn
ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream?  Isn't
there some sort of gizmo lying around someplace that can do that?  And
if not hand) why not?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Look, I think we've all got something we can bring to this
discussion.  But I think from now on the thing you should bring is
silence.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, no, no, I think he's got something.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Twice in one lifetime!  When you're hot, you're hot.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] If we link up the artificial reality console to Kryten's mind, we
should be able to project directly into his dream state like it was a
normal computer game.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What did I tell you?  We don't even have to leave the room!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]What about me?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We'll shut all extraneous systems and power up your hard light
drive.  Come on guys, lets get these wagons rolling.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER, CAT and RIMMER are gathered round the AR console making
selections on the screen.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There we go, I've loaded in some characters from an AR western
game.  Choose a  player from 1 to 3.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Two.
[_<800>]

The image and stats of The Riveria Kid are shown on the console.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Here you go, you're the Riveria Kid, special skills ace gun
slinger.  Rimsy?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Uno.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The image and stats of Dan are shown on the screen.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] One.  Dangerous Dan McGrew,special skills, bare fist fighting.
Which leaves me with Brett Riverboat, knife man.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]And we definitely can't get hurt?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, it's just like a normal computer game, you can get out at
anytime.  There's a button on the inside of the glove, when you want to
get out, just clap.  OK, Riveria, OK Dangerous.  Lets mosey on into
town.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Flipping down the AR visors, they assume horse riding positions and start
to "gallop".
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Streets Of Laredo. Day.

Through a swirling mist LISTER, CAT and RIMMER gallop into town.  They
dismount before the saloon and, tying their horses to the hitching post,
enter through the bat wing doors.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Saloon. Day.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The three step up to the bar.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Dry white wine and Perrier please.  And what about you two chaps?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, what westerns have you seen?  Butch Accountant and the
Yuppie Kid?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Leave this to me, this sounds like one for the Riveria Kid !!!
[:np] [:ra 245]

As CAT speaks his character's name he throws back his hands and dances a
little Mexican dance accompanied by a Spanish Guitar.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Ehhh, Senorita, tequila porfavore.
[:nu] What?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He means three shots of gulping whisky, mam.
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT and LISTER down their shots in one.  Shocked expressions, hoarse
voices;

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Very smooth.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I was expecting something with a little more kick to it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] his I don't suppose you've got
any ginger ale mixers.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LOLA spits into RIMMER's face.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]I'll take that as a no then, I'll have it neat.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER downs the whisky, gulping.  The smile freezes on his face.  He
grabs the hat being used as the pot in a card game, and is sick into it.
Music and talk stop.  The owner of the hat stands and looms, making
RIMMER look shorter than a Clint Eastwood speech.  Chairs scrape back
from tables.

BEAR STRANGLER MCGEE: A man beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler Mcgee,
he's either mighty brave or mighty stupid.  Which are you, boy?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Sorry, what were the choices again?
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER hands some money to MCGEE.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You'll have to forgive our friend, he's a souple of Gunmen short
of a posse.
BEAR STRANGLER MCGEE: That pays for the hat.  What about the insult?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]OK.  You're a fat bearded git with breath that could knock out a
grizzly.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Take the
lot, man.  Rimmer, what is wrong with you?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Relax!  You said yourself, Lister, no one can hurt us.  Besides,
you're forgetting:  I'm Dangerous Dan McGrew, Bare Fist Fighter Extra 
ordinaire.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN enters the saloon carrying a small wooden box.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Here Lola, all my valuables are in this here box.  You can have
it all for one bottle of mind rotter.
[:nu] You're trading in your shooting irons?
[:np] [:ra 245]

The box contains guns and some carrots.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No use to me.  I've got the shakes so bad, I'm like a couple of
porcupines on their wedding night.
[:nu] Carrots?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Mr Sad Git or what?
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER leans over to KRYTEN.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten it's us, man.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sorry friend, I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, don't you know who we are, why you're here?  You're
fighting an electronic virus, you're trying to create a dove program.
Some sort of software antidote to wipe it out.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'll drink to that.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Listen to him pooch head, the virus is winning, you've got to get
your head together and start fighting it.
[:np] [:ra 245]

There is a sudden crack as JIMMY gets the bottle off KRYTEN using a bull
whip.  He then dangles the drink temptingly in front of KRYTEN.

[:nf] Want a drink Sheriff?  Why don't you come and take one?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now now Jimmy, there's no need to be going make me look foolish.
[:nf] Come on Sheriff, jump!  You can get higher than that!
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER steps forward.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Leave him alone.
[:nf] Just having a little fun, Mr Swankypants.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The names Brett Riverboat, knifeman.  Let's see how
good you are.
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER demonstrates some brilliant knifework by disarming JIMMY and
pinning him to the wall.

[:nf] Son of a....
[:np] [:ra 245]

LISTER finishes up by throwing an apple into JIMMY's mouth.

[:nf] Frank, Nuke, line his lungs with lead.
[:np] [:ra 245]

As the two Gunmen stand up, the CAT steps forward.

[:nf] Who in the heck are you?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The call me the Kid, the Riveria Kid!!
[:np] [:ra 245]

Cue the CAT's Riveria Kid dance.

[:nf] Well, Riveria Kid, let's see if your shooting is a fancy as your
dancing.
[:np] [:ra 245]

FRANK and NUKE both draw and fire off a shot each.  Back to the CAT, who
casually draws and fires.  There are two mid air flashes half way between
the CAT and the GUNFIGHTERS, and two bullets clatter to the floor.

[:nf] He shot the damn bullets out of the air!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, it's been mighty dandy meeting you boys, but if I'm not out
of here by sun up the buzzards will be fighting the lizards for my
gizzards.
[:np] [:ra 245]

KRYTEN makes a run for the door.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] If he leaves town, we're dead.  Stop him!
[:np] [:ra 245]

As the three try to follow KRYTEN from the saloon they are attacked by
some of the patrons.  RIMMER puts his bare fist fighting skills into
practice by beating up the three men.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Marvellous.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER dusts himself down and leaves the saloon.

[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

KRYTEN is running for the town's edge.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey buddy!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Hold it!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You gotta stay!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This is a job for the Riveria Kid!
[:np] [:ra 245]

CAT does the Riviera Kid dance, draws his gun, and fires.  The bullet
hits a tin bath and ricochets across the street, where it hits a bell and
ricochets again.  Wide shot of the street as the bullet zig zags towards
KRYTEN, finally severing the support on one side of the dangling
'EXISTENCE' sign, which swings down and flattens KRYTEN.  The other three
gather round the fallen mechanoid.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But boys you don't understand, I've got to leave.  Look 
it's ten to Death.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, we've got ten minutes to sober him up and get him in shape.
Come on.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]


Sheriff's Office.

RIMMER and LISTER are sat with KRYTEN.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I just can't eat anymore raw coffee.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Two more bowls.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But I am sober, honest!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, who are you and why're you here?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus, and none of
this exists, it's all in a fever, except for you guys, who really do
exist, only you're not really here, you're really on some space ship in
the future.  Hell, if that's got to make sense I don't want to be
sober!
[:np] [:ra 245]

The CAT enters via some stairs.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I got his guns back, and look at the handles.  They've got little
doves carved on them, and check this, there's no place for the bullets
to go.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This is it Kryten, the answer's in these guns somehow.  Doves,
dove program.
[:np] [:ra 245]

The CAT wanders over to the window as KRYTEN looks at the guns.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wait, somethings coming back now.  You sir.
Whenever I look at you I get an image of curry and early morning breath
that could cut through bank vaults.  You sir.  There's
something familiar about you too, I get a name, SmmmEE, SmmEEgGG
HHHeeeDD.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Smeghead?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's it!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]He remembers me.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The guns Kryten, do the guns mean anything to you?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Something, they mean something... if only I had more time.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] PSSSTTT, company.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The APOCALYPSE BOYS walk slowly through the swirling mists and stop at
the far end of the street.  KRYTEN steps out of the Sheriff's Office
followed by LISTER, RIMMER and CAT.  They fan out across the street.

[:nw] Got yourself a little help there, Sheriff?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now I remember you.  You're a computer virus, travelling from
machine to machine, overwriting the core program.
[:nw] Have infection, will travel:  that's me.  Lets see if we can't tip
the balance  here a little...
[:np] [:ra 245]

DEATH points his arm to the heavens and a lightning bolt emerges from it.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Starbug Ops Room.

The screen of the AR console is shown.  The special skills that the
characters have are being erased.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Streets Of Laredo. Day.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is he doing?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]He's stalling.  He's spotted us for what we are:  a bunch of mean
macho bad ass desperados.  We're going to kick his boney butt clean
across the town.  Enjoy the show.  Who's got
the guts to go with me one on one, hand to hand, mano et mano?
[:np] [:ra 245]

WAR steps forwards.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cover him.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Whilst drawing his guns CAT fumbles them.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Damn, I've lost my special skills.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER steps over to a hitching post and tries to lift off the cross bar,
and  fails.  WAR does the same and succeeds.  RIMMER tries again and
still fails.  LISTER also discovers that he has lost his special skills
by throwing his knife over his shoulder.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit.  We've lost our
special skills.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Ahhh, Mr War sir, it would appear that due to circumstances
completely beyond  my control, there's been a bit of a cock up in the
bravado department.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER is hit over the head with the wooden cross bar by WAR.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I
am.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Exit, exit.
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER attempts to exit the game by clapping his hands, he cannot, he
turns his constant clapping into a castanet dance, before being hit over
the head again by WAR.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We're sealed in.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Get the helmets off.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]It won't move.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat the back.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I got one of my gloves off..........and a boot too.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Ohh brilliant, now you're paralysed compeletely down your left
hand side.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Starbug mid section.

CAT is seen trying to wrench LISTER's helmet off.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Laredo.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ohhh, me nose!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I've almost got it.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're pulling my nose off!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Here it comes.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The helmet's coming off.
[:np] [:ra 245]

[_<800>]
Starbug Ops Room.

LISTER's helmet comes free.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Streets Of Laredo. Day.

LISTER disapears from the game.  CAT also fades from the game, leaving
only RIMMER to face the Boys.

[:nw] We're gonna cut you up so small the worms aren't even going to
have to chew.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]You can't frighten me, I'm always scared.  LISTERRRRR!
[:np] [:ra 245]

RIMMER fades from the game just as the boys bear down on him to stab him.

Starbug Ops Room.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What now?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's down to Kryten.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Streets OF Laredo. Day.

KRYTEN is left alone on the street to face the GUNMEN.

[:nw] Well Sheriff.  Now it's just little old you.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm not afraid Mr Death sir.  I believe my friends have bought me
enough time to complete the antidote program.  Now, if you'll forgive
the rather confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum
sucking mollascs.
[:np] [:ra 245]

 The GUNMEN draw and fire.  Four shots slam into KRYTEN's chest.
He staggers, then straightens, and draws both his guns.  As the guns
leave his holsters they transform into white doves, which soar off into
the sky.  The GUNMEN collapse and slowly fade away.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]


Starbug Ops Room.

KRYTEN comes round in Starbug.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I did it!  I created an antidote.
[:np] [:ra 245]


The four rush into the cocpit.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

 Cockpit.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Two minutes till impact.  Come on!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]How long will it take?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Just a few seconds.  How long to
impact?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]Just a few seconds.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Loading it up... it's going into the navicomp.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]8 seconds, 7.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Nearly there.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] 5, 4, 3 ,2
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We're not going to make it!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] IMPACT.
[:np] [:ra 245]

Starbug crashes into a sea of lava and disappears.  Silence.  Only a few
bubbles of bursting gas break the surface.

Suddenly, Starbug emerges from the molten lava, it's hull in flames.
Picking up speed, it climbs into the sky at a dizzying angle.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Starbug Cockpit.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] YEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

Starbug flies into the distance and fades from view.


The End.