[:phone on] RED DWARF Series 6 Episode 4, "Emohawk, Polymorph II" [:np] In this episode, our friends are confronted with gelfs. The polymorth or Emohawk, oncee again appears on the ship. As you can remember from the previous episode, a polymorth can suck out an immotion. Are there going to be any immotions lost? And what about those gelfs, are they going to kill / harm the crew? Come aboard and find out! [_<800>] [_<800>] [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] External view of Starbug. Starbug Sleeping Quarters. Morning. RIMMER enters at a run as alert sirens start to blare. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] SCRAMBLE,SCRAMBLE. All hands on deck, emergency drill, scramble! [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER runs out of the room. Close up of LISTER's face... with no sign of life. RIMMER walks back in. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Er, perhaps you didn't catch that. I said SCRAMBLE! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, that'll be great with bacon and beans, man. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, Starbug is a blazing inferno, the engine room is waist deep in rocket fuel and we're being attacked off the starboard bow by an unidentified craft! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Really? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, of course not really. It's a drill. We're pretending that Starbug is on fire and under attack. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And I'm pretending to scramble, man. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, you've got 30 seconds to get out of bed or I'm declaring you officially dead. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER leaves the room. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Good, then we can rest in peace. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug Cockpit. RIMMER and kryten are sat at the controls, a red alert sign flashes in the background. LISTER walks in, sighing and pulling himself together, and sits in the copilot's chair. CAT follows and sits in the pilot's chair. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Congratulations, scrambling in a red alert situation, a new record time..... 1 hour 17 minutes and 39 seconds. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey, not bad! And I bet we could bet it down to 1,16 if we cut out that fourth round of toast. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You think I'm a petty-minded beauraucratic nincompoop, who delights in enforcing pernickety regulations because he gets some sort of perverse pleasure from it, and in many ways you're absolutely damn right, but that doesn't alter the fact that the only way we're going to track down Red Dwarf and get through this is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose and wherever possible a sensible haircut. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going back to bed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Would it harm you to have hair like mine? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircuts? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, surely not, sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Think about it, why did the US Cavalry beat the Indian Nation? Short back and sides versus girly hippy locks. The cavaliers and the roundheads.. one-nil to the pudding basins. Vietnam, crew cuts both sides... no score draw. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, for a really world class psychiatrist. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Check your screens, I'm getting something up my left nostril and it's coming in fast. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Umm, scans are all negative. At the risk of challenging your olfactory excellence sir, perhaps a resmelling is in order. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm telling you bud, my nostril hairs are shimmying faster than a grass skirt on a fat Hawaain hula hoop champion. There's something out there. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Scans still dry. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's it. I'm invoking space corp directive 6_8_2_5_0. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] 6_8_2_5_0? But sir, surely thats impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Forget it. Forget I was ever born. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry will clear up the screen problem. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait a minute, getting something. Major power surge off the port bow. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He's right. Some kind of vessel. It appears to be uncloaking. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's too damn close. That power surge'll toss us around like we're a bead of sweat in an aerobic teacher's buttock cleavage. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hang on here it comes. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug is rocked by some sort of shock wave. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Damage report! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Superficial, navicomps down, slight rupture in fuel pipe 9... and somehow the pilot's headset has got jammed on the country and western channel. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Second wave coming! [:np] [:ra 245] External view of Starbug as it flies toward the camera, some sort of spinning disc/orb flies past very close to Starbug, into the foreground and back towards Starbug again. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] [_<800>] Starbug Cockpit. The crew are thrown about as Starbug is shaken by another wave. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What's he thinking of, warping that close to another vessel. DAMN SPACE HOG. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My god, that's a Space Corp external enforcement vehicle. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The space filth! [:np] [:ra 245] "filth" is not dirt but a slang word for police. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A computer controlled enforcement probe. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Incoming. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Property corp space removing, and equipment corp space damaging, ships corp space of series a looting with charged formerly are you. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The materialization must have scrambled it's voice unit. It's making about as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Plead do you how? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's in reverse. How do you plead? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How do we plead to what? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's charging us with looting space corp derelicts. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] But we don't loot space corp derelicts. We just hack our way in and swipe what we need. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] If this goes to trial, I demand seperate lawyers. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's the penalty for this? If it means wearing outfits with arrows on, I'm committing suicide. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Er, no sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and haloes on, sir. The penalty is execution. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why so harsh? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's frontier law sir, and we are the equivalent of horse rustlers. Severe sentencing is the only way of maintaining law and order, don't expect it to show us any mercy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What do we do ? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Let's face it sir, we are as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. But if we admit it it'll blow us out of the stars. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Reccomendations? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Suggest I take the rap for everyone sir. You can say I held you at gunpoint and forced you to do my evil bidding. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] For god's sake kryten, we can't let you do that! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Really? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Dream on, metal trash. Get your hands in the air and step into that searchlight. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Minute one have you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No choices then, we leg it. Plot a course for scarper city. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, a class A enforcement orb can easily outrun us. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240], the Eastbourne zimmer-frame relay team can easily outrun us. It's not about speed, it's about wit, brains and cunning. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hmm, I was hoping it wouldn't come to that, sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Take a look at your screens. We're 7 klicks away from the Gelf Zone. It wouldn't follow us in there in a gazillion years. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, because gelfs are untrustworthy scavengers with no regard for life, law or property. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Right! So we'll be safe. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, you've heard the stories! They skin human beings alive and turn them into bean bags! Unless you want a triple buttocked gelf sitting on your face for the rest of eternity and probing your crevices for lost forks and biros, I suggest you rethink. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's the lesser of two evils sir, in the absence of any sane plan, I suggest we go with Mr Lister's. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Seconds 20 in firing commence will I, reply a of absence in. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Roughly translated... Hit the reheat. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You don't have to tell me twice. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat man, hit the reheat! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh sorry. Looks like you do have to tell me twice. [:np] [:ra 245] External view as Starbug accelerates away from the probe. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Firing commence will I or halt. Starbug Cockpit. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] In which case.... boneybuts our move lets! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Close comms. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Comms closed. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Gelf zone, 6 klicks and closing. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Weapon lock registered. Pulse missile launched. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Impact in 10 seconds. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's it. We're platform shoes, man. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Firing chaffe. Firing flares. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Brace for impact. [:np] [:ra 245] External view of missile streaking across the screen and just missing Starbug. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Missed us! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Warning shot across the bows. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We won't be so fortunate next time. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] 4 klicks to gelf zone. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Another lock, this time it won't be a warning shot. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Incoming pulse fire. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Decoys launched. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's not going to be enough. 6 seconds to impact. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We've got to try and shake them off. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] External view of Starbug swaying from side to side as a missile streaks past, just missing, then Starbug veers off sharply to the left as another missile closes in [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug Cockpit. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We've lost it! [:np] [:ra 245] Big explosion from somewhere further back in Starbug. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sorry. I was looking at the wrong panel. [:np] [:ra 245] External view of starbug engulfed in flames, most particularly from around the nose. Lots of smoke, LISTER is trying to put out a number of fires with a fire extinguisher. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Damage Report! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's bad, looks like Starbugs been hit. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Details, halibut breath! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well according to the damage report machine, there's several small fires in the cockpit, lots of smoke and the navicomp's fizzing. [:np] [:ra 245] One of the consoles in front of the CAT is fizzing. Then something else in front of him explodes. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Oh damn, now the damage report machine has exploded. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Another lock on! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This one's to finish us off. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How far to the Gelf Zone? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Klick and a half. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We've lost 3 fuel tanks, there's barely enough to get us stable. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wait! I'm picking something up. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Got it, putting it on visual. [:np] [:ra 245] One of Starbug's screens changes to show a picture of an asteroid which has been shaped like a skull. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look at that thing, it must be a mile and a half across. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A Gelf icon carved out of solid rock. It must be some kind of warning beacon. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Incoming message. [:nf] Karn nes eh ping. Wah twah morah. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Running it through the translator. [:nr] This is gelf space. Death to the strangers. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Pulse missile launch impact in 12 seconds and counting. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat, head for the eye socket. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The eye socket? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just do it! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Eight seconds. [:np] [:ra 245] External view of asteroid, camera closes in on it. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug Cockpit. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's solid rock. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Three seconds.. two... one. [:np] [:ra 245] External view. Just as Starbug enters the eye socket, the missile impacts on the asteroid's surface, totally obliterating the asteroid. Satrbug emerges from the other side of the exploding rock and is engulfed in flames once more. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Even more smoke. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] 80 percent of the maneuvering thrusters are out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The infrared reports 53 seperate fires. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The sprinkler systems are down on all 3 decks of the engine room. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There's no way to put it out, as soon as it hits the fuel tanks we'll blow. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey wait a minute. Gelf moon bearing 356 by 121. It's got an ocean. Can you get us there? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Does mouseshit roll? I'll get you there, bud. [:np] [:ra 245] External view of Starbug crashing into a big lake. The fires on the outside of the ship go out immediately. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug mid-section. RIMMER enters carrying a large case and puts it onto a pile of other crates which kryten and the CAT have been stacking up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look at it. All our possesions, all our valuables. Between fire, flood and impact damage we've lost damn near everything. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER leaves, going into the cockpit [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well at least Mr Lister's guitar survived intact. [:np] [:ra 245] CAT takes the guitar and breaks it in two across the cases and then hands it back to [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Not even Mr Lister's guitar survived intact. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER walks in wearing chest high waders. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's waist high down there, but at least I managed to get the pumps working. 3 hours and we'll be dry. [:np] [:ra 245] RIMMER comes back in [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Thrusters, boosters,reheat, auto-repair can take care of everything, except for the oxygeneration unit which is totally kaputzki. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So you're telling me we can take off but we can't breath? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] And we can't repair it? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's a black and charred mess, worse than one of Lister's drunken fry-ups. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, we're snookered. Unless we go out and trade with the gelfs. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Trade? You can't be serious. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, it does appear to be our only option. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Wide shot of Starbug resting half in the lake. A small boat is just leaving it, heading for the shore. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] The lakeshore. Night. LISTER is leading the crew as they hack their way through the tall grass and reeds. He and CAT are carrying one of the chests. Suddenly, an arrow flies through the air and thuds into the chest. As they put it down, kryten removes the arrow and looks at it. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Give me the arrow! It could tell us a whole heckuva lot about who we're dealing with here. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Anything? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yep! This sure came from a bow alright..... I was expecting to get a lot more than that. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hmmm, as we anticipated, they are the Kinitawowi. Good. I have studied the dialect, they are one of the friendlier Kinteteacch, or tribes. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nice welcome! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No sir, it is a great hcanau or honour to be greeted in this manner. They would have killed us the instant we landed if they had taken exception to us. That's a very good sign. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What? It's a good sign they haven't killed us? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Absolutely sir, with the Kinitawowi not skinning you alive the moment they set eyes on you is one of their warmest greetings. We are indeed hcan hcasset or blessed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And Kryten, you are indeed a hcachum babow, or smart alec metal git. [:np] [:ra 245] They cross a small bridge which is on the edge of a village of small mud and thatch huts. It is lit with many torches and as they enter they are confronted by a number of figures wearing long dark robes with the hoods drawn over their faces. [:np] [:ra 245] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I will tell them we are traders in search of an engine part and that we have many rare treasures to trade. Kinitawowi nhich nhichce histan kanoa nakoo bacoo. [:np] [:ra 245] One of the creatures comes forward: the leader. His hood is down and his robe is open. He looks like an ugly Bigfoot {Think of Harry and the Hendersons if you know it} [:np] Transcriber's Note: From this point on we hear a lot of Kinatawowin and I have tried to transcribe it as best I could, but it gives you the idea anyway [:nd] Nuyer neeal deg dayer. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, look what we got. We got ehmm, swiss watches, nice watches. Levi jeans! Hey! A hat, look at this. Hehehey nice hat. Cigar? Cool dude! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] gelfs have their sphinctral orifices in their faces Let's hope you haven't offended him. No, he seems quite pleased. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We need an oxygeneration unit, savvy? [:nd] Uhh, unh? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Agi gan bachwoo machuwahwah [:nd] Alees tada. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat, get the case man. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Gelf Hut. It is quite cramped with all of them in there. There is a fire in the middle of the hut. The crew are sat on one side and the gelfs on the other. The gelf leader, who is talking to one of the other gelfs, has a strange creature in one arm. It is not too dissimilar to the alien from Aliens only a lot smaller. The gelf leader is feeding this creature [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It seems to be going well. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What is that thing? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's an emohawk sir. A polymorph that is spayed at birth and is half domesticated. It's trained to change shape at it's owners behest like all polymorphs its an emotional leech, it has the ability to steal emotions from living creatures. Emotions are a highly valued trading commodity. [:np] [:ra 245] A gelf appears, carrying an O/G Unit. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ahh, the oxygeneration unit. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Looks like they are ready to fix a price. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I thought we'd already fixed a price with all the bangles and baubles we'd given them. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh no sir, that was just for the honour of entering their watunga, or hut. The bartering proper begins now. [:nd] Rec raht wig dig ana tut pata. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh dear. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? What, you want my hat? [:nd] Ahg nu dewka ana weg bah. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] My jacket? You want my jacket ? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No sir, he doesn't want your jacket. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He doesn't want my longjohns does he? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Not your longjohns either sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well what then? [:nd] Ahg nu dewka ana weg bah. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] ME ! He wants me? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Yes sir, he says in exchange for the oxygeneration unit he wants [:np] [:ra 245] you to be his daughter's mate. Close up of gelf with longing look in her eyes [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's his daughter? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] One of three. Apparently sir she's the looker. [:np] [:ra 245] Close up on gelf again...VERY ugly bigfoot [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tell him, not if she was the last water yeti lookalike in the world and I was the only boy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, come on, Lister, you've dated worse. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Only due to very poor disco lighting. [:nd] Ana beg ewitah og iy con nich kawal bah. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He says: no wedding, no O/G unit. [:np] [:ra 245] GELFS rise to leave [:np] [:ra 245] [:nd] Panta anag ew, panta wa ah. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hmm yes, he's giving us 5 hanaka to decide. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How long's a hanaka? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Curiously enough it's exactly the same as one Earth minute. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] 5 hanaka! That only gives us 28 hours. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, let's get out our sheet music and play the real waltz. There is no way I am going down to Moss Bros for anyone who is less attractive than my own armpit after 20 games of table-tennis. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What about us? You're not going to hang all of us out to dry just because for some reason she doesn't hit your G-spot. What about sacrifice? Putting your friends interests before your own selfish drives. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, it would never work out. She's obviously an Aries, and me and Aries, forget it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, they are a proud people and will not change their minds unless you are prepared to stay here and marry hackhackhack ach hachhachach. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's her name? I could never settle down with anyone who's name sounds like a footballer clearing his nose. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The plan is obvious. We do the trade, you go through with the wedding, when everybody is asleep we come back and rescue you. What do you say? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Not a chance in hell! [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Wedding Watunga. The gelf leader is conducting the ceremony. Pan across to LISTER and his bride. She has flowers and a ribbon in her hair. LISTER has a flower chain around his hat [:nd] Ana dok kaz, ana dok wah, hea. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I do. [:nd] Ana zun keh, zun keh atta. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] :nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's he saying? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Erh, you may kiss the bride sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, without a bag? [:np] [:ra 245] His bride grabs him and embraces him with a passion. As she lets go kryten throws confetti over the happy couple. The gelf throws her bouquet of flowers up and they are caught by RIMMER. An even uglier gelf smiles and waves a dainty wave at RIMMER who quickly stuffs the bouquet into CAT's hands. LISTER is lifted off the ground by his `wife' and as he is carried off screen he calls out to the rest of the crew [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't be strangers guys. Seeya soon. Drop in any time, any time. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Hcanibey yech, onigon yech. [:np] [:ra 245] They bow to each other and then appear to go to shake hands but instead they both lean further forwards around the others back to grab the foot they have each raised and they then shake feet. Kryten, RIMMER and CAT all leave with the O/G unit [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Honeymoon Hut. LISTER is carried in by his bride. She drops him onto the bed and lays on top of him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well darling, what a day I'm pooped, straight to sleep for me. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER tries to pull the blanket over himself but the gelf stops him. [:nb] Nee bonnen nic parnin. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Maybe in the morning, Goodnight! [:np] [:ra 245] The gelf pulls the blanket back down. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've been looking forward to this, haven't you? [:nb] Nack hey. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, just give me a couple of minutes. I want to slip into something a little more comfortable.... it's called Starbug. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER gets up and heads for the door. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Gelf Village. Night. Kryten, RIMMER and CAT are just leaving the village. Suddenly LISTER appears in the background running very fast. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] CHANGE OF PLAN LEG IT! [:np] [:ra 245] They all run off. Further back in the village the gelf comes out of her hut. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER'S [:nb] He's left me, on my wedding night. Men! They're all bastards. [:np] [:ra 245] [:nd] They've taken the O/G unit. No-one steals from the kinitawowi. Fly my beauty, feast on their emotions, drain them dry. [:np] [:ra 245] He Then Releases the Emohawk [_<800>] Woods. Night. The crew are running through the woods [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wait! Somethings coming. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's the emohawk! [:np] [:ra 245] Screaching and flapping sounds. Then the noises stop. All look around warily. CAT picks up a big stick. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What happened? Where did it go? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It must have transmuted into something else. Suggest we proceed with extreme caution. [:np] [:ra 245] They creep along cautiously. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's somewhere close I can smell it. IT'S THE STICK! AAGH! Oh, no it's not. Oh god, I'm so jumpy, I thought it was the stick. [:np] The Stick turns into the emohawk! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] IT IS THE STICK ALL: AAAGHHH! [:np] [:ra 245] They panic and CAT tosses the stick/emohawk away. LISTER's hat falls off. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where is it now? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's gone off into the undergrowth. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER retrieves his hat and puts it on. They move off and LISTER is seen stepping on his hat which is lying where it fell!! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cat, you know what they're like. Stay on the case. Don't pick anything up. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER's hat' has now changed back to the emohawk and is seen perched on LISTER's head. No-one else notices as LISTER is at the back of the party. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] 100 percent concentration at all times. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug mid-section. The crew enter, kryten is carrying the O/G unit, RIMMER and CAT are carrying a deflated rubber dinghy. LISTER is last and seals the outer doors. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's it: we're airtight. Damn thing can't get in now. And all it took was a little bit of concentration. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How long before we can go? We don't really want a visit from Listy's in-laws demanding their wedding present back. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It'll take an hour or so to get the oxygeneration unit set up, but suggest we take off now sir and use emergency supplies until the O/G unit's on line. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What if it doesn't work? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Then Cat and Mr Lister will choke to death. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] A plan with no drawbacks. [:np] [:ra 245] Both exit to the cockpit. The emohawk changes into a hen and moves off into another part of the ship. External shot of starbug lifting off from the surface. [:np] [:ra 245] Cockpit. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Time we fitted that O/G unit. Kryters! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I'm on my way sir. [:np] [:ra 245] They both leave the cockpit [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That smell is still driving me crazy. I've gotta wash my hands. Transfering to auto. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Mid-section. LISTER and kryten are just leaving with the O/G unit. CAT enters. He stops and sniffs the air, a puzzled look on his face. He starts searching for the source of the smell. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Galley. The emohawk is on one of the work surfaces, still in a hen form. It changes into an opened can of baked beans. Cat enters, sniffing along the worktops until he comes to the can of beans. He picks it up and looks inside. The beans are moving about. Before Cat has a chance to react a tentacle reaches out and slaps a sucker onto his forhead. Cat cries out as he slumps down out of view. Next view is of the can of beans sitting innocently on the side again. The can turns into a frog and leaps into the air. As it does so, it turns into a paper aeroplane... [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Cockpit. ...which is seen floating into the cockpit and landing on RIMMER's console. RIMMER screws it up and throws it in the bin with a despairing look. [:np] [:ra 245] Galley. We can't see CAT - he is below the level of the work surface - but we can hear him. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's stolen my cool, it's taken all my style. [:np] [:ra 245] His hands appear on the work surface, then he pulls himself up and we see... DUANE Dibbley. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] I need a mirror. I got no grace, no elan, no poise. What's it turned me into? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Duane Dibbley? DUANE DIBBLEY! AAAH! [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Midsection. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What is it? I heard noises. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Look what it did to me, it's turned me into Duane Dibbley - the Duke of Dork. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh my god, where is it? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] I lost it, it came in here somewhere. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Can you smell it? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] The only scent I'm getting is extra strong spot cream and the dandruff shampoo that doesn't work. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It could be anywhere, it could be anything. Trust nothing. It may have outsmarted you, but it's going to have to get up pretty damn early in the AM to outsmart Arnie J. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Is that a new gun? I don't recall seeing it before. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The gun, the emohawk's the gun. God that was close. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] I hope you're right, 'cos if you're not, we just flushed away our only gun. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just leave the thinking to me, keyboard teeth. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Cockpit. RIMMER enters and jabs at a button on the comms console. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, Kryten, the cat was right. We had brought the emohawk on board, but lucky for you guys old iron buck was around to sort it out..... that's wierd, there's something wrong with this microphone. It's not transmitting. [:np] [:ra 245] A sucker comes into shot from the console and slaps right on RIMMER's forehead. RIMMER slides down out of shot. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Mid-section. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Are you OK sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's removing my bitterness, taking my negativity, slurping out all my snidieness. [:np] [:ra 245] Cut to a close up on the steps down from the cockpit, a slinky {One of those big spring things kids play with} is coming down the steps. It reaches the bottom and turns into a remote control car which drives across the room and turns back into a slinky which leaves by the steps to the rest of Starbug [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] It's gone now sir, it's OK to come out. ACE RIMMER emerges from the cockpit. [:np] [:ra 245] [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Looks like we both bought a bite from the blighter. Let's track it down before it harms Kryters or Dave. I'm afraid this means death for both of us, but that's a small price to pay to save our chummies, eh? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] What a guy. Listen, before we leave I just gotta change these clothes. If I don't get into some sideways ironed flares and transparent plastic sandles, I swear I'll go crazy. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Do what you have to old chum. I'll go tell them we're having a party. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug Engine Room. LISTER and kryten are installing the O/G unit. We hear a 'clunk' [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What was that? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The hydraulic lock sir, we're sealed in. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It won't override. [:np] [:ra 245] The view screen comes on and ACE appears. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] I've sealed you in the engine room, Dave. Afraid me and the Cat have taken a bit of a nip from the emohawk. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You what? It's on board? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's taken my bitterness and Cat's cool. He's in a helluva shape - he's looking so geeky he probably couldn't even get into a science fiction convention. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And the emohawk is still on the loose? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] We've got it pinned down in the obs room. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well let us in, you need all the help you can get. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] No-one I'd rather have with me in a fracas, Dave, but you're the last human being alive, old love, and frankly you're just too damn valuable to risk. Only one way to guarantee victory for the home eleven: I'm going to open the airlock. Suck the little perisher out into deep space. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But sir, that would also kill you and the Cat! [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] He won't suffer, Kryters; I'll snap his neck when he's not looking. Won't feel a thing. Believe me, he'd want it this way. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But sir, if we could capture the creature we could extract the DNA strands and re-inject you both. Restore your former personalities. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Too risky Krytey. Anyway, I don't think I could face becoming him again. Everyone has his limits. Fellas, smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast. [:np] [:ra 245] The screen blanks. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What a guy! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But sir, we've got to save them from themselves, their minds are totally distorted, the Cat's a complete yutz and Mr Rimmer's... well... nice. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Charge up the bazookoids. We'll blast our way in. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Mid-scection. DUANE enters in full Dibbley clothing. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ready old chum? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart and one triple thick condom, you never know! [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] OK Duane, let's step into the airlock and get part 2 of the plan underway. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Oh, what plan is this? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just step in there, Duane. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] So, what precisely is the plan? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] I think you'll find it a little more comfortable if you stand in front of me. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Why are we in this airlock? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just relax old chum. I'm sending you on ahead. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] I'm the scout party? [:np] [:ra 245] We hear an explosion, like some-one blasting a door down. LISTER and kryten enters. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Dave, you crazy fool. We're all set to save your bacon, there's no need for you to sling your love spuds on the barbeque. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, our best chance is to tackle the emohawk together. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, one squirt of liquid dillinium, it'll freeze it exactly where it stands in whatever shape it's in. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] OK fellas, let's go. [:np] [:ra 245] They move into an adjoining room and find a hole in the floor [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Looks like it's lasered it's way back into the engine rooms. Probably looking for you two gents, let's go. [:np] [:ra 245] They all move out. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Engine room. ACE kicks the door in and they all file in after him. ACE and LISTER are carrying bazookoids, kryten is carrying a somewhat smaller gun and DUANE is carrying a thermos flask and a lunch box. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] According to the psi scan it's somewhere in this location. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] IT'S THE BARREL! Sorry, false alarm. [:np] [:ra 245] They move forward a little further, still nervously looking about. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That chain. IT'S MOVING!! Sorry, sorry nothing! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, try and remain calm, you're experiencing a classic knee-jerk paranoid reaction to a terror situation, it's essential at this time that we IT'S THE WALL!! Shame overload. I..I...I, sorry. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This is impossible, how can we find something that can disguise itself as anything? How can we lure it out? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Worry ye not Davey boy, it'll strike soon enough. [:np] [:ra 245] They search on a bit more ACE, Kryten, LISTER and DUANE at the rear, whistling. He has the thermos in one hand and the lunchbox in the other, he stops and looks down, puts the thermos and lunchbox in the same hand. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Oops, I dropped my thermos. EH, excuse me sirs. Gentlemen, I think we have a suspect. I got it! I got it! Oh, it turned into a grenade, but I got it! [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Toss it away chum. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] I can't throw, I throw like a geek! [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just chuck it. [:np] [:ra 245] ACE, LISTER and kryten all have weapons at the ready. DUANE throws it in the air and it lands at his feet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's gonna blow. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Leave this to me Davey boy. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be...( Freeze it Davey boy. [:np] [:ra 245] LISTER sprays a cylinder over it as ACE drops it onto the floor. The emohawk is frozen solid. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But, sir how did you know it wouldn't damage your hard light drive? [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Didn't Kryters, just trying to protect you chaps. [:np] [:ra 245] They all start to walk away. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well sir, better get you back to normal. [:nf] [:dv br 10 bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220] Would it be possible for me to stay like this for another 24 hours before I have to return as that ghastly maggot? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's the least we can do to thank you sir. And you, Cat, would you like to stay as Duane? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 95 br 0 ri 70 la 0 bf 30 pr 70 sr 20 hr 20] [:ra 250] Suck my thermos! I hate being the prince of dorkness, you never know when the next clutzy thing's going to... [:np] [:ra 245] He taps ACE, kryten and LISTER on the heads [_<800>] The End.