[:phone on] RED DWARF Series 6 Episode 5 "Rimmer world" [:np] In this episode, our friends are desprite for food and supplies. They send Rimmer through a hole, making him go into the future 600 years. In those 600 years, he has been living on a plannet of his own, and created an unkind population. Since they are unkind, they do not like people like lister, kryten, and cat. What will they do to them? Is this the last episode where our friends are alive? Come aboard and find out! [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>]   Starbug flypast. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug Medical Lab. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] is pressing buttons on a control panel, while rimmer lies on a bench. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, that's finished the tests sir. We just have to wait while the Navicomp processes the results. Unfortunately I have had to allow for the fact that you cheated at your eye tests. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What do you mean, cheated? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's no point in lying sir. You crept in here last night, knowing you were going to have a medical, and you copied the eye charts onto your shoes. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I admit I might have taken a peek, but I'm a competitive man Kryten, always have been. That's what makes me what I am. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We're all perfectly well aware of what you are sir. Oh, the results. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, everything tickedyboo? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Would you like to take a seat for a moment sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Problem? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You don't have any next of kin, do you sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, they all died of heart attacks. And not just heart attacks - aneurysms, strokes, brain clots, you name it. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Are you of the school that, when faced with bad news, prefers to hear that news naked and unvarnished, or are you of the ilk that prefers to live in happy and blissful ignorance of the nightmare you're facing. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ignorance, every time. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Congratulations sir! You've come storming through your medical with flying colours. See you next time. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Everything's OK then? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Absolutely peachy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I want to know, Kryten, if there's something wrong. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] If there were something wrong, sir, I would tell you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Even if I'd asked you not to? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well no. In that case I would lie and tell you everything was absolutely peachy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240], I want to know, that's why I asked for a medical. Is there bad news? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Lie mode cancel. Yes sir, I'm afraid there is. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I knew it. Its the headaches isn't it. And the heart palpitations and the blackouts and the chest pains and the voices. It's something to do with that isn't it? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, when you died you were recreated as a hologram and your exact personality was refined to an algorithm and duplicated electronically. If that algorithm contained a flaw, that flaw would be duplicated also. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Flaw? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's not common, but it's possible for a hologram to die. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] As a result of both genetics and environment you are particularly prone to stress-related nervous disorders, and your activities over the past couple of years have pushed your brain to, well frankly beyond breaking point. Your T count, which is the hologrammatic equivalent of blood pressure, is higher than a hippy on the third day of an open air festival, and if you wish to avoid a gigantic electronic aneurysm, it is imperative that you start on a program of relaxation. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I see, and you thought that the best way for me to start this program of relaxation was to tell me my brains are about to explode. You've got the bedside manner of an abattoir giblet gutter. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Here's what I suggest. Try and avoid all stressful situations. Spend more time in your hard light form and take a little exercise. And here try these Chinese worry balls whenever you feel anxious or tense. looks [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey, maybe some good news. Come and check it out. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Er, Kryten, I don't want the others to know about this. I want you to behave as if everything's absolutely normal. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] As you wish sir. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>]   Starbug approaching simulant ship. Starbug Cockpit [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There she blows. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Logging onto the ident computer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's this? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We've come across the simulant ship we totalled a couple of weeks back. We're gonna try and board it for supplies. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Is that wise sir? The scan says the superstructure is highly unstable and could go at any time. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What if some of the simulants have survived? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] There's an old cat saying: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones." [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There's an old human saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain." [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, we'll take our chances man, OK? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No K. They're cybernetically deranged mechanical killing machines. Not content with blasting their ship out of the sky, you now want to go back and steal what remains of their belongings? That's the metaphorical equivalent of flopping your wedding tackle into a lion's mouth and flicking his love spuds with a wet towel. Total insanity. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, ever since that refrigeration unit packed in we've had to live off a few pathetic handfuls of moss and fungi scraped off passing asteroids. I can't stand it any more. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well sir, are you really saying you'd rather have a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your skull and play your frontal nodes like a xylophone than have another bowl of my nourishing space nettle soup? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks and hold up the sheet music. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, they are simulants. Why on Io should they have food supplies? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Because the ident computer says they do. Look, stocked to the gills. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's true sir. Rogue simulants always carry large stocks of food supplies in order to prolong the torment of their torture victims. In some cases, they've kept subjects alive for over forty years in a state of perpetual agony. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] If we wanted to live in a state of perpetual agony, we'd let Lister play his guitar. We don't. I say drive on.   [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] what's for dinner? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Tonight sir, asteroidal lichen stew followed by dandelion sorbet. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We're going in. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug docking with simulant ship.   Mid section.   [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, can't you see your behaviour is totally irrational? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] In which case we can remove him from duty as per Space Corps Directive 1_9_6_1_5_6. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] 1_9_6_1_5_6? Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial? Hmm, I'm sorry sir, that doesn't quite get to the nub of the matter for me. Sir, we have enough thistles and weeds and cultured fungus for you to scrum yourself stupid until the day you die. This foolhardy trip beggars logic. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life forms and therefore expendable. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's something else. I didn't want to say in front of the cat. The reserve fuel tank got punctured when we crashed into that ocean moon. If we don't resupply, we're out of power, two, three days. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But what about the readouts? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I rigged the readouts. I didn't want to cause any alarm. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You rigged the readouts! You didn't want to cause any a.. I can't breathe, I'm hyperventilating. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Please sir, don't panic. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's not panic, it's a full-blown hysterical fit! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Grind those balls sir! Grind them! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So let me get this straight. If we board that ship and get captured, we're finished. However if we board that ship and don't get captured, but the superstructure disintegrates around us, we're finished. On the other hand, if we board that ship and don't get captured and the superstructure doesn't disintegrate around us, but we can't find any fuel, we are in fact finished. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's about the shape of it, yeah. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] After you with the balls sir. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, we're out of options. We've got less choice than a Welsh fish and chip shop. We've got to board that ship, even if it is on the brink of disintegration. Let's just pray the crew are rotting in Silicon Hell with all the photocopiers. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, you three go. I'm not leaving Starbug. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fine, that's fair enough. Unless of course something weird and hideously ironic happens, like while we were away you get boarded by a rampaging torture party of crazed simulants in the rapid grip of bloodlust fever. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll go and pack. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Bring your extra brown rubber safety pants. And your hard light remote belt, we need all the hands we can muster. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] simulant ship. Corridor of simulant ship. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Lifesigns. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] If one of those suckers bumps into me, he'll be lunching on laser, Last time we met I was wearing the same outfit, and no-one's gonna survive to tell that story. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen guys, I suppose now's as good as time as any to tell you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Tell us what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We can't actually use the bazookoids. They're for psychological reasons only. Look, the scan said that the superstructure is so unstable that even a load noise could start a shipquake. That's why I skipped chillies for breakfast. Why are you all looking at me like that? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Like what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Like I'm a nostril hair in a Spanish omelette. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Why didn't you tell us? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Didn't wanna cause any panic. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You didn't want to cause any p.. Let me get this clear in my head. If we meet one of these totally deranged killing machines, we have to engage them in combat silently? What do we do, whisper "charge", tippytoe up to them all screaming "shhh" and chloroform them with Lister's armpits? Priceless. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Another corridor. The crew move carefully along, in the order Lister, Kryten, cat and rimmer. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A teleporter. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] fully functional. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Let's grab what we can and load up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Quietly. [:np] [:ra 245] We see lister and cat loading the teleporter, and a variety of crates materialising in Starbug's mid section. They drop a crate. Worried faces as the noise echoes throughout the ship. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's not gonna hold much longer sir, we'd better make this the last batch. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] One more trip [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240], let me get one more crate of that red hot West Indian red pepper sauce. [:np] [:ra 245] In the background, the female simulant from "Gunmen of the Apocalypse" lurches through a doorway, causing more rumbling from the ship's hull. She doesn't appear to be in very good shape. [:nb] Well, if it isn't my old friends, the human vermin, the scab of slime, the pus-sucking, puke-laden walking cesspits of unspeakableness. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] She remembers us [:nb] Annihilated my ship, slaughtered by fellow simulants, and you practically destroyed me. Yes, I remember you. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number with completely different gold spangles. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That was an important speech sir, and it needed to be made, but might I suggest that from this moment the rest of the discourse is conducted by those with brains larger than a grape. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Take it away, bud. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] OK, let's knock on the door and ask for Ronnie Real. This is a classic stalemate situation. You can't use your weapons and neither can we. Let's chalk this one down to experience and we'll be on our merry way, yeah? Actually, as far as psychotic deranged ruthless killer simulants go, you're a bit of a babe. What are you doing tonight? [:nb] Care to join me? [:np] [:ra 245] Behind the simulant, rimmer can be seen. He has spotted an escape pod, and is trying to sneak into it. lister's words are aimed at rimmer, not the simulant who does not realise this. His words become more desperate as the conversation continues.  [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey come on, let's just talk, OK? We didn't start any of this, and I think that maybe NOW is a good time to sit down and parlez. Let's not hang around, just get on with it. [:nb] There is nothing to discuss. In sixty seconds you'll be dead. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You can't be serious. [:nb] I'm totally serious. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't believe you're being serious. [:nb] I do not understand why you're having such problems grasping this concept. I'm a totally ruthless amoral killing machine so why, in the name of all that's putrid, don't you believe I'm serious. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going to say this one more time. You've still got a chance to change your mind. Think about it, everything we've been through, does none of that mean anything to you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] rimmer launches the escape pod. The corridor collapses onto the simulant. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cheers Rimmer! He's started a shipquake! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The superstructures disintegrating! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The teleporter! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I must warn you sir, the teleporter's not calibrated for human tissue. There's a twenty percent chance you'll be turned inside out when you materialise. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Let me check my lining. Innards and lavender, I can carry that off. [:np] [:ra 245] They dematerialise. [_<800>] Mid section. As lister, Kryten, and cat materialise, we see the PAST CREW seated around a table. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's this? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Don't you remember sir? This is a week last Thursday. In the panic I must have made a programming error. [:np] Ok listeners! The lower tone means a past character, the higher one means a future one. [:tone<400,45>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] For goodness sake [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]! Don't you know how rude it is to burst in on an earlier version of yourself without warning? You've made our day totally surreal now. I'm very cross! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Pardon my paradox. It's just that the simulant ship you're about to encounter [:tone<400,45>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We don't know what we're about to encounter. Don't compound your temporal faux-pas by telling us our future. [:tone<400,45>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where's the rangy, handsome one? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, you? You scarpered in that escape pod, you slimy, triple-faced, back-stabbing Judas. [:tone<400,45>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, I'm safe then? Thank God for that. [:tone<400,45>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Don't talk to them! You see what you've done now! Just get back to your own damn time line! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Here we go then. [:tone<400,45>] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, be you later. [:np] [:ra 245] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30], [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] and cat dematerialise. Starbug mid section.     [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let's get out of the landing bay. It's gonna blow! [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug takes off from the simulant ship, which then explodes. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Cockpit. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] All in all, a hundred percent successful trip. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, we lost Mister Rimmer! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] All in all, a hundred percent successful trip. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Can't believe he did that, not even Rimmer. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I didn't get the opportunity to tell you before, but earlier today I discovered that Mister Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous disorder. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Next time I see him he'll be suffering from a fist-related teeth disorder. [:np] [:ra 245] The Escape pod disappears into the distance. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Cockpit. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Incoming message. [:np] [:ra 245] rimmer appears on a monitor, looking rather pleased with himself. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] My escape plan worked then? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What escape plan? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The valiant plan whereby I set off the disintegration of the ship's hull by bravely leaping into the escape pod thereby creating a diversion, so you could [_<800>] Actually, how did you escape? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, the teleporter. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That wasn't the only way, but as good as any I suppose. Still, I'm sure no-one's forgetting the sheer manliness and stiff-upper-lippedness of the diversionary part of the plan and to hasten with all speed the recovery of the modest hero of the hour. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Actually, Flash, that might be a bit of a problem. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What do you mean? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're accelerating away from us - way above our top speed [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I've logged into your ident computer sir. Rogue simulants looted the pod from a colonisation seeding ship constructed in the 25th Century. There are no controls as such, it is programmed to take you to the nearest planet with an S3 atmosphere. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How long is it going to take to get me back? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah well, let's see shall we, checking the local area. Er, no, nothing there. Going to mid-range. Er, still nothing. Going to long range ... long, long range ... long, long, long range. Ah, here we have it, just computing. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well? How long? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Have you still got those Chinese worry balls sir? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Yes. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well start grinding them like you've never ground before. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How long? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Let me tell him [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How long? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] A year and a half. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] That's ridiculous! You've got to find a way of getting me back. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well we could try to bring you down with a round from a laser cannon, sir. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Another way! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, there are no other options. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wait! Something's happening! Course change! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Check. Your guidance system's found a nearer S3 planet. It's taking you through that wormhole at 4_9_5_3_7_2. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, that's a lot better. You should make planetfall in four days. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Isn't there some kind of a time dilation problem when you go through a wormhole? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, yes there is. Since you're travelling through a compressed space, time will move more swiftly for the object passing though the wormhole. One minute on this side of the wormhole will represent many years on the other. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So, is that good? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Balls on standby sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] More than a year and a half? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Er, yes sir, a little more. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How much more? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, let's not beat around a bush, a lot more. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten, that's still beating around the bush. Just tell me. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, remember that medieval war sir, that lasted quite a long time. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The Thirty Years War? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No, not that war sir, the other one. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The Hundred Years War? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Now take that figure, and multiply it by six, and then you'll come up with your golden number sir. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Six hundred years! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Pinch me! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We're losing contact, any minute. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Six hundred years with just myself as company, I'll go raving mad! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] There's and old cat saying, but you don't want to hear it right now. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] On the upside, according to your inventory the pod's stocked with solar accelerators. That should keep your hard-light drive going as long as you need. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And as the pod was looted from a seeding ship, there may even be emergency terraforming equipment on board, possibly even with a genetic capability. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But I'll never survive, I'm not the Robinson Crusoe type. I'm lousy at woodwork, I'm no good in the wild. Do you know, when I was at school it took me five terms to make a tent peg? How long's it going to take me to build a two storey home with running water and a balcony stroke sun patio? Six hundred years! I won't even have finished planing the wood! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Losing contact, any second. See you in eight lifetimes. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] One last word sir, remember your condition. Whatever happens, try and avoid stressful situations. Whatever befalls you, try and greet it with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You are a total, total, complete and utter, total, total, complete and utter total... [:np] [:ra 245] The Pod enters a wormhole. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, he's gone. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So, what do we do now? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Nothing we can do, I know for a fact there's no champagne. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] On our side of this time dilation phenomena it will appear as if Mister Rimmer has gone for just a few hours, but from Mister Rimmer's point of view, he will have to wait six entire centuries for us to reach him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] To hell with the champagne, we can celebrate with urine resyc. [:np] [:ra 245] Pod in atmosphere. This is followed by a montage of images, following rimmer's monologue. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] This is the personal log of Space Corps hard-light hologram Arnold J. Rimmer. Day 1: After landing, I ventured forth to explore the place I would be calling home for the next two thirds of a millennium. A desert planet, the only life forms the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me. Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible. I repaired to the pod, to appraise the supply situation. The pod had indeed been looted from a seeding ship. Among the supplies I found two strange devices, labelled "Eco-Accelerator Rockets". I held out little hope that they might improve my lot, but launched them anyway. For six days and nights the entire planet was wracked with storms, the like of which I had never witnessed before or since. Then, just as suddenly, they stopped. In just six days I had created my own world, lush and verdant. I had created "Rimmerworld". I was Adam, in my own Eden, and only one thing was missing, my own Jane. As I studied the pod's textbooks, my excitement grew. It seemed entirely possible for me to create a fully grown female clone, using my own DNA as a template. This of course created the most enormous moral dilemma. Technically, she would be my sister, and therefore unable to take me as her lover. After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided, "What the hell", I just wouldn't tell her. After months of careful nurture, the cocoon cracked. Something had gone hideously wrong - the clone was just an identical copy of me. I went back to the manuals, and tried again... [:np] [:ra 245] [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug enters the wormhole. Starbug cockpit. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There she blows, an S3 planet. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Navicomp locked. Entering atmosphere. [:np] [:ra 245] Starbug in atmosphere. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Got something. Try quadrant four-niner-seven-two. According to the scan, there's lifesigns. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Confirmed. Thousands of them. Either Mister Rimmer had the incredible good fortune to land on a populated planet, or... [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Or what? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's too hideous to contemplate. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Preparing to land. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Woodland on "Rimmerworld". lister, cat and Kryten are seen walking through the woodland. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Wait, nasal alert! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, are you getting something? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I sure am. My nasal hairs are quivering like an opera singer's bosom on the high notes. [:np] [:ra 245] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Halt, abomination! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Silence, travesty. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer?? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Never have I seen such a hideously formed and un-naturally freakish deviant. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer??? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Silence mutant! How dare you stand there and address a norm using that face. It's a revolting insult against nature. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but [_<800>] can't even bring myself to say it. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Say what? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Take us to your leader. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh sir, how could you! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Let the great one judge them. [_<800>] [:np] [:ra 245] Throne room. The 'rimmer' EMPEROR is seated upon a throne, with concubines at his feet. The back of the throne consists of a large 'H' sculpted out of a circular piece of stone. lister, cat and Kryten are guarded by 'rimmer' GUARDS. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 80 hr 80 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who disturbs our royal snooze? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer? It's us. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 80 hr 80 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Dear lord, what created such foulness. Is it the product of a marriage twixt woman and gerbil? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Do you remember? Six hundred years ago? We used to be your ship mates, we've come to save you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We found them in the woods, your flared- nostrilness, and have brought them here to be tried as travesties. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That ain't goalpost-head, he doesn't smell right. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Agreed, he scans as organic, not hologram. the 'H' is an affectation. Possibly it has become a symbol of power. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 80 hr 80 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] These deformed monsters are no sight for my concubines. My treasures of pulchritude, run along. Avert your eyes from her great beauty. Let the trial begin, before my jacuzzi water grows tepid. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] These three abominations stand charged on eight counts of gross deviancy. Not content with not looking like the true image, they flaunt freakish behaviour such as charm, bravery, compassion and [_<800>] honour. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 80 hr 80 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Are there no sighs of normalcy in these wretches? No cowardice or pomposity, no snideyness or smarm, not even basic honest-to-goodness double-dealing two-facedness? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sire, these creatures did not even attempt to sell each other out for their own freedom - they lack even the most basic natural drives. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 80 hr 80 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How do you plead? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Er sir, we wish to speak to the hologram known as Rimmer. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 80 hr 80 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I am he! [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Not so, we are seeking the creator of your race, the father of your people, the first true Rimmer, the template for your species. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 80 hr 80 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take them out and kill them. And when you've killed them, burn the bodies, then bring me the cold ashes on a silver plate, with a glass of chilled sancerre. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know it's red wine with cold ashes? [:np] [:ra 245]   [_<800>] Dungeon. lister, [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] and [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] see a figure huddled in the corner under a blanket. He is grinding extremely small worry balls with his fingers.   [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Smell checks out. That truly is old toilet-brush hair himself. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Of course, I remember. Custer! Derek Custer! Kit! Titan! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's happened to him bud? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] How long have you been in here sir, in this godforsaken pit from hell. speed count mode. Five hundred and fifty seven years? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What! You've been stuck in this cell all this time? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What happened? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Can you imagine a society composed entirely of me? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm trying not to. The last time I did that it took a week to dry the mattress. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Thousands upon thousands of back-stabbing treacherous hypocritical cowardly slime-mongering Judases. They overthrew me. When they found out they couldn't damage my hard light drive, they locked me in here so I could never threaten their insane lust for power. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Look bud, I can understand them locking you up, but what have they got against me, Derek and Titan? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Anyone who deviates from the template is reviled. The smallest physical flaw and they're banished from society, and anyone who displays behaviour deemed out of character or un-Rimmerlike is punished by death. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is that why no-one on the planet is brave, sexy, noble or charming? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All crimes here. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Man. I must be Public Enemy numbers one, two and three. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But sir, don't they realise the only way any society can evolve is through mutations in the gene pool. When there is no richness or variety, congenital disorders and inherited lunacy are commonplace. Who can forget the famously insane European monarchies of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh what have I created? [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Your very own personal hell. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Well, fun though its been hearing about your last five hundred years of total misery, shouldn't we be making skedaddle plans? I for one could not bear the prospect of being burned alive. Flames and peach! Ooh, I'd rather die. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Have you tried escaping Rimmer? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The whole planet is populated with back-stabbing slimeballs. The minute I got out, I'd be sold back immediately. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Or we could use the teleporter. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter. [:np] [:ra 245] They dematerialise. [:np] [:ra 245] [_<800>] Starbug mid section. As they materialise, we see the FUTURE CREW, bar the FUTURE lister, sitting at a table. [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, I've done it again. Two anomalies in one day, I must have accidentally tapped into the previous calibration. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Sorry about that, it's just that we're escaping from Rimmerworld. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't tell them that, they don't want to know the future. Poor old Rimmer doesn't want to know he's going to get persecuted for six centuries by a load of his own clones. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Careful bud, for a minute there I thought you were going to let slip that he spends the next five hundred and fifty seven years locked in a dungeon. [:np] The higher tone is the future character. [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Rimmerworld? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm saying nothing man, don't want to spoil the surprise. [:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Rimmerworld was weeks ago. We're far more concerned at the moment about the quite hideous thing that's happened to Lister. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He's right bud, where are you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, where am I? I wanna know! [:np] [:ra 245] They dematerialise. The End