[:punc none] [:phone on]
[:np] [:ra 245]
RED DWARF, Season six, Episode six. [_<1000>] Out of Time.

[_<800>]
Shot of Starbug moving through space.
[_<800>]
Mid-section. 

Rimmer (in his blue hardlight uniform) walks into the Mid-section
just off the cockpit.  The rest of the crew are sitting at
the table.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Gentlemen, thank you for attending the meeting.  Now, let
 me begin by saying that it can't have escaped anyone's attention
 that things have been getting rather strained around here of
 late.  It's no secret that morale is on the floor.  We've lost
 all trace of Red Dwarf, tempers are strained, and supplies are
 low.  So, I've decided, if it's all right with you, to appoint
 myself morale officer, and set myself the task of raising the
 spirits and improving the atmosphere all 'round.  Now, to kick
 off, I thought it would be productive if we all met once a week
 and have a coffee or a beer, whatever's your poison, and get any
 problems we may have off our chests.  Any objections?

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister and Cat look at each other and agree.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
 Sounds like a very good idea, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
 Well, as it's week one, why don't I start?  Do you know
 what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke?  That
 really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an ice pick? 
 Everything, that's what.  Especially his godawful chirpy gerble-
 faced optimism.  And as for the Cat, what an unbelievable git. 
 And Kryten, if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach
 jump-leads to his nipple-nuts and fry him like a cajun catfish. 
 Well, I think that's cleared the air.  I don't know about you
 but I certainly feel better.  And thank you for your
 contributions, gentlemen.  See you at next week's morale
 meeting.  Marvellous! [:np] [:ra 245] (Goes up the stairs) 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Good meeting.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What's eating him?
 [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]Well, I'm no psychologist, sir, but maybe the bleak
 lonely pointless emptiness of our hopeless futile predicament is
 beginning to get to him.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You can always tell when he's tense.  The way he scrunches
 up a cup and throws it in the bin.  And we're not talking
 styrofoam here.  We're talking enamel.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] And he attacked me with that fridge.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What happened?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He just wrenched it off the wall and tried to insert it
 in me.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What did you do to upset him?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Absolutely nothing.  I was just sitting there minding my
 own business, plucking out my lengthier nostril hairs, with a pair
 of cooking tongs 
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Extraordinary.  It's so unprovoked.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The guy's so touchy.  If I tried to force-feed you a
 refrigerator every time you did something gross, you'd have to
 go on a fridge-free diet.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You know what the problem is.  Every day it's the same
 old slot in deep space.  No variety.  Take Christmas.  What did
 we do Christmas day?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, ah, you remember, sir.  Christmas day, we were
 attacked by that pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Mogagon
 Cluster.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Maybe that wasn't such a great example.  I'm trying to
 say our lives are dull, repetitive.  We never take time out to
 smell the roses.  We never celebrate anything.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We got nothing to celebrate with, bud.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, not true, sir.  There's a whole case of that wine I
 brewed out of urine recyc, just lying there, practically
 untouched.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Call me pretentious if you like, but for me, a truly
 great wine should not leave you with a moustache that you can
 only remove with turps.

[:np] [:ra 245]
An alarm sounds.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Auto Pilot alert.

[:np] [:ra 245]
They hurry toward the cockpit.  Rimmer runs down the stairs to
join them.
[_<800>]
Cockpit [_<800>]

They hurry to their usual seats in the cockpit: Lister and Cat in
the front, Rimmer and Kryten in the back.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Storm front ahead.  Switching to manual.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a big one [_<800>] too late to go round!  It's right on
 us!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Stellar fog, tightly-packed particles from an exploded
 supernova.  Our scanners won't be able to penetrate more than a
 few metres.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Shot of Starbug entering the large dust-cloud.

Back to the Cockpit [_<800>]

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Slowing to minimum.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Gentlemen, absolute concentration til we get through this
 squall. There could be anything lurking out there.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Don't worry, bud.  If there's anything out there, we'll spot
 it.

[:np] [:ra 245]
We see a quick jolting effect, with the camera seeming to come
towards the crew and then away again, while the crew are thrown
about in their seats.
Sparks come out of Lister's console.  They hit his right shoulder
and we can see his jacket rip.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Anyone hurt?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No, but my pride sure needs mouth-to-mouth.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Kryten hurries over to the unconscious Lister.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mr. Lister, sir!  He's out cold!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] All stop.  Let's get him up to the obs room.


[:np] [:ra 245] Obs room [_<800>]

Lister is unconscious on the observation table.  Kryten is
cutting the skin on Lister's injured right upper arm with a pair
of operating scissors.  Rimmer and Cat stand nearby.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] How is he?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Not good, sir.  Perhaps you'd better look away.  I
 know [_<800>] I know you can't stand the sight of blood.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Don't worry, Kryten.  It's okay when it's Lister's.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Impossible! [:np :ra 245] (draws back in surprise) 
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Look!

[:np] [:ra 245]
A closeUp of Lister's arm.  Under the skin, we can see wires and
flashing lights.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mr. Lister is a droid!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's a what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] There's no doubt about it.  He's entirely mechanical, a
 3000 series.  Made in Taiwan.  Look!  Look, he has a 24-hour
 callout number.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm sorry, I'm not buying this.  I mean, who created him
 and why?  And what's his mission?  To rid the universe of
 chicken vindaloo?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This doesn't tie up.  If he wasn't human, I'd have known by
 his scent.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] X-rays confirm it.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Kryten holds up an x-ray.  On one side is the outline of a human
body.  On the other side is what looks like the machinery from a
generator.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] This is so strange.  Mr. Lister's always been an icon of
 mine, and now I found he's an earlier model, and technically I
 outrank him.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] An earlier model?  Then how come he looks so much more
 sophisticated than you?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, just because I have a head shaped like a freak
 formation of mashed potatoes does not mean that I am
 unsophisticated.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Alright then, why does he look more realistically human?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Humans have always found exact duplicates rather
 disturbing, sir.  The 3000 series was notoriously unpopular. 
 Most of them were recalled.  A few slipped the net and went
 undercover to make new lives in society.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Do you think he knows?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Unlikely.  He probably reprogrammed his own memory to
 escape detection.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This is going to crack him up, devastate him!  Who's going
 to tell him?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll write you into my will if you let it be me.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I suggest you leave this to me, sirs.  I'll have a talk
 with him droid-to-droid.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Okay.  We'll get going and try to get out of this damn
 fog before it drains our solar batteries.

[:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer and Cat leave as Lister revives.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [:ra 220] What happened?  What hit us?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Something in the stellar fog, sir, didn't show up on the
 scans.  Sir, do you remember who your parents were?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, you know I don't.  I was found under a pool
 table, in a box.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Did anyone ever tell you what was written on that box? 
 Were the words "kit" or "paint before assembly" written on the
 side?  It's just that while you were under, we discovered
 something rather disturbing about you.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's that tatoo on me inner thigh, isn't it?  Well, I
 don't really love Peterson [_<800>] he just got me so drunk that I
 didn't know what I was doing.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's not the tatoo, sir.  There's no easy way of breaking
 this gently.  I'm afraid, sir, you are not human.  You're a
 droid.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm a what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You're a mechanical, 3000 series.  Technically
 subordinate to me!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What does this all mean?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, in broad terms, I get the front seat in the
 cockpit, and you're in charge of the laundry!

[:np] [:ra 245] Kryten hands Lister a basket of dirty laundry.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And I want to see creases!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, have a heart, man.  I'm in major stress-related
 shock here.  Emotional overload.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You're a droid [_<800>] you don't have real emotions.  It's
 just syntha-shock.  Now stop thinking like a human and go about
 your duties.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten, Why are you being so heartless?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Fine, I'll tell you.  You encouraged me to break my
 programming and ape human behaviour.  Now I find out you're no
 better than I!  But worst of all, the most bitter pill to
 swallow, for four long years, I had to hand-scrub the gussets of
 your longjohns.  Now, unless you want to wallow in the eternal
 fires of Silicon Hell, I suggest you bring a tray of
 refreshments up to the cockpit, pronto!

[:np] [:ra 245] Kryten leaves.  Lister looks confused but resigned to his new
role.  He smells a sock from the basket, and the smell makes him
turn quickly away.


Cockpit [_<800>]

Rimmer and Cat are in their regular seats.  Kryten is in Lister's
seat.

They hit another jolt.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What was the jolt?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] It's a mystery, bud.  Nothing on the scanners, nothing on
 visual.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's like we've gone through some sort of energy
 pocket.  Still, it looks like we're out of it now.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Better run a cross check and see if this phenomena is
 mentioned in any of our databases.

[:np] [:ra 245] Enter Lister with a plate.  The plate has three cups and a pile
of sandwiches.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tea, all!  Sorry I took so long but I didn't know where
 anything was.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Let me see that tray, please.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's "why, Mr. Lister sir" ... You call those
 triangular sandwiches?  Did you use a z-square?  I think not! 
 And the chocolate fingers display is laughable.  Don't just pile
 them higgledy-piggledy onto the plate.  Make them into an
 attractive interlaced log cabin structure or something.  This
 will just not do!  Kindly return to the gallery and start again.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay ... sir. [:np :ra 245] mumbling [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] This doesn't feel right ... Not
 right at all ...

[:np] [:ra 245] Lister leaves.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What a charlatan all these years.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Any idea what hit us yet?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Wait, wait, here's something. [:np :ra 245] (checks computer) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Reports
 of artificial stellar fogs which contain reality mindfields.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Reality what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Bubbles or pockets of unreality which when encountered
 create false realities designed to disorient and drive off
 potential looters.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] From what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's a defence device fitted to space corps test ships
 which are fitted with prototype drives so awesome in their power
 that they have to be safeguarded at all costs.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So we just crashed through an unreality pocket?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Which created a false reality making us believe Mr.
 Lister was ... Oh my ... 

[:np] [:ra 245] There is a Long pause while Kryten realizes what he's done.  He nervously
twiddles his fingers in an impression of Stan Laurel.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You mean he's not a ...
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] No ...

[:np] [:ra 245] Lister enters again.  This time the tray has a very elaborate log
cabin made from chocolate bars.  There are even a green tree and
fence.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Tea's upstairs.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, I, ah ...
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What do you think of the picket fence? [:np :ra 245] (Kryten hides his
 face in shame) [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm not happy with it meself.  But I'll go away
 and do it again if you want.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, may I see your arm? [:np :ra 245] (Through the rip in Lister's
 jacket can be seen undamaged skin)
[:nh] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Smeg!  It looks normal [_<800>] human!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Someone else tell him. [:np :ra 245] (looking as if he could burst
 into tears) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I've got gussets to scrub!

[:np] [:ra 245] Shot of Starbug moving through the fog.

Cockpit [_<800>]

Lister is back in his seat.  Rimmer and Cat are in their seats. 
Enter Kryten with a can of beer on a tray.  Lister gives him the
cold shoulder.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I wondered if you felt like a nice cold beer, sir?

[:np] [:ra 245] Lister takes the beer but gives Kryten a look cold enough to
freeze Kryten's circuits.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [:np :ra 245] (frantic voice) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh sir, how many times can I apologize? 
 I have offered to mince myself.  What more can I do?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't worry [_<800>] I'll think of something ... probably
 involving a bowl of water, a poker, a recharge socket, and 4000
 volts of direct current.
[:np] [:ra 240] (sounding very worried) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] Oh! [:np :ra 245] (takes his seat)
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] This fog's getting worse.  I say reverse out now before
 it's too late.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I hate to agree with Old Laundry-shoot Nostrils, but he has
 got a point.  The scanners are out and my smell range is
 practically zero.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Starbug is small.  We can probably pick our way through
 without hitting any more unreality bubbles.  Someone's gone to
 plenty big trouble to keep space craft out of here, and it's got
 to be worth finding out why.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But how can we guarantee we'll [_<800>]-

[:np] [:ra 245] They hit another bubble jolt.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We hit one!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We hit one!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's what I said.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Where's the Cat?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm here.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] They've taken the Cat!  He's gone!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I'm not gone [_<800>] I'm here!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Someone just erased him from existence.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Then how come we still remember him?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Remember who?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't remember.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Hey buds, don't do this to me!  You can't forget me [_<800>] I'm
 unforgettable!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I don't get this!  We're passing through an unreality
 pocket and everything's normal!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What do you mean everything's normal?  I feel invisible!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] This doesn't make any sense!  All systems check.  The
 three of us are here as normal.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] The four of us!  There's four of us!  Look!  I'm here! 
 Can't you hear me, can't you feel me?

[:np] [:ra 245] Cat shakes Lister.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We're getting some in]!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Passing back into normal space.

[:np] [:ra 245] They hit another jolt.  Lister realizes Cat is shaking him by the
shoulder.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you doing?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Can you see me?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Of course I can see ya.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] You all forgot who I was.  Don't you remember?  This is too
 weird in here.  Let's quit while we can.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What we have to do is keep our heads.

[:np] [:ra 245] Another jolt.  This time, their heads change.  Lister's head
becomes that of a wolf, Cat becomes a deer, Rimmer a fox, and
Kryten a rooster.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Boy!  This is worse than triple-strength catnip!

[:np] [:ra 245] Another jolt returns them to normal.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The pockets are getting denser and closer together. 
 We're never going to [_<800>]-

[:np] [:ra 245] Another jolt.  Starbug disappears.  All that is left is the
crew and their chairs moving through space.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] [_<800>] make it!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We can't take much more of this.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, just ignore it.  All these unreality pockets are
 designed to make you feel absurd and disorientated.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] He's right!  Let's just keep going and we'll get out the
 other side.

[:np :ra 245] Another jolt and they're again back to normal.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All ahead stop.  We have got to talk.  Kryten, how far
 would you say it is to the epicentre?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] At our current speed, about another three days, sir.
[:np :ra 245] (resigned) 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, you win.  Let's get out of here.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Perhaps there is one possibility.

[:np] [:ra 245] Obs Room [_<800>]

Lister and Cat are lying on the lower bunk.  Kryten finishes
pushing numbers on the cryogenic panel.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] That's it.  I've installed a temporary stasis seal on
 both deep sleep units, so in theory at least, time will be
 frozen, and neither reality nor unreality will be able to
 penetrate.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] See you in three days?

[:np] [:ra 245] The bunk rises.

Shot of Starbug leaving the fog.  It approaches a huge space
station.

Obs Room [_<800>]

Lister leaves the bunk and joins Rimmer and Kryten at the
computer.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Where are we?  Did we make it?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We successfully penetrated the mindfield, sir.  We're
 through to the epicentre.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So what was it protecting?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Derelicts!  According to the computer, it's from the 28th
 century.  And it's capable of time travel?!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Crew?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] All dead.  This was the maiden voyage.  They contracted
 an influenza virus on an incursion to the 20th century.  Before
 they died, they programmed the auto pilot for deep space and
 generated the mindfield to prevent the machine from falling into
 the wrong hands.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Does this mean what I think it means?  We board it, strip
 out the drive [_<800>]- 

[:np] [:ra 245]Starbug engine room [_<800>] 

The crew are grouped around the newly-installed time drive.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] [_<800>] and bingo!  We've got ourselves a time machine!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Let's see if the sucker works!

[:np] [:ra 245] Kryten taps instructions into a remote control.


Cockpit [_<800>]

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sirs, choose any year.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Since we can't guarantee this time drive is going to
 function properly, I suggest we select a neutral time period for
 our first jaunt.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's got a point.  Let's go to someplace nice and safe
 and dull.  How about 1422?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] How about 1421?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's the difference?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] No difference.  I just wanted to make it look like I was
 paying attention.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Load 1421, Kryten.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] 1421 loaded, sir.  August 17th.  Engaging the time drive.

[:np] [:ra 245] Kryten pushes buttons on the remote control.  The screen is
filled with a flash of red light.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hey, we did it!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Indeed we did.  All the ship's chronometers indicate that
 this is August the 16th, in the year 1421, just one day out.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Give us visual.  Let's see what it's like out there.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay, punching it up.

[:np] [:ra 245] Quick shot of empty boring space.

Back to the Cockpit [_<800>]

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Again?  We're still where we were!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Of course.  We're still in deep space, sir, only now
 we're in deep space in the 15th century.  Isn't it wonderful?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So we're still three million years away from Earth?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, yeah.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Taking her back to the present.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Keyed in.  Engaged.

[:np] [:ra 245] Flash of red light again.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So ... forgive me if I'm being thicker than the offspring
 of a village idiot and a TV weather girl, but what exactly was
 the point of that little exercise?  Fun though it was drinking
 in the heady medieval atmosphere of pre-Renaissance deep space,
 the drive is next to useless, yes?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, at the moment, yes, but should we ever acquire a
 faster-than-light drive, we will have the combination to travel
 anywhere and anywhen.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Picking up a craft.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's right.  Some kind of craft.  Small.  Here it comes.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's a Jupiter Mining Corporation core sign.  Some kind
 of transport vehicle: colour green, lifeforms four ... craft
 name "Starbug"?!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Call me crazy, but that all sounds weirdly familiar.  Who is
 it?

[:np] [:ra 245] Shot of Starbug moving through space.

Cockpit [_<800>]

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] It's us from the future!  Hey [_<800>] incoming S O S message!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Don't punch it up!  Close com!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] If that vessel is this vessel, sir, it almost certainly
 contains our future selves.  The implications of making contact
 could be devastating!  The human brain is not designed to cope
 with knowing its own future.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but Kryten, obviously we've been in some kind of
 major trouble.  Otherwise we wouldn't have shown up.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] No, Kryten's got a point.  It's too dangerous to make
 contact.  What if we discover that one of us is dead?  Who could
 handle that?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We all could if it was you.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They're trying us again!  Come on, they're in trouble! 
 We can't just leave them out to dry!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, in that case, sir, I suggest that I am left alone
 to make contact.  I can give them whatever assistance they
 require, then erase my memory of the entire event.

[:np] [:ra 245] Shot of both Starbugs side-by-side in space.

Kryten is now alone in the cockpit.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Open com.  Present Starbug calling future Starbug.  We
 are ready to communicate.

[:np] [:ra 245] Mid-section [_<800>]

Kryten walks in from cockpit to join his crewmates.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, how did it go?  Everything okay?
[:np :ra 245] 
(very sadly) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mr. Lister, sir ... [:np :ra 245] (hugs Lister) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I love
 you!  You know that, don't you?  I'd hate you to ... go anywhere
 without knowing that, sir.
[:np :ra 245] (after a shocked and worried pause) [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So what's the SP,
 Kryts?  Can you tell us anything?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] A little, sir.  They are indeed our future selves from
 some fifteen years hence. (close to tears) What a senseless
 waste!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Listen, if something happens to me, I want to know.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] All I am allowed to divulge is that their time drive has
 developed a fault, and they can only travel forward.  They
 jumped to a period where they knew we would be in order to copy
 some components from our own drive.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So am I actually going to get to meet me?  My knees have
 turned to jelly!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Nobody will be meeting anybody.  You must be sealed in
 the upper deck before they set a space boot on board.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] So when are they coming?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Immediately.  I'll serve your supper in the obs room. [:np :ra 245]
 (very affectionately to Lister) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I thought I'd whip you up a nice
 little curry with jam rolly-polly and a big jug of chilled
 margarita.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] They're all my favourites!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] (almost bursting into tears again) I know!!!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How can we have margaritas?  I thought we were out of
 tequila?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I put a little miniature bottle aside, sir, for ... no
 particular reason ...   And I thought that since today had ...
 no special significance ... it would be appropriate ... to ...
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just go, Kryten!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Thank you, sir.

[:np] [:ra 245] Kryten leaves the room.  Out of shot, we can hear him finally
break down and cry.

Kitchen [_<800>]

Kryten is sadly caressing a bowl and cup.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] His favourite bowl ... his little cup ... the tin opener
 he uses to pick his ears clean with ...

[:np] [:ra 245] Enter Lister.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Everything okay?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Oh, yup yup.  Those darn onions get you every time!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What onions?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, the onions I'm about to peel.  I always get a little
 emotional when I have to deprive an onion of its skin.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't Nixon me, man!  Tell me the truth!  I die, don't I? 
 I mean, I'm dead, aren't I?  I don't make it ...
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] All I'm at liberty to disclose, sir, is that all four
 members of the Starbug crew will be boarding this vessel.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, but I'm not amongst them, right?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] One of their number is called Dave Lister.  Now, you'll
 have to excuse me.  I've already said too much.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hang on a minute [_<800>] I'm really confused now.  Are you
 saying I survive?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I can say no more.  Please, let us not squabble on this
 of all days. [:np :ra 245] (starts to pour chilies into the blender)
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Careful with those chilies, Kryten.  At the rate you're
 going, there'll be none left for tomorrow.

[:np] [:ra 245] Lister leaves the room.  Kryten, barely holding back the tears,
pours the rest of the chilies into the blender.

Obs room [_<800>]

Lister is hooking a cable to the mediscan (it may look like a
complicated-looking machine, but is actually just a pair of
binoculars with a big box built around it).  Rimmer and Cat look
on.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, whatever it is, there's nothing you can do about
 it.  It's fate.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I just don't get it.  Am I dead or am I alive?  If I'm
 dead, how can I come on board?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What precisely are you doing, bud?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm hacking into the security cameras.  Kryten turned off
 all the monitors, so I'm rigging up the mediscan.  When those
 johnnies come on board, I want to see em.

[:np] [:ra 245]Mid-section [_<800>]

(into intercom) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Docking complete.  Opening airlock doors. 
 Gentlemen, welcome aboard.

[:np] [:ra 245] the Outer airlock door opens.  The camera shows three pairs of legs
entering the ship.

Kryten is standing by the inner airlock door.  It opens.

Enter future Rimmer.  But this Rimmer is middle-aged: greying
hair, a moustache and big bushy eyebrows.  He is fat, with his
stomach bulging out the bottom of his too-short jacket.  He is
wearing very gaudy clothing: bright yellow jacket and bright
orange pants.  (Note: remember "Rimmerworld", where Rimmer looked
the same after 300 years?  Either holograms do age in appearance
when they become lazy and wellfed, or Rimmer deliberately
reprogrammed his appearance.)

Future Rimmer disdainfully examines the ship.  Kryten looks at
Rimmer in shock.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Ah, Mr. Rimmer sir, come in, come in.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Did we actually used to live like this?  What a
 godawful depressing little hole.

[:np] [:ra 245] Enter future Cat.  He has long greying hair, but is bald on top. 
He is wearing black pants and shirt, and a plaid red and black
jacket.

[:tone<1000,75>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] We're used to the good things in life now, bud.

[:np] [:ra 245]Future Cat combs his hair.  A large piece gets combed out, so he
embarrassedly tries to fit it onto his bald spot.

Enter future Kryten.  He has a cheap toupee and fake eyebrows. 
He is wearing a blue leisure suit and a turtleneck sweater.  He
is carrying something covered by a black cloth.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Are you really me?
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Will you take a look at him.  Did I really used to
 look that goofy?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] What is that you have on your head?  I hope you have a
 quarantine license for it.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We're time travellers now, and a lot of our
 business involves going back in history.  I have to look
 incognito.  Frankly, I can't afford going around looking like
 I've swapped heads with a damaged crash dummy.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I rather think we're overstepping the bounds of agreed
 conversation here.  Is, um ... Mr. Lister ... did you bring him?

[:np] [:ra 245] Future Kryten puts the object on the table and removes the cloth. 
It is a jar.  Inside the jar is a glowing brain attached to
electrodes.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Sir, you look terrific.  I was expecting something much
 worse.
[:tone<1000,64>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Don't worry about me, Kryts, I'm fine.  Absolutely
 dandy.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Well, blow me!  You've hardly changed at all.  If I
 wasn't told about the accident, I don't think I'd even have
 noticed.

[:np] [:ra 245] Obs room [_<800>]

Lister is peering into the binoculars part of the mediscan.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]Yo, we're in!  Oh my god [_<800>] look at Rimmer!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, I can't have changed much.  I'm a hologram.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wrong.  You're two meals away from being a sumo wrestler.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Let me see!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Am I there?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh yes.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What do I look like?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I can't actually see quite clearly.  The light is
 reflecting from off the top of your head. [:np :ra 245] (covers the binoculars
 and blinks his eyes to clear them)
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What are you talking about?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Ha ha!  You're as bald as a plucked chicken, man.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Let me see!  Let me see!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Wait, wait!  I want to see if I'm there.  I don't seem to
 be there.  Just you two, Kryten ... [:np :ra 245] (looks up in deep shock) Oh
 my god ...
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What?  What is it?

[:np] [:ra 245] Lister moves to the side, still with that open-mouthed look of
shock.  Rimmer looks into the binoculars.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ohhhhh dear!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] What?  Is he fat?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Far from it.  He's lost a bit of weight, actually. 
 Actually, he's lost quite a bit of everything.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What do I do to end up like that?

[:np] [:ra 245] Cat takes over the binoculars.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] That's tragic.  That is the saddest thing I've ever seen in
 my life ...  [:np :ra 245] (looks up in dismay)  [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]What happened to my butt? 
 Buddy, you could park a plane in that crease.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So what if you're fat and bald.  That's what happens when
 you get older.  Look at me [_<800>] I'm a brain in a jar!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Self self self self self!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We've got to find out what's going on.

[:np] [:ra 245] Lister turns a knob and the conversation in the Mid-section can
be heard.

[:np] [:ra 245] Mid-section [_<800>]

The future crew are sitting around the table.  Kryten pours them
some wine.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] We've been saving it for a special occasion.  And what
 could be more special than this.  To the future!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] To the past!

[:np] [:ra 245] The future crew take a sip and then immediately spit it out in
disgust.

[:tone<1000,75>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] This is poison, bud!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Haven't you anything better than this hogwash? 
 We're used to the best!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Kryten, we're epicures now.  We travel through
 history enjoying the very best time has to offer.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Dolphin sweetmeats, roast suckling elephants, baby
 seal hearts stuffed with dove pate.  Food fit for emperors!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We socialize with all of the greatest figures in
 history [_<800>] the Hapsburgs, the Borgias ...
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Why, only last week, Louis the Sixteenth threw a
 banquet especially in our honour.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The man is a complete delight [_<800>] urbane, witty,
 charming ...
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] He was an idiotic despot who lived in the most obscene
 luxury while the working classes starved in abject poverty.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, we certainly didn't see any of that while we
 were there!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] And his wife's an absolute cutie.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] I think they're our favourite hosts.  If you don't
 count the Hitlers.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] The who?!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Providing you avoid talking politics, they're an
 absolute hoot.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] You're good friends with the Hitlers?!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] It's just a social thing.  We don't talk about his
 work.  We just have a few laughs, play canasta, and enjoy the
 odd game of mixed doubles with the Goerings.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't believe what I'm hearing!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, you have to understand [_<800>] we travel back and
 forth throughout the whole of history, and naturally we want to
 sample the best of everything.  It's just a bit unfortunate that
 the finest things tend to be in the possession of people who are
 judged to be a bit dodgy.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Herman Goering is a "bit dodgy"!  What has become of you
 all?  You've all abandoned your morals, been seduced by power
 and wealth.  All you're interested in now is indulging your
 carnal desires.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] And could we tell you some stories about _that_!
 [:np :ra 245] (the future crew all laugh)
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I don't recognize any of you!  You're just amoral self-
 serving scum, freeloading your way through history!
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Good grief!  I can't believe I used to be such a
 stuck-up pompous prig.

[:np] [:ra 245] The door to the stairs can be heard being blown off its hinges. 
Lister comes down the stairs, holding a bazookoid, which he
points at the future crew.  He is followed by Rimmer and Cat.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Okay.  That's it.  You've got two minutes to get off this
 ship.  I don't know how we became you, but I sure as hell don't
 intend to help you carry on doing what you're doing.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] But we need to examine the calibration on your
 time drive's maxic-factor.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] That's one minute forty.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Shooting us would be like killing himself in the
 future.  He won't do it.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What have I got to lose?  I'm in a jar.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Gentlemen, let's put an end to this, why don't we?
 (stands up)
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But without the calibration date, we'll be
 stranded out here in the middle of nowhere.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Fifty seconds.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] C'mon, let's go.

[:np] [:ra 245] Future Kryten grabs future Lister's jar and the Future
crew head through the airlock.  Future Rimmer pauses at the
airlock.

[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You'll have changed your mind when you've thought
 it through.  You are destined to become us, and there is nothing
 you can do about it.  In the end, you'll help us.

[:np] [:ra 245] Lister fires at the wall just above future Rimmer.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Twenty seconds.  Into the airlock and git.

[:np] [:ra 245] Future Rimmer flashes a quick look of anger and leaves.

Shot of future Starbug flying away from the side of the
present Starbug.

Shot of future Starbug starting to curve in its flight.

Cockpit [_<800>]

The crew are in their seats.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] I knew it would be a mistake to see the future.  Now our
 whole lives will be coloured by the fact that we're going to end
 up becoming people we despise.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Threat warning [_<800>] vessel off the stern!  They've got a
 missile lock on us!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Our future selves are attacking us!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] They're nuts!

[:np :ra 245] The Crew experience a jolt (exactly the same type of jolt as
when they enter or leave an unreality pocket).]

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Direct hit!  The gyroscope's out!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] They're trying to disable us!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Another lock!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Incoming message!

[:np] [:ra 245] Future Rimmer's face appears on the view-screen.

[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Gentlemen, we have no intention of being deprived
 of the opulence and luxury the time drive provides.  Either you
 give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to be
 blasted out of the sky.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] But if you kill us, you'll have cease to exist.
[:tone<1000,75>] [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Better that than to be forced to live like you,
 like rats trapped together, marooned in deep space.
 Your answer [_<800>] thirty seconds.

View-screen message ends.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] So what do we do?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Have we got any chance of winning?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Their craft is greatly upgraded.  We have no chance
 whatsoever.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Then I say fight! [:np :ra 245] (dramatic chord of music)
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mr. Rimmer?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Better dead than smeg!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cheers!  Cat?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Better dead than sofa-side butt.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Kryten?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Better anything than that toupee!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Shields up!  Arming lasers!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Bringing her around.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Target acquired!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Locking on [_<800>] firing! (pushes button)
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Direct hit!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Starbug thrusters!  Nice shooting, sir!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Bringing her around to reserve.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Threat warning!  They've got a lock on us!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'm going for the main fuel tank!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] They're in your sight!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Locked on [_<800>] fire!

[:np] [:ra 245] Lister's console blows up, and Lister is showered in sparks.  He
is sent flying to the floor near Kryten.  this time when
they are hit, they do not experience the same jolting effect

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] Mr. Lister!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250] Is he okay?
 [:np ra 245] (in shock) [:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]He's dead, sir!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] The hull's gonna go.  We'll all be dead in a minute.

[:np :ra 245]Another explosion.  Cat is sent flying on top of Kryten's
console. (Again, the jolting effect is absent)

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] CAT!?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] ... Dead ... But there may be [_<800>]

[:np] [:ra 245] Another explosion sends Kryten flying.  (Still no jolting!)  A
very concerned Rimmer hurries to Kryten's body.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Kryten?!  There may be a what?  A way out of this?  Is
 that what you were gonna say?  ... Speak, Kryten!  How can we
 change what's happening?!

[:np] A look of realization comes over his face.  While Starbug is
being rocked with explosions, he hurries to the Mid-section
where he grabs the bazookoid.  He kicks open a smashed door and
runs through the ship.  Avoiding the falling pieces of ceiling,
he arrives at the engine room.  He takes aim at the time drive
and pulls the trigger on the bazookoid.  The time drive is
destroyed.

Shot of Starbug moving through space.  A laser blast hits it
and it is completely destroyed.

Caption: TO BE CONTINUED
The end. [_<800,>]

well this is my first red dwarf production, hope it was ok, i tried to add some stuff to the script to make it more understandable and all. if you find any problems, want to comment or whatever, please emaile me at: b, i, g, d, underscore, v i, underscore, guy, at, hotmail.com, which is also my msn address.

thanks!