[:nk] Who's On First (Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello) [:nh] Hey Abbott. [:np] What do want Costello? [:nh] Look Abbott. I understand that you're going to be the manager of the Lou Costello Junior Youth Foundation baseball team. [:np] Yes. We just organized the thing. [:nh] Oh you did? [:np] Sure! [:nh] Well I'd like to play on the team myself, you know, I know something about baseball. [:np] Well that can be accomplished. [:nh] Well I'd like to know some of the guys names on the team, so that when I meet them on the street or in the ball park, I'll be able to say hello to them. [:np] Well surely I'll introduce you to the boys. But, you know strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers, nowadays, very peculiar names. [:nh] You mean funny names? [:np] Nicknames. Pet names. Like Dizzy Dean. [:nh] Brother Daffy. [:np] Daffy Dean. [:nh] I'm their french cousin. [:np] French cousin? [:nh] Goofe'. [:np] Take me out to the Ball game, Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and... [:nh] Peanuts! Popcorn! Get your Popper Jacks Here! Peanuts! [:np] Sebastian! Sebastian, get over here. Pardon him folks. What do you think your doing? [:nh] I wanted the people to feel like they were in the ball park, because [:nh] I love baseball. When we get to Saint Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that Saint Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows? [:np] All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." [:nh] Not as peculiar as mine.... Sebastian Dimwitty [:np] Oh Yes. [:nh] They got names funnier than mine? WOOOOOOOooo [:np] Oh Absolutely. [:np] Now on the Saint Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third [:nh] That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the Saint Louis team. [:np] I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third [:nh] You know the fellows' names? [:np] Yes. [:nh] Well, then who's playin' first [:np] Yes [:nh] I mean the fellow's name on first base. [:np] Who. [:nh] The fellow playin' first base for Saint Louis. [:np] Who. [:nh] The guy on first base. [:np] Who is on first [:nh] Well, what are you askin' me for? [:np] I'm not asking you I'm telling you. WHO IS ON First [:nh] I'm asking you who's on first? [:np] That's the man's name! [:nh] That's who's name? [:np] Yes. [:nh] Well, go ahead and tell me. [:np] Who. [:nh] The guy on firSt [:np] Who. [:nh] The first baseman. [:np] Who is on first [:nh] Have you got a first baseman on first? [:np] Certainly. [:nh] Then who's playing first? [:np] Absolutely. [:nh] When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? [:np] Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it. [:nh] Who is? [:np] Yes. [:nh] So who gets it? [:np] Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. [:nh] Who's wife? [:np] Yes. After all the man earns it. [:nh] Who does? [:np] Absolutely. [:nh] Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base. [:np] Oh, no, no, What is on second base. [:nh] I'm not asking you who's on second. [:np] Who's on first [:nh] That's what I'm trying to find out. [:np] Well, don't change the players around. [:nh] I'm not changing nobody. [:np] Now, take it easy. [:nh] What's the guy's name on first base? [:np] What's the guy's name on second base. [:nh] I'm not asking whos on second. [:np] Who's on first [:nh] I don't know. [:np] He's on third. We're not talking about him. [:nh] How could I get on third base? [:np] You mentioned his name. [:nh] If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? [:np] No, Who's playing first [:nh] Stay offa first, will ya? [:np] Well what do you want me to do? [:nh] Now what's the guy's name on first base? [:np] What's on second. [:nh] I'm not asking ya who's on second. [:np] Who's on first [:nh] I don't know. [:np] He's on third. [:nh] There I go back on third again. [:np] Well, I can't change their names. [:nh] Say, will you please stay on third base. [:np] Please. Now what is it you want to know. [:nh] What is the fellow's name on third base. [:np] What is the fellow's name on second base. [:nh] I'm not askin' ya who's on second. [:np] Who's on first [:nh] I don't know. [:np] THIRD BASE! [:nh] You got an outfield? [:np] Oh, sure. [:nh] Saint Louis has got a good outfield? [:np] Oh, absolutely. [:nh] The left fielder's name? [:np] Why. [:nh] I don't know, I just thought I'd ask. [:np] Well, I just thought I'd tell you. [:nh] Then tell me who's playing left field. [:np] Who's playing first [:nh] Stay out of the infield! [:np] Don't mention any names out here. [:nh] I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field? [:np] What is on second. [:nh] I'm not askin' ya who's on second. [:np] Who is on first [:nh] I don't know. [:np] Third base. [:nh] And the left fielder's name? [:np] Why. [:nh] Because. [:np] Oh he's Center Field. [:nh] Center field. [:np] Yes. [:nh] Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team. [:np] Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher. [:nh] I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name. [:np] Tomorrow. [:nh] You don't want to tell me today? [:np] I'm telling you, man. [:nh] Then go ahead. [:np] Tomorrow. [:nh] What time? [:np] What time what? [:nh] What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? [:np] Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on [:nh] I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!" [:np] Then why come up here and ask? [:nh] I want to know what's the pitcher's name. [:np] What's on second. [:nh] I don't know. [:np] THIRD BASE!! [:nh] You gotta Catcher? [:np] Yes. [:nh] The Catcher's name? [:np] Today. [:nh] Today. And Tomorrow's pitching. [:np] Now you've got it. [:nh] That's all. Saint Louis has a couple of days on their team. [:np] Well I can't help that. [:nh] You know I'm a good catcher too. [:np] I know that. [:nh] I would like to play for the Saint Louis team. [:np] Well I might arrange that. [:nh] I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching. [:np] Yes. [:nh] Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball. [:np] Yes. [:nh] Now when he bunts the ball me being a good catcher I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who? [:np] Now that's the first thing you've said right. [:nh] I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!! [:np] Well, that's all you have to do. [:nh] is to throw it to first base. [:np] Yes. [:nh] Now who's got it? [:np] Naturally. [:nh] Who has it? [:np] Naturally. [:nh] Naturally. [:np] Naturally. [:nh] O.K. [:np] Now you've got it. [:nh] I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. [:np] No you don't you throw the ball to first base. [:nh] Then who gets it? [:np] Naturally. [:nh] O.K. [:np] All right. [:nh] I throw the ball to Naturally. [:np] You don't you throw it to Who. [:nh] Naturally. [:np] Well, naturally. Say it that way. [:nh] That's what I said. [:np] You did not. [:nh] I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally. [:np] You don't. You throw it to Who. [:nh] Naturally. [:np] Yes. [:nh] So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it. [:np] No. You throw the ball to first base [:nh] Then who gets it? [:np] Naturally. [:nh] That's what I'm saying. [:np] You're not saying that. [:nh] I throw the ball to Naturally. [:np] You throw it to Who! [:nh] Naturally. [:np] Naturally. Well say it that way. [:nh] THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! [:np] Now don't get excited. [:nh] Who's gettin' excited!! I throw the ball to first base [:np] Then Who gets it. [:nh] HE BETTER GET IT! [:np] That's it. All right now. Take it easy. [:nh] Hummmmph! [:np] Hummmmph! [:nh] Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. [:np] Uh huh. [:nh] Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow a triple play. [:np] Yeah. It could be. [:nh] Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a damn. [:np] What did you say. [:nh] I said "I don't give a damn." [:np] Oh, that's our shortstop! [:nk] he he he he. ha ha ha ha. those guys are a crack up! [:nb] This old time radio classic was adapted for dectalk speech by Tom baccanti tdb@deltanet.com